Monday, April 02, 2007
HCwD of the Week: 'Bag Mysticism Edition
This may be one of the hardest weekly contests we've ever had here at HCwDB. Each pic offers its own unique pungency of hottie/douchey wrongess. Each of our three sexy lotus flower and rotting fetid fish combos brings forth unique aesthetic appreciations. Art critics celebrate their primitive foregrounding of sexual confusion and chaos. Aspiring Douchebags pilgrimage to witness their superior douchey/hottie wrongness in person from as far away as Coconut Grove.
This is not an easy choice fellow 'bags, 'bag hunters and hotties. Choose wisely. The fate of sixteen gallons of Tag Bodyshots and popped collar pink I-Zods hang in the balance. Study each pic. Consider the hotness. Consider the stomach churning wrongess. Which of these three reaches douche transcendence? That, my friends, is up to you.
But enough of your humble narrator's ramblings. On to the finalists:
HCwD of the Week Finalist #1: The Dharma 'Bag
There are certain pics where the hottie/douchey comingling is so righteously wrong, so transcendently unholy, that bathing in lysol can't even cleanse the odor.
This is one of those times.
The Dharma 'Bag journeys out of a lost Kerouac novel on 1950s douchebags and finds himself in the present day, using his spiritual douche transcendence to cause the hotties to swarm Dean Moriarity style to his earthly manifestation.
Someday 10th graders across this nation will be forced to read of the journeys of The Dharma 'Bag, and write 3-5 page essays on it when they'd rather be playing basketball. Hang in there kids. College gets much much better.
But until that day when our education system comes to appreciate the alternative literary classics on the douchebag plague, it'll only be here, at HCwDB.com, that we'll examine the semiotic and linguistic ramifications of such an eastern Zen Douche Master as The Dharma here.
HCwD of the Week Finalist #2: Platoon aka Army of Scrote
It is rare that we get such a choice platter of douchitude all within one pic. Each iconic stereotype of the douche plague neatly represented and compartmentalized, as if we've ordered the PuPu Platter at Fei Ma Restaurant. Except the chicken wings and spare ribs in this PuPu Platter are actual Poo.
Yeah, I went for that joke. So sue me.
If Helen of Troy's face were abs, that's what they would look like. The Abs That Launched A Thousand Scrotes.
Hmm. I like that. I should write an epic novel with that theme.
HCwD of the Week Finalist #3: Velveeta 'Bag
Nothing says European mystical charm like an enormous upturned black collar, a velvet jacket, bizarre Euro-bling and the cut jawline of Guy Pierce prepping for his role in L.A. Confidouchebags.
Maria Von Trapp is bright bosomy goodness. The hills are alive with the sound of cleavite.
This creepy pairing almost doesn't make me wonder why a giant glowing alien UFO is flying through frame.
So there you have it, kids. What'll it be? Which of these three HCwDB pics are worthy of taking the next step into the upcoming HCwD of the Month smack-off?
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
This is not an easy choice fellow 'bags, 'bag hunters and hotties. Choose wisely. The fate of sixteen gallons of Tag Bodyshots and popped collar pink I-Zods hang in the balance. Study each pic. Consider the hotness. Consider the stomach churning wrongess. Which of these three reaches douche transcendence? That, my friends, is up to you.
But enough of your humble narrator's ramblings. On to the finalists:
HCwD of the Week Finalist #1: The Dharma 'Bag
There are certain pics where the hottie/douchey comingling is so righteously wrong, so transcendently unholy, that bathing in lysol can't even cleanse the odor.
This is one of those times.
The Dharma 'Bag journeys out of a lost Kerouac novel on 1950s douchebags and finds himself in the present day, using his spiritual douche transcendence to cause the hotties to swarm Dean Moriarity style to his earthly manifestation.
Someday 10th graders across this nation will be forced to read of the journeys of The Dharma 'Bag, and write 3-5 page essays on it when they'd rather be playing basketball. Hang in there kids. College gets much much better.
But until that day when our education system comes to appreciate the alternative literary classics on the douchebag plague, it'll only be here, at HCwDB.com, that we'll examine the semiotic and linguistic ramifications of such an eastern Zen Douche Master as The Dharma here.
