Saturday, February 16, 2008
The Tao of Oates
Oates in not a douchebag.
Oates is the yin, the yang and the chakra to our collective Kaballah. Oates is the private to our eyes. The no to our can do.
Oates dances the mustache dance for all of our collective Freudian nightmares and Jungian sins.
Oates rocks the retro with grace and wit. Oates rebounds on the dance floor. And within Oates's style, his ballet, his poetry, we find the shards of ideological purity.
Oates washes our souls of sin. Oates is our ritual purge. Our mikvah bath. Our Mississippi river baptism.
Do not doubt The Tao of Oates. For Oates is not just the key to spiritual enlightenment due to his second-banana 1980s rock star iconic forgottenness. With a fantastic 'stache. Oates is the "other" by which we define ourselves. The projection of the schism within all of our psyches.
Oates is the unknowable. The ethereal. The corporeal embodiment of our deepest darkest fears onto that which we normally fail to comprehend. That which we deny to ourselves.
Oates fractures our false construct. All through the power of one single, iconic, 1980s moustache. For Oates is not Hall. Oates is Oates.
Oates is more than Garfunkel. Oates is more than Ridgely or either of those guys we can't remember from Tears for Fears.
Oates is liminality. Ambiguity.
Oates exists not as fixed polarity, but as conceptual dialectic. Oates is neither background musician, nor foreground solo artist. He is neither star nor chorus.
Oates is between the stage and the audience. The light and the dark.
Oates challenges the entire paradigm of binary either/ors that we use to construct narratives to define ourselves and our world.
A false construction that needs Oates to reveal its falsity. That needs that 'stache to reveal the higher truth.
The Oates in the Machine.
No, Oates is most certainly not a douchebag.
For Oates is us.
# posted by Douchebag1 @ 1:04 PM 
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Astrophysically, Oates is dark matter. That which is unseen, but permeates our entire existence. That which binds the universe, like the Force, and gives the universe substance and weight. That which is the unknown and missing variable to the equation of all life. That which makes up all of us more than we will ever know.
# posted by 
: 11:09 AM
: 11:09 AM 
man you are forgetting the solo brilliance that was oates 2002 opus
phunk shui...truly a master blending of body spray,scents inspired by uninspired women, and the arrangement of douchebags and bleethes by prevalent body odor diaguiser so as to achieve harmonious citrus essences without conflicting the wild berry and rainforest mountain influences and maintaining room for spice infusions for those whose primary lifes doctrine is eat me...
phunk shui...truly a master blending of body spray,scents inspired by uninspired women, and the arrangement of douchebags and bleethes by prevalent body odor diaguiser so as to achieve harmonious citrus essences without conflicting the wild berry and rainforest mountain influences and maintaining room for spice infusions for those whose primary lifes doctrine is eat me...
# posted by : 11:39 AM
: 11:39 AM
It's true. What I've got's full stock of thoughts and dreams that scatter. But Oates pulls them all together.
And how? I can't explain.
And how? I can't explain.
Hall and Oates was the first live band I ever saw, true story, on tour opening for E.L.O.
It made me what I am today.
Take that as you will.
No one, NO ONE, could rock such a mustache and still be straight. Other than of course Chuck Norris, but we will not speak of Him here.
It made me what I am today.
Take that as you will.
No one, NO ONE, could rock such a mustache and still be straight. Other than of course Chuck Norris, but we will not speak of Him here.
Why does Oates look like a ventriloquist's doll? Seriously, I don't mean to be bashing his Tao, but he looks like he should have Pinocchio as his band mate.
Or, with that grin, that he's got him in his ass...
Sorry to pee on the parade.
Or, with that grin, that he's got him in his ass...
Sorry to pee on the parade.
# posted by : 1:53 PM
: 1:53 PM
Saturday Haiku, now this....DB1 is on an airplane glue bender. Expect the site to go down for a few days. Huff on, good sir.
