Tuesday, December 26, 2006
The Douchies: Best "Special" 'Bag
This Douchie is for the "special" 'bags, those heaping turds who've rolled off the short bus and somehow corralled a hottie along the way. Whether out of pity, sexual attraction or somewhere in between, you'll never know. And because of that lack of knowledge, you must mock. And in doing so, you must pick a winner.
The nominees for Best "Special" 'Bag are...
Best Special 'Bag Nominee #1: Hootie is a Blowfish
His chin kind of resembles those fried egg inside a slice of bread "bullseye" breakfasts we used to eat at summer camp. Although why I would want to associate this nipple rubbing poobag with a fond food memory is a question better left for my psychiatrist.
Of course, that would be if I could afford a psychiatrist. Instead I mostly just talk to the 7-11 Clerk who usually asks me to "please leave" right around the time I start telling him how my mother didn't show me enough affection growing up. Stupid 7-11 clerk.
Best "Special" 'Bag Nominee #2: Polo Boy
This is one of my favorite pics ever on the site, if for nothing else then the yellow polo with pink polo wraparound sweater. And of course the most perfectly tanned hide since Buffalo Bill used to hand stitch saddles back in the 1880s.
I know I shouldn't make fun of 16 year old training-'bags, but how can I leave off Polo Boy from the list? If Anna Pacquin can win an Oscar at 10, Polo Boy can get a Douchie Nom.
Best "Special" 'Bag Nominee #3: The Red Cup
The fact this rather befudled young 'bag resembles the younger brother on "Growing Pains" is only one of many reasons to mock his scrotey nature. Wholesome midwestern Red Cup clutching lass is another. The dude in the back jonsing for cereal is simply an innocent bystander in this trainwreck of HCwD wrongness.
Best "Special" 'Bag Nominee #4: Graduation Scrote
The fact this guy graduated anything outside of the Learning Annex Tony Robbins "Personal Power" class is a terrifying indictment of the American educational system.
To paraphrase Otter in "Animal House," I put it to you, Greg. Isn't that an indictment of the United States of America itself?
This pic most certainly is.
Dartboard with darts holding up notes. Captain Morgan poster. And two cute little Frosh-in-Training hotties. Horns McShortbus makes me want to spew on the couch if it wouldn't blend right in. Because, uh, the pattern on the couch looks like puke. Figured I'd spell it out, in case Graduation Scrote's reading this.
Four good candidates. This one is a tough vote.
The nominees for Best "Special" 'Bag are...
Best Special 'Bag Nominee #1: Hootie is a Blowfish
His chin kind of resembles those fried egg inside a slice of bread "bullseye" breakfasts we used to eat at summer camp. Although why I would want to associate this nipple rubbing poobag with a fond food memory is a question better left for my psychiatrist.
Of course, that would be if I could afford a psychiatrist. Instead I mostly just talk to the 7-11 Clerk who usually asks me to "please leave" right around the time I start telling him how my mother didn't show me enough affection growing up. Stupid 7-11 clerk.
Best "Special" 'Bag Nominee #2: Polo Boy
This is one of my favorite pics ever on the site, if for nothing else then the yellow polo with pink polo wraparound sweater. And of course the most perfectly tanned hide since Buffalo Bill used to hand stitch saddles back in the 1880s.
I know I shouldn't make fun of 16 year old training-'bags, but how can I leave off Polo Boy from the list? If Anna Pacquin can win an Oscar at 10, Polo Boy can get a Douchie Nom.
Best "Special" 'Bag Nominee #3: The Red Cup
The fact this rather befudled young 'bag resembles the younger brother on "Growing Pains" is only one of many reasons to mock his scrotey nature. Wholesome midwestern Red Cup clutching lass is another. The dude in the back jonsing for cereal is simply an innocent bystander in this trainwreck of HCwD wrongness.
Best "Special" 'Bag Nominee #4: Graduation Scrote
The fact this guy graduated anything outside of the Learning Annex Tony Robbins "Personal Power" class is a terrifying indictment of the American educational system.
To paraphrase Otter in "Animal House," I put it to you, Greg. Isn't that an indictment of the United States of America itself?
This pic most certainly is.
Dartboard with darts holding up notes. Captain Morgan poster. And two cute little Frosh-in-Training hotties. Horns McShortbus makes me want to spew on the couch if it wouldn't blend right in. Because, uh, the pattern on the couch looks like puke. Figured I'd spell it out, in case Graduation Scrote's reading this.
Four good candidates. This one is a tough vote.
# posted by Douchebag1 @ 5:11 AM 
Comments:
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Gotta go with Hootie. This slug is gonna leave a trail of ick all over that perfect right tit. Pass the salt.
I'm nominating "Polo Boy" for the sole reason that it looks like he's just recently started Hormone Replacement Therapy. Bet ya 10 bucks he has a high voice. Betcha!
"Polo shirt once, shame on you.
Polo shirt twice, you're a douche."
"Polo shirt once, shame on you.
Polo shirt twice, you're a douche."
Definitely Hootie. That HC is way too freakin good for him. he needs to be going after someone like rosie o' donnel.
# posted by 
: 9:20 AM
: 9:20 AM
Yeah, but guys....you gotta remember that the Hootie pic was very probably taken at a Halloween or costume party. To wit, she's dressed as a (hot!) policewoman and Hootie knows he's sportin' man-boobs, hence the Hooter's shirt. So, we're not really seeing him at his most natural.
Unlike Polo boy, who's just being himself! lol I do concur on the HC side of the equation though...
Unlike Polo boy, who's just being himself! lol I do concur on the HC side of the equation though...
Why do more and more women think sucking their face inward to the point of implosion is sexy? They're not even blowing a kiss. They just think that's hot. It's really about as fashionable as men's pants hanging too low.
Polo Boy, as I sit here and listen to a heavy-assed cover of Devo's "Mongoloid" in his honor...
Don Juan de la Douche
Don Juan de la Douche
# posted by : 3:29 PM
: 3:29 PM
I'm not totally convinced that Hootie isn't a lesbian woman douche... just some food for thought...
# posted by : 4:05 PM
: 4:05 PM
Egads has there been a worse looking douche than Hootie on this site?? Gah! A douche who is truly nightmare worthy.
# posted by : 4:44 PM
: 4:44 PM
on a personal level, i would've voted for Graduation Scrote. i was one of the first douches to rail on him when he was first featured on HCwD, and one of the anonymous posters talked shit about us for it. when you think about it, that's special, man. you should be fucking PROUD of it.
# posted by : 7:19 PM
: 7:19 PM
Gotta agree with diane on the questionable status of hootie douche, even with the pit hairs tumbling out. This is tough, the convergence of scrote with special needs creates an emotional dissonance that is nearly as disturbing as the core HCwD motif. I was raised to never make fun of the kids on the short bus, now here I am voting on which is the most special douche of the year. Hmmm...well, even if you're special, as iowabagslayer points out, there is never a need for one izod polo, let alone two. I don't care if he's the inbred offspring of the Branson, Missouri nouveau riche...someone should know better, even this delectable little muffin in pink and white. Polo Boy, it is.
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# posted by : 7:18 AM
: 7:18 AM << Home
