Monday, October 08, 2007
HCwDB of the Week
Other then the sad news about Pumpy, it was generally a good weekend for your humble narrator in all things greasy/scrotey, The DB1. Not the least of which was enjoying the Saturday Night Live sketch, "The Douchebag of the Year Awards." It was pretty funny, although lacking in the dialectic of hott-chick.
But I think I enjoyed it more the first time. When it was called "Hot Chicks with Douchebags."
I was just glad to see SNL is still on the air after all these years. I thought it crashed and burned in the early 2000s after that self inflicted influenza outbreak in Decatur, Illinois.
I'm not sure if you read about it. Overwhelmed by having laughs, humor and mirth sucked out of their subconscious through the psychoanalytic trauma known as "Jimmy Fallon," the audience started self injecting active flu virus into their eyeballs using giant horse needles. A last, desperate attempt by a sad and desperate people to spare themselves from the existential crisis known as the "Fallon Stutter." Very sad.
But I kid the SNL writing staff. Because I'm sitting on my floor scratching myself, and they're getting uberhott New York Dalton educated librarian glasses wearing art-hotties at the after party. Damn New York Art Hotties. I miss you so.
On to the finalists...
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: The Velvet Helmet
The ancient Greeks had a word to describe this guy.
That word was "douchebagus ipso facto umberto eco." Well, okay, it was more like a phrase than a word. Roughly translated, it means "Where'd I leave my socks?"
We've seen hotter lineups of hotties, most recently in Friday Night Freddy, but those girls had the quasi-"pro" vibe. And, like we saw with Dante's Assferno, the perfect hottie glutes of child bearing hip hugging asstastic perfection will only take a hottie/douchey coupling so far if they're paid to be there.
So what to make of Velvet Helmet's douchey ways? And what to do with Terri Hatcher Crazy Eyes hottie, whose perky overbite would get The DB1 to overspend on a bottle of $90 saki at Sushi Roku while she tells me about her new agent and how he's totally going to get her a part on "24."
No. No he isn't, Terri Hatcher Crazy Eyes. And this saki is expensive.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: The Dude With a Lot of Popped Collars
The Dude With a Lot of Popped Collars has that everyman Rocky Balboa inspirational douchebaggery. Like Ricky before him, The Dude With a Lot of Popped Collars has a shot a cult hero status.
He's the little 'bag that could.
He's got a perky state school cutie named Ramona or Sharon. And he's got a lot of popped collars.
Douche? Perhaps only on a rudimentary level of douchological impact.
But still. In many ways he has a profound douche essence well beyond the actual signifiers of douchery. And hey. Thems a lot of popped collars. So I enter him and Sharon/Ramona with the nice smile, and see if they have what it takes to win the Weekly. They just might. Because hey. That's a lot of popped collars.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Thornton Mellon Stewie Head
Inverted football Stewie Head Thornton Mellon was our Wednesday Limerick candidate, so I dub thee after the great Rodney Dangerfield's great performance in Back To School.
Mellon here is an impressive 'bag/hott combo because he retains his douchey imprint long after initial consumption has taken place.
Like a delicate flower. Or a punch to the ballsack.
The Council of Trent! What's that? Sorry, I didn't hear the question. Oh, the question was why is Thornton Mellon Stewie Head and his cutie worthy for HCwDB of the Week honors?
Because Mellon has chin pubes, the A/X, and the sexy corn fed brunette ball of teddy bear cute. Toss in the mexican sombrero guy in the background and the only thing that would make this pic more fantastic is an oragutan packin' heat, like in Cannonball Run II.
Speaking of Cannonball Run II, was that Molly Picon cameo the most random slice of cameo casting esoterica until Bono as Ken Kesey in "Across the Universe"? I'd argue yes.
But I digress. Like a Fallon laugh ruining a sketch, which of these three pics is your selection for hott/choad winner? The mellon head of Thornton Mellon Stewie Head and his sexy cornfed hottie? The everyman populist campaign of The Dude With a Lot of Popped Collars and Ramona with the nice smile? Or is it the classic scrotal annoyances of Velvet Helmet and his posse of hott?
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
But I think I enjoyed it more the first time. When it was called "Hot Chicks with Douchebags."
I was just glad to see SNL is still on the air after all these years. I thought it crashed and burned in the early 2000s after that self inflicted influenza outbreak in Decatur, Illinois.
I'm not sure if you read about it. Overwhelmed by having laughs, humor and mirth sucked out of their subconscious through the psychoanalytic trauma known as "Jimmy Fallon," the audience started self injecting active flu virus into their eyeballs using giant horse needles. A last, desperate attempt by a sad and desperate people to spare themselves from the existential crisis known as the "Fallon Stutter." Very sad.
But I kid the SNL writing staff. Because I'm sitting on my floor scratching myself, and they're getting uberhott New York Dalton educated librarian glasses wearing art-hotties at the after party. Damn New York Art Hotties. I miss you so.
On to the finalists...
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: The Velvet Helmet
The ancient Greeks had a word to describe this guy.
That word was "douchebagus ipso facto umberto eco." Well, okay, it was more like a phrase than a word. Roughly translated, it means "Where'd I leave my socks?"
We've seen hotter lineups of hotties, most recently in Friday Night Freddy, but those girls had the quasi-"pro" vibe. And, like we saw with Dante's Assferno, the perfect hottie glutes of child bearing hip hugging asstastic perfection will only take a hottie/douchey coupling so far if they're paid to be there.
So what to make of Velvet Helmet's douchey ways? And what to do with Terri Hatcher Crazy Eyes hottie, whose perky overbite would get The DB1 to overspend on a bottle of $90 saki at Sushi Roku while she tells me about her new agent and how he's totally going to get her a part on "24."
No. No he isn't, Terri Hatcher Crazy Eyes. And this saki is expensive.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: The Dude With a Lot of Popped Collars
The Dude With a Lot of Popped Collars has that everyman Rocky Balboa inspirational douchebaggery. Like Ricky before him, The Dude With a Lot of Popped Collars has a shot a cult hero status.
He's the little 'bag that could.
He's got a perky state school cutie named Ramona or Sharon. And he's got a lot of popped collars.
Douche? Perhaps only on a rudimentary level of douchological impact.
But still. In many ways he has a profound douche essence well beyond the actual signifiers of douchery. And hey. Thems a lot of popped collars. So I enter him and Sharon/Ramona with the nice smile, and see if they have what it takes to win the Weekly. They just might. Because hey. That's a lot of popped collars.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Thornton Mellon Stewie Head
Inverted football Stewie Head Thornton Mellon was our Wednesday Limerick candidate, so I dub thee after the great Rodney Dangerfield's great performance in Back To School.
Mellon here is an impressive 'bag/hott combo because he retains his douchey imprint long after initial consumption has taken place.
Like a delicate flower. Or a punch to the ballsack.
The Council of Trent! What's that? Sorry, I didn't hear the question. Oh, the question was why is Thornton Mellon Stewie Head and his cutie worthy for HCwDB of the Week honors?
Because Mellon has chin pubes, the A/X, and the sexy corn fed brunette ball of teddy bear cute. Toss in the mexican sombrero guy in the background and the only thing that would make this pic more fantastic is an oragutan packin' heat, like in Cannonball Run II.
Speaking of Cannonball Run II, was that Molly Picon cameo the most random slice of cameo casting esoterica until Bono as Ken Kesey in "Across the Universe"? I'd argue yes.
