Saturday, June 07, 2008
Why Dane Cook is a Huge Bag of Douche
By now, pretty much everyone knows Dane Cook is a huge douche.
But how many people have explained exactly why is Dane Cook a huge bag of douche?
That is the question.
Here is a media concocted pseudo-comedian with less talent than a stuttering Screech and whiter teeth than Tony Robbins bursting onto the scene in one giant toxic swirl of unfunny. Then, in no time, amplifying from 0 to 60 up the multimedia stratus of accomplishment in a blazing hail of lame frat jokes and physical hand gestures.
Headlining tour. HBO special. Late night appearances. Each media outlet carefully built to feed off the others, package together, and launch "Dane Cook" into the mass consciousness as the next "comedy superstar."
We were told we liked him. We were told other people liked him. Which meant we must like him, too. Because they liked him. And they are we.
Only unlike the organic and legit accomplishment of, say, the talented Steve Carrell, who actually earned his place at the top by being funny, Cook's force-fed limelight down all of our collective throats has caused the collective regurgitating response. The clarion call to focus all this noise around something, anything real: A begging we are all making of his sorry, generic ass: DO SOMETHING REAL.
Say something authentic. Express a genuine emotion. Have an opinion. Offer a joke that actually might piss someone off.
Because simply being unfunny isn't enough of an offense by Cook. If simply being "unfunny "meant you were a douche, mid 1990s Robin Williams would've grown a rubber bag out of his ass and cleansed women's private hoohoos from here to Bangledesh.
Which, come to think of it, may have actually happened.
No, what makes Dane Cook a huge douche is his carefully softened "injury free" safe ride of genericism. His media constructed "regular guy" persona. His genericized jokes of pure pablum, meant to vaguely invoke nostalgic memories of your drunk college best friend while carefully designed to offend absolutely no one.
Cook is the sackless tamper-proof Hollywood creation of genericized un-humor sold as pseudo-humor and operating as placebo effect. An opinion-free puddle of blandified "good looks" carefully designed and set up to sell across multiple medium platforms. Dane Cook isn't a human being, he's a focus tested brand. A career built soft-drink. Selling out every ounce of originality in the hope of suckling from the mass processed cookie cutter rewards offered by the 24/7 media age.
I'm not saying every comedian has to take on the edge of genius that the late, great Bill Hicks and brilliant Mitch Hedberg brought on stage with them. Jerry Seinfeld isn't exactly cutting edge, but no one's calling Jerry Seinfeld a huge douche.
Because Seinfeld was who he was.
Dane Cook wouldn't know what he was if you asked him to look for it. The self has no place when the image transcends all, and the rewards justify the vacuity.
Dane Cook is a focus tested girl scout cookie. A packaged "best friend drinking buddy" for guys, "sweet former boyfriend who listens and cares" for girls. He has one and only one role in his theater of the self -- ingratiate all, offend none. The "superfinger" his carefully constructed "naughty" bit to extend just to the margins of PG-13 ratings. Just enough to earn his "cred," before Cook runs off to above-the-title the next Jessica Simpson uncomedy.
For that, and those stupid-ass hairdos, you, Dane Cook, are elevated into the pantheon of celebridouche.
Now get off the stage, assface.
# posted by Douchebag1 @ 8:08 AM 
Comments:
Incredibly well put all around. I get into arguments with people about his lack of funniness on occassion, now I will just hand them a printed copy of your rant. If chicks didn't think he was hot, he'd have no career. Uber-douche to say the least!
Damn DB1, did Cook steal your milk money in 3rd grade? There's just a little too much venom for guy plain, white bread, milquetoast dipshit such as Cook whose 15 minutes are 15 seconds from expiring.
Then again, what do I know. I'm not wearing any pants!
Then again, what do I know. I'm not wearing any pants!
# posted by 
: 8:35 AM
: 8:35 AM
Well said DB1. Dane Cook isn't funny AT ALL. I almost stabbed myself watching those ads of his during the MLB playoffs last year.
# posted by : 9:19 AM
: 9:19 AM
BUT DB1?!
Didn't you see Dan in Real Life?
Steve Carrell was in it with Dane Cook.
Dane played the "funny, good looking, womanizing brother who finds "love" only to hilariously lose love and go back to his fun loving womanizing self" Mitch. It was oscar worthy.
And by oscar worthy I mean I turned the shit fest off the second Cook walked into the movie and then I slapped my wife for saying "he's cute".
Carrell should be punished by having to rub preparation H on Cook's love handles for participating in such a misadvertised "Wedding Planneresque" tampon fest.
Alba should be punished by having to crap on a glass topped table while I lay underneath it.
Didn't you see Dan in Real Life?
Steve Carrell was in it with Dane Cook.
Dane played the "funny, good looking, womanizing brother who finds "love" only to hilariously lose love and go back to his fun loving womanizing self" Mitch. It was oscar worthy.
And by oscar worthy I mean I turned the shit fest off the second Cook walked into the movie and then I slapped my wife for saying "he's cute".
