HOUSEWIFE IMPALED ON HUSBAND'S HAIR
Associated Press -- Friday, 7:34am

Omaha, Nebraska -- A suburban housewife was killed this morning in a bizarre accident involving her husband's hair.

Suzie Jones, 24, of suburban Omaha was in the middle of making breakfast when her husband went to embrace her. Suzie slipped on a pool of hair grease and, according to authorities, impaled on one of her husbands hair spikes. Police are investigating, but it appears to have been an accident and foul intentions are not suspected.

"They just seemed like such a happy couple." said neighbor Jenny Smith. "I mean, I know Dan was a total and complete douchebag, but I never suspected something like this might happen."

"We're not suspecting the husband of any foul play at this point, " said Seargent John Cleavite of the Omaha police department. "Turns out the husband was just a rank and greasy scrote."

Douchebag accidents involving Jesus bling, spikey hair and greasy foreheads are on the rise across the nation, prompting the federal government to begin an investigation into ways to stop the trend. "We've considered a variety of approaches, including the development of a douchebag spray, a sort of 'Agent Pink-Izod' we can use." said Ranger Jack Bling. "But they just keep spreading. The more we stop them, the more of them there are."