But I digress. Like a Fallon laugh ruining a sketch, which of these three pics is your selection for hott/choad winner? The mellon head of Thornton Mellon Stewie Head and his sexy cornfed hottie? The everyman populist campaign of The Dude With a Lot of Popped Collars and Ramona with the nice smile? Or is it the classic scrotal annoyances of Velvet Helmet and his posse of hott?
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
# posted by Douchebag1 @ 7:23 AM 
Comments:
<< Home
It has to be the multi-collared Jake Gyllenhall clone. When one considers the ratio of douchiness to hot chick (as DB1 so eloquently explained in his opening screed), the other two pictures just don't measure up. I worry, though, that his douchiness is forced and he WANTS to win this award this week. But then again, maybe it's really chilly where he is and he couldn't afford an ascot to keep warm.
Besides, who can really rip on the third picture without feeling that they've made fun of someone with Down's Syndrome? Ok, I can. His shirt has an A and a Y, and all that's missing is the G.
Besides, who can really rip on the third picture without feeling that they've made fun of someone with Down's Syndrome? Ok, I can. His shirt has an A and a Y, and all that's missing is the G.
I have to go with Mellon this week. His smoochy lips pouty face is rage-inducing, and his chick is hotter than the others.
Popped-collar dude is douchey enough but I think he's more of a nerd trying to be cool...and failing miserably.
Velvet has that god-awful hair and jacket but other than that, not all that douchey.
Popped-collar dude is douchey enough but I think he's more of a nerd trying to be cool...and failing miserably.
Velvet has that god-awful hair and jacket but other than that, not all that douchey.
The Velvet Helmet for the win. The ratios are off, but the crazy diamond that is Terri Hatchlette makes up for everything. Yeah, some of these other chicks are looking a little busted, but TH is a bra-less slice of heaven, and her crazy eyes send me down a pleasantly unpleasant memory lane of crazy ex-girlfriends. The fact that this douche decided that a velvet smoking jacket and hair shaped like a hatchet were good ideas for wooing this luscious lovely just awards him even more douche points, in my eyes. And the fact that someone on the right, mostly unseen, is drinking a tumbler full of Windex to escape this douche says it all.
# posted by 
: 7:57 AM
: 7:57 AM
mellon head. he's unaware of his douchiness, which makes him all that much more a douche. plus the chick is hot waay hotter than he should ever get
# posted by : 7:57 AM
: 7:57 AM
I vote for Mellon, Just looking at that face makes me want to do a spinning side kick to his troat.
# posted by : 8:00 AM
: 8:00 AM
wow... no easter island head? no maphead? no friday night freddie?
they were the best ones.
i vote for none.
they were the best ones.
i vote for none.
# posted by : 8:01 AM
: 8:01 AM
Popped collar guy was just aping around for St. Paddy's day; I thing his allegiance is more to the color green than the three-legged stool of Axe/Tag/Gel that supports the universe of Douchesity. And a firm stool it is.
Velvet is just phoning it in, and bevy of legg be damned, that just ain't gonna cut the mustard in this outfit.
That leaves Stewie, with his birth-canal-distorted melon, his penilesque nose and his fleshy bowl of love chowder. Now, go anoint your greasey head with Germ-x, you lozenge head.
Velvet is just phoning it in, and bevy of legg be damned, that just ain't gonna cut the mustard in this outfit.
That leaves Stewie, with his birth-canal-distorted melon, his penilesque nose and his fleshy bowl of love chowder. Now, go anoint your greasey head with Germ-x, you lozenge head.
Gotta cast with #2 popped collar flamer. Why a whopping four shirts? And all of them collared no less, the outer one apparently some kind of cheap polo knock off. It doesn't appear to be a cold day; Ramona is doing just fine in only a tank top.
More importantly, how could cutie Ramona smile while standing next to this over-popped shitrod with mousse ridden bullet proof douche hair?? God.
Pop the vote.
Amerigo Vesdouchey
More importantly, how could cutie Ramona smile while standing next to this over-popped shitrod with mousse ridden bullet proof douche hair?? God.
Pop the vote.
Amerigo Vesdouchey
# posted by : 8:15 AM
: 8:15 AM
It has to be Mellon. And I give you this checklist as proof.
-Chinualar Pubification
-Pouty lips that would make the Baby Jesus leap from his manger to lay a holy fist of fury and rage across poor Mellon's oddly shaped face
-Uber Hottness
-Ridiculous hair styling a la Helmet, only blonde and less pointy.
-An all too cleaver Baldwin look alike syndrome that he has no doubt used to his advantage to score some sweet sweet trim more than once
-And finally, when presented with all of his glorious douchitude, just looking at that picture makes me want for the ancient native american superstition of soul-capturing photographs to be 100% true so that we may collect and capitalize on the supreme douche that is Mellon.
Fin
-Chinualar Pubification
-Pouty lips that would make the Baby Jesus leap from his manger to lay a holy fist of fury and rage across poor Mellon's oddly shaped face
-Uber Hottness
-Ridiculous hair styling a la Helmet, only blonde and less pointy.
-An all too cleaver Baldwin look alike syndrome that he has no doubt used to his advantage to score some sweet sweet trim more than once
-And finally, when presented with all of his glorious douchitude, just looking at that picture makes me want for the ancient native american superstition of soul-capturing photographs to be 100% true so that we may collect and capitalize on the supreme douche that is Mellon.
Fin
# posted by : 8:18 AM
: 8:18 AM
Thornton Mellon Stewie Head.
Dude with many popped collars had a legitimacy/intimacy issues. Supposedly he wore so many popped collars as a joke. He's still a fag, so whatever relation he has with the hottie can't be favorable for her if she plans on procreating.
For the remaining douchebags...
fauxhawk, check
nauseating apparel, check
face even a mother would loath? Thornton Mellon Stewie Head.
Dude with many popped collars had a legitimacy/intimacy issues. Supposedly he wore so many popped collars as a joke. He's still a fag, so whatever relation he has with the hottie can't be favorable for her if she plans on procreating.
For the remaining douchebags...
fauxhawk, check
nauseating apparel, check
face even a mother would loath? Thornton Mellon Stewie Head.
# posted by : 8:18 AM
: 8:18 AM
The Velvet Helmet panorama, left to right: Semi-bleeth, bleeth-in-waiting, SUPERPRO-bleeth-with-Christina-Ricci-hairline, swankchoad with doodyhead, semi-hott, loco-eyes-braless-with-hint-of-sideboob, average-bleeth. Move along.
The dude with a lot of popped collars ("TDWALOPC") isn't so douchey by himself, but the fact that his frat bros all had to jump into the conversation to defend their boy and talk smack about the regulars indicates that while he may be an alright guy -- maybe -- he's runnin' with the douche. And he's been documented heinously popping FOUR collars, people. Lest we forget.
Mellon. What a mess. If he sucks his cheeks in any further, he's gonna need oral surgery to remove his molars from his trachea. His forehead is a perfect, slick rectangle topped with a greasy crescent of over-stressed hair. His eyes are so wide-set he makes Billy Bob Thornton look like well-bred European royalty. His rosy cheeks look like he's been huffing his tailpipe. Throw in the chubes, A/X wear that he "borrowed" from his roommate, attempted bling, an unsuspecting Hott with a warm, healthy glow, and a dude wearing a cheap Mexican tourist sombrero in the background, and you've got your winner.