Carrell should be punished by having to rub preparation H on Cook's love handles for participating in such a misadvertised "Wedding Planneresque" tampon fest.
Alba should be punished by having to crap on a glass topped table while I lay underneath it.
i caught his latest special on comedy central. thought i'd give it a go and see if he could make me laugh.
nope.
i was actually stunned at how focus-grouped his comedy was/is. DB1, you have once again gotten to the heart of things.
dane cook should go away.
and by go away, i mean feed hinself into a woodchipper.
nope.
i was actually stunned at how focus-grouped his comedy was/is. DB1, you have once again gotten to the heart of things.
dane cook should go away.
and by go away, i mean feed hinself into a woodchipper.
Very poorly executed.
You say that Dane Cook isn't a douche simply because you don't find him funny, then as proof you basically say "it's really because....I don't find him funny."
Besides the fact that you're wrong, he is actually funny, you're also wrong because Dane brings an energy to his act that few people do.
I suspect you've made this judgment without actually seeing a Dane Cook concert. If that is true, then you're a douche.
You say that Dane Cook isn't a douche simply because you don't find him funny, then as proof you basically say "it's really because....I don't find him funny."
Besides the fact that you're wrong, he is actually funny, you're also wrong because Dane brings an energy to his act that few people do.
I suspect you've made this judgment without actually seeing a Dane Cook concert. If that is true, then you're a douche.
# posted by : 9:27 AM
: 9:27 AM
anon@ 9:27
go back to your frat house and do a beer bong.
oh, and i have some yakov smirnoff dvd's i'd like to sell you.
you'll think he's a riot!
go back to your frat house and do a beer bong.
oh, and i have some yakov smirnoff dvd's i'd like to sell you.
you'll think he's a riot!
Yakov Smirnoff IS a riot compared to Dane Cook. But I'm beyond the whole Dane Cook thing at this point. Just give me more Jessica Alba. Damn, I just got morning wood again!
# posted by : 9:36 AM
: 9:36 AM
Hilarious rant. I give Dane a couple more film flops before he's done. In virtually every interview I've seen him in, he just sounds like a royal jack bastard.
# posted by : 9:50 AM
: 9:50 AM
Hear hear!!!
Now Daniel Tosh by comparison... well, that's a whole other story. In the pantheon of spectacularly blunt, asshole comedians, Tosh's bust rests right next to Norm Macdonald's.
Now Daniel Tosh by comparison... well, that's a whole other story. In the pantheon of spectacularly blunt, asshole comedians, Tosh's bust rests right next to Norm Macdonald's.
Thank you, i say thank you my dear DB1. Im going to print that as a book mark and use it to mark my place in your book.
# posted by : 10:06 AM
: 10:06 AM
Jeez, what took ya so long, DB1?
I think
this says it all about Dane Cook.
Cut out the middle man and go straight to Louis C.K. if you want his best bits.
Louis C.K.'s asshole itched first. I can't wait to hear the "eat a bag of dicks" bit on Dane Cook's next album.
Ark Dave: I had to watch "Douche in Real Life" with the wife last night. I feel your pain.
I think
this says it all about Dane Cook.
Cut out the middle man and go straight to Louis C.K. if you want his best bits.
Louis C.K.'s asshole itched first. I can't wait to hear the "eat a bag of dicks" bit on Dane Cook's next album.
Ark Dave: I had to watch "Douche in Real Life" with the wife last night. I feel your pain.
@anon 9:27
Clearly you have never watched Tourgasm on HBO.
Gary Gulman was the only funny comedian on the show and he left.
It was like a bus full of menstral, high maintence bitches. For "funny" guys, I never saw a bigger bunch of labias who couldn't take a joke, Cook included.
It proved that Cook, in real time, is very UNFUNNY. His scripted, practice "shows" were funny for about a week.
Robert Kelly hurt his knee and it was like a bunch of Jewish mothers fussing and crying over him. Not to mention what a fat vagina Robert Kelly was. He looks like Rosanne bar with a douchebag goatee, and he's not half as funny. Rosanne bar is not funny.
Jay Davis should have just dressed in maxi pads, he was such a bleeding, oozy snatch.
Quite the "all-star" team Cook.
I have seen that much pussy in one place since my 95 year old neighbor died and the SPCA cleared about 300 cats from her property It smelled like ammonia, rotting cabbage with putrid meat mixed in and an unbathed bum with jock itch. Kind of what I imagine Bob Kelly smells like.
Clearly you have never watched Tourgasm on HBO.
Gary Gulman was the only funny comedian on the show and he left.
It was like a bus full of menstral, high maintence bitches. For "funny" guys, I never saw a bigger bunch of labias who couldn't take a joke, Cook included.
It proved that Cook, in real time, is very UNFUNNY. His scripted, practice "shows" were funny for about a week.
Robert Kelly hurt his knee and it was like a bunch of Jewish mothers fussing and crying over him. Not to mention what a fat vagina Robert Kelly was. He looks like Rosanne bar with a douchebag goatee, and he's not half as funny. Rosanne bar is not funny.