# posted by : 2:38 PM
: 2:38 PM
Oates, who in this particular image looks like Anthony Kiedis's estranged Dad, is the devining rod of America; the spiritual eyes of the nation, if you will. Hall is the left nostril.
If the eyes are the windows of the soul, then nipples are the peepholes into the lungs.
And the butthole is like the garage. Because garages are always full of shit. Mine is. My garage, I mean.
And the urethra is the garden hose. My garden hose is long enough to water the neighbor's lawn, if you know what I mean. And it often does.
If the eyes are the windows of the soul, then nipples are the peepholes into the lungs.
And the butthole is like the garage. Because garages are always full of shit. Mine is. My garage, I mean.
And the urethra is the garden hose. My garden hose is long enough to water the neighbor's lawn, if you know what I mean. And it often does.
# posted by : 4:23 PM
: 4:23 PM
First off, let me say, fuck Hall. That talentless POS has been riding John Oates' coattails for far too long. John Oates has taught me so much, never to Hold Back my Love, how to be careful for Private Eyes and to watch out for the Maneater (man how many times has that saved my life?)
More importantly though, though we are all one with Oates, I can't help but feel that this is the perfect opportunity to bring up the douche of douches, Peter Cetera from Chicago. Number one, the man is straight up frightening. Number two, he is responsible for songs that make Air Supply sound like Megadeth. Thirdly, he has sung songs with not only Cher, but also Helen from Wings, and all with a straight face.
So as much as Oates encapsulates all that is good and pure with the world, so must there be an equal and opposite evil; it's the only way that worlds don't collide. As such let us not only Enjoy the Silence, but remember, somewhere out there, Peter Cetera is destroying the world.
More importantly though, though we are all one with Oates, I can't help but feel that this is the perfect opportunity to bring up the douche of douches, Peter Cetera from Chicago. Number one, the man is straight up frightening. Number two, he is responsible for songs that make Air Supply sound like Megadeth. Thirdly, he has sung songs with not only Cher, but also Helen from Wings, and all with a straight face.
So as much as Oates encapsulates all that is good and pure with the world, so must there be an equal and opposite evil; it's the only way that worlds don't collide. As such let us not only Enjoy the Silence, but remember, somewhere out there, Peter Cetera is destroying the world.
quixote cmon in one of the karate kids he had that song about i am a man who would fight for your honor i'll be the hero that you're dreaming of we'll live forever knowing that we did it all for the glory of love..
if that doesn't make you want to kick the shit out of somebody nothing on earth will...
douchiest band ever is styx...
when losers from hr stand there at the ribfest blubbering along to babe...man thats douchier than vanilla ice
if that doesn't make you want to kick the shit out of somebody nothing on earth will...
douchiest band ever is styx...
when losers from hr stand there at the ribfest blubbering along to babe...man thats douchier than vanilla ice
# posted by : 7:28 PM
: 7:28 PM
Ok, I have read a lot of horrible things on this site, things that have angered me, made me sad, etc. However, calling Styx the douchiest band ever is crossing the line my friend. Them's fighting words. Much like the douches on this site, we must separate the original from the imitators. There is nobody like Joseph Porsche, however there are those who will imitate. So to put down Styx because of the people who sing it, I don't care for that (though I will agree that Lady does suck).
Now, if we're going to discuss douchiest bands of all time (or bands that matter, so no "Crazy Town" kind of bands) - and really that is a whole separate conversation - but it begins and ends with Air Supply. For they are the alpha and the omega. When 1/3 of the songs on your greatest hits have the name "Love" in them, you're scraping the bottom of the barrel.
So let there be no more Styx bashing (nor REO Speedwagon, Foreginer, etc.). And I swear to god and/or gods that if anyone even dares to mention Journey, it will be fisticuffs, a donnybrook and MAYBE even a throwing of hands. For Separate Ways is the best song ever, and Steve Perry is a god.