HCwD of the Week Finalist #2: Platoon aka Army of Scrote
It is rare that we get such a choice platter of douchitude all within one pic. Each iconic stereotype of the douche plague neatly represented and compartmentalized, as if we've ordered the PuPu Platter at Fei Ma Restaurant. Except the chicken wings and spare ribs in this PuPu Platter are actual Poo.Yeah, I went for that joke. So sue me.
If Helen of Troy's face were abs, that's what they would look like. The Abs That Launched A Thousand Scrotes.
Hmm. I like that. I should write an epic novel with that theme.
HCwD of the Week Finalist #3: Velveeta 'Bag
Nothing says European mystical charm like an enormous upturned black collar, a velvet jacket, bizarre Euro-bling and the cut jawline of Guy Pierce prepping for his role in L.A. Confidouchebags.
Maria Von Trapp is bright bosomy goodness. The hills are alive with the sound of cleavite.
This creepy pairing almost doesn't make me wonder why a giant glowing alien UFO is flying through frame.
So there you have it, kids. What'll it be? Which of these three HCwDB pics are worthy of taking the next step into the upcoming HCwD of the Month smack-off?
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
# posted by Douchebag1 @ 12:47 PM 
Comments:
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Have to go with #2. They're like the Spice Girls of douche bags.
-Mountain Douche
-Mountain Douche
# posted by 
: 8:09 AM
: 8:09 AM
Army of Scrote without question! The other two are very weak contestants but what else is new the last 2 months.
-Doc
-Doc
# posted by : 8:23 AM
: 8:23 AM
Hmmmmm....a tough decision, to be sure.
Velveeta 'Bag: For some reason the blonde tressels isn't doing it for me. And this is odd since I, being a gentleman, prefer blondes. While the 'bag is without question inexcusably ass-tastic with a velvet sheen, this picture evokes more laughter than rage. Rendering it unworthy of the high honor of HCwDotW.
AoS/Platoon: This, to me, is the macrocosmic equivalence of a gaggle of spermatazoa clamouring for the same egg. Somehow, though, the number of dickheads in a given photo is inversely proportional to the nausea induced. Conversely, the number of HCs pictured with a weeping cyst of a 'bag are plotted directly parralel to the gag factor. Scientists have been toiling away at this conundrum since the virus first manifested itself circa 1 A.G.
Dharma 'Bag: What is the sound of one douche fapping? If a bag falls in the woods when nobody is around, does anyone care? For some reason, I am envisioning a swimming pool chicken fight with one side being Dharma riding astraddle Ol' Number Seven vs. Douche Lee atop the Donk. 'Cause I'm just that sick. And his chicks are lovely, never underestimate the power of a nice back. OH! I just noticed the poster for Umphrey's McGee, aka Shitty Jam Band #379. That pretty much seals the deal. Dharma FTW.
Velveeta 'Bag: For some reason the blonde tressels isn't doing it for me. And this is odd since I, being a gentleman, prefer blondes. While the 'bag is without question inexcusably ass-tastic with a velvet sheen, this picture evokes more laughter than rage. Rendering it unworthy of the high honor of HCwDotW.
AoS/Platoon: This, to me, is the macrocosmic equivalence of a gaggle of spermatazoa clamouring for the same egg. Somehow, though, the number of dickheads in a given photo is inversely proportional to the nausea induced. Conversely, the number of HCs pictured with a weeping cyst of a 'bag are plotted directly parralel to the gag factor. Scientists have been toiling away at this conundrum since the virus first manifested itself circa 1 A.G.
Dharma 'Bag: What is the sound of one douche fapping? If a bag falls in the woods when nobody is around, does anyone care? For some reason, I am envisioning a swimming pool chicken fight with one side being Dharma riding astraddle Ol' Number Seven vs. Douche Lee atop the Donk. 'Cause I'm just that sick. And his chicks are lovely, never underestimate the power of a nice back. OH! I just noticed the poster for Umphrey's McGee, aka Shitty Jam Band #379. That pretty much seals the deal. Dharma FTW.
