Douche archaeologist and noted professor of scrotology, Johnny Blaze, is back!! And this time, it's personal.

And by personal, I mean gelly.

Watch Johnny Blaze swing through another wacky adventure involving two club hotts, a bottle of Grey Goose and sixteen Soviet footsoldiers falling off a truck.

Bra!! Spring Break, Broheim!!
Seven hotts and diet coke!!
Bra, dig my package!!

Bra loves his soda
How can seven hotts compete
With carbonation?

-- mr. white

Da bomb was Pepsi!
Coke is awesome too Bra ya!
Bra I have Hep C!

-- vacuum cleaner bagg

Italian haiku:
leaning tower of slutness
my extra toppings

-- douche mccallister

Braaaaaaa! Yo, Broseph! Braaaaa?
Grab another brewsky, braaaaa!
Sups, Brosephina?

-- burnsy

Bitch drank my Pepsi!
Brand loyalty's not my deal.
Leg-humping chicks is.

-- anonymous

Why stand on crowd's edge?
I would jump in that pile
Like a kid in leaves.

-- wohlfat

Confusious does say
Girl in blue skirt need eat more
Thigh look like noodle

-- dunkterdouche

Frankie and Annette
Never wanted stuff like this
Beach Blanket Douchebag

-- alan hull

PIC DELETED

When not managing the shipping department at the local UPS branch outlet, where they'll be happy to help you with your packing needs, Jake and Cecil are THUGS 4 EVA.

Patty, Kimmy and Suzie are begging me to talcum their butts with melted Peeps and then rub mustard on myself until we form ass-peep sandwiches.

Oh, like you've never had an ass-peep sandwich.

If you ever wondered what prom night would like like here at HCwDB, now you know.

A curvy girl-next-door type, an open box of Coors Light, a security guard in the distance, and a heaping uberdouche.

Then again, I don't usually hold my proms in a quarry straight out of a 1970s Doctor Who invasion episode.

On an unrelated note, I have one more Bra!! pic that is so genius, I have to hold it for Friday. Think of it as something to look forward to. Your reward/punishment for a successful week of 'bag mocking.

Arthur writes in with an important question:

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DB1-
I love your site!

Can a woman be a douchebag? I see many that seem to fit the definition here in the O.C.

-- Arthur
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This is an important question, Arthur, but the short answer is yes.

A female douchebag is referred to as a douchbaguette, or a Bleeth. The Bleething process, stages 1 through 4, measures how far gone a hottie boobie suckle thigh is, and whether or not they can still be saved, or are lost to douchery forever.

However you may experience what some refer to as the Douchal Paradox, in which you realize a girl is a huge douchebaguette, but you still desire to paw her upper thigh area like a lobotomized ferret.

This is normal. Do not be alarmed. Even the most experienced 'bag hunter suffers from this contradiction.

Nikki writes in:

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Hey DB1-

here in south florida we have a variation of the traditional bridge-and-tunnel douche. this pervasive sub species is mainly concentrated in the ft. lauderdale area but is known to venture to south beach and even downtown miami on weekends.

the miami douche usually originates in queens, rhode island, jersey or surrounding areas (this can be determined by noting the douche's accent) and at some point in their young lives migrated south in search of the more plentiful and diverse, some may argue 'sluttier,' hotts available here.

the miami-douche can usually be spotted by their modified mullets, ed hardy t-shirts, white belts and also their deep affection for rolling and house music. warning: may be of latin decent.

-Nikki
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I hadn't heard of cross polinization within various douchal ecosystems, Nikki, so I will look into this phenomenon.

The douche in search of warmer weather, moving to Florida. Interesting. It's like my grandparents, only with more hair gel and less Early Bird Specials.

Ya know, I was feeling good this morning.

I slept well. I had a hearty breakfast of Lucky Charms and Yoohoo. I fed the dobermans and put out some yak's milk for the alpacas.

Then I gotta turn on my computer and see this atrocity.

Eminem wannabes and some trashy 2am bar girls. Megods, there is no morality or sanity in this dark and cold universe.

Now where'd I put my socks?

We haven't had a good private school attending trust fund inheriting argyle wearing preppy douche in quite awhile.

Not that Andre $29.99 is that Prepster.

Drunk pouty Camilla is a Danish Au Pair of confused befuddlement. I would help her read the subway map and smile delightfully at her broken English, only to accompany her back to her rich employer's summer home in the Hamptons and make out on Grammy Wilson's rocking chair.

Hmm. That fantasy may have gotten away from me there.

Ruth writes in:

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So, DB1, I just got back from a family vacation to Orlando. Parents, sister, brother in law, nieces (3 and 1 years old)...

We go to lunch at Rainforest Cafe on my last day. Sitting one table away from us are three douches with tribal tats, mandanas/hats atilting, etc, and what likely were 2 blond botoxed bought-boobied hots, several years ago before they became UberBleethed.

I tried and tried and tried to get pictures (because they SOOOOO belong on the site), but they kept pulling beer bottles to their faces, or (ugh) tongue kissing and yelling -- anyhow, after several attempts I gave up.

However, my three year old niece took a shine to the group and, in one of her passes around the table, she stopped at their table, looked up at the biggest douche in the group, and said very loudly "Mommy, what's WRONG with these people? They look stupid."

My hangover suddenly disappeared. I love my niece.