Jay Davis should have just dressed in maxi pads, he was such a bleeding, oozy snatch.
Quite the "all-star" team Cook.
I have seen that much pussy in one place since my 95 year old neighbor died and the SPCA cleared about 300 cats from her property It smelled like ammonia, rotting cabbage with putrid meat mixed in and an unbathed bum with jock itch. Kind of what I imagine Bob Kelly smells like.
i have no idea who dane cook is. i feel that makes me a cleaner person.
But i am quite familiar with the concept db1 is throwing across to us, and it makes me sick. But, on top of that, this clown piggybacks off of other people's talent?!? If he was 100% douchebag, he is now an additional 50% asshole.
@Arkansas Dave Doucheabaugh: you're not a gynecologist by any chance, are you?
But i am quite familiar with the concept db1 is throwing across to us, and it makes me sick. But, on top of that, this clown piggybacks off of other people's talent?!? If he was 100% douchebag, he is now an additional 50% asshole.
@Arkansas Dave Doucheabaugh: you're not a gynecologist by any chance, are you?
# posted by : 10:47 AM
: 10:47 AM
viva el db1!
i'm a gonna march to the Capitol with a picket sign scrawled with cook's name, dragging my feet, wearing ironic 'anon 9:27' t-shirt, aviator glasses, tight blue jeans while chanting "the end of the world is near." in the other hand, a sign with mencia's name on it.
i'm a gonna march to the Capitol with a picket sign scrawled with cook's name, dragging my feet, wearing ironic 'anon 9:27' t-shirt, aviator glasses, tight blue jeans while chanting "the end of the world is near." in the other hand, a sign with mencia's name on it.
I say Dane Cook is a d bad simply because he is within farting distance of Jessica Alba,the hottest woman of all time.
# posted by : 11:07 AM
: 11:07 AM
gotta admit i dont hate the guy. my wife loves him, i don't mind him. i don't think he's unfunny, but i dont think he's really a comedian either. he's the guy at parties who can tell a story well and make you chuckle. but fuck him for stealing from the great louis ck.
I disagree with your estimations of Dane Cook and Robin Williams as being unfunny.
# posted by : 11:35 AM
: 11:35 AM
Maybe I was just dead-center demographic when that first album made its rounds, but I thought it was hilarious, and have enjoyed all his shows since.
Why these dubious celebridouche tirades, like Tarantino a few weeks back? Are Pete Wenz/Doherty no longer around? Boo db1!
Why these dubious celebridouche tirades, like Tarantino a few weeks back? Are Pete Wenz/Doherty no longer around? Boo db1!
# posted by : 11:54 AM
: 11:54 AM
Right the fuck on DB1! There was this sales yutz at my job, about 35-ish, who was constantly trying to get me to watch Dane Cook youtube clips and listen to Fallout Boy. He was a consummate salesman, Beamer, overly gelled hair, the whole nine. His entire existence was a vain attempt to recapture his youth via reflection of media bombardment. So, eventually, I had to give Cook a look-see. It was worse than I had imagined. You hit it right on the screw.
Plus, a mention of my fellow Mitch, who happens to be one of my favorite stand-ups ever.
You the man.
Plus, a mention of my fellow Mitch, who happens to be one of my favorite stand-ups ever.
You the man.
Damn it, life has been so crazy lately that I haven't been able to rag on douches for what seems like ever, now you lob one into my wheelhouse db1, and I can't bring up the rage to spew that much hate. Even though I don't understand his popularity, his appeal, his reason for living, I must say his first Comedy Central special was pretty good. The problem was he went from Dane Cook to Dane Cook (TM), and that's when he lost me.
The problem is just as you said, the truly funny people are the ones that are so vile or so crude that they can never make it "big" on normal TV. I'll give you Mitch Hedberg, and raise you a Louis CK, or back in the day Richard Pryor. They push the limits of what is acceptable and are able to push the buttons of those whom are concerned about the moral America.
Now, not everyone has to "work blue" to get famous, I am a big fan of Jim Gaffigan and Steven Wright, neither of whom are the crude type, but they've never made it "big". So Cook fans, enjoy your Shocker, his stupid "stories that aren't jokes" and his energy. It's like saying NSYNC is the best because they have a lot of energy on stage.
The problem is just as you said, the truly funny people are the ones that are so vile or so crude that they can never make it "big" on normal TV. I'll give you Mitch Hedberg, and raise you a Louis CK, or back in the day Richard Pryor. They push the limits of what is acceptable and are able to push the buttons of those whom are concerned about the moral America.
Now, not everyone has to "work blue" to get famous, I am a big fan of Jim Gaffigan and Steven Wright, neither of whom are the crude type, but they've never made it "big". So Cook fans, enjoy your Shocker, his stupid "stories that aren't jokes" and his energy. It's like saying NSYNC is the best because they have a lot of energy on stage.
