Monday, July 31, 2006
HCwD of the Week: TongueBag Edition
In analyzing which of these four utterly rank pics deserves the exalted HCwDotW honors, I like using the "anger" approach. Which of these four moments of douchitude, if you saw them unfolding live in front of you, would make you most want to jab icepicks into your eyeballs? Which unholy combination of pretty girl and skeezy douchebag would make you want to set fire to puppies?
Or use your own scale of douche-valuation. Is it purely the 'Bag? Or is it the level of hottie as well that affects your deductive process? How many extra points are scored for grease factor, loss of shirt and/or facial expression and 'Bag hand gesture?
The proper production of a truly superior Hot-Chick-with-Douchebag pic is like cooking a fine meal. One must have all the proper ingredients, but one must also prepare them in just the right order. Yes, there were douchier photos from the past couple of weeks, but just for grease and giggles, I thought we'd narrow it down to just the tonguebags.
So on that note, lets get to the scrotes.
HCwD #1: Whack a 'Bag
PIC DELETED
Average-Joe douchebags are the most intriguing because they're everyday non-factors who suddenly bust scrote just as the camera flashes. This lame yuppie knob thinks he's cool because he cornered a hottie and forced her to take a pic with him. For that he deserves our scorn. Not to mention a telephone pole shoved up his ass.
HCwD #2: 'Bag o' CHiPs
There's really not much to add about this pic since it went up last week. Other than it still makes me want to sucker punch a dwarf.
And I still can't tell where those ginormous mammaries make me excited or frightened.
HCwD #3: Lady in the Water (of Douche)
Nothing's more annoying than College-'Bags. It's bad enough they're getting such choice premium hotties, but when they rub it in the rest of our faces it just burns. This thick tonguebag with his douchey sidekick still rankles. And I've always had a thing for sultry hotties like this dark haired lovely.
Oh heck, who am kidding? I have thing for the entire spectrum of hotness. I'm an equal opportunity shtupper.
HCwD #4: The Mutant PoloBag
I almost feel bad for this puggy scrote. But then again, no.
From what little I can tell, this chicka is perfection, even if the hat suggests a moderate 'bag stage-1 Bleeth infection.
Special shout-out to The Warthog, who I promise will be making future appearances as a classic uber-'Bag. So what say you, people? Who deserves this week's honor?
Or use your own scale of douche-valuation. Is it purely the 'Bag? Or is it the level of hottie as well that affects your deductive process? How many extra points are scored for grease factor, loss of shirt and/or facial expression and 'Bag hand gesture?
The proper production of a truly superior Hot-Chick-with-Douchebag pic is like cooking a fine meal. One must have all the proper ingredients, but one must also prepare them in just the right order. Yes, there were douchier photos from the past couple of weeks, but just for grease and giggles, I thought we'd narrow it down to just the tonguebags.
So on that note, lets get to the scrotes.
HCwD #1: Whack a 'Bag
PIC DELETED
Average-Joe douchebags are the most intriguing because they're everyday non-factors who suddenly bust scrote just as the camera flashes. This lame yuppie knob thinks he's cool because he cornered a hottie and forced her to take a pic with him. For that he deserves our scorn. Not to mention a telephone pole shoved up his ass.
HCwD #2: 'Bag o' CHiPs
There's really not much to add about this pic since it went up last week. Other than it still makes me want to sucker punch a dwarf.
And I still can't tell where those ginormous mammaries make me excited or frightened.
HCwD #3: Lady in the Water (of Douche)
Nothing's more annoying than College-'Bags. It's bad enough they're getting such choice premium hotties, but when they rub it in the rest of our faces it just burns. This thick tonguebag with his douchey sidekick still rankles. And I've always had a thing for sultry hotties like this dark haired lovely.
Oh heck, who am kidding? I have thing for the entire spectrum of hotness. I'm an equal opportunity shtupper.
HCwD #4: The Mutant PoloBag
I almost feel bad for this puggy scrote. But then again, no.
From what little I can tell, this chicka is perfection, even if the hat suggests a moderate 'bag stage-1 Bleeth infection.
Special shout-out to The Warthog, who I promise will be making future appearances as a classic uber-'Bag. So what say you, people? Who deserves this week's honor?
# posted by Douchebag1 @ 6:20 AM 
Comments:
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#1 gets my vote.
He is making a hand gesture AND he is afraid to touch her. He is grabbing her arm instead of rubbing that sexy waist and pulling those wonderul fake boobies into his chest.
Although #2 is a bigger douche because he is not wearing a shirt in a place that looks like you would have no reason not to wear one (examine all the fully clothed people in the background), and his girl has a great rack, there are still other factors to consider so he finishes a close second.
