Monday, December 25, 2006
The Douchies: Scariest Scrote
This a vote for those HCwD pics that illicit pure horror and fear. So this isn't "scary" in the sense of a horrifying White Chocolate pic. We'll have another category for that type of fear/revulsion. This is the Horror 'Bag category of the Douchies.
Without further ado, the nominees are...
Scariest Scrote Nominee #1: Old No. 7
A classic HCwD from last summer, I would like to reiterate that Old No. 7 is a class act, a scholar and a gentleman who is by no means a douchebag on any level whatsoever.
Please do not break me in half, Cro 'Bagnon Man.
Scariest Scrote Nominee #2: Wake Up!!
Holy crap, this 'bag goes beyond ordinary creepiness into another level of scrotery. But I do love this wholesome tomato. She's corn-fed Midwestern goodness.
This pic makes no sense. Which makes it a glorious contribution to the HCwD canon.
Scariest Scrote Nominee #3: The Angry 'Bag
Maybe Angry 'Bag doesn't quite create the visceral horror of the other two pics, but he's frightening in his own right, and he's protecting quite the little ball of hot wax with his angry gaze. Plus he's got hair issues and a sweat stain that frighten children like Michael-Jackson-Nose.
While it's true that this creepy knob may not be on the stomach churning level of the other two pics, lets also not forget his absolutely fantastic hottie.
Oh hell, I'm stretching. I couldn't find a pic to live up to the other two but I needed a third to round out the category.
So here you go. Douchie Award voting is open.... now.
Scariest Scrote Nominee #4: The Warthog
EDIT: Crap, I can't believe I forgot The Warthog. Dammit, I knew sorting throw all the pics of the last year was going to be tough. If anyone's already voted and wants to redo their vote for this Planet of the Hog, do so in the comments thread.
Damn, I forgot how fantastic a pic this is. It's like being punched in the face, and yet I like it. Must be the grey plastic sportscoat and American flag bandana.
Without further ado, the nominees are...
Scariest Scrote Nominee #1: Old No. 7
A classic HCwD from last summer, I would like to reiterate that Old No. 7 is a class act, a scholar and a gentleman who is by no means a douchebag on any level whatsoever.
Please do not break me in half, Cro 'Bagnon Man.
Scariest Scrote Nominee #2: Wake Up!!
Holy crap, this 'bag goes beyond ordinary creepiness into another level of scrotery. But I do love this wholesome tomato. She's corn-fed Midwestern goodness.
This pic makes no sense. Which makes it a glorious contribution to the HCwD canon.
Scariest Scrote Nominee #3: The Angry 'Bag
Maybe Angry 'Bag doesn't quite create the visceral horror of the other two pics, but he's frightening in his own right, and he's protecting quite the little ball of hot wax with his angry gaze. Plus he's got hair issues and a sweat stain that frighten children like Michael-Jackson-Nose.While it's true that this creepy knob may not be on the stomach churning level of the other two pics, lets also not forget his absolutely fantastic hottie.
Oh hell, I'm stretching. I couldn't find a pic to live up to the other two but I needed a third to round out the category.
So here you go. Douchie Award voting is open.... now.
Scariest Scrote Nominee #4: The Warthog
EDIT: Crap, I can't believe I forgot The Warthog. Dammit, I knew sorting throw all the pics of the last year was going to be tough. If anyone's already voted and wants to redo their vote for this Planet of the Hog, do so in the comments thread.
Damn, I forgot how fantastic a pic this is. It's like being punched in the face, and yet I like it. Must be the grey plastic sportscoat and American flag bandana.
# posted by Douchebag1 @ 12:01 PM 
Comments:
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what we have here are three victims of circumstance...albeit their own, self-induced circumstances (and a circumstance created by DB1), but victims nonetheless.
Old No. 7 isn't a douchebag at heart. His circumstance is, that he's simply evolved slower than most human beings. Granted, of course, that his 'roid use isn't helping things, nor is his misapplication of shaving cream and razor, or the obvious litany of bad decisions he's wearing...but - his massive, jutting brow is so thick that his poor cranium just doesn't have room for a more sophisticated brain. The tragedy is that Old No. 7 won't ever master modern life skills like coherent speech or the ability to reason, which will ultimately lead to his extinction. His hottie is bangin', but she's wearing a braid rope ring, which is just sad. In spite of the fact this guy is scaring you, me, that poor honey, the person taking the picture, and the club's door guy I can't, however, declare him the scariest of these three because he's been pitted versus...