Oh, DB1. This scathing rant made my morning (errr...afternoon) coffee taste so much better. Thank you.
If I might I be so bold as to add my $.02...
Dane Cook is, IMO, a comic-auton. He is pasteurized, processed, homogenized, sanitized, freshly scrubbed and shiny for your germ-free family viewing pleasure.
He is the processed white flour of comedy.
And worst of all, he dresses like a regulation LA douche.
Even at 70 years old, George Carlin eats banal, frat-boy dillholes like him for breakfast.
If I might I be so bold as to add my $.02...
Dane Cook is, IMO, a comic-auton. He is pasteurized, processed, homogenized, sanitized, freshly scrubbed and shiny for your germ-free family viewing pleasure.
He is the processed white flour of comedy.
And worst of all, he dresses like a regulation LA douche.
Even at 70 years old, George Carlin eats banal, frat-boy dillholes like him for breakfast.
A friend of mine was always talking about Dane Cook so when I happened across his HBO (only one? or did he have more?) special I decided to give it a whirl. Unfortunately I will never get those two hours or so back. I could not believe someone as unfunny as this douchebag would be given so much aritime by a network such as HBO. When I confronted my friend with my review of Dane Cook all I heard were excuses about how this one was that good, but his previous shows and his albums and blah blah blah were all really fucking hysterical. I felt like I was talking to that guy who sees an ex of his and then has to explain to you that when he was fucking her she was much hotter and much thinner. Dane Cook is not funny. Dane Cook sucks balls. I hope he dies a horrible death. Today.
Oh, and I'd eat Jessica Alba's dirty laundry basket full of panties. All of them.
Oh, and I'd eat Jessica Alba's dirty laundry basket full of panties. All of them.
# posted by : 12:56 PM
: 12:56 PM
As an aspiring comedian, I thank you for this post. Dane Cook is the poster boy for mediocrity in American entertainment. I wish all could see this fact.
Some comedians worth their salt:
Bill Hicks
Mitch Hedberg
Daniel Tosh
David Cross
Doug Stanhope
Zach Galifianakis
Demitri Martin
Brian Posehn
Patton Oswalt
Eddie Murphy (back in the day)
Steven Wright
Chris Rock
Dave Chappelle
etc. etc.
Hell, even Henry Rollins as of late...
Some comedians worth their salt:
Bill Hicks
Mitch Hedberg
Daniel Tosh
David Cross
Doug Stanhope
Zach Galifianakis
Demitri Martin
Brian Posehn
Patton Oswalt
Eddie Murphy (back in the day)
Steven Wright
Chris Rock
Dave Chappelle
etc. etc.
Hell, even Henry Rollins as of late...
# posted by : 12:56 PM
: 12:56 PM
"The problem was he went from Dane Cook to Dane Cook (TM), and that's when he lost me."
Ditto. Beyond his first pretty funny Comedy Central special, I saw him do live standup in DC at the Improv. This was before he became a media conglomerate and a frat-boy darling.
The dude was HILARIOUS. I was laughing so hard that my bourbon n coke and tortilla chips were coming out my nose.
Somewhere, somehow, he dumbed his humor down and became a self-referential egotist who started regurgitating dumber, lamer versions of the same jokes.
I maintain that he used to be funny as hell, but went askew right around the time the media started sucking his cock, thus transmogrifying into the douche we see before us today.
I would masturbate over Jessica Alba's toenail clippings while weeping.
Ditto. Beyond his first pretty funny Comedy Central special, I saw him do live standup in DC at the Improv. This was before he became a media conglomerate and a frat-boy darling.
The dude was HILARIOUS. I was laughing so hard that my bourbon n coke and tortilla chips were coming out my nose.
Somewhere, somehow, he dumbed his humor down and became a self-referential egotist who started regurgitating dumber, lamer versions of the same jokes.
I maintain that he used to be funny as hell, but went askew right around the time the media started sucking his cock, thus transmogrifying into the douche we see before us today.
I would masturbate over Jessica Alba's toenail clippings while weeping.
I only wish Sam Kinison was still around to smack the shit out of this over-hyped, under-talented pussy.
His non-stop FOX baseball promos made me want to jam ice picks through my eardrums.
His non-stop FOX baseball promos made me want to jam ice picks through my eardrums.
wtf? are we brothers? I thought I was the only one on the planet that thought Dane Cook was unfunny. I don't think Jeff Foxworthy is funny either; or that other dude that has the SitCom.
NOW... Ron White... THAT dudes funny.
PS Nick "hogan" Bollea > John Mayer as far as douchebags go
NOW... Ron White... THAT dudes funny.
PS Nick "hogan" Bollea > John Mayer as far as douchebags go
# posted by : 3:27 PM
: 3:27 PM
After watching Dane Cook’s “Duchious Circle” on HBO, Xenu flew to Mount Olympus and raped Hera. When Zeus got upset, Xenu raped Zeus with his own lightning bolt, which he then took back in time and struck Ben Franklin’s kite.
