Wednesday, August 29, 2007

 

Douche Gossage


In hunting hottie/doucheys in the wild, it is rare that we find a red carpet scrote busting three of the prime signifiers of uber douchebaggery.

1. Designer Yankees cap at proper 10 degree tilt that screams club choad.
2. Facial pubes in alternate tri-vag formation.
3. And, of course, the Jesus Bling. Which in this case is Moses Bling.

Chicka looks a little too "pro" which always takes away from my fantasies of innocent librarian hotties violating me in lurid and inappropriate ways somewhere between my Dewey and Decimal.

I haven't been this shaken since the Nicole Eggert/Corey Haim sex scene in Blown Away.

Yes, I've seen Blown Away.

And yes, I may have paused my worn VHS dub on Nicole Eggert's low-rent Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct moves.

Because, hey. Nicole Eggert.

Comments:
I'll bet he's a mouthbreather. Bad adenoids possibly

But let us for a moment focus on Chicka. She seems to emit some distinct Bleethiness to be sure, but what I don't understand is the recycled Christmas bow look she's rocking.
 
she's a porn star. damned name escapes.
It doesn't matter lets just caller Tina McCockgobbler.

~Perez Douche~
 
That is a pro. Savanna Sampson. She's done a few adult movies in her day.

Last time I saw a scrote like that I was looking at my taint in the mirror.
 
Ah, the Jewche. Such a disappointment--a choad schanda.

Pro or no, she is the heat. Sort of a palate cleanser for your otherwise all-librarian diet.
 
Ummm decent face but Pancake titty... ewww.
BUB
 
This what Mega Man would look like if he had Down's Syndrome.
 
Now *that* is a bag.
 
This 'bag is labeled six ways to Sunday-- Yankees hat, dog tag, Star of David, band shirt (with cross), and some sort of douchey "designer" ski glasses. The only thing he forgot to label was the squinty chick next to him. I'm gonna guess hers would read "Girl on Girl ONLY" after this encounter.
 
this dudes face is screaming "please come smack the shit out of me" - i would love to oblige. love the face on chica, but not sure about the pancake boobie and 2nd vagina for a belly button.
 
This about marks the final transition from popped collared Lacoste to the now-tired and ubiquitous "Affliction" brand shirts. It's message is clear and mocks us with irony. Rather, the message (affliction) merely reminds us we are indeed in an era of douche affliction.
 
Did Paul Wall and Nicole Ritchie slam into each other at lightspeed and have this insect douche be the result of molecular changes at the nanoscale level?

Obviously the Wisteria Lane hottie has just the right amount of "I might stab you during sex" in her eyes to keep me going for the next five minutes...which is twice what I'm capable of if she were next to me.

- Ryan Seadouche
 
i'm not a violent person at all. however, i could see myself smacking this asshat in the skull with a baseball bat and not even blinking an eye. i know it sounds terrible, but look at him. he's asking for it.

and what happened to his electric shaver? he must have had it set on 'asshole'.

she's got a pretty face and that's where it stops. there is something terribly wrong with her boob cleavage. give it up sweetheart. your porn career is over. time to work the make-up counter at Neiman Marcus.

did i mention i want to hit him with a baseball bat? touch 'em all. pfah just went yard.
 
Dibs on her belly button.
 
This just pisses me off. There's no way this total assrod is actually a Yankee fan. I can't stand it. These puds wear Yankee shit. I guarantee he can't name 3 guys on the team other than Jeter and A-Rod.

Douchebag or not, I hate it when any male wears any team's gear for which he is not a true fan.

That being said, hat or no hat, this is definitely a true douchebag. I could go on and on, but I'm tired, and plus, just look at him. I bet half the 7 year olds in this country would peg this guy as a douchebag, and they don't even really know what it means. This wank is about as obvious a douchebag as the sky is blue.

The thing behind the chic has the complexion and hairdo of a blow-up doll. I think. That's what a friend told me anyway.
 
Scrotebob, I believe you are correct. Note the sign behind him reads 'Los Angeles' and 'Orange County'. Can you imagine a New York boy, or Chicago boy, wearing some other team's cap just cuz it looks cool to the chicks?

For some reason, I think, if this guy were a douchebag doll of some sort... he's perfect for some grillz. Reminds me of White Chocolate.

Oh. And he's perfect for pfah's bat, too.
 
hahaha Pfah, the razor on "asshole" setting was f'ing amazing.

BATTERRRR UUP
 
She's a porn star. She sometimes works under the name Monique Mudhorn.
 
he look angry.