Ruth
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Teach the young one well, Ruth, and when she's appropriately trained to mock the douche, I will then hit on her, stare at her boobs, then borrow fifty bucks which I'll blow on Pop Rocks and Red Bull.

After she turns 18, of course.

EDIT: For work readers, The Gator stepped in to cover up the nipple slip.

Slim Jim Troll Doll may be the nicest looking douche that is undeniably douchey we've ever had.

At first I want to mock his silly exposed undershirt and fruffy hair, and even point out the subtle Mark of the 'Bag on his forehead (the shine that makes the shape of shlong-n-balls).

But then I kind of just want to pat him on the head, buy him an ice-cream, and send him home.

And then slather Charlize Theron Doll with melted salsa cheese before rolling her and her two lovely friends in a giant tortilla shell and then munching on all three like a drunk koala in Uttar Pradesh.

Fellow Broheims!! Jus' wanted to say thanks for voting me and my sexy little Maria your Hot Chick with Douchebag of the Week, bras!!!

I brought my bro, Brad, bra!! He's curling the bottle to my left, bra. And Brad's bra, Brandy, bra.

See youse in the Monthy!!

Bra!!

Broheim!! Guess who won the HCwDB of the Week, bra? Another Pepsi, bro!!

It was a tight race between Bra and DNA Dan, but Bra rocked the star tatt to victory. In an excellent and hilarious comments thread (props to everyone who voted), the people spoke, and they spoke braly:

Rocko: Bra! Easily Bra!

Steve Douchemi: Bra! I gotta vote for Bra, bra.

Corbin: Bra! most definitely

Husker Douche: Bra! Duude, I'm the effin douchebag of the week bra! Seriously Bra, I'm gonna effin nail SO MANY BITCHES!!! Yo baby, kiss the star and you can be my star, no seriously, I wanna be Bras with your bra, give it to daddy.

Exactly. And Cool Hand Douche reminds us not to leave out that compact package of hottness on Bra's arm:

She is the lovin' spoonful that helps the medicine go down. I'd detail Bra's white Miata just to catch a glimpse of her posterior in jean shorts in the side mirror.

Well put, CHD, and note the affectionate embrace she's got under Bra's bra. Carl Lazlo agrees:

Brosef Bag. Star tats, flexed biceps, pucker faced and hand fake gang gestures guarantee a victory. Add in the dual chains (with charms) and the fact that he isnt wearing any shorts, and I say brosef is the winner. Little Shannon Doherty hott is deliteful.

Well put Lazlo, now get back to the basement lab. However, anonydouche notes the shirtless factor in the club, and casts in with DNA Dan:

my vote goes to DNA Dan - at least Bra is outside and has a valid reason for not wearing a shirt

As does samantha:

DNA Dan, although I feel sort of bad because I can tell he's only about 2 IQ points above mentally retarded. But maybe it's that, combined with Librarian Hott's glasses that really cinches it for me.

Excellent taste in hotts, Sammy. But leader of the band (norcal chapter) reminds us not to forget about the Gospel of Vin:

With references to scripture, I'd have to vote Vinny. No need to mention the checklist of what makes him one. The light on his face is like the hand of God pointing a yellow-bulbed flashlight at his face telling us this simple word, "Douchebag!"

Well put LotB(nc). But this is Broheim's week. A number of readers noted that Bra has upgraded Ubiquitous Red Cup with some Pepsi sponsorship. Very impressive. And as the everpresent anonymous hits the nail on the head:

Bra FTW! DNA Dan looks more like a science experiment than a douche. Bra, however, is everything that makes me want to remove my skin with a vegetable peeler after going out on a Saturday night.

Raise his Star Tatt to the rafters. Bra will be formidable in the Monthly.

PIC DELETED

For the reading impaired, the shirt reads Mo Money, Mo Bitches.

Which is almost as impressive as the fact that sleepwalking Roberto Bagnigni is actually making a hand gesture while in his zombified state.

Long Island Hott is the best hostess at Flingers since Jennifer Aniston quit.

I'm not sure if Gym Carrey really deserves 'bag status or not, so I figured I'd open it up to the floor for discussion.

Is the earring, greasy hair, overly developed pecs and smug expression enough to stamp douche?

And why is Stripper McPosture sipping a cup with cigarette butts in it?

But the one thing we do know is that this guy is still a huge douche. Self-reflexive irony won't save you from the cold, hard truth, Mayerbag.

Yes, it's that time of the year again. Sunday morning Rehab has begun again at the Hard Rock, Vegas.

This message brought to you by the Center for Disease Control. Please don't drink the water.

No, seriously. It's cloudy. And milky gray.

When Kimmy and Kelly asked for a "Gatorade," they had no idea that Sven The Austrian Emo would show up.

Tell me this kid isn't on the way to growing up to being the maitre de at Chez Quis.

I weep for the future.

In related bodyspray news, Thirty Odd Foot of Douche reports in that free Axe Bodyspray "samples" are being given out in his gym locker room.

Sort of the douchal equivalent of how Army smoking breaks during WWII hooked an entire generation on Marlboros. Or how Kelloggs slipped that one sugar cereal into their "Party Pack," the one little box of Frosted Flakes next to the Raisin Bran and Cheerios.

Damn you, Kelloggs. Hooked me on your hidden little box of sugar crack when I was only five.