There are worse comedians than Dane Cook. I've seen him, I've chuckled a couple times. I never had a big healthy gut laugh, but I chuckled. He's just got the one thing, and he runs with it. His star is fading, so why worry? In a few months the fratchoads will be on to the next mediocrity fountain and Dane will be pissing in the corner with Mini Me on the next Surreal Life.
# posted by : 3:33 PM
: 3:33 PM
I noticed some people are saying that the greats are good because of their boldness and boundary pushing. I liked Mitch Hedberg simply for his joviality and spontaneity.
# posted by : 3:58 PM
: 3:58 PM
Congrats DB1, this might be your best rant ever.
I'd like to add a simple analogy: If Dane Cook were a band, he'd be Nickelback.
I lost my right nut to cancer. I'd gladly give the other one for a peek under Alba's thong.
I'd like to add a simple analogy: If Dane Cook were a band, he'd be Nickelback.
I lost my right nut to cancer. I'd gladly give the other one for a peek under Alba's thong.
# posted by : 4:12 PM
: 4:12 PM
Wait a minute!! ... It's all clear to me now: Wednesdays are for limericks ... Fridays are for hiakus ... Saturdays are for DB1 rants!! ... and damn there have been some good ones lately!! they make the effort to logon on Saturdays worthwhile .. even when Fridays festivities are still taking their toll and Saturday night's drama has not yet begun!!
# posted by : 4:24 PM
: 4:24 PM
I honestly expected half the following to get all up in arms about their DC bra! and fade away...
either they just faded away...
or I never gave the peeps around here enough credit.
Aside from the occasional star wars nerd joke, I watched this guy with quiet and embarassed confusion for "not getting it", until somebody mentioned their devotion to him and his comedy, and my brother said, "that guy is a fuckin asshole and he fucking sucks as a comedian and even worse as an actor."
Plus he trademarked a Hand Gesture...that was enough for douche HoF
either they just faded away...
or I never gave the peeps around here enough credit.
Aside from the occasional star wars nerd joke, I watched this guy with quiet and embarassed confusion for "not getting it", until somebody mentioned their devotion to him and his comedy, and my brother said, "that guy is a fuckin asshole and he fucking sucks as a comedian and even worse as an actor."
Plus he trademarked a Hand Gesture...that was enough for douche HoF
# posted by : 5:05 PM
: 5:05 PM
Dane cook is funny if you think any of those fucks in police academy movies are funny like bobcat and the silly stupid fuck that makes funny noises.
Dane cook is a colostomy bag.
Turdacious
Dane cook is a colostomy bag.
Turdacious
# posted by : 5:32 PM
: 5:32 PM
Thank God, it wasn't just me who thinks Dane Cook's "Cinderdouche Story" is the greatest con since Global Warming.
My husband was reading this and I just so happened to take a look at your opinion. Why be so mean? Why would you say this and who could say something like this directly to a person unless they really knew them, and know they deserved it? Maybe if you knew him personally, and you really didn't like him or her, then I could respect your comment. But this is just a direct hit to an easy target. That is, someone who cannot comment back. What a shame. What a waste of time.
# posted by : 6:17 PM
: 6:17 PM
@Anon 6:17 p.m. - I guess Dane Cook doesn't have access to the Internet, what with his MySpace page having 2 million+ "friends" and all.
Must be an impostor. (rolls eyes)
Must be an impostor. (rolls eyes)
Thank you, DB1.
Once again you've slain the douche dragon and freed the hott from the danger that smells like poo.
Any time a comedian is tagged as "zany", "frenetic", or "high-energy", I take it to mean it's another case of style over substance. Dane Cook® is one of those people. Like you've said, he's a brand first, a mass-marketed celebrity second, and a performer third. He's as pre-packaged as a box of Little Debbie snack cakes, but far less entertaining.
For those of you who doubt his cultivated blandness, check out these show quotes:
"I never understood why a guy would want to watch a woman play with herself—To me it looks like DJ scratching records."
"If I ever get really rich, I'm just gonna open a bar, it's gonna be called HEAD. And if you come there, you know what the fuck's up. It'll just be like 150 guys. "Where are the fucking chicks, dude? Why aren't they coming out to HEAD?" "Because they're down the street at T.G.I Lick My Pussies. That's why. We gotta come up with some better Apps, 'cause they're down at T.G.I Lick My Boojage."
Some slice-o-life quotes:
I have never even had a sip of alcohol, never have done drugs. The hardest thing I have ever done would be Pepsi.
I'm always going to be someone that people enjoy watching.
It's not for any purpose such as religion, health, or things like that, I just never felt I had the need or want to drink or do drugs.
I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people - how they act and such.
I do think I am funny, or I wouldn't be where I am today. I do think there is always room for improvement and learning.
This is a gem--:
"My dad told me, ‘Whatever you discover in your college years, you’ll hold on to for the rest of your life. No matter where your career goes, those people will always support you.’ It’s fucking true man. They can get me 24/7. Sometime I’ll put my web cam on and people can watch me do nothing. Whatever I can do to entertain the kids. Hey, let me turn it on right now and show you what happens.”