Wake Up!! Wake Up is a victim of a bad education system. Gone are the days when kids were taught proper oral hygiene and grooming, and he is obviously suffering from this. He's also the victim of the fact he looks like Clif Burton on a tour bus telling James Hetfield to "SHUT OFF THAT ANNOYING CACAPHONY WHILST I SLEEP, ASSHOLE!!!" His honey baby is one of the cutest little sweater buttons I've ever laid these here peepers upon, thus making a near-perfect douche-to-hottie ration of .982:1.
Angry 'Bag is a victim of the fact he was pitted in a battle of scary against the other two entrants. If he were to smile, learn to drink out of 'grown-ups cups' and stop standing with his forehead against the wall in the corner, he might in fact be an alright guy. Well, judging from the delicious little morsel next to him, he's probably just a run-of-the-mill douche.
Wake Up!! Damn that guy scares me.a
Old No. 7 isn't a douchebag at heart. His circumstance is, that he's simply evolved slower than most human beings. Granted, of course, that his 'roid use isn't helping things, nor is his misapplication of shaving cream and razor, or the obvious litany of bad decisions he's wearing...but - his massive, jutting brow is so thick that his poor cranium just doesn't have room for a more sophisticated brain. The tragedy is that Old No. 7 won't ever master modern life skills like coherent speech or the ability to reason, which will ultimately lead to his extinction. His hottie is bangin', but she's wearing a braid rope ring, which is just sad. In spite of the fact this guy is scaring you, me, that poor honey, the person taking the picture, and the club's door guy I can't, however, declare him the scariest of these three because he's been pitted versus...
Wake Up!! Wake Up is a victim of a bad education system. Gone are the days when kids were taught proper oral hygiene and grooming, and he is obviously suffering from this. He's also the victim of the fact he looks like Clif Burton on a tour bus telling James Hetfield to "SHUT OFF THAT ANNOYING CACAPHONY WHILST I SLEEP, ASSHOLE!!!" His honey baby is one of the cutest little sweater buttons I've ever laid these here peepers upon, thus making a near-perfect douche-to-hottie ration of .982:1.
Angry 'Bag is a victim of the fact he was pitted in a battle of scary against the other two entrants. If he were to smile, learn to drink out of 'grown-ups cups' and stop standing with his forehead against the wall in the corner, he might in fact be an alright guy. Well, judging from the delicious little morsel next to him, he's probably just a run-of-the-mill douche.
Wake Up!! Damn that guy scares me.a
# posted by 
: 12:47 PM
: 12:47 PM
Normally, I am a strong believer in giving commentary, not because I believe I have anything interesting to say, but because it forces me to explain my decisions to myself.
Not in this case. Number two. Holy screaming fuck.
Not in this case. Number two. Holy screaming fuck.
# posted by : 1:24 PM
: 1:24 PM
#2 is instantly disqualified from my vote because he's a minor celebrity of sorts, meaning the HC's motivation for this photo is much different and more innocent than it would be in your traditional HCwD photo op. Also, he seems like more of a creep than a 'bag. He's not craving the camera, but lashing out at it, knowing that, without his fleeting fame, any nearby male could steal his young petunia away.
#3, though small of stature, has perfected the possessive/insecure/nothing-to-lose pose, which is accented by the crazy stain on his shirt. I wouldn't necessarily worry about him in my day-to-day activities, but he would definitely knife me if I glanced at his girlfriend while they were parked next to me at the gas station.
And that leaves #1. He's not angry at the camera, but confused by its magic. Lucky for him, he's got a nice young chica to teach him our ways. Although his lady isn't as hot as #3's, this time she's the possessive one, well aware that he's the henchman she needs to do her evil bidding. He may not be literate, but he has the perfect facade of a possible Ferigno bag. #1 is the frightening evolutionary link between UFC and MTV's The Grind and I want to stay as far away from him as possible.
#1 is the clear winner here, being equal parts 'bag and monster.
-TAC-
#3, though small of stature, has perfected the possessive/insecure/nothing-to-lose pose, which is accented by the crazy stain on his shirt. I wouldn't necessarily worry about him in my day-to-day activities, but he would definitely knife me if I glanced at his girlfriend while they were parked next to me at the gas station.