Now, if we're going to discuss douchiest bands of all time (or bands that matter, so no "Crazy Town" kind of bands) - and really that is a whole separate conversation - but it begins and ends with Air Supply. For they are the alpha and the omega. When 1/3 of the songs on your greatest hits have the name "Love" in them, you're scraping the bottom of the barrel.
So let there be no more Styx bashing (nor REO Speedwagon, Foreginer, etc.). And I swear to god and/or gods that if anyone even dares to mention Journey, it will be fisticuffs, a donnybrook and MAYBE even a throwing of hands. For Separate Ways is the best song ever, and Steve Perry is a god.
Sorry, DB1, but for the first time ever I must disagree with you; Oates flies Douche Force One every day and every night of his existance.
# posted by : 8:07 PM
: 8:07 PM
quixote i'm sure that star studded line up of cassettes kept your camaro bitchin and in command of the high school parking lots well into your 20s so i will give them a pass...
the discussion must also exclude bands with indie roots like phish rem pavement and barenaked ladies because getting laid by a chick who would be impressed by one's ability to sing along would surely be a pyrrhic victory...
so i do submit a partial list of bands that i feel capture the esprit douche
mr big, steve miller,blink 182,green day,whitesnake,doobie brothers,inxs,hootie and the blowfish,matchbox 20,creed
i hold the douches to be self evident, that allthese bands and others were created douche and were endowed with little creativity,in order to perform a more perfect soundtrack
the discussion must also exclude bands with indie roots like phish rem pavement and barenaked ladies because getting laid by a chick who would be impressed by one's ability to sing along would surely be a pyrrhic victory...
so i do submit a partial list of bands that i feel capture the esprit douche
mr big, steve miller,blink 182,green day,whitesnake,doobie brothers,inxs,hootie and the blowfish,matchbox 20,creed
i hold the douches to be self evident, that allthese bands and others were created douche and were endowed with little creativity,in order to perform a more perfect soundtrack
# posted by : 9:42 PM
: 9:42 PM
Douche Quixote, what? No 10cc ? You are right about Air Supply but I'm sure you forgot 10cc only because you went into a temporary coma while thinking of Peter Cetera. He is truly some kind of hellish douche Godzilla stalking the pop music world. The Horror, The Horror! Let's hope the government can confine him to either Atlantic City or Vegas, for the sake of the children of course.
# posted by : 10:16 PM
: 10:16 PM
As I said, in reality, there could be a site called "Douche Bands" or even a post that discusses the douchiest bands ever. There were some valid entries mentioned, 10CC is certainly up there, however, as with homosexual gentlemen, hair bands are their own level of douche, and so we could debate for hours the merits of Warrant, RATT, Quiet Riot, etc. Also, Blink 182 were friends of mine growing up, so I'm going to respectfully remove myself from that discussion.
However, the larger point is this, while one can point to everyday douchebags, there is a large subset of musicians who rock with the power of scrote. To nail it down to one band is nearly impossible, and if anyone can, they are a better man than I, and since that's physically impossible, we're going to have to call it a draw. So we must just understand that douche exists in all walks of life, musicians are not immune. By that token, hott exists in all walks of life, reference Susannah Hoffs from the Bangles.
So if I can, I will leave you with this thought, there are people out there like Gerardo, Billy Ray Cyrus (and his progeny) and Kid Rock (his appearance in Joe Dirt not withstanding). We must stay vigilant my brothers and sisters, for even right now, Richard Marx might be composing new music, so stay strong, the fight is not yet lost... unless a new AFI CD comes out, in which case, we're fucked.
However, the larger point is this, while one can point to everyday douchebags, there is a large subset of musicians who rock with the power of scrote. To nail it down to one band is nearly impossible, and if anyone can, they are a better man than I, and since that's physically impossible, we're going to have to call it a draw. So we must just understand that douche exists in all walks of life, musicians are not immune. By that token, hott exists in all walks of life, reference Susannah Hoffs from the Bangles.