Mellon by a head.
The dude with a lot of popped collars ("TDWALOPC") isn't so douchey by himself, but the fact that his frat bros all had to jump into the conversation to defend their boy and talk smack about the regulars indicates that while he may be an alright guy -- maybe -- he's runnin' with the douche. And he's been documented heinously popping FOUR collars, people. Lest we forget.
Mellon. What a mess. If he sucks his cheeks in any further, he's gonna need oral surgery to remove his molars from his trachea. His forehead is a perfect, slick rectangle topped with a greasy crescent of over-stressed hair. His eyes are so wide-set he makes Billy Bob Thornton look like well-bred European royalty. His rosy cheeks look like he's been huffing his tailpipe. Throw in the chubes, A/X wear that he "borrowed" from his roommate, attempted bling, an unsuspecting Hott with a warm, healthy glow, and a dude wearing a cheap Mexican tourist sombrero in the background, and you've got your winner.
Mellon by a head.
# posted by : 8:21 AM
: 8:21 AM
Thornton Mellon Stewie Head because anyone who looks like a parrot fish next to a cute girl is a douchebag.
I'm going with Mellon Head.
The multiple popped-collar douchebag is still amateur, still learning. At this point, still more of an idiot than a douchebag.
Velvet Helmet pisses me off with his little smirk and plethora of hott. But he's got nutin' on the Assferno.
Mellon Head is a true douchebag. Multiple indicators here, including the stereotypical douche-face. Plus, I think there is an "E" on the back of his shirt, therefore spelling AXE.
Oh, and I love brunettes. She's my kind of girl. She's way too hot for him, which raises my rage factor at this photo.
Mellon Head for the win.
The multiple popped-collar douchebag is still amateur, still learning. At this point, still more of an idiot than a douchebag.
Velvet Helmet pisses me off with his little smirk and plethora of hott. But he's got nutin' on the Assferno.
Mellon Head is a true douchebag. Multiple indicators here, including the stereotypical douche-face. Plus, I think there is an "E" on the back of his shirt, therefore spelling AXE.
Oh, and I love brunettes. She's my kind of girl. She's way too hot for him, which raises my rage factor at this photo.
Mellon Head for the win.
The pooped collar kid (I know I misspelled "popped" but I'm leaving it) is enough to make me want to punch a premature baby in the head. He looks just plain evil. I think his look would be complete with a monocle and a Snidely Whiplash mustache.
Thornton Mellon Stewie Head is that guy at the party who drank too much Jose Cuervo and puked in his mouth but held it in and swallowed everything back. Next he goes around to the hotties and tries his best pick-up lines but it never works because she can smell the vomit on his breath. Just sick and sad if you ask me.
I'm going with the Velvet Helmet today. Why? Because he somehow broke into my house, stole my velvet jacket that I was planning on wearing for Halloween, and then dyed it red and ruined it! That douchebag! Also the greasy fauxhawk, cranberry and vodka drink, and jizz-stained crotch complete the effect.
Thornton Mellon Stewie Head is that guy at the party who drank too much Jose Cuervo and puked in his mouth but held it in and swallowed everything back. Next he goes around to the hotties and tries his best pick-up lines but it never works because she can smell the vomit on his breath. Just sick and sad if you ask me.
I'm going with the Velvet Helmet today. Why? Because he somehow broke into my house, stole my velvet jacket that I was planning on wearing for Halloween, and then dyed it red and ruined it! That douchebag! Also the greasy fauxhawk, cranberry and vodka drink, and jizz-stained crotch complete the effect.
Oh, and I forgot to mention:
Jimmy Fallon is the primary reason the terrorists hate us. Our nation could be at peace right now if someone would only scoop the wanker up in a Hefty Bag and FedEx his ass overnight to a cave in Pakistan. It really is that simple.
Jimmy Fallon is the primary reason the terrorists hate us. Our nation could be at peace right now if someone would only scoop the wanker up in a Hefty Bag and FedEx his ass overnight to a cave in Pakistan. It really is that simple.
# posted by : 8:40 AM
: 8:40 AM
I think you have to give it to multi-pop because it seems obvious that he truly believes that his douche-ness is going to help him bag his hottie. Velvet's look of disinterest clearly indicates that either a) he is gay (not that there's anything wrong with that), b) he happened to bump into this hottie smorgasbord who begged for a photo-op (because of the douche-ness), or c) he is gay...wait, did I already mention that? Let's face it, with the high forehead and faux-hawk accentuating the curse of his mother's fanatical regimen of Kiegel exercises, coupled with the lower-lip fungus and oddly phallic proboscis, Mellon ain't got a chance with his hottie. So, Pop wins this one by default.
il Douche
il Douche
# posted by : 8:41 AM
: 8:41 AM
Damn How i love KellyBelly's cleavage and hate Ed. More like special Ed.
Anyway NONE of the chicks are hot, in any of the photos. Therefore i am mentally putting KellyBelly into all of the photos and will judge them as so. My vote will go to the cabbage patch douche, the kid with lots of popped colors. Whether this was a prank or not can be debated, what cannot be debated is that he has been seen in multiple pictures looking like a douche. How many "douche theme nights" can one attend before they get infected with the Greico virus. My friend here has been infected and much like a milgnant form of cancer it is spreading. from the popped color the greico virus spread to his hair gel kept going until it reached his brain which told him, Axe Body Spray is a GREAT choice.
Anonymous
Anyway NONE of the chicks are hot, in any of the photos. Therefore i am mentally putting KellyBelly into all of the photos and will judge them as so. My vote will go to the cabbage patch douche, the kid with lots of popped colors. Whether this was a prank or not can be debated, what cannot be debated is that he has been seen in multiple pictures looking like a douche. How many "douche theme nights" can one attend before they get infected with the Greico virus. My friend here has been infected and much like a milgnant form of cancer it is spreading. from the popped color the greico virus spread to his hair gel kept going until it reached his brain which told him, Axe Body Spray is a GREAT choice.
Anonymous
# posted by : 8:53 AM
: 8:53 AM
Velvet's got the hott, of that there is no doubt. And blue shirt is a vision. I have the feeling though that he let the girls dress him this way, like a bad subject on "Extreme Makeover: Choad Edition" or "Maury Povich." Worthy of a nomination, but not the prize.
PopCorn is to douchebags as Goober is to Gomer. A great character, but not worthy of his own show.
Thusly, my vote goes to Squinty Horse Head. He's got it all: Fauxhawk, chin pubes, bling, kissyface, even a minority sidekick in stereotypical outfit. And I'm willing to bet that his profile looks like an halibut.
PopCorn is to douchebags as Goober is to Gomer. A great character, but not worthy of his own show.
Thusly, my vote goes to Squinty Horse Head. He's got it all: Fauxhawk, chin pubes, bling, kissyface, even a minority sidekick in stereotypical outfit. And I'm willing to bet that his profile looks like an halibut.
Popped Collars gets the vote. He actualy seems like he went out of his way to look like a huge bag, so Ill congradulate him with my vote.
Also, that's a really impecable Blue Steel look.
Also, that's a really impecable Blue Steel look.