He is making a hand gesture AND he is afraid to touch her. He is grabbing her arm instead of rubbing that sexy waist and pulling those wonderul fake boobies into his chest.
Although #2 is a bigger douche because he is not wearing a shirt in a place that looks like you would have no reason not to wear one (examine all the fully clothed people in the background), and his girl has a great rack, there are still other factors to consider so he finishes a close second.
# posted by 
: 8:55 AM
: 8:55 AM
All that and a bag o chips gets my vote, what a douche.
Also just to let you know I'm a girl and I absolutely love this site, this is some funny shite.
Also just to let you know I'm a girl and I absolutely love this site, this is some funny shite.
# posted by : 9:15 AM
: 9:15 AM
#2
This guy is a heaping pile of douchery. Even if you extracted all the semen in his sphincter, he'd still be a douche bucket of fecal corn.
This guy is a heaping pile of douchery. Even if you extracted all the semen in his sphincter, he'd still be a douche bucket of fecal corn.
Gosh DB1, this is a toughy, #1 is a metrosex douchebag with an awesome chick. #2 is busting a move with a hottie with great tits. #3 is just a , well, college boy fuck stick. But I guess I'll go with #4, even though he is a special olympic washout. If you can't pick on the 'tards, who can you pick on, other that 'bags?
Bagbalm
Bagbalm
# posted by : 10:09 AM
: 10:09 AM
Right off the bat I have to pull #4 out of the running. As I stated before, I'm just not convinced this guy is a true douche, and so I'm going to let him slide.
Now, I truly believe that #2 is the biggest douche bag of all the entries this week, however, since it's a Tongue Bag special, I can't vote for him, as he is only putting out a half-assed effort in his tongue action. Back when I was playing football, on the B team, if coach caught me putting in an effort as lame as this guy, he would have me doing laps, not giving me rewards. It's upsetting enough that this guy is rocking with this hottie, I sure as hell can't justify rewarding him with HCwD of the Week too.
#1 is almost the winner, and he is rocking some serious tongue, but this contest is not D of the Week, but HCwD of the Week, and the chicka in #3 is so much hotter than #1, and the douche bag is displaying just as much douche tongue as #1, and so it with that I vote #3 as the HCwD of the Week.
-Boogie
Now, I truly believe that #2 is the biggest douche bag of all the entries this week, however, since it's a Tongue Bag special, I can't vote for him, as he is only putting out a half-assed effort in his tongue action. Back when I was playing football, on the B team, if coach caught me putting in an effort as lame as this guy, he would have me doing laps, not giving me rewards. It's upsetting enough that this guy is rocking with this hottie, I sure as hell can't justify rewarding him with HCwD of the Week too.
#1 is almost the winner, and he is rocking some serious tongue, but this contest is not D of the Week, but HCwD of the Week, and the chicka in #3 is so much hotter than #1, and the douche bag is displaying just as much douche tongue as #1, and so it with that I vote #3 as the HCwD of the Week.
-Boogie
# 1 gets my vote...dude is like gripping her up so she doesnt run away. She obviously is just working and DB needed a picture. I'm sure it was followed by, "You know what would good on you....ME!"
What an assbag
What an assbag
#3 gets my vote, not only is the chicka chock full on all natural goodness, but he has to bring in his sidekick, ScroteBoy. The unholy combo of the Douchy Duo would be enough to Bleath the average chicka, but using the mystical power of the Cleavite she has managed to resist.
BagFree Antarctica
BagFree Antarctica
# posted by : 12:54 PM
: 12:54 PM
Difficult, as the different analyses yield different results.
On the scale of pure innate douchiness, without regard to the female companion: 1) Chips (far and away); 2) Lady/Water; 3) Whacker; 4) Polobag.
Female hotness: 1) Lady/Water; 2) Polobag (close competition); 3) Chips (massive deduction for absurdly large fake balloons); 4) Whacker (see Chips).
As you can see, these two comparisons yield inverse results that cancel each other out. We turn to the anger factor. A more subjective comparison gives us the following: 1) Lady/Water; 2) Chips; 3) Polobag (I just think he'll never see her again); 4) Whacker (how hard is it to grope a stripper in a strip club?)
Then, the final X factor -- skill/douchiness of tounge execution: 1) Lady/Water; 2) Chips; 3) Whacker (more of a Gene Simmons overexcited tounge sign than a true douche to-the-side tongue); 4) Polobag.
The results? 1) Lady/Water (going away); 2) Chips; 3) Polobag; 4) Whacker. You can't argue with science.