Got to vote for the platoon. You get four uber-douchebags where each one is a competition on it's own. They douche as a well oiled team. And with all their games and pickups they snagged an ubber hottie with a perfect body. In my mind other contestants don't come close.
# posted by : 8:29 AM
: 8:29 AM
If not for the plethora of Douche in the Platoon, Dharma Bag would get my vote. He raises rage inside me unlike any of the others. BUT with the total combo of Aviators, Puka Shells, Tribal tats, all performing a deviation of the 'bag hand gesture. Not to mention the hottest of hotties this week. PLATOON is your winner.
-Grigori Rasdouchin
-Grigori Rasdouchin
# posted by : 8:39 AM
: 8:39 AM
Velveeta is certainly spew-inducing, but I'll narrow it down to platoon and Dharma. I'll give the nod to Dharma because he is one douche with two hotties. This is much more infuriating than four scrotes with one hottie.
# posted by : 9:10 AM
: 9:10 AM
I gotta step in and cast my vote for Velveeta. I mean, the douche is wearing a red velvet jacket for God's sake! You can't get douchier than that...
# posted by : 9:48 AM
: 9:48 AM
I have to go with Velveeta. Although, realistically, Eurodouche is more than likely her brother, everything about this "fella" is douche. And well, she has a sweetness to her that screams "I don't care if you're a douche, I love you anyway big bro!" And that's gotta speak for something. I would vote for Platoon on any other given day, but I've no sympathy for her, in fact, she seems quite pleased with her score o' scrote. And that shouldn't be rewarded.
Dharma bag gets my vote, curly hottness almost going to her knees as she caresses the BhuddaDouche Belly from the bowels of hell.Bad mojo.
I really have been staring at these three contestants for hours...it's almost impossible to make a selection. If you look closely at Velveeta bag, you can see that he has some bizarre mutation of a euro-trash mullet...long in the front and back yet short on the sides, slicked back with greasy product. Plus he has one of the douchiest facial expressions I have ever seen and he's wearing velvet. However, his lady friend is not in the same league as the others. I find it hard to vote for the A-Team of Douche because I believe they have an unfair advantage in numbers...I mean, I wonder what velveeta bag and dharma bag would be like with their friends...which I can imagine are in same league of douche. I think I need to go with Dharma bag...his douchery knows no limits. The amount of bling is disturbing, and the off-centered douche-mohawk is just ridiculous. Another top notch douche facial expression, popped collar, and double-handed douche hand signals seal the deal. Okay, back to work...
# posted by : 11:27 AM
: 11:27 AM
Well, a wise old man once told me: the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. I was young back then, wasn't really listening, and didn't really know what the hell he was even talking about.
Now, however, either I am older and wiser or something that makes that statement blaringly obvious has come to light, because I think I get it. PLATOON! While each choad individually could be a candidate himself, when put together, the overall douchitude emitted is something greater than just each one's individual 'baggyness.
You learn something every day if you just open your eyes and ears. And visit HCwDB.com!
However, I vote for Dharma. How could I not? Just look at him. The sum of his individual douche transcendence might be more than a whole.
-ScroteBob DouchePants
Now, however, either I am older and wiser or something that makes that statement blaringly obvious has come to light, because I think I get it. PLATOON! While each choad individually could be a candidate himself, when put together, the overall douchitude emitted is something greater than just each one's individual 'baggyness.
You learn something every day if you just open your eyes and ears. And visit HCwDB.com!
However, I vote for Dharma. How could I not? Just look at him. The sum of his individual douche transcendence might be more than a whole.
-ScroteBob DouchePants
# posted by : 11:51 AM
: 11:51 AM
I vote Dharma 'Bag. Velveeta 'Bag is just sort of a gay Val Kilmer vampire, and the Platoon needs four d-bags to compete with Dharma all by himself.
Velveeta gets my vote. This bag is oozing douche. The velvet jacket earned this bag extra credit. As to Dharma, I think this was a prank someone at his job/office played. One-on-one, no one in the platoon can compete with Velveeta.