# posted by : 9:03 AM
: 9:03 AM
Oh and Mellon just looks like he had sea food poisoning more than anything. That's what you get for serving tuna tacos on Mexican night
# posted by : 9:06 AM
: 9:06 AM
I'm going against my instinct to vote for Helmet and instead will cast my lot with Thornton. Why? Because despite being well on her way to drunk, hottie still maintains a nice smile, but more importantly, because there is a sombrero in the picture.
Mellon Head. He's a total scrote, which I suppose makes him a scrotalitarian. Faux-hawk, chin pubes, douche-bling, and a vacuous piece of arm candy, and there you have it!
I think we've established that TDWALOPC is a dweeb, but not necessarily a douche, even if he seems to be trying very hard to be one. He gets a St. Patty's Day bye.
I think we've established that TDWALOPC is a dweeb, but not necessarily a douche, even if he seems to be trying very hard to be one. He gets a St. Patty's Day bye.
# posted by : 9:07 AM
: 9:07 AM
It's hard not to vote for DWALOPC's, but I have to cast my vote this week for Mellon head. For some reason this looks like a party i could totally go to and bump into this guy just so he could make some smart remark about how his A/X shirt cost more than I make in a week. Then I could kick his ass while his girlfriend is holding onto my arm begging me to stop. I can dream right? Plus he has the hottest chick.
Velvet Helmet is decent, but if blue top's sideboobs were a little more in the D-Cup region, he may have got my vote.
But DB1, 99.9% of the time you are right on, but DWALOPC's is no Ricky. Yeah he may have a following, but nobody rocked like Ricky. Nobody. Period. But who knows, he may grow on me. And by grow on me i mean cause me to find him and unpop his collars with a Hattori Hanzo.
Velvet Helmet is decent, but if blue top's sideboobs were a little more in the D-Cup region, he may have got my vote.
But DB1, 99.9% of the time you are right on, but DWALOPC's is no Ricky. Yeah he may have a following, but nobody rocked like Ricky. Nobody. Period. But who knows, he may grow on me. And by grow on me i mean cause me to find him and unpop his collars with a Hattori Hanzo.
# posted by : 9:12 AM
: 9:12 AM
Collar Pop.
The kids got spunk, and although he doesnt currently flash the credentials of the other contestants I will always pull for the underdog.
Because Im a Cleveland sports fan.
The kids got spunk, and although he doesnt currently flash the credentials of the other contestants I will always pull for the underdog.
Because Im a Cleveland sports fan.
# posted by : 9:15 AM
: 9:15 AM
@Vader......... The sombrero did it for me too. This looks like a kick ass party sans the choad. I said i wanted to vote for a douchebag today that had a sombrero somewhere in the picture and looky here!!!!
Welcome back KB. I think the only one that missed you was me.
Welcome back KB. I think the only one that missed you was me.
# posted by : 9:24 AM
: 9:24 AM
@anon8:53,
What's your problem? Did the women in your family not pay enough attention to you as a child? Well, I'll take care of that right now. Here's a limerick just for you...and them...
Anon's mom called me at home
And propositioned me over the phone
Her idea was quite lewd
Who am I to be rude?
So she gave me a rusty trombone
Have another, cockbite...
Anon's sis went out one night drinkin'
When she hit on me it got me to thinkin'
So after some head
She passed out on the bed
And woke up with a dandy Abe Lincoln
I....hate Ed. Could you get any more lame?
What's your problem? Did the women in your family not pay enough attention to you as a child? Well, I'll take care of that right now. Here's a limerick just for you...and them...
Anon's mom called me at home
And propositioned me over the phone
Her idea was quite lewd
Who am I to be rude?
So she gave me a rusty trombone
Have another, cockbite...
Anon's sis went out one night drinkin'
When she hit on me it got me to thinkin'
So after some head
She passed out on the bed
And woke up with a dandy Abe Lincoln
I....hate Ed. Could you get any more lame?
Mellon Head. When in doubt, vote for the one you'd most like to punch in the face.
# posted by : 9:28 AM
: 9:28 AM
My vote goes to Mellon Head.
Popped-Collar guy suffers b/c his HC simply isn't all that hot. Plus, the multi-popped collar bit has to be a joke, right? RIGHT???
Velvet Helmet is buoyed by a bevy of beauties, but his lack of a douche hand gesture or douche face hurts him IMO.
Mellon Head has the ideal combination of HC and scrote-osity
Popped-Collar guy suffers b/c his HC simply isn't all that hot. Plus, the multi-popped collar bit has to be a joke, right? RIGHT???
Velvet Helmet is buoyed by a bevy of beauties, but his lack of a douche hand gesture or douche face hurts him IMO.
Mellon Head has the ideal combination of HC and scrote-osity
# posted by : 9:46 AM
: 9:46 AM
After vacillating for nearly 10 seconds... I've come to the conclusion that none of these pics/bags deserves to win. I ask you is this not HotChicksWithDouchebags? Where in the hell is the hott? There isn't a single quality hott in any of these offerings. Nary a side or under boob, not a single bikini or camel to be seen. Combine the total lack of hott with the untimely passing of Pumpy and you get a weak (sp) I want to forget about. I vote no confidence this week.
# posted by : 9:49 AM
: 9:49 AM
Mellon Head in a landslide.....
This is not a halloween party.
He did not loose a bet.
And the HC is way out of his league.
Velvet may hav money.
TDWALOPC is a frat prankster.
Mellon head is an absolute choad and his chick is hot.
IMO no other is posing and posturing with such aggresive douchosity as mellon so he should take the prize.
This is not a halloween party.
He did not loose a bet.
And the HC is way out of his league.
Velvet may hav money.
TDWALOPC is a frat prankster.
Mellon head is an absolute choad and his chick is hot.
IMO no other is posing and posturing with such aggresive douchosity as mellon so he should take the prize.
Oh yeah, and I nearly forgot:
Velvet Helmet, you are no Velvet Jones. You aren't even worthy of having "Velvet" as part of your name.
Yeah. So there.
Velvet Helmet, you are no Velvet Jones. You aren't even worthy of having "Velvet" as part of your name.
Yeah. So there.
This scrote looks like a my flacid penis, if it were to have a face. What the hell is wrong in the world, when someone like this is not taken out by natural selection? I would be surprised if he ever had sex without money being part of the equation.
# posted by : 10:17 AM
: 10:17 AM
Of course it must be Melon.
he's ill, he's sic, a straight up fellon!
Look at him hold the cum!
I assure you, that ain't no gum.
And Jimmy Fallon is a fucking prick.
he's ill, he's sic, a straight up fellon!
Look at him hold the cum!
I assure you, that ain't no gum.
And Jimmy Fallon is a fucking prick.
Alright first all, Dude with a Lot of Popped Collars can't even be taken seriously. It's gotta be a joke. I'm going to assume it is because if it isn't then he electron tunnels right through all stages of douche and ends up in the outer deminsions of turd. His young nubile sunshine smile cutie is something to fawn over though.
So who then is a bigger real douche between Velvet Helmet and Stewie Head. Going on all the Hottness alone we must answer Velvet Helmet. That's 6 up and 6 down, all comfirmed bonbons. Then at the apex we get to him and in the classic Roman arch the head stone is always the most important. Velvet Helmet is too busy defying hair gravity and sullying the name of the great Mohican people of the Iroquois nation to be expected to make this arch of hott stand proudly for centuries.
