The voting was fierce. The 'baggedness of the contestants made us all feel deeply unclean, while the hotties (in some of the pics at least) perked our spirits up. But in the end, thanks to a late surge, Glinty here pulled out the "victory" (if you can call it that) and took the first ever HCwDotM contest with a late charge. I'd hand him the trophy but I'm not sure his lazy-eye would see it.

But really, weren't all four of the finalists winners? And by "winners" I mean the rankest collection of scuzz dripping douchitude and hotness since the Baio/Anderson and Bleeth/Grieco makeout sessions of the early to mid 1990s.

The voting was tight. Mellonhead, Grail and Yeesh were all tied with seven votes each. Glinty won with only eleven, making all four of our finalists deserving of entry into the Douchebag Hall of Shame. All four will not be forgotten. Oh no. We owe it to hotties everywhere to preserve all four of these pics in digital amber forever, so that someday a scientist can pull their DNA and breed them as the main attractions at Jurassface Park.

Okay, enough of my witticisms. Lets see what The Bag Chorus had to say. Iron Douchenozzle sums up Glinty's "appeal":

It's gotta go to Glinty McBag. One,he already has the belt buckle to prove his ultra douche status. The Bling Buckle is awarded only to the cream of the crop, uber douche. Do the other douches of the week possess this honor? Methinks not. Two, his hair is WAY spikier than the other douches. We all know, or at least should recognize, that the spikier the hair, the douchier the bag. Three, his chicks are hot. And totally infected with the Bleeth.

How can the others even compete? Glinty is douche of the century. And probably lives in his mom's basement and works at the cell phone kiosk in the mall.

Douche Vader agrees, and comes out swinging solidly for Glinty to take the cake:

This Douchebag just got upgraded to "outperform market". His Jesus bling, t-shirt that says "My Girlfriend Will Suck YOUR @#$@", the hottie holding down his hand as if to say "Stop throwing the variation hand sign #214-C. You are already a Mega Douchebag and this is just not necessary to prove your douchiness!", the honky-tonk belt buckle with the bling, all the way down to the earring and slightly raised eyebrow that says to hotties "Look into my Douchey eyes you skank!"...

DrunkDouchebag reminds us that part of the equation is the hottie level and we must factor that in. He making a convincing case for the HCwD contradiction of Mellonhead:

It must be Mellonhead. 3 reasons:
a)his chick is the hottest and her tits don't look like volleyballs were unnaturally stuffed inside her chest. Real tits = hotter chick, even if she's Bleethish.
b)he is the only one who's ass I could kick.
c)Holy Grail and Yeesh are Jersey guido streotypes, which gives them an inherent genetic DB advantage. Mellonhead isn't bronzed like the other 3, and megods the glasses (to say nothing of the pubes glued on his chin).

Heh. I like reason "b". Nicely done D.D. However The Doctor throws down for some "Yeesh" love:

I gotta go with Yeesh. He was the first of his kind and # 4 and # 2 are just rip offs of Yeesh. The bald guy is just too much of a complete assbag to win.

dater-o-douches agrees with The Doctor and offers up some much needed female perspective:

I'm sorry... as a female, I can tell which douche is the largest douche just by looking at their photo's... I know which will say more "How you doin'"s at the bar... which will white-boy rap more often, throw more gang-style hand gesture's my way while sending me shots of hypnotique. I think this is definetly YEESH. We can't forget that if anything else, YEESH is the utmost bag, the most typical Jersey-bag, and this makes him the winner. No matter how the votes lay out, my heart will always know that YEESH is truly the bag of the month.

Sisto introduces the beginnings of a crude douchebag scoring system (something we'll be putting together in the coming weeks) and concludes that "Yeesh" scores highest:

I just swallowed my tongue and may or may not have sharted. 1 for the hair, 1 for the pose, 1 for the look, 1 for the spray on tan, 1 for hooking the shirt into the pocket, 1 because that girl looks like a poodle, 1 because she is providing the illusion that her sweater puppies are ripping through that shirt, 1 becasue I think he's got a skully in his hand, and 1 because there's a homebar with horrible neon sign in the background (posing in your own home is a sure sign of douchosity). That's a total of 9.