# posted by : 1:01 PM
: 1:01 PM
the platoon for sure. the chica is four times hotter than any other contestant...
the dudes are four times douch-ier than any other 'bag in the running. seperately... combined - that's like 4 to the fourth power douchebag...
the dudes are four times douch-ier than any other 'bag in the running. seperately... combined - that's like 4 to the fourth power douchebag...
I'm going with the Dharma Bag because that facial expression makes me want to strangle infants.
# posted by : 1:27 PM
: 1:27 PM
"...lest ye be judged." But if one shall judge, in courage, begin first with one's own soul. Dharma- undoubtedly searching in earnest for his own Greg, but not for non-ironic douche purity- has foolishly spoken for himself. He has provided the window to his soul ( ...that was twobeaglesfuckus.com was it not, oh gluttonous one?) while declaring the falsity of his commitment to the path of doucheousness, and pridefully invited examination- an examination evidencing douchination by deception. Damn him to hellfire, not everlasting glory.
For the frail sinner Velveeta, we must speak for him, for he has, in ignorance of his sins, provided us no voice. So we seek the truths found in this image: two fair-haired youths much as is found in far northern european lands; verily, the fairer one might respond with an effervescent "Ja!" upon looking 'neath this monks robes (auto-flagellation followed by self-flagellation again to-night); the cigarette held in non-new world manner; and lastly, the "Hollywood" illumination also uncommon in the new world. Perhaps we might allow the Romeo of Reykjavik some dispensation -for ignornace of the standard by which he is judged- and for not putting the pork to a Bjork.
This leaves the examiner with the varied stellae de scrota collapsing inward toward the sun, our Phoebe, sol solis, puella pulchrituda. Damn the heavens if you dare, but damn these scoundrels to HCwD of the Week infamy because you must.
For the frail sinner Velveeta, we must speak for him, for he has, in ignorance of his sins, provided us no voice. So we seek the truths found in this image: two fair-haired youths much as is found in far northern european lands; verily, the fairer one might respond with an effervescent "Ja!" upon looking 'neath this monks robes (auto-flagellation followed by self-flagellation again to-night); the cigarette held in non-new world manner; and lastly, the "Hollywood" illumination also uncommon in the new world. Perhaps we might allow the Romeo of Reykjavik some dispensation -for ignornace of the standard by which he is judged- and for not putting the pork to a Bjork.
This leaves the examiner with the varied stellae de scrota collapsing inward toward the sun, our Phoebe, sol solis, puella pulchrituda. Damn the heavens if you dare, but damn these scoundrels to HCwD of the Week infamy because you must.
# posted by : 1:58 PM
: 1:58 PM
The Dharma bag is truly the anti-douche. Unlike the roid raging army of scrote flocking to one saline infused breast-o-flaged hottie or the red velvet nightmare desperately pulling blonde ambition closer to his business in the front party in the back euro-mulleted head... Dharma bag flaunts his glistening douchehawk like a peacock as they cling to him like kittens on a mothers nipples. How could a douche that is so old and overweight be able to seduce two such fine and willing specimens that have latched onto him like cestodes to a digestive track. We may never have that answer. The only thing we can do is silently weep to ousrselves and gaze in awe and utter dismay at the Zen Douche Master known to us as The Dharma Bag.
# posted by : 2:30 PM
: 2:30 PM
While platoon angers the blood the most, clearly dharma is the biggest bag. Just look at that specimen.
# posted by : 2:35 PM
: 2:35 PM
Say Cheese! Velveeta makes my skin crawl. I now know what a male anorexic looks like.
# posted by : 2:43 PM
: 2:43 PM
This is one of the few times where I think there can be no legitimate debate or reasonable dissent. The biggest douches are number two. I mean, they really are "number two", if you get my drift, and I think that you do.
Dharma Bag clinches the win this week. His popped collar, baggish hand gestures, various scrotesque bling, scraggly chin pubes and greased up hair are all diagnostic features of a true douchebag. He also has twice as many girls as the other finalists. This alone should easily carry him to victory.