...and finally, from this interview--
"...They (my sisters) They bedazzled me. They slapped on lipstick. I would wear Jellies and wigs. Yeah, the whole thing. I had Strawberry Shortcake sneakers and a pink Huffy. I'm not even kidding you. I hung around with them so much, I finally started getting a period."
Ha.
Ha.
Ha...
*crickets*
Once again you've slain the douche dragon and freed the hott from the danger that smells like poo.
Any time a comedian is tagged as "zany", "frenetic", or "high-energy", I take it to mean it's another case of style over substance. Dane Cook® is one of those people. Like you've said, he's a brand first, a mass-marketed celebrity second, and a performer third. He's as pre-packaged as a box of Little Debbie snack cakes, but far less entertaining.
For those of you who doubt his cultivated blandness, check out these show quotes:
"I never understood why a guy would want to watch a woman play with herself—To me it looks like DJ scratching records."
"If I ever get really rich, I'm just gonna open a bar, it's gonna be called HEAD. And if you come there, you know what the fuck's up. It'll just be like 150 guys. "Where are the fucking chicks, dude? Why aren't they coming out to HEAD?" "Because they're down the street at T.G.I Lick My Pussies. That's why. We gotta come up with some better Apps, 'cause they're down at T.G.I Lick My Boojage."
Some slice-o-life quotes:
I have never even had a sip of alcohol, never have done drugs. The hardest thing I have ever done would be Pepsi.
I'm always going to be someone that people enjoy watching.
It's not for any purpose such as religion, health, or things like that, I just never felt I had the need or want to drink or do drugs.
I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people - how they act and such.
I do think I am funny, or I wouldn't be where I am today. I do think there is always room for improvement and learning.
This is a gem--:
"My dad told me, ‘Whatever you discover in your college years, you’ll hold on to for the rest of your life. No matter where your career goes, those people will always support you.’ It’s fucking true man. They can get me 24/7. Sometime I’ll put my web cam on and people can watch me do nothing. Whatever I can do to entertain the kids. Hey, let me turn it on right now and show you what happens.”
...and finally, from this interview--
"...They (my sisters) They bedazzled me. They slapped on lipstick. I would wear Jellies and wigs. Yeah, the whole thing. I had Strawberry Shortcake sneakers and a pink Huffy. I'm not even kidding you. I hung around with them so much, I finally started getting a period."
Ha.
Ha.
Ha...
*crickets*
reading db1's excellent rant and most of these comments makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. i too, thought i was the only one who hated this bland, unfunny prick. i've gotten into arguments about this clown with friends who are otherwise right-on with their cultural interests and i've walked away scratching my head. "is it me? has modern humor passed me by? is it now funny to be unfunny? is this the next phase of irony in our culture?" no. dane cook just sucks.
hey db1, can we have dane cook photoshop contest please? i have some angst to unleash on a whole bunch of douched-up pixels.
- phlerbert
hey db1, can we have dane cook photoshop contest please? i have some angst to unleash on a whole bunch of douched-up pixels.
- phlerbert
# posted by : 9:09 PM
: 9:09 PM
Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you
It's about time someone said something about this gayrod.
It's about time someone said something about this gayrod.
# posted by : 10:04 PM
: 10:04 PM
Maybe it's because I fart mummy dust compared to you spry hipsters, but Dane Cook hasn't even really come across my radar yet. Or it could be that I just couldn't hear him over the sound of my own screaming whenever Carlos Mencia comes on the air.
Fuck you, Dave Chappelle: we wouldn't even know who Mencia was if you could have handled your high.
Fuck you, Dave Chappelle: we wouldn't even know who Mencia was if you could have handled your high.
Okay, I know who Dane Cook is. I've seen him perform.
I was never clear on one thing: Comedian?
Thanks to the rant and all the posts here, I finally understand.
Thank you.
I was never clear on one thing: Comedian?
Thanks to the rant and all the posts here, I finally understand.
Thank you.
# posted by : 11:41 PM
: 11:41 PM
Dane Cook is the puss from Xenu’s ass-pimple which burst on March 18, 1972. The puss coagulated on its own, defying Darwin’s Theory of Natural Selection. The puss we now call Dane Cook is simply a miracle of Xenu’s own creation. Xenu is God and Dane Cook his son. Dane, please sacrifice yourself soon.
Hmm...I happen to think Dane Cook is hilarious. And I know there are other comedians who someone else might find side splitting but I might not find quite as funny. I guess I don't find it worth my time to right articles trashing someone because the jokes they tell are not mean enough or maybe I am jealous because as someone who just writes articles trashing others as much as I might try just like any comedian to get as much attention as possible from the world in the end no one will really care about the name of the person who wrote this article. I guess I just don't see why this is an issue worth some many people getting upset and angry about. If he doesn't make you laugh change the channel. Does someone else in this world you've never met really have the power to disrupt your life this much?