And that leaves #1. He's not angry at the camera, but confused by its magic. Lucky for him, he's got a nice young chica to teach him our ways. Although his lady isn't as hot as #3's, this time she's the possessive one, well aware that he's the henchman she needs to do her evil bidding. He may not be literate, but he has the perfect facade of a possible Ferigno bag. #1 is the frightening evolutionary link between UFC and MTV's The Grind and I want to stay as far away from him as possible.
#1 is the clear winner here, being equal parts 'bag and monster.
-TAC-
# posted by : 1:51 PM
: 1:51 PM
I really enjoy #2--it's maybe the funniest pic I've ever submitted here--but #1 is one of the greatest pics ever featured on the site. Gotta go with Old No. 7.
as it turns out, the douche that my brain reacts the strongest towards is the ol' No. 7.
i must be a whore for classics or something.
i must be a whore for classics or something.
# posted by : 5:42 PM
: 5:42 PM
Well, I WAS gonna vote scrote number 2. Imagine him coming into your room at night, and throwing all the lights on and screeching in your face like this. That's something you could probably never recover from. BUt, since he is indeed a minor celebrity, gotta deduct points from this pic.
So, I will go with Unfrozen Cave Man Lawyer. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I'm just a caveman. I fell on some ice and later got thawed out by some of your scientists. Your world frightens and confuses me! Sometimes the honking horns of your traffic make me want to get out of my BMW.. and run off into the hills, or wherever.. Sometimes when I get a message on my fax machine, I wonder: "Did little demons get inside and type it?" I don't know! My primitive mind can't grasp these concepts. But there is one thing I do know - when a man like my client slips and falls on a sidewalk in front of a public library, then he is entitled to no less than two million in compensatory damages, and two million in punitive damages. Thank you."
God Bless Phil Hartman.
So, I will go with Unfrozen Cave Man Lawyer. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I'm just a caveman. I fell on some ice and later got thawed out by some of your scientists. Your world frightens and confuses me! Sometimes the honking horns of your traffic make me want to get out of my BMW.. and run off into the hills, or wherever.. Sometimes when I get a message on my fax machine, I wonder: "Did little demons get inside and type it?" I don't know! My primitive mind can't grasp these concepts. But there is one thing I do know - when a man like my client slips and falls on a sidewalk in front of a public library, then he is entitled to no less than two million in compensatory damages, and two million in punitive damages. Thank you."
God Bless Phil Hartman.
Warthog is the spitting image of Klaus Kinski.
Gets my vote.He's not likely to tear you in half,but he could very likely smash you over the head with a bottle of Thunderbird screaming "Du Sow!!!!!!!Ich bin Gott!"
Gets my vote.He's not likely to tear you in half,but he could very likely smash you over the head with a bottle of Thunderbird screaming "Du Sow!!!!!!!Ich bin Gott!"
# posted by : 7:57 PM
: 7:57 PM
Old No.7 already kicked my ass earlier today and sent me into dreamland after bout 2 hours of doing shots, so I'm going with him...
Don Juan de la Douche
Don Juan de la Douche
# posted by : 8:42 PM
: 8:42 PM
I don't see how #2's minor celebrity status has anything to do with this category. It certainly doesn't take away from the unholy power of his scrotudinous visage. He might not be the douchiest 'bag to ever put his arm around a hottie, but we're voting on sheer scare-factor here. And while I'd be afraid of being pummeled or stabbed by one of the other nominees, Wake Up has the power to scare me in my own home.
This is a creature so vile that if my gaze happens to linger for a moment too long on the catastrophe of his teeth, I feel honestly concerned that the deadly flesh-eating bacteria that no doubt flourish there will somehow cross space and time to consume me. Seeing that cute little girl bound to his grotesqueness with one demonic claw as she is being molested by his hairy symbiotic companion, I wonder if perhaps she wasn't reduced to a seeping ruin of flesh and bone seconds after this photo was taken. I vote Wake Up, by a mile.
This is a creature so vile that if my gaze happens to linger for a moment too long on the catastrophe of his teeth, I feel honestly concerned that the deadly flesh-eating bacteria that no doubt flourish there will somehow cross space and time to consume me. Seeing that cute little girl bound to his grotesqueness with one demonic claw as she is being molested by his hairy symbiotic companion, I wonder if perhaps she wasn't reduced to a seeping ruin of flesh and bone seconds after this photo was taken. I vote Wake Up, by a mile.
# posted by : 11:12 PM
: 11:12 PM
Geez, dudes...do you believe everything you read? I'm totally not buying that the guy in photo #2 is the same guy in the "minor celebrity" link in the above comment. Not a chance.
