damn she's hot
 

His hair makes the Exxon Valdez spill look like a Christmas gift to wildlife everywhere. So fucking glad I'm downwind from this oil slick.

Go H-Town! And by go I mean melt back in to fucking Mexico you fucking cesspool.
 

By night, Tony Marino, by day, the Bayone Jiffy Lube's employee of the week. That's the first shirt he's had on all day that didn't have "Vic" above the pocket.
 

I had no idea a goateed, drunken Mark DeCarlo made the scene in Dallas' teeming and vivacious nightlife. That last part about teeming and vivacious was sarcasm, for those of you who know Dallas.
 

L.A. isn't part of the "five"?

Really?

Anyway, this woman is FINE. This guy loves the movie 'Grease'.
 

From a Texan, I would expect epic cleavage, so I'm disappointed on that. Still, I would fire on her grassy knoll.
 

And he is Jackoff Ruby.
 

Damn that girl is so my type. I want to crawl thru my screen and perform a douchectomy on her. She could be so much hotter without the turdburglar stumbling all over her.
 

I think this is backstage at a douche version of Dancing With The Stars.
 

Upon further review...why is the d-bag's ches pink but his face strangely pale? And I see he's had a third eyebrow transplanted below his lip.
 

That girl is so very hot. I could spend a day just straightening her part.

Him I'd like to douse in Ronsonol and have him warm the patio on cool nights.
 

kinda looks like Danny Bonadouchie
 

Gentlemen, please have standards. It looks like she washed her hair in my Mexican grandma's dishwater. I even think I spy a crumb of tamale near the top of her unkempt hair. Unkempt, as in, blowdried it on a motorcycle, then combed it with a sand trap rake.

But then again, even if you dress a beggar up, he still can't be a chooser. At least he has plenty of lube for later streaming from his scalp.

Kinda mean, I know, but I'm callin what I see and it's been a terrible day at work.
 

Oldbag's up way past his bedtime. Must be past ten.

Either that, or the weight of the hair gel is compacting his spine.

She's his naughty, naughty niece.
 

Is the douche the bartender or the bouncer?
 

It's Barry Manilow's grease-child. Please don't blame Texas... with Charo as a mother and a gay man as an absentee father, poor BJ, Barry Junior, never had a shot.

I like sweaty chick's smile. Are they at a funeral?

At the Copa, Copa cabaaaaaaana...
 

Dallas is maybe my least favorite city in the world. I spent a month there one weekend. It's a bleak, dusty nightmare with some of the world's most hideous architecture. Dallas is where bad chain restaurants go to die.
 

Is he wearing a salmon-colored undershirt or are we seeing ugly sagging douchy chest flesh?

Eyyyyewwwwwwww ..........
 

Vegas is not a Grieco virus nexus point. It's where the bags go on vacation. It is from there that the virus spread nation-wide.

Lessee...all the bags go there at least once in their lives...it is literally the Mecca of the Scrotamic religion.
 

Daddy/daughter night
at EL Douche saloon.
 

if eric bogdosian was ever blasted out of new york city took up residence in texas ans assimilated with the urban cowboy shirt, the under lip razor slip, the i cant believe its for men hair dye, the super cuts style...he might be this guy...
hott i like sure the eye-lash thing is bleethed and those front buttons would get annoying...but fiesty b cups and brunettes are two of my favorite things...her hair may be a mess but wouldn't it be at some point anyway? just saying
 

What kind of guy wakes up, looks at himself in the mirror and decides "Today, I have decided my mouth needs a half-brazilian"...?
Bedroom-eyed shmoozers that walk around with their shirts open like that should have a sign stapled to their cranium that says "I am a walking STD salad"
I'm strangely hypnotized by those bedroom eyes... must. look. away...
 

sorry but Dallas and Chicago do not belong in the FIVE. Los Angeles and Philadelphia are far more deserving. And stuporfly, you couldn't be more wrong. Dallas is not dusty (especially compared to the other big cities in Texas). Also, the more prominent buildings in Dallas were designed by world-renowned architects (e.g. I.M. Pei's fountain tower). Plus, the chain restaurants are thriving, but thanks for your concern

Sincerely,
Brian S.
 

dallas the fake town of plastic tits she got left out
 

i love her!

idouchebag
 

This guy looks like one of the backstreet boys on Steroids...i think his name was Chip or Rory or Scooter or Fuck I don't know..just pick the gayest one and inject HGH into his ass and you have this superdouche extraordinaire...this girl looks like she doesn't wipe very well and gets nuggest stuck on her underwear often
 

werent dildos just outlawed in texas?
 

do note- Dallas bags continue to amaze me in their ability to always verbally express their worth in dollar value. "I make 100,000 but totally should be making 120,000" is more commonly heard in Dallas than any other douche zone.

The gator will easily rattle off his net worth without blinking an eye. Such douches are just that- Hotts beware.