We then move down to Thornton Mellon, and again I see douche pissing in the general direction of Mohawk braves who once hunted for game deep in the Adirondacks to feed their people. Instead my sadness takes over and all thoughts of the People of the Flint hunting Daniel Day Lewis style are dashed. I see hott, with about a 12% grade sloping down her chesty curves and such cherry blossom cheeks, but one of those cheeks is within inches of full-on douche pursed lips, douche flavor-saver chin pubes, douche Armani Exchange shirt, and enough douche aura to push him into an advanced stage of douche.
So who will it be? Either Thornton Mellon or Velvet Helmet could win this, but due to Velvet's amount of hott and the simple elegant beauty of the Roman arch I deem Velvet Helmet HCwDB of the Week.
So who then is a bigger real douche between Velvet Helmet and Stewie Head. Going on all the Hottness alone we must answer Velvet Helmet. That's 6 up and 6 down, all comfirmed bonbons. Then at the apex we get to him and in the classic Roman arch the head stone is always the most important. Velvet Helmet is too busy defying hair gravity and sullying the name of the great Mohican people of the Iroquois nation to be expected to make this arch of hott stand proudly for centuries.
We then move down to Thornton Mellon, and again I see douche pissing in the general direction of Mohawk braves who once hunted for game deep in the Adirondacks to feed their people. Instead my sadness takes over and all thoughts of the People of the Flint hunting Daniel Day Lewis style are dashed. I see hott, with about a 12% grade sloping down her chesty curves and such cherry blossom cheeks, but one of those cheeks is within inches of full-on douche pursed lips, douche flavor-saver chin pubes, douche Armani Exchange shirt, and enough douche aura to push him into an advanced stage of douche.
So who will it be? Either Thornton Mellon or Velvet Helmet could win this, but due to Velvet's amount of hott and the simple elegant beauty of the Roman arch I deem Velvet Helmet HCwDB of the Week.
# posted by : 10:43 AM
: 10:43 AM
So Thorton, you look eerily like the Waxen Choad. So this ups your creepiness to that of vampire creeper. While you may look like the retarded hell-spawn of a donkey and a walrus you will not recieve my vote.
The dude now there's a solid commitment to douchecellence. Touché Dude, who says a one dimensional douche can't take the weekly. Not you.
I have a great halloween costume idea for you. You can go as an even bigger 'bag and and slide on another 4 popped collars. Think about it, it's cheap, efficient, cool, and if you don't hustle it's gonna have to be twelve collars next year. Time is of the essence Dude.
1 Vote Dude.
The dude now there's a solid commitment to douchecellence. Touché Dude, who says a one dimensional douche can't take the weekly. Not you.
I have a great halloween costume idea for you. You can go as an even bigger 'bag and and slide on another 4 popped collars. Think about it, it's cheap, efficient, cool, and if you don't hustle it's gonna have to be twelve collars next year. Time is of the essence Dude.
1 Vote Dude.
Guys, c'mon! Mellon for all the right reasons! Do you guys not see the self-embroidered Greek letters? This is a guy in the Greek system that was allowed to join solely to reach a numbers quota. He has nothing to add to the party. He's the biggest douche of the douches, pure and simple.
You can't give it to popped collar; he's just gay. As for velvet helmet, the guy is a more of a creep with a flare of douche. Do the right thing, vote for the melon.
PS They all sucked compared to last weeks nominees.
You can't give it to popped collar; he's just gay. As for velvet helmet, the guy is a more of a creep with a flare of douche. Do the right thing, vote for the melon.
PS They all sucked compared to last weeks nominees.
@ duke of douchester 11:48:
You can't give it to popped collar; he's just gay.
nobody could have stated that any more bluntly. Kudos.
You can't give it to popped collar; he's just gay.
nobody could have stated that any more bluntly. Kudos.
Thornton Mellon Stewie Head gets my vote even though his girl isn't anywhere near my standards for "hott". but his douchiness makes up for it in a big way. don't get me wrong, she's not ugly at all, but she's no Little Bo Peep either.
It's got to be Thornton Mellon Stewie Head because I hate to say it but he looks like my coworker to the T. They look so alike my coworker won't do the kissy lips because he is afraid we will make fun of him more. That hasn't stopped us so far.
# posted by : 12:02 PM
: 12:02 PM
I don't care what day it is or where or what is going on. There is no excuse for one popped collar, let alone four or five. Dude with a lot of popped collars gets my vote.
# posted by : 12:28 PM
: 12:28 PM
Looks like he's losing in a landslide, but I'm going to have to go with the man with lots of popped collars. Because of all his popped collars.
Dude with popped collars gets my vote. Mellon Head has a certain...alien appeal to him, but right now I'm in the mood for some down to earth suburban douche... What kind of a world do we live in when quadruple popped collars are considered "down to earth". I'm going to go shoot myself.
Popped collars, no question. I can't believe someone in his own family didn't smack him with hammer to keep him from being such a choadwank.
# posted by : 12:53 PM
: 12:53 PM
Definitely popped collar douche. Thornton Mellon looks deformed. And velvet Elvis is just too typical.
It's Thorton Mellon Stewie Head by a faux-hawk.
If not for the endless witty and keen observations above, but also because he expressively has a wad in his mouth and is in the crucial moment of deciding whether to 'spit' or 'swallow.'
And because he's got such cute, pink cheeks.
This guy's the winner. Give him the belt!!
And dammit DB1, where's our selection of t-shirts?!?!??
If not for the endless witty and keen observations above, but also because he expressively has a wad in his mouth and is in the crucial moment of deciding whether to 'spit' or 'swallow.'
And because he's got such cute, pink cheeks.
This guy's the winner. Give him the belt!!
And dammit DB1, where's our selection of t-shirts?!?!??
'Bag hunter t-shirts would be to die for. And to die for i mean to be murdered over, by the Joey Porsche Experience. If only Pumpy were here to protect us from the lips...
Like all things in nature, douche/hott ratios require balance. While I would like nothing more than to use The Velvet Helmet's scrotum for a hackey sack then roll around smearing hot chicks all over my body like Cartman with one million dollars, there is simply too much yin and not enough yang for true HCwDB balance.
The Dude With a Lot of Popped Collars is just kind of sad. Like a cornered weasel, he could turn on you, but he's probably not dangerous if you just leave him alone. The smile on the hott has a "I'm a hostage. Please- for the love of God- help me" vibe to it. It is just the wrong mix.
That leaves us with Thornton Mellon Stewie Head with my vote. If this photo could get a movie rating for what it makes me want to do, it would be NC-17 for graphic violence and gratuitous sex.
The Dude With a Lot of Popped Collars is just kind of sad. Like a cornered weasel, he could turn on you, but he's probably not dangerous if you just leave him alone. The smile on the hott has a "I'm a hostage. Please- for the love of God- help me" vibe to it. It is just the wrong mix.
That leaves us with Thornton Mellon Stewie Head with my vote. If this photo could get a movie rating for what it makes me want to do, it would be NC-17 for graphic violence and gratuitous sex.
Thornton Mellon, cuz He KNOWS he's a douche. He's a confident New Millenium Choad and he swaggers drunkenly in his total wankness, not needing our validation. A winner, nads down.
# posted by : 1:57 PM
: 1:57 PM
http://gawker.com/news/the-record-of-the-times/saturday-night-lives-2007-douchebag-awards-308182.php
A link to the above mentioned SNL skit.......
A link to the above mentioned SNL skit.......