So if I can, I will leave you with this thought, there are people out there like Gerardo, Billy Ray Cyrus (and his progeny) and Kid Rock (his appearance in Joe Dirt not withstanding). We must stay vigilant my brothers and sisters, for even right now, Richard Marx might be composing new music, so stay strong, the fight is not yet lost... unless a new AFI CD comes out, in which case, we're fucked.
private eyes are douching you theyre douching your every move uh huh *clapclap*
holly douchelightly
holly douchelightly
# posted by : 11:46 PM
: 11:46 PM
Please remove the Doobie Brothers from the list, I'm cool with the rest. Thank you.
# posted by : 12:03 AM
: 12:03 AM
Please add The Cult, The Cure, and above all, the Red Hot Chili Peppers whether you like a song or two or not. Thank you.
# posted by : 12:05 AM
: 12:05 AM
it's just creed all the way for uber-douche band... even through my slightly intoxicated rum-logic, I can still divine this truth: if you ever get sued by your own fans for putting on a concert so shitty that people felt they should file a class action suit against you to get back their $42.50, then you're a huge freaking douche.
# posted by : 3:23 AM
: 3:23 AM
Sorry to break this to you....
Oates died years ago and was replaced with the luv child of Richard Simmons and Leo Sayers. This is the horrible facts.
Also...5 Miles out and Family Man from Hall and Oates 1981 USO Tour rocked on so many levels. I was in Gitmo and witnessed it as they opened for the Clogging Walenda's.
Oates died years ago and was replaced with the luv child of Richard Simmons and Leo Sayers. This is the horrible facts.
Also...5 Miles out and Family Man from Hall and Oates 1981 USO Tour rocked on so many levels. I was in Gitmo and witnessed it as they opened for the Clogging Walenda's.
# posted by : 4:29 AM
: 4:29 AM
quixote i agree...much as this site is about mocking the affectations of others...its also about the journey to the center of the douche(ted nugent and the amboy douches)within...my music collection is frought with douchery so vile and heinous that to list it here would be obscene(brit-pop) to name a genre...thus we get back to the tao of oates
# posted by : 5:06 AM
: 5:06 AM
this guy's hair is awesome..combined with that jacket and he is one of my heroes
# posted by : 9:45 AM
: 9:45 AM
Alabama Poopsicle, actually. Or Mississippi Mud Plug.
My doctor told me that Oates reduces cholesterol.
My doctor told me that Oates reduces cholesterol.
i gotta wonder how much of oates expression is due to plastic surgery...i mean would you be that excited if this broad(cant say hott)were touching you?
# posted by : 10:59 AM
: 10:59 AM
Your Dr. is a Quaker? I guess then, maybe, that means that Wilford Brimley reduces cholesterol.
And helps you get low cost dia-beetus medicine from Liberty.
And helps you get low cost dia-beetus medicine from Liberty.
# posted by : 11:38 AM
: 11:38 AM
Wilford Brimley must reduce cholesterol by absorbing it. Great idea, Quaker Oats: make your health food pitch man an old dude shaped like a Volkswagon.
I wonder how many fish Liberty Mutual had to throw into his maw so he'd shill their scam? Coo-Coo Ka-Choo.
I wonder how many fish Liberty Mutual had to throw into his maw so he'd shill their scam? Coo-Coo Ka-Choo.
can't blame wilford brimley for the liberty mutual thing...it was a crushing blow losing the enzyte gig at the last minute...and even the girls gone wild people thought he would be too creepy
# posted by : 6:58 PM
: 6:58 PM
Newman's:
Yes, poor Wilford is now living out his last days in San Francisco on a rock next to Fisherman's Wharf, barking for fish from tourists.
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Yes, poor Wilford is now living out his last days in San Francisco on a rock next to Fisherman's Wharf, barking for fish from tourists.
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