Velvetta Bag is a euro scrote and being a douche in europe is as common as being a nascar fan in the States. His douchey stare and open shirt, while quite baglike just don't seem to scream DOUCHEBAG like Dharma Douche.
The Platoon of Douchebags surround a holy cleavite. She's pretty choice. Even the douche in the aviators points to her massive mammaries. While these guys multiply a douche factor 4x with added bag gestures. One must factor in this is probably the only hot chick they've seen, hence crowding around her trying to look all chachi. Needless to say on their own not any of these Stage 1 bagglings can compete with Dharma Bag.
Velvetta Bag is a euro scrote and being a douche in europe is as common as being a nascar fan in the States. His douchey stare and open shirt, while quite baglike just don't seem to scream DOUCHEBAG like Dharma Douche.
The Platoon of Douchebags surround a holy cleavite. She's pretty choice. Even the douche in the aviators points to her massive mammaries. While these guys multiply a douche factor 4x with added bag gestures. One must factor in this is probably the only hot chick they've seen, hence crowding around her trying to look all chachi. Needless to say on their own not any of these Stage 1 bagglings can compete with Dharma Bag.
# posted by : 3:06 PM
: 3:06 PM
Dharma bag has got to be kidding. It's like a kid showing up at the Pinewood Derby with a bottle rocket shoved up his car's ass. That utter unfairness is downright UnAmerican. The glasses alone should get this dude an ankle bracelet, but the combo of the bling, the facial moss, the butt and the drink put this guy into 'depress the plungers' territory. Yes, I mean execution. Ice him and use him for a month as an elevator counterweight then compost him.
Velveeta is a close second, and the Band of Borats is just too close to a freaking Bellobration to be true.
Ackkk! Dharma wins by a chin.
Velveeta is a close second, and the Band of Borats is just too close to a freaking Bellobration to be true.
Ackkk! Dharma wins by a chin.
# posted by : 5:09 PM
: 5:09 PM
I'm going with Velveeta 'Bag, I wanna smack that stupid look off his face.
Don Juan de la Douche
Don Juan de la Douche
# posted by : 7:42 PM
: 7:42 PM
Despite the group effort, and having the hotest of hotties, the Platoon just doesn't deserve the honor. If there was more touching going on these douches would have won hands down.
Dharma Douche deserves it, but he is too over the top and I feel like we are being had.
I have to give it to Velveeta. Between the velvet jacket, the eurobling and the popped collar; he's in need of a beating. As to the girl with velveeta, she's not hot; but I feel like I am witnessing a cute girl about to get raped by that douche bag.
Dharma Douche deserves it, but he is too over the top and I feel like we are being had.
I have to give it to Velveeta. Between the velvet jacket, the eurobling and the popped collar; he's in need of a beating. As to the girl with velveeta, she's not hot; but I feel like I am witnessing a cute girl about to get raped by that douche bag.
# posted by : 8:46 PM
: 8:46 PM
Velveeta makes me nauseous due to his effeminate look. The platoon are all breaking out bag gestures, but look like they've never been around a hottie before, at least one willing to capture the moment on film...
Dharma bag makes me... despise him. Check out the shocker gesture, with the cig. Besides all that everyone else commenting has pointed out about this bag, the fact that he seemed to anticipate a photo seems apparent, and his response was to be as Douchey As You Can Be.
And those saying Dharma bag is just effing around haven't seen his website. The dude's a true douche.
Dharma bag is my vote. He works way too hard at being a douchebag to not get the proper recognition, IMHO.
Dharma bag makes me... despise him. Check out the shocker gesture, with the cig. Besides all that everyone else commenting has pointed out about this bag, the fact that he seemed to anticipate a photo seems apparent, and his response was to be as Douchey As You Can Be.
And those saying Dharma bag is just effing around haven't seen his website. The dude's a true douche.
Dharma bag is my vote. He works way too hard at being a douchebag to not get the proper recognition, IMHO.
Platoon. this was a rather easy decision for me. strength in numbers (of scrotes). strength in size (of jugs). that is all.