# posted by : 2:26 PM
: 2:26 PM
I respect the Velvet Helmet for his fine head of hair and even finer jacket. He may be douche, but he is so debonaire.
I respect the Dude With a Lot of Popped Collars for his bold confrontation of style. He, like Ricky and other embryonic 'bags, has a long douchey life ahead of them.
I do not respect Thornton Mellon Stewie Head at all. He gets my vote hands-down.
I know I'm supposed to comment on the hot chicks but as a known homosexual that is difficult for me. How about this: Boobies. Boobies. Boobies.
I respect the Dude With a Lot of Popped Collars for his bold confrontation of style. He, like Ricky and other embryonic 'bags, has a long douchey life ahead of them.
I do not respect Thornton Mellon Stewie Head at all. He gets my vote hands-down.
I know I'm supposed to comment on the hot chicks but as a known homosexual that is difficult for me. How about this: Boobies. Boobies. Boobies.
# posted by : 3:08 PM
: 3:08 PM
Dude with the collars. Definitely him. It's like when you go to the State Park and a Park Ranger is standing by the giant tree trunk and he tells you how you can tell how old the tree was by the number of rings. Only in this instance the number of popped collars represents how many years of being dressed by his mom he has left.
# posted by : 3:18 PM
: 3:18 PM
1. Velvet Helmet isn't that much of a douche. His mohawk looks bad and the Hefneresque smoking jacket is dumb, but he is still a good looking guy in spite of those things, which is why the hotts flock to him.
2. Mr. Popped Collar is too pathetic to inspire any rage in me. I almost feel sorry for him.
3. Thornton Mellon, though, wow. His nose is so friggin ugly that it makes me wretch. The pouty lips with the Armani Exchange shirt, and the gay har, and the reddenned cheeks.....gah!!! Nevermind that there is only slight hottitude, this guy satisfies nearly all of the hott/douche requirements by himself.
I therefore vote for contestant #3.
2. Mr. Popped Collar is too pathetic to inspire any rage in me. I almost feel sorry for him.
3. Thornton Mellon, though, wow. His nose is so friggin ugly that it makes me wretch. The pouty lips with the Armani Exchange shirt, and the gay har, and the reddenned cheeks.....gah!!! Nevermind that there is only slight hottitude, this guy satisfies nearly all of the hott/douche requirements by himself.
I therefore vote for contestant #3.
# posted by : 3:34 PM
: 3:34 PM
I can understand how you can put on 4 polo shirts and get all the collars to stand up.
But, I cannot for the life of me, figure out how Stewie Head Thornton Mellon can get his face into such an ugly douche-like quagmire. Vote goes to SHTM.
But, I cannot for the life of me, figure out how Stewie Head Thornton Mellon can get his face into such an ugly douche-like quagmire. Vote goes to SHTM.
# posted by : 3:55 PM
: 3:55 PM
It's got to be #2.
While its true that he lacks some of the now taken for granted aspects of supreme 'bagginess, his shear inventiveness signifies him as true uber-douche. While individuals who claimed to know him testified that his collars were a St Paddy's Day prank, it still begs the question 'why wear so many polo shirts for St. Paddy's Day?' There is only once response -- douche bag.
Although #1 is, in many regards, a quintessential 'bag, he lacks any and all originality, any pizazz, thus relegating him to something less than what is required to be a 'bag of the week.
As far as #3 is concerned, if it wasn't for the A/X T-shirt I'd be utterly convinced he was actually a Sleestack from Land of the Lost. Douche, maybe. Mutant, definitely.
While its true that he lacks some of the now taken for granted aspects of supreme 'bagginess, his shear inventiveness signifies him as true uber-douche. While individuals who claimed to know him testified that his collars were a St Paddy's Day prank, it still begs the question 'why wear so many polo shirts for St. Paddy's Day?' There is only once response -- douche bag.
Although #1 is, in many regards, a quintessential 'bag, he lacks any and all originality, any pizazz, thus relegating him to something less than what is required to be a 'bag of the week.
As far as #3 is concerned, if it wasn't for the A/X T-shirt I'd be utterly convinced he was actually a Sleestack from Land of the Lost. Douche, maybe. Mutant, definitely.
# posted by : 4:46 PM
: 4:46 PM
I'm going to skip the long diatribe about this weeks bags because honestly i'm still drowsy from Canadian thanksgiving dinner.
If you asked me the question - in 5 years when many other scrotes have come and gone from our collective conciousness who will be the one bag from this past week that still sticks out in my mind the answer would inequivically come back "Dude with a Lot of Popped Collars".
If you asked me the question - in 5 years when many other scrotes have come and gone from our collective conciousness who will be the one bag from this past week that still sticks out in my mind the answer would inequivically come back "Dude with a Lot of Popped Collars".
When I first saw the candidates I figured this week's vote wouldn't even be close but it seems to be. I must go with Dude with a Lot of Popped Collars. Pretty much for the same reason as Bagglio mentioned just above me...when I think back over which ones I remember over the past week he comes to mind first. Douche on Collar Boy!
Bill Bellidouchchick
Bill Bellidouchchick
# posted by : 5:10 PM
: 5:10 PM
The Dude With a Lot of Popped Collars, aptly compared to Ricky, I agree, may only be pretending at douchebaggery and can therefore be let off with a warning: Don't forget DWLPC, as Kurt Vonnegut said, you are what you pretend to be.
Mellon Head has some promise. He is standing next to the ridiculously cute, slightly wild looking girl, he has chin-pubes, an A/X shirt and even kissy lips of a kind. However, he appears to be a member of some half-man, half-fish race of aliens, sister species to the hapless Gungans, perhaps, and for all we know, this may simply be how they look. I refuse to chuck an entire species into the 'Bag Bin.
And therefore it must be The Velvet Helmet. First of all, he seems to have taken the time to arrange Tha Ladeez into an ascending pyramid formation, with his egregious douche spike-ridge at the apex. That's just ego-maniacal. Plus, not only does he have the Terri Hatcher Crazy Eyes hottie, but also the dusky, mysterious curly-haired Woman in Black on the left with the perfect lips. His jacket alone should limit him to maybe 1/2-a-hottie per night. Then there is the super-creepy disembodied left hand on the bottom right. What ill omen is this? Yes, Velvet's manner is suave, but his baggery is a grave and gathering storm, to quote our President's speech-writers. He is Bag of the Week.
Mellon Head has some promise. He is standing next to the ridiculously cute, slightly wild looking girl, he has chin-pubes, an A/X shirt and even kissy lips of a kind. However, he appears to be a member of some half-man, half-fish race of aliens, sister species to the hapless Gungans, perhaps, and for all we know, this may simply be how they look. I refuse to chuck an entire species into the 'Bag Bin.
And therefore it must be The Velvet Helmet. First of all, he seems to have taken the time to arrange Tha Ladeez into an ascending pyramid formation, with his egregious douche spike-ridge at the apex. That's just ego-maniacal. Plus, not only does he have the Terri Hatcher Crazy Eyes hottie, but also the dusky, mysterious curly-haired Woman in Black on the left with the perfect lips. His jacket alone should limit him to maybe 1/2-a-hottie per night. Then there is the super-creepy disembodied left hand on the bottom right. What ill omen is this? Yes, Velvet's manner is suave, but his baggery is a grave and gathering storm, to quote our President's speech-writers. He is Bag of the Week.