Art of the Douche
On the scale of pure innate douchiness, without regard to the female companion: 1) Chips (far and away); 2) Lady/Water; 3) Whacker; 4) Polobag.
Female hotness: 1) Lady/Water; 2) Polobag (close competition); 3) Chips (massive deduction for absurdly large fake balloons); 4) Whacker (see Chips).
As you can see, these two comparisons yield inverse results that cancel each other out. We turn to the anger factor. A more subjective comparison gives us the following: 1) Lady/Water; 2) Chips; 3) Polobag (I just think he'll never see her again); 4) Whacker (how hard is it to grope a stripper in a strip club?)
Then, the final X factor -- skill/douchiness of tounge execution: 1) Lady/Water; 2) Chips; 3) Whacker (more of a Gene Simmons overexcited tounge sign than a true douche to-the-side tongue); 4) Polobag.
The results? 1) Lady/Water (going away); 2) Chips; 3) Polobag; 4) Whacker. You can't argue with science.
Art of the Douche
# posted by : 1:08 PM
: 1:08 PM
Whack-A-Bag. Acting like you are with the stripper while clutching her arm fiercely from behind so she can't run away before the photo is snapped is pretty 'baggy. Honestly, who goes to the bachelor party straight from the office?
I am assigning more points to the DB part of the equasion this week because the HC's are nothing I'd drop my red plastic cup over. This is a bit of a slow week, due in large part to the lack of Babagidouche, who probably would have won.
You pansy bastard! You're a walking punchline already! Get over your tubby self and take it on the chin like a man.
I am assigning more points to the DB part of the equasion this week because the HC's are nothing I'd drop my red plastic cup over. This is a bit of a slow week, due in large part to the lack of Babagidouche, who probably would have won.
You pansy bastard! You're a walking punchline already! Get over your tubby self and take it on the chin like a man.
To get to the proper winner (loser?), we must go through the process of elimination: The guys in pic 3 are annoying, but not true d-bags. The guy in pic 4 is sad, pathetic and quite frankly a tad disturbing, but again, not a true d-bag. The guy in pic 1 has the tongue, hand gesture combo going, but to be honest, he doesn't get a real reaction from me one way or the other. Who does that leave me with? The shirtless a-hole d-bag with the "Iceman and Maverick 4 ever" sunglasses, the shaved-down greasy body and the woman with the freakishly large medicine balls attached to her chest. I really feel like punching this guy in the throat. Isn't that the true test?
I vote No. 2.
I vote No. 2.
# posted by : 3:40 PM
: 3:40 PM
OOoo it's gotta be #2. The aviator glasses, the shaved chest, the midori sour cocktail in hand. The club is bumpin off his douche vibes alone.
Man, I feel all dirrty just looking at that tonguey smirk.
Keep the party going, Jon Baker. You're the winner this week, in my heart.
kisses,
Kitty LeDouche
Man, I feel all dirrty just looking at that tonguey smirk.
Keep the party going, Jon Baker. You're the winner this week, in my heart.
kisses,
Kitty LeDouche
# posted by : 3:47 PM
: 3:47 PM
#1's guy is not baggy enough. #2's girl is too baggy herself. I'm gonna have to go with #3 because it's like a hot chick sandwich.
it's a toss-up between Whack-a-Bag and CHiPs, which i find equally annoying. i like the hottie in Whack-a-Bag better though, so my vote is for Whack-a-Bag.
Unfortunately, I must revert to the “Anger Factor”. For this reason, I must cast my ballot for # 3 Lady in the Water (of Douche). The two College-‘Bags, “Tongue to the Right” and “Mr. Smirk” make my blood boil especially when I see them in the presence of that raven-haired beauty. I would like nothing more than to take her back to the Amazonian rain forest where we would frolic through the jungle nude, make love under the forest canopy as the jungle creatures sing to us. I would take her as my bride and cherish her until the end of my days.
I just hope that in using the “Anger Factor” I am not blinded by the douchitude of the douches. I fear that I put to much emphasis on the beauties and allow my anger control my decision-making. I would like to bring a more levelheaded scientific approach to our conundrum but alas, I am only human and a lonely, lonely human at that.
Sincerely,
DOUCHEZILLA
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I just hope that in using the “Anger Factor” I am not blinded by the douchitude of the douches. I fear that I put to much emphasis on the beauties and allow my anger control my decision-making. I would like to bring a more levelheaded scientific approach to our conundrum but alas, I am only human and a lonely, lonely human at that.
Sincerely,
DOUCHEZILLA
# posted by : 8:07 PM
: 8:07 PM << Home