I hope he's angry at his barber. I'm a lil bit angry at his barber. How'd he not laugh while he gave him that tigger beard?

Man this psuedo yankee poser make kabalah look street!
 
This is Savanna Sampson - she claims she was "coerced" into porn by her boyfriend because it was his fantasy to see her get fucked by a guy with a cock the size of a pringles can. I wonder if this is said boyfriend.
 
How can you turn yourself into a walking piece of shit like this and still have a mirror in your own house? The douche is trying hard to channel a gay Elvis by the look on his face or maybe the open mouth is a tribute to p diddy. The glasses alone beg for a shotgun blast to the face. The chica needs implants....preferably penil ones in the right places.
 
(bah, back after some time off)

this pic is from the red carpet? hmm.

of all of his douche accessories, i personally find his glasses most worthy of... utter destruction.
 
I have seen Savannah on the Howard Stern show many times. He must be pushing her breast in by being too close because her breasts are actaully not bad.
I always thought she looked a bit like Britney Spears. If Britney was good looking that is.

Marcos Douchebagdatis.
 
like i need another reason to HATE the skankees
 
welcome back lower case bag. we missed you.
 
I was seriously pissed off at this pic until phrenzy@11:26PM's pringles can reference. 10 degree cap tip to you, sir!
 
This post has been removed by the author.
 
hmmm....the big "mcfly" glasses, the religious bling, the "wtf" facial grooming (or lack thereof), the flipped hat bill cocked 15 degrees, the "i just shit myself" facial expression, and of course....the hottie. i much more hate douchebags like this than such popular bags like "pumpy", and "old No. 7", at least those douchebags could kick my ass. this guy pisses me off because i wouldn't no where to go to kick his ass.

on the douche scale i give fuck face here 4.5/5 bags
 
You are all very wrong about this brave lad: this is Gary Johnston: Top. Gun. Actor. He has been valmorphanized into a Club Bag to infiltrate the douche casserole that is New Jersey for Team America.

Gary: "Doucha-doucha!"
Club Door Man: "Doucha-doucha, Versace TAG?"
Gary: "Doucha-doucha, Versace Grey Goose!!!"
Club Door Man: "Ahhh, Doucha Doucha..."
 
When I crop the pic to show only her face, I see Rachel Welch from Mother, Jugs, and Speed. Yum.

I'm sure the irony is lost on this choad, but he's sporting the double-headed eagle of the German Confederation together with the Star of David.

Can I put some nails in Pfah's bat?
 
i was just checking out his rediculous necklace.

what, exactly, is hanging below his star of david bling? is it a misshapen turd? a roll of brown toilet paper? help me figure this out please.

and yes, nails are a welcome addition to my bat.
 
Looks like this fuck-stick lost a fight with his electric razor.

God she's hot.

Amerigo Vesdouchey
 
Pfah: I think he's sporting Hate Crime's 2 GB USB dog tag....

She definately looks the part of a porn star; prolly reeks o' nut juice.
 
@iBling............ I was trying to figure out who he got the glasses/doucheburns combo from. This choad is no Megaman.........
 
I really don't think this choad knows where he is. I don't even think he knows what year it is right now.

I'd like to bust out my Willis McGahee on Savanna there. I'd be wearing the shit out of a James hat though...or two.

-Honus Bagner
 
I don't even think that this guy looks human. That does not prevent me from wanting to strangle him with his star of david necklace.
 
Sorry but "Jewche" is the comment of the week. Hysterical.....

If we're lucky, soon there will be glasses big enough to cover the whole douche face. You can't stop progress.
 
the brunette mannequin behind slutty Vivid knob-gobbler in the Laura Ashley throwaway fabric bolt bra is more expressive than uber-denominational minor league Billy Idol.

the douchess of kunt
 
Dude, Lisa Marie wants her lower face back.
 
wicked gross implant scar
I declare her ScarChest!
 
Savannah's tits have less support than a Utah mine shaft.

the douchess of kunt
 
GOOD GOD!?!?! Haven't jewish people suffered enough?

I label this guy 'ass-kenazi', its not as good as 'Jewche' but its the best I can do.

I say we just give this clown HCWDB of the Week and spend the next 3 days drinking away the pain.

~Bagglio Ordonez~
 
I'd just like to point out that his shirt reads "Affliction" and for that he gets props.

Because he's right.

- Ryan Seadouche
 
fuckin' douchebag...
 
this guy makes me want to turn him into a lampshade, aushwitz style. What a moron.
 
It's all been said, so I'll comment on what hasn't. Love the Jack Handy reference at the end!
 
Jew-Bag
 
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