Nicely done, Sisto. We will get to a scoring system soon. Jem also reminds us to factor in the HC part of the equation:

I wish I knew what Glinty's t-shirt said. I'm going to go with 2, because it's like yin and yang...on the right, so completely douche, and on the left, so completely hot.

An Anonymous poster backs her up, again arguing for the hotness factor of Mellonhead's cutie (and I agree, she is fantastic):

Melonhead by far. His chick is the classiest-looking, which is the most frustrating thing when dealing with douchitude. You gotta expect the golddigging, overtanned tits-o-sauruses to settle upon a douchebag because they are usually the female version of the same. It's when a nice, classy-looking chick is in the douche market that one really begins to question why God is so cruel.

Another Anonymous commentor went off on a deep existential struggle before finding his answer:

Ok. I got it figured out. I had to go on a shamanistic quest deep in to my heart of hearts to find the douche in myself. I became the douche. I breathed the douchey air that a douche would breathe. I walked the club like a douche would strut the club. I became (for lack of a better word) a douche. My douche-vision showed me that my primary objective was an easy lay. A girl upset about a fight with a boyfriend, a drunk girl. Any sort of easy prey. A theif of undeservedly hot tang. Which one between Glinty and Grail would I not leave my girlfriend with on Temptation Island. Grail is obviously there with his mate. They have dated and pumped iron and injected each other steriods in to each other's asses. You can't make that type of intimacy with some Chocolate Martini's and roofies. He's also up there. Plly 35-40. Glinty, on the other hand, is primed, greased and gelled to take on a conquest at any moment. He has a date-rape gaze that is just waiting to be unleashed. He is my pick for HCwD of the Month.

However douchestar runner offered a convincing case for The Holy Grail:

But the Grail--whoa now! If I walked into a bar/club/whatever and saw this guy, I'd be blown away. You have to be off the douchey charts to go out in a vest (PINK, no less) with NO SHIRT underneath. Not to mention sunglasses indoors. This 'roided out meathead is the Arnold Douchabagger, The Bagginator, of the douche world.

wannabee douchebag brought in a nice Douche Cup analysis before settling in on Glinty as his winner:

Unforutnately, the refs ended up determining the match by giving a red card to the Holy Grail for bringing a dude for his hottie. The Finals where a complete blowout when Yeesh's hot chick left the match to sue her plastic surgeon after catching sight of the tits on Glinty's. The Douche Cup goes the GLINTY MCBAG!!!!!!!!!

keith jackson lays out the convincing case for Grail:

*The Gargoyle glasses
*The Tats
*The metrosexual upturned sleeveless pink shirt that is screaming, "come on, say something about my shirt and you'll be eating a fist sammich."
*Semi-blinging off the chain chain around the neck.
*The shaved chest...this guy could be a spokesperson for Nair.
*She 100% hot...I'd take her and ride her like her name is Seabiscuit!
*I like a woman that has muscular definition that says, "come on, say something about his shirt and I'll force feed you a fist sammich."
*You've got to respect a chick that can boobage her way in and fight her way out.
*Store bought side boobage...she gets extra points in my book for using it as bait to lure in the rest of us so that he can say, "HEY WHADDA YOU LOOKIN' AT HER FOR YOU WANNA GET YOUR ASS KICKED?"

mickey o'douche uses a nicely designed "puke" scale to come up with his winner, and takes us home:

I thought I should glance at his photo although the spew had already spoken. With stomach settled, I looked at the drrty girl on the left, and felt good enough to work up a slippery fantasy, one with her enhanced breasts supporting the last bottle of the 'bird, and my eating a line of cheetos off that tummy. but then, i opened my eyes again to see glinty, as if for the first time. his spaced out expression and chinpubes caused a lurch in the gut, and then I was sickeningly drawn to the peacocking sparkly stuff -- the double earrings, the bracelet, the jesus bling, shiny hair and forehead and that damned, oh that damned belt buckle.....and I barfed again, and again. Oh, Glinty, you are the king of douche. you have ruined another bathroom.

Excellent work people. We've made serious progress here on our quest to expose the 'bags of the world and the hotties who love them. We have enriched society today. We have brought good into the world. I commend you all for your hard work on this endeavor. It is never easy on our stomachs looking at the utterly rank scrotes in these pics and the deep psychological pain of the hotties who seem happy to be in their presence. But soldier on we must.

And continue onward we shall. Just as soon as I pour another cup o' Night Train...