I say go for it. Douche on. At 19, you have to do whatever it takes to score the hotts. Lie, cheat, steal, whatever. There's surely enough competition out there.

They say that the core of a human's personality is developed in the first 24 months of life. So if you, at 19, are not inherently douchey, I believe you can push the limits towards douchosity a little solely in an effort to reach the hott. You will not be lost forever in Doucheland. You can and will return. It's in your heart.

But for now, chase the hott boobie with all you've got. You only live once. If you can live with yourself, there's no limit to the boobs.
 

Douchigal Son:

The douche within is something everyone goes through. The important thing here is the outward appearance, because, while beauty may be only skin deep, scrotebaggery is deeper than the marianas trench. If you find yourself spiking your hair, wearing crucifixes, wearing the rainbow flag of wrist bands, getting tribal tatts--specifically on the shoulder/arm area, or suppressing the urge to buy a Yankee hat, then you need to go to Rehab, because, sadly, you've become one of them. When you get there, let me know, as I have a flight of F18s on standby with a quiver of AMRAAM missiles, waiting to wipe out the Typhoid Mary of douchology.
Salaam Aleikum,
Danny Noonan
 

I'm afraid I may have to offer some more cautionary advice. While I would never infringe on anyone's ability to chase the boobie as they see fit, being a douche to do it is dangerous. Yes, this young man is 19, so he may recover from douchological explorations, but on the other hand, the douche is seductive, much like the dark side of the force. As Yoda himself said, "Douche, or douche not. There is no try."

And think of it this way: If douching is the addictive equivalent of, say, crystal meth, where does that leave D.S.? I'll tell you where it leaves him: He'll go from a virile, healthy young man to the equivalent of Lindsay Lohan. Do we really want that for one of our own?

Tread lightly, D.S. Very lightly.
 

Douchigal Son,

I reject the developmental hypothesis as an explanation for your behavior. Your emerging adulthood cannot solely account for your startling doucheosity.

I ask you whether there are remnants of douche in your family? Not that observational learning may be operating here. You may be prone to doucheness. To lose your "ness" you may just need to explore psychotherapy and psychotropic medication.

Relax, there is no need to self-medicate on Steel Reserve, Cisco, or Thunderbird. Find a clincian who specializes in the various douche syndromes. And do so quickly. This genetic tendency may be lying latent and is likely to reappear before the 21st birthday.

By no means am I a psychotherapist, but a reformed (and rehabilitated) douchebag.

Best wishes in this challenging time Son.
 

all i know is i would go down on the hott in that pic so fast the roofies i gave her might not have taken effect yet...leading to a very awkward 5 mins until they did
 

at the tender age of 19, a certain amount of douchiness is to be expected. when i was 19, i had bleached blonde spiked hair and various piercings in my face. i still have the pictures to prove it. while there is great shame now for what i once was, it was only temporary.

reading your letter, you seem to be a pretty smart guy. i doubt you will dabble in the douche for very long.

i say embrace it...wear the jesus bling and the popped collars at the club for awhile. grope the hotts...apply the orange body paint. then, after a while, look at yourself in the mirror. if you feel the self-disgust...if you are then ready to tear your labret off...wash that ridiculous orange face paint off...ready to tear off that goddamn jesus chain and throw it into the sea...and walk into the water and wash yourself of all that is douche...then you will know that you are not a douchebag. you will be born again.

go to the darkside for awhile...explore the wrongness. in the words of maynard james keenan, "know your enemy."

then, come back here and mock what you once used to be.
 

My advice to D.S.:

Stand back and watch me speed-hump that daquairi bong the gel-chimp is holding in my futile attempt to sway dental-floss bikini Hott with my turgid oscillation prowess.

Bonus: the bong thingie is see-through. It would look like a tan squid having a seizure in a glass pipe.
 

@bcs

Let's remember, however, that Maynard James Keenan also said:

Venomous voice, tempts me,
Drains me, bleeds me,
Leaves me cracked and empty.

And I think we know the "venomous voice" is douche.
 

@ mr. white

The douches will
Becomes me.
When he speaks out,
He speaks through me.
He has needs
Like I do.
We both want
To bleethe you.
 

douchebaggery is a cross we must all bear. because every single one of us is a scrote sometimes. the douchebag antiaesthetic is so pervasive in our society we all are culpable in its pervasiveness...
the cold comfort one can take is that to be a self-conscious douchebag to see the game not be the game is the only appropriate response. everyone hates taxes and everyone hates the government but we all contribute to the increasing need for taxing and government. douchebagging or the affectation of cultural signifiers to appeal to a lower common denomenator of piss-clam is only avoidable by opting for a luddite existence...
so whats a man to do? you get out there and out douche the douches but with a burning anarchical fury...the real true superscrotes are the only ones who do not see the game for what it is...for them its the only life imaginable for them it really is the one dimensional world. they are the archie bunker type bigots who cannot see their own bigotry...
then once you have conquered the bleets the hotts the hoed out masses yearning to do stripper work outs...then after the cipro, blue nutsack shampoo and possibly valtrex have worn off you kick back wiser willing to face a world only few can truly see...the ones who have chosen yes chosen a spot in the balcony...
for we are entering agreat new age of gatsby where to not be in the party but to watch the party is the highest form of entertainment...
 