# posted by : 5:53 PM
: 5:53 PM
Melon Head is it for me this week.
For one person to illuminate the entire apartment, he's more akin to an energy efficient CFL. His hottie can expect to save up to $35.00 per 500 hours of douchetime.
Although the strobe effects can be somewhat irksome if clapping occurs too close to his Melon. The greased finial on top, the on and off schnoz switch, and the too-good-female companion close the deal.
For one person to illuminate the entire apartment, he's more akin to an energy efficient CFL. His hottie can expect to save up to $35.00 per 500 hours of douchetime.
Although the strobe effects can be somewhat irksome if clapping occurs too close to his Melon. The greased finial on top, the on and off schnoz switch, and the too-good-female companion close the deal.
#3, #3, simply for the hotness/douchey contrast. #1 isn't all the douchey if you take away his hair and his velvet jacket. #2 is douchey, but she's cute, not hot......it's #3
# posted by : 9:15 PM
: 9:15 PM
Ok so my vote goes to Mellon Stewie Head simply becuase although he can't really choose what type of face he has, i can still choose to hate it. Oh and that girl is damn fine. AND there's a poncho in the background.
# posted by : 9:26 PM
: 9:26 PM
Im going with the Irish Kid from down under... The Dude With a Lot of Popped Collars. Nothing says "I'm so lucky" than when your wearing five green polo shirts with popped up collars. (Kudos to kellybelly for the "pooped" ref.)
Joke or not, sometimes douches in training deserve a win too. And of all the 8 girls in the pics, only the girl in #3 is hot! Douche on.
Joke or not, sometimes douches in training deserve a win too. And of all the 8 girls in the pics, only the girl in #3 is hot! Douche on.
# posted by : 10:04 PM
: 10:04 PM
#2? Not even close. Stop the pop.
The contest is between Velvet and Stewie. Both have the look, too much pomade in the hair, the requisite hottie(s), but...Stewie has more game with his pseudo-pucker of the lips. It certainly doesn't hurt that the remanents of someone's ball sac residing on his chin put him over the top.
We have a winner, and his name is Thornton Mellon Stewie Head.
The contest is between Velvet and Stewie. Both have the look, too much pomade in the hair, the requisite hottie(s), but...Stewie has more game with his pseudo-pucker of the lips. It certainly doesn't hurt that the remanents of someone's ball sac residing on his chin put him over the top.
We have a winner, and his name is Thornton Mellon Stewie Head.
In honor of Pumpy and in dishonor of these lesser scrotes, I respectfully vote: None of the Above.
# posted by : 1:13 AM
: 1:13 AM
My vote goes to Thornton Mellon Stewie Head, despite the similarities with the Velvet Helmet. Thornton Mellon Stewie Head's soul patch is more fully formed and his hair - while not as tall, perhaps - is much, much greasier.
But it is the differences that give Thornton Mellon Stewie Head the edge. It's the A/X jammies. It's the medallion worn outside said jammie top. It's the cheeks being sucked in as though the photographer caught him with a mouthful of Sour Patch Kids. It is the quality of his hottie versus the quantity of the Velvet Helmet's. The only hotties even remotely approaching the hotness of Thornton Mellon Stewie Head's lucky lady have a hottie buffer between themselves and the velour sport coat.
The Dude With a Lot of Popped Collars doesn't even enter the argument for me. While I do appreciate the architectural feat of having so many collars popped to righteously, I get the feeling the lad is merely a freshman in college trying to find himself after four years of unpopularity as an A/V geek in high school. He's trying too hard, obviously, but it still just looks like a costume rather than a full-blown case of doucheness.
But it is the differences that give Thornton Mellon Stewie Head the edge. It's the A/X jammies. It's the medallion worn outside said jammie top. It's the cheeks being sucked in as though the photographer caught him with a mouthful of Sour Patch Kids. It is the quality of his hottie versus the quantity of the Velvet Helmet's. The only hotties even remotely approaching the hotness of Thornton Mellon Stewie Head's lucky lady have a hottie buffer between themselves and the velour sport coat.
The Dude With a Lot of Popped Collars doesn't even enter the argument for me. While I do appreciate the architectural feat of having so many collars popped to righteously, I get the feeling the lad is merely a freshman in college trying to find himself after four years of unpopularity as an A/V geek in high school. He's trying too hard, obviously, but it still just looks like a costume rather than a full-blown case of doucheness.
# posted by : 4:12 AM
: 4:12 AM
Have to go with the Velvet Jones wanna be. As a matter of fact, he may just be in for the "Douchies" at the end of the year.
# posted by : 4:44 AM
: 4:44 AM
Mellon boy took a severe thrashing on Limerick Wed, so I'm tempted to let him off the hook and go with Velvet because he looks like he'd be a douche. But the fact that I want to take pity on a douche pisses me off....so Mellon Boy gets my vote.
@anon4:04,
You've got to be kidding me! You're actually playing the Holocaust card? On a site that makes fun of douchebags?
Lamo!!!
You've got to be kidding me! You're actually playing the Holocaust card? On a site that makes fun of douchebags?
Lamo!!!
# posted by : 5:17 AM
: 5:17 AM
Anon @ 8:53 - you don't want to mess with ed.
He will donkey kick you 3 zip codes away with his wordslay.
He will donkey kick you 3 zip codes away with his wordslay.
I have to throw my hat in the ring for the velvet helmet. I have never in my life owned a single piece of clothing made of velvet, that alone deserves a baseball bat to the head. The rooster hair is the iceing on the douche cake. Plus he looks like he thinks he's cool, he's wrong
# posted by : 5:33 AM
: 5:33 AM
DB1-since you erased my long response, can I throw in a write in vote for Ed aka Kevin Federdouche?
-managed
-managed
# posted by : 8:48 AM
: 8:48 AM
It's got to be mellon head. Because there was nothing else around me, I had to punch myself when I saw the picture. Anything that creates an urge to kill that powerful in me is almost always HCwDB of the Week worthy. - Douchester28
# posted by : 8:58 AM
: 8:58 AM
This week, we must throw out the hotties becuase quite frankly they aren't hot, and it doesnt help coming in a week after the Yellow Tent Pitching Goddess. My vote goes to Mellon Head or as we all know him as the douched out star in the 80's 'McDonald's Mac Tonight' commercials. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=owhA_sKoKbE
Mac Douche has the same 'please kick my ass' look as that uber douche from '3rd Rock from the Sun' French Stewart.
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0829390/
Yes I made too many references, but trust me on the Mac Tonight, its dead on.
-The Bleethinator
Mac Douche has the same 'please kick my ass' look as that uber douche from '3rd Rock from the Sun' French Stewart.
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0829390/
Yes I made too many references, but trust me on the Mac Tonight, its dead on.
-The Bleethinator
# posted by : 9:19 AM
: 9:19 AM
This is a poor and sad offering for the Weekly.
Yeah, the Helmet has a passle of funbunnies hanging on him, and that Dude has a Lot of Popped Collars. I remember guys with more at the prep school I attended in the Eighties, though. ValStewieKilmerFlushie is absolutely putrid - given - though neither his nor Dude's "hot chicks" make the grade for me at all.
Popped Collars probably deserves a nod for, well, a Lot of Popped Collars. That's memorable. What is more memorable, however, is the loss of one of the all-time greats on the site.
I'd give Pumpy one last Weekly, augment his shrine here, and call it a day.