Meanwhile DB1 can barely afford his 'Train and HoHo diet- he will be charging admission at his book signing.
 

Steve Vai's seedier older brother is offensive to the eye. That is well-established. His "indecency with a minor" leer is duly noted. His neice clinging to him in what she hopes to be a platonic gesture is touching, yet creepy.
The point is this:
Dallas is the sweaty, wrinkled & pimply scrotum beneath Fort Worth's thrusting, yet engorged manhood.




I live in Fort Worth. Dallas is a douche-magnet.
 

*points n laffs @ Tex-on-Tex shot across the bow*

thats like saying "my turd smells better than your turd"

classic!
 

Brian S. - Please don't tell me that you're the Brian that I work with...who's from Texas and now lives in Illinois...

Anyway, Chicago does belong on the list; Crustacean and Fish Slap are oozing around in the area. I cannot speak for Dallas, though.
 

I think Brian S. is the nerd version of a Scrote -- just wandering along trying to mimic others and spouting something that might get him some validation. Too bad he gets his validation from a city. Fella, when you don't get it, don't try to play.

I like the idea of following BJ's thought process as he prepares for the night: shave everything except this cool little spot, add just a touch more grease, choose shirt, choose how many buttons matter today, apply bling, grab one last bong hit, start groping.
 

I went to Dallas once on a business trip. I spent most of the trip doing blow in a strip club. I'm never going back to Dallas.
 

Dallas smells like freon. I bet she smells like cotton candy.
 

'Neck on 'Neck violence

Texans: Texas doesn't slide into the Gulf of Mexico because... Oklahoma Sucks.

Oklahoma: Here I sit, buns a flexin' giving birth to another Texan.
 

Brian S. is correct. At one point I did go check out some IM Pei architecture...pretty sweet.

From the look on this guy's face, he just sharted. Yea, he definately sharted.
 

Ah, D-Town. Home of big greasy hair, obnoxious look-at-me costume jewelry (apparently dressing like Paul Shaeffer or the most obnoxious realtor you've ever met is persistently en vogue), and selfish generally awful people. It's almost exactly like Jersey, just with a different accent and more pickup trucks.

She is absolutely adorable, but in my experience Dallas girls are only interested in the car you drive and how much disposable income you have. If you have both, they can make for a good time (yay me!), but I wouldn't recommend getting attached. Or going bareback, for that matter.
 

That guy could pass for normal Dallas style, however, his shirt is unbuttoned giving him away.
 

He is the love child of
Micheal Richards and Mencina.
Bet me thats a Avon Winter Catalog 07'Arrowhead Medallion page 14 around his Texaco basted neckage.
I would make a fine Drop off to her book depository.
Brian S. Dallas is a southern version of Toledo with only a few more necks.
 

Hey Hott, Middle School called, they want their tits back.
But she is cute.
That is one greasy 'bag, and he has a thumb growing out of his ear, that is creepy.
 

I'll toss yet another celeb reference out there: This guy looks like Serj Tankian's retarded half-brother.

I believe that you're wrong!
Insinuating Dallas is the bomb!
Clearing the way for the douchey brigade!
Clearing the way for the douchey brigade!
 

dallas- home of the $30,000 millionaire. Got to love credit card debt.
 

Heartbeat.
I'd do her in one.
 

This reminds me, I'd been thinking David Copperfield should be the recipient of an Honorary Douche/Lifetime Achievement award.
 

Ok, so I live in Dallas. Born and raised here. A few things to clear up. No one calls Dallas D-town. There is fantastic architecture here. Pei, Lloyd Wright, Philip Jonhson, Richard Meier, just to name a few. Strip clubs are some of the best in the country (basically brothels). Finally, Dallas is a total douche magnet. There are loads of 30,000 millionaires here. Its outta control. But does it rank in the top five? Definitley.
 

As someone who grew up in Dallas I'll happily confirm all the fake boob, giant hair, gold digger stereotypes. Stereotypes exist for a reason folks and Dallas is loaded with 'bags.

Brian S. - bragging how well the chain restaurants are doing isn't helping your argument, son. Yes, Dallas has a few nice buildings designed by prominent architects but the suburban sprawl and cookie cutter neighborhoods north of LBJ and the soulless people who inhabit them are stupifyingly monotone.

Wow! Michael Imperioli looks like he's fallen on rough times since the Sopranos ended.
 

All of the negative steriotypes about Dallas are true. It's a nice place, but I wouldn't want to 'bag there!
 

1. That is his vibrant, hairless pink chest.

2. He looks like he's already rubbed half his grease off on her head.

3. Buckhead, Atlanta. That is all.
 

We call them Thousandaires, and those dudes rock it. Blinged out golf bags, executive club cards at Costco, wives with the french manicure. They compete over who has the biggest stroller for their 7 year old.