Dharma looks like he is trying too hard to win the contest. Both Platoon and Velveeta represent their particular flavors of douchiness with ease. My first pick was Velveeta simply because he looks like he may have used Botox, a seriously douchey move for a male, but the platoon win out because they all have the smug look of your basic roid-abusing dateraper.
Velveeta is probably nice to his mother, he loses just for that.
Velveeta is probably nice to his mother, he loses just for that.
Gotta be the platoon.
Hottie lick - check.
Roids - check.
Puka shells - check.
Hand gestures - check.
Tribal tattoos - check.
Aviator specs - check.
Camera facial pose - check.
Stupid fine hottie - check.
Hottie lick - check.
Roids - check.
Puka shells - check.
Hand gestures - check.
Tribal tattoos - check.
Aviator specs - check.
Camera facial pose - check.
Stupid fine hottie - check.
# posted by : 8:39 AM
: 8:39 AM
Wow...the douchiness quotient this week is very high.
I have to go with Army of Scrote, simply because the power of four douchebags overcomes merely one. You have to give it to the Army of Scrote simply BECAUSE there are so many of them. And they all exhibit ample amounts of douchiness.
-Good Will Douching
I have to go with Army of Scrote, simply because the power of four douchebags overcomes merely one. You have to give it to the Army of Scrote simply BECAUSE there are so many of them. And they all exhibit ample amounts of douchiness.
-Good Will Douching
# posted by : 9:31 AM
: 9:31 AM
after briefly browsing dharma bag's website, he really seems more like a harmless dorkbag than a douchebag. And while dorkbag he may be, this guy really just seems to be someone who doesnt take himself, or life itself, very seriously. So zen on dharma bag, may you continue to elevate your dorkness to a blissful state of nirvana.
velveeta. heh. like people said earlier, he's just a funnybag. he doesnt evoke much anger within me, i pity his mere existence.
Platoon deservedly takes the cake for me this week. they all show signs of late-stage bag syndrome here..there is NO chance of reversal at this point. I wish Tom Berrenger was there to kick each of them in the nads with his combat boots while willem dafoe eloquently lectured a speech upon the moral atrocities which these bags have committed.
-Disciple of Scrote
velveeta. heh. like people said earlier, he's just a funnybag. he doesnt evoke much anger within me, i pity his mere existence.
Platoon deservedly takes the cake for me this week. they all show signs of late-stage bag syndrome here..there is NO chance of reversal at this point. I wish Tom Berrenger was there to kick each of them in the nads with his combat boots while willem dafoe eloquently lectured a speech upon the moral atrocities which these bags have committed.
-Disciple of Scrote
# posted by : 9:44 AM
: 9:44 AM
#3 Velveeta's ladyfriend just doesn't cut the mustard. Despite his overt 'baggery, I'm tossing this pic out.
#2 hotness looks like she pumps iron...and her booby pump. But which douche would get the honor?
Gotta cast with #1 Dharma 'Bag. Just about every known douchey attribute is at work here, and his honeys are awfully sweet.
Voting for Dharma,
Amerigo Vesdouchey
#2 hotness looks like she pumps iron...and her booby pump. But which douche would get the honor?
Gotta cast with #1 Dharma 'Bag. Just about every known douchey attribute is at work here, and his honeys are awfully sweet.
Voting for Dharma,
Amerigo Vesdouchey
# posted by : 11:56 AM
: 11:56 AM
It's Dharma Bag in a landslide. Instead of multiple douches around one hottie, Dharma attracted multiple hotties to the scrote. Run the numbers, people! Run the numbers!
# posted by : 4:31 PM
: 4:31 PM
Although... it makes a douche, douchier when he has to share a hot babe with 3 other guys... hmmm... then again... dharma seems to posess the jedi douche force.
dharma: "You ladies want to fawn all over my doucheness."
ladies: "We want to fawn all over your doucheness."
what exactly is the criteria for douche of the douches anyway?
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dharma: "You ladies want to fawn all over my doucheness."
ladies: "We want to fawn all over your doucheness."
what exactly is the criteria for douche of the douches anyway?
# posted by : 5:13 PM
: 5:13 PM << Home