If you read the sticker on Mr. Wake Up's shirt (and the graphic on Ms. Chesty's tank top) you'll see they're at an Abraham's Meat Plow concert.
If you do a little research you'll find that Abe's Meat Plow is a band from Hagerstown, MD that plays music they describe as "Mason-Dixon Style Hillbilly Heavy Metal." I'm thinking no celebrity--major or minor--would ever set foot at one of these concerts.
An interesting detail--note how they use the "Old No. 7" logo from Jack Daniel's on their homepage:
http://www.abrahamsmeatplow.com/main.html
Either way, minor celebrity status shouldn't affect how anyone votes here.
If you read the sticker on Mr. Wake Up's shirt (and the graphic on Ms. Chesty's tank top) you'll see they're at an Abraham's Meat Plow concert.
If you do a little research you'll find that Abe's Meat Plow is a band from Hagerstown, MD that plays music they describe as "Mason-Dixon Style Hillbilly Heavy Metal." I'm thinking no celebrity--major or minor--would ever set foot at one of these concerts.
An interesting detail--note how they use the "Old No. 7" logo from Jack Daniel's on their homepage:
http://www.abrahamsmeatplow.com/main.html
Either way, minor celebrity status shouldn't affect how anyone votes here.
I agree with the above comments -- celebrity status does not detract from one's douchitude. Could being a celebrity make one an even more dangerous douche due to the fact that people will be less likely to question the douchiness of a celebrity rather than an ordinary bloke? I uttered a gasp at seeing the truly horrific visage of Wake Up!, and if he is this Yohn character, he certainly fits the role of "hellboy" perfectly.
# posted by : 4:54 PM
: 4:54 PM
Well I didnt think this one would be hard, until you posted The Warthog. It looks like this gigantic douche just pulled up to the club, parked the Deloreon, and is ready to party like its 1999 baby. If I'm not mistaken, I believe this character is Prince's bastard child. I must admit, when I first looked at this picture I thought, where is the guy?
-Now, what do I ultimatly want to do? Hire No. 7 to beat the shit out of the rest of these candidates, and then I get to whisk that perfect Latina of angry bag's. Onto that, how did that sweaty bastard get her? I'm betting/praying he is tutoring her in Spanish.
-Ok, so the vote, yes No.7 is scary as shit, but I feel I could use some kind of jedi mind tricks to convince him I didnt call him a douche. Warthog is fucking disturbing, give him the award, and send him back to host "remote control" Oh, and give me that Latina while your at it
-Now, what do I ultimatly want to do? Hire No. 7 to beat the shit out of the rest of these candidates, and then I get to whisk that perfect Latina of angry bag's. Onto that, how did that sweaty bastard get her? I'm betting/praying he is tutoring her in Spanish.
-Ok, so the vote, yes No.7 is scary as shit, but I feel I could use some kind of jedi mind tricks to convince him I didnt call him a douche. Warthog is fucking disturbing, give him the award, and send him back to host "remote control" Oh, and give me that Latina while your at it
# posted by : 9:36 PM
: 9:36 PM
The "wake up" guy is for sure Rake Yohn from CKY, Jackass, and Viva La Bam, look it up if it really matters to you. He sure as shit is ugly, but I agree that because that is him doesnt change his douchiocity.
# posted by : 9:51 PM
: 9:51 PM
Is it me or does the douche in #3 look almost EXACTLY like Tracy Morgan from SNL?
Don Juan de la Douche
Don Juan de la Douche
# posted by : 11:35 PM
: 11:35 PM
While the other douchebags are "scary," Old No. 7 is truly the kind of person you bump into (bounce off of) look up and your heart stops for just a second as the adrenaline floods the nervous system and the flight response kicks in.
And, for some reason, I would risk my puny little pathetic life for a moment with that cherub cheekboned hottie he has in Kong-like grip.
And, for some reason, I would risk my puny little pathetic life for a moment with that cherub cheekboned hottie he has in Kong-like grip.
# posted by : 6:37 AM
: 6:37 AM
I cannot imagine the winner being anyone but Old #7, the Crobagnon man himself
# posted by : 9:38 AM
: 9:38 AM
whoa number 2 is definitely no 'bag, it's rake yohn from cky, viva la bam, haggard (hell boy), and one of bam's best friends... no douche involved.
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# posted by : 9:12 PM
: 9:12 PM << Home