# posted by : 3:57 AM
: 3:57 AM
It's funny how the fans are coming out and supporting Dane Cook using the same lame and tired excuses and clichéd responses. I've seen these lines used in defense of Wacko Jacko, Twitney Spheres ad nauseam by fans who simply don't want their idols trashed. How soon before some of you start telling us "Don't judge" or "You're just jealous"? (Or, in modern [cough] language, "ur just jelous".....)
Look, for those of you who don't like what's written here by DB1, you can also "change the channel," can't you? The only thing DB1 is doing here is expressing an opinion - just because it's negative doesn't mean it isn't valid. It's. His. OPINION. It works for him and a few others in this forum. It simply doesn't mesh with your opinion.
But, you fans like to come out and try to make others see the light.....OK, that's fine if you think Dane Cook is funny. Others don't. But we have become rather pussified as a society if we're being indirectly (or in some cases directly) told that we can't express anything negative. We're labeled as "haters" if we do (or "haterz" by other douchebags such as Mr. Wuteva), and someone might get their feelings hurt by it. Boo hoo. But I never heard when this fucking politically correct "everyone's a winner" mentality was supposed to squash genuine opinions.....
If you read the rest of the rants DB1 has here, you will see he generally goes off against prepackaged douchebaggery. Some of the "men" roasted on the site are simply trying way too bloody hard for an identity because they obviously think that's the only way to "fit in" somewhere. "Wow, I need to get a tribal tattoo and use tanning cream to turn orange, and then go get a bitchin' blowout and purse my lips for the camera."
But it's not just against these particular dweebs who think they're hot shit - the larger scope shows DB1's spite for following trendy bullshit in general. Or, at least that's how I see it.
Do yourself a favor: go into the May 2008 archives and look at DB1's comments for Friday, May 09, 2008 ("Friday Thoughts") - this sums up the purpose of the blog, in my mind, and I must wholeheartedly agree with his sentiments there. It begins thusly:
"As another Friday passes by, Ubiquitous Red Cup comes to me and asks me questions."
From there, just absorb what he's saying there. It should all become clear.
Look, for those of you who don't like what's written here by DB1, you can also "change the channel," can't you? The only thing DB1 is doing here is expressing an opinion - just because it's negative doesn't mean it isn't valid. It's. His. OPINION. It works for him and a few others in this forum. It simply doesn't mesh with your opinion.
But, you fans like to come out and try to make others see the light.....OK, that's fine if you think Dane Cook is funny. Others don't. But we have become rather pussified as a society if we're being indirectly (or in some cases directly) told that we can't express anything negative. We're labeled as "haters" if we do (or "haterz" by other douchebags such as Mr. Wuteva), and someone might get their feelings hurt by it. Boo hoo. But I never heard when this fucking politically correct "everyone's a winner" mentality was supposed to squash genuine opinions.....
If you read the rest of the rants DB1 has here, you will see he generally goes off against prepackaged douchebaggery. Some of the "men" roasted on the site are simply trying way too bloody hard for an identity because they obviously think that's the only way to "fit in" somewhere. "Wow, I need to get a tribal tattoo and use tanning cream to turn orange, and then go get a bitchin' blowout and purse my lips for the camera."
But it's not just against these particular dweebs who think they're hot shit - the larger scope shows DB1's spite for following trendy bullshit in general. Or, at least that's how I see it.
Do yourself a favor: go into the May 2008 archives and look at DB1's comments for Friday, May 09, 2008 ("Friday Thoughts") - this sums up the purpose of the blog, in my mind, and I must wholeheartedly agree with his sentiments there. It begins thusly:
"As another Friday passes by, Ubiquitous Red Cup comes to me and asks me questions."
From there, just absorb what he's saying there. It should all become clear.
i think he's funny... anyone here see the movie "Waiting" when hes a cook in the back. He was hilarious. I don't see the frattyness in him that you are all remarking on. I hate the frat persona, but i dont get that feeling of douchery from dane. His newer special might not have been as good as old, but his first show on comedy central was one of the funniest i have ever seen on that channel
# posted by : 7:27 AM
: 7:27 AM
Hey jimmy.......... the party's in Danes mouth everyones cummin' !!!
now THATS funny!
Take my flute........... Please
now THATS funny!
Take my flute........... Please
# posted by : 7:31 AM
: 7:31 AM
RANT-TASTIC!!
MunDane Cook- Government approved! Why must you be hyped so much? Maybe because you
are "safe" to "the man" you SUCK! Lame Cook - you watered down puss
Need to skip a line here, don't want to mention the greatest in the same sentence..............
BILL HICKS !!! (I even laugh when TYPING his name) you are missed!
MunDane Cook- Government approved! Why must you be hyped so much? Maybe because you
are "safe" to "the man" you SUCK! Lame Cook - you watered down puss
Need to skip a line here, don't want to mention the greatest in the same sentence..............
BILL HICKS !!! (I even laugh when TYPING his name) you are missed!