R.I.P.
Yeah, the Helmet has a passle of funbunnies hanging on him, and that Dude has a Lot of Popped Collars. I remember guys with more at the prep school I attended in the Eighties, though. ValStewieKilmerFlushie is absolutely putrid - given - though neither his nor Dude's "hot chicks" make the grade for me at all.
Popped Collars probably deserves a nod for, well, a Lot of Popped Collars. That's memorable. What is more memorable, however, is the loss of one of the all-time greats on the site.
I'd give Pumpy one last Weekly, augment his shrine here, and call it a day.
R.I.P.
I gotta pop in here and reply, but I've been feeling ill lately, so I'll keep it short.
First, the "Velvet Helmet and Friends" Andy Warhol rock group is college art-student lite. These folks are still "finding" themselves (if you know what I mean in a freaky kind of way). They just didn't realize that college has been over for, like, 2 years. Because, yeah, they graduated from the two-year city school, that's why.
In short, Nico-chicks with a plastic dude, do not a douchebag make.
Second, the Dude of Popped-collar fame looks like one of those giant whole artichokes they used to serve at Maggiano's, drizzled in buttah and gahlick. The timeless facial expression says "Wolverine-meets-American-Werewolf" and yet the beady cross-eyed ocular disability keeps me from taking him seriously. I mean, how can Wolverine attack if he sees two copies of his prey in front of him? I don't buy it. The aggressive staredown is amateur.
I must therefore vote for the Thornton Mellon Stewie Head, because all I gotta say is two words: "proboscis monkey." Google it, and you'll see what I mean.
After some heavy soju, I'm going to bed. Sweet dreams, all!
--the Douche-osopher
First, the "Velvet Helmet and Friends" Andy Warhol rock group is college art-student lite. These folks are still "finding" themselves (if you know what I mean in a freaky kind of way). They just didn't realize that college has been over for, like, 2 years. Because, yeah, they graduated from the two-year city school, that's why.
In short, Nico-chicks with a plastic dude, do not a douchebag make.
Second, the Dude of Popped-collar fame looks like one of those giant whole artichokes they used to serve at Maggiano's, drizzled in buttah and gahlick. The timeless facial expression says "Wolverine-meets-American-Werewolf" and yet the beady cross-eyed ocular disability keeps me from taking him seriously. I mean, how can Wolverine attack if he sees two copies of his prey in front of him? I don't buy it. The aggressive staredown is amateur.
I must therefore vote for the Thornton Mellon Stewie Head, because all I gotta say is two words: "proboscis monkey." Google it, and you'll see what I mean.
After some heavy soju, I'm going to bed. Sweet dreams, all!
--the Douche-osopher
# posted by : 9:51 AM
: 9:51 AM
Gotta vote for Mellon head. I was inclined toward the guy with the four popped collars, though I suspect this was perhaps staged or done for some "ironic" purpose.
Mellon's lip pucker: not your typical "Joey Porche" type pucker. This guy is biting the inside of his cheeks while puckering. Grotesque chin pubes as well.
ES LEBE DOUCHELAND
Mellon's lip pucker: not your typical "Joey Porche" type pucker. This guy is biting the inside of his cheeks while puckering. Grotesque chin pubes as well.
ES LEBE DOUCHELAND
# posted by : 10:13 AM
: 10:13 AM
Popped Collars brings out so much rage in me, that he has to win. I would love to beat the back of his head with a sledge hammer. But doing this would only get me more pissed off as his 10000 collars would block the impact, to the point I would pass out in fatigue with him mocking me in his Polo shirts.
Damn you Popped Collar Douche, Damn you!
Damn you Popped Collar Douche, Damn you!
It's gotta be Dude With a Lot of Popped Collars. Because that just has to be some sort of popped collar world record. It's just so many popped collars. It's a lot of popped collars.
# posted by : 2:34 PM
: 2:34 PM
The Dude with a lot of popped collars takes the weekly in a doucheslide. Could there really be another winner?? As if the collars weren't enough, he has the scrote-wank "I was the starting quaterback on my High School football team" look. Too bad there were only 23 people on the team, and you weren't allowed to play both ways DWLPC. The worst part is that this clown is serious. He's been seen in more than one photo sporting multiple pastel RL Polos with collars skyward. And he's plugging freshman college track girl...no contest.
Vote: DWLPC, he is begging for it.
Vote: DWLPC, he is begging for it.
# posted by : 3:04 PM
: 3:04 PM
Thornton Mellon Stewie Head has perfected Blue Steel. A non-ironic Blue Steel has gotta win every time folks!
Dud with lots of popped colors for the win. He doesn't even have the nads to try for a faux hawk. Just half a tube of gel and he's set. Should have used some of that to tame the unibrow a bit though. The popped collars make me think a cabbage and I suddenly hate cole slaw.Maybe he tried to blend in with the trees to surprise the hottie? I've also got to remember that the next time I wear three shirts, to make sure that they are way to small. Then my biceps will appear to bulge and I'll look like a have a chest. The hottie's not all that but he takes the cake. The other finalists are primo candidates for DB of the week but they can't quite surpass Dude with a lot of popped collars. Sorry guys but I'm sure you'll be posing for plenty more HCwDB photos
The Velvet Helmet: They sure are breedin' good lookin' 'tards these days. Put this clueless wank back on the 'bag short bus and send him home.
The Dude With a Lot of Popped Collars: Beneath his many collars lies -- well, lies, actually. He's a rogue, if you will. A leprechaun among jolly douche giants. He's tricked you into thinking that he's a scrunt with skills. He's no Ricky. Ricky has heart.
Thornton Mellon Stewie Head:
This superior AXbag beginner
Just can't make his douche-face any thinner
Can't you see he's the scrote
That deserves all your votes
Do what's right and proclaim him the winner
The Dude With a Lot of Popped Collars: Beneath his many collars lies -- well, lies, actually. He's a rogue, if you will. A leprechaun among jolly douche giants. He's tricked you into thinking that he's a scrunt with skills. He's no Ricky. Ricky has heart.
Thornton Mellon Stewie Head:
This superior AXbag beginner
Just can't make his douche-face any thinner
Can't you see he's the scrote
That deserves all your votes
Do what's right and proclaim him the winner
Gotta go with Velvet Helmet. Popped collar, is young and is following the crowd. He just thought of something that might be different. Mellon head, while displaying a lot of scroteness, is just another dumb ass college fratboy. However velvet head is obviously older, out of school, and looks like he does because he makes a concious effort, to be as huge of a bag as possible. The other guys do are bags, but simply just to fit in, Velvet wakes up and wanders what he can do to get himself as much attention as possible. Therefore he is by far the greater bag.
# posted by : 2:54 AM
: 2:54 AM
@ pfah 11:13 --
You just know the Proboscis Monkey is a simian douche of the animal kingdom.
Can't only have the "monkey butt" to get the gals, you gotta master the facial expressions, too.
--Douche-osopher
(Gack! ... this cold's gonna kill me, if the choads don't get me first! *snurf*)
Post a Comment
You just know the Proboscis Monkey is a simian douche of the animal kingdom.
Can't only have the "monkey butt" to get the gals, you gotta master the facial expressions, too.
--Douche-osopher
(Gack! ... this cold's gonna kill me, if the choads don't get me first! *snurf*)
# posted by : 4:31 AM
: 4:31 AM << Home