"We all will occasionally douche out in service of chasing the thigh-suckle worthy hott. The challenge is to reach a state of awareness."...DB1

The question is are you wearing a white belt when doing so?
 

"White Belt" is the new "Closet Exit".
 

I would advise the kid accordingly:

"In the kingdom of the Blind, the one-eyed man has inferior depth perception and goes around knocking shit over constantly. What an asshole."

I hope this helps.
 

"brah who brought kate hudson's mom to the beach party?"
"shut up dakody she looks hot for having once calvin cooledge"
"do your scaring me...who's calvin cooledge"
"great question man, great question"
 

I hate to say this, but go with it man. You're 19 man, experiment. If the chick dug it, she's a Bleeth. If she slapped you or threw a drink in your face, Go To Her........
 

BAWH, FUHGH! YOUF ASMK MEAN IO SAY GIT UKPKL ONNAT SHEUT AN RUN IT OFT INN KHE FUCKN SLUTS BAKDOAR ANS ASY WHOOP WHOOP REIDE ME COWABYOY! WAHTS WOERNNG WITH YOIU FAIGHET!! SKHEEUT!

FLYHTHEET
 

@The Douchigal Son....you're 19. run with it. obviously, from your letter, you understand yourself. so don't be scared. you're going to be fine.

but keep in mind, the second you walk by a Pacific Sunwear store in the mall and consider purchasing a white belt, you're at the edge. immediately pull back, take a deep breath, walk over to Spencer's Gifts and buy a glow-in-the-dark pocket pussy from the back of the store.

that's the best advice i can give you.

godspeed young man. godspeed.
 

holy shit. FLYHTHEET! welcome back. how's space travel been?
 

by all means use motion lotion with the pocket pussy
 

or warm mayonnaise.
 

DB1, your writing as always, is graceful and beautiful.

I am glad this came up becuase I e-mailed DB1 a while back in a similar situation....albeit not as well written.----it just seems i'm 2-5 years ahead of douche culture (wore a whie belt in 03- haven't seen it since early 04, did the 10 degree hat tilt in 97 when i was a skateboarder)--- and am happy to know that we ALL go through this sort of thing on occasion. and that it'll be ok.

What does being ahead of the douche curve mean? am i proto douche? what the hell is that?

Army of Douche-ness.

p.s. I agree with flyteeth, hit em like a cowboy (whoo whoop) and stop being a fag.
 

Son,

www.ExploreHumanity.com

Enjoy.
 

I believe Freud said that 19 is one of primary formative years for young douchebags.

I'll offer you my .02 on the subject. Get out while your skin still retains a natural pigment (see the brick for reference), get out while your lips are not permanently pursed (see JP for reference), get out while your abs still resemble something you might see on a human (see ab lobster for disgusting reference). In short just get out, turn away from the life of the douche. Hotts can still be had without the grease, hand gestures and posturing (see pfah's hot wife). It's not too late for you save yourself from the lifelong lifestyle obsession, nothing is more pathetic than a 50 year old douchebag hanging at clubs still trying to punch 18 year old kitty. It's never too late to turn back so do yourself and the world a favor.
 

I'd poke her
 

she takes it deep..unfortunately he cannot accomodate..what's with the entire deck of wrist bands? Is this douche saving each one so everyone knows that his Iowa fake ID that he got from his slow cousin Chip actually works?
 

@ anon 9:13

bro. As a skateboarder still, since 1985, I would have smacked the 10-degree tilt off your head on general principal. Thank you to contributing to the downfall of skateboarding in the 90s. You helped embarrass us all.
 

hahaha its vadim mordovin from syracuse, ny!
 

oh, and the douche in that picture COULD NOT POSSIBLY write that letter...

and by the way i just submitted an even douchier picture of him... hopefully it gets posted soon.
 

For female readers, the urge to bump-n-grind like rhesus monkeys on crack occasionally overtakes even the shrewdest of hotties in the presence of a greased up and shaved douche-chest.

Ew, no. No it doesn't. Never.
 

Hang in there Douchigal son
Listen to the words of DB1
Be self-aware,
Actually care,
And wear a condom when out having fun.
 

Ah, DB1, you old postmodernist. No stomach for the real work of REVOLUTION that must be done, to overthrow the Kingdom of Image and all its douchey paladins! To engage in direct combat with this system can make us, the wretched, hottless of the Earth*, into New Revolutionary Men, capable of remaking society into something where Axe Bodyspray, white belts, and Marks of the 'Bag are never seen again, and the hott gravitates towards the good and great rather than to the scrotey. Thank you, Dr. Fanon!

* Yes, yes, I know, you're all actually really successful people with full lives and hot girlfriends/wives. Well, I'm not, and I bet most of the people who read this site, including some claiming non-loser status, aren't as well.
 

Rubber Douchey-

If you think that Josh Kalis, Stevie Williams, and Ronnie Creager were contributing to the downfall of skateboarding in the 90's as opposed to bringing it to a new level and even help legitimize it, then I think you're a fucking retard... have fun watching Video Days...also, Mike Vallely is probably with me on this one.

Moron.