I hat eDane Cook, and I'm glad someone (DB1) finally spit the truth on this fucking idiot.
# posted by : 7:49 AM
: 7:49 AM
@Wheeze -- AWESOME FOLLOWUP RANT, and thanks for referring the recent arrivals back to DB1's tour de force rant of last month.
Well played, my friend.
And thanks, Crucial Head, for reminding us that Dane Cook® is a thirty-six year old fratbag.
Yes, 36.
His shelf life expires in 3, 2, 1...
Well played, my friend.
And thanks, Crucial Head, for reminding us that Dane Cook® is a thirty-six year old fratbag.
Yes, 36.
His shelf life expires in 3, 2, 1...
Damn. Those Dane Cook quotes suck the bag. I could come up with funnier, more interesting shit if I was being gang-sodomized by cavetrolls.
Here's my FAVE: "I'm always going to be someone that people enjoy watching."
Um, watching leaving the stage? Watching get lit on fire? Watching get stabbed to death by squirrel monkeys?
This fucktard is so full of himself. And by full, I mean he can self-felate, and can hold his own load in his mouth.
Here's my FAVE: "I'm always going to be someone that people enjoy watching."
Um, watching leaving the stage? Watching get lit on fire? Watching get stabbed to death by squirrel monkeys?
This fucktard is so full of himself. And by full, I mean he can self-felate, and can hold his own load in his mouth.
# posted by : 9:53 AM
: 9:53 AM
How about a Dane Cook vs. John Mayer pay-per-view Douche-Off Death Match?
and by "Death Match" i mean we bury them both up to their necks in scorching hot sand filled with broken glass, lit cigarettes and brown recluse spiders, then have 75 naked virginal hotts stone them both to death with snooker balls, and we air it live at $29.95 a pop.
i forsee huge ratings.
and by "Death Match" i mean we bury them both up to their necks in scorching hot sand filled with broken glass, lit cigarettes and brown recluse spiders, then have 75 naked virginal hotts stone them both to death with snooker balls, and we air it live at $29.95 a pop.
i forsee huge ratings.
@ Cruel Head: i hope nobody failed to miss 2 of your Xenu poetic artistry posts -- f-ing priceless!!
# posted by : 12:41 PM
: 12:41 PM
It really obvious who's commenting who have never been on the site before and where directed here by DC fans, I don't have an opinion about him one way or another- although I did get offended recently when someone compared me to him. Even if DB1 picked on someone I liked(hasn't happened yet), I would never post a comment like the DC supporters, because I know how the vinegar and water flows around here.
comedy is the "new" music...and dane cook is the "new" hootie and the blowfish...he appeals to those who want to talk about some kind of entertainment that doesn't involve being hopelessly stuck on retro and at the same time isn't so out there as to possibly scar one's standing in daddy's club...the older adults can tolerate the 20somethings liking it...it all sounds familiar to them...but they can call him their own without tacitly endorsing politics and culture they can't hope to understand...he is banana republic...all hail same store sales forecasts
# posted by : 1:17 PM
: 1:17 PM
Jesus H. Christ. I couldn't have said it better myself. Before seeing his "comedy" for myself, I was inundated with media praise, advertisements, and commentary from coworkers. After finally seeing his “work” I was stunned – stunned! He sucked so bad – and was so unfunny!
THANK YOU!!!
I previously thought I was the only one saying "Why is he so popular? He's such a douche!"
Anyone can be funny if they're given the lines and they know how to be obnoxious in a frat boy/high schooler kind of way. But this guy is FAKE. And like you said, that's no big deal, but the fact that we're being told EVERYWHERE that we are supposed to like him and even worship him is so insulting that it makes him even more unbearable.
I previously thought I was the only one saying "Why is he so popular? He's such a douche!"
Anyone can be funny if they're given the lines and they know how to be obnoxious in a frat boy/high schooler kind of way. But this guy is FAKE. And like you said, that's no big deal, but the fact that we're being told EVERYWHERE that we are supposed to like him and even worship him is so insulting that it makes him even more unbearable.
# posted by : 4:17 PM
: 4:17 PM
"Fuck you, Dave Chappelle: we wouldn't even know who Mencia was if you could have handled your high."
I am willing to write a check right now to have this quote posted on the billboard closest to Chappelle's mansion.
heh heh heh
I am willing to write a check right now to have this quote posted on the billboard closest to Chappelle's mansion.
heh heh heh
@ Douche Wayne
Xenu has been haunting my dreams since I discovered this hallowed ground. I apologize for the tangents.
@Douchetoevsky
I foresee 75 carefully placed seed loads in anatomically correct locations after the match. It may take time, but it can be done. And by time, I mean 75-88 seconds tops.
Xenu has been haunting my dreams since I discovered this hallowed ground. I apologize for the tangents.
@Douchetoevsky
I foresee 75 carefully placed seed loads in anatomically correct locations after the match. It may take time, but it can be done. And by time, I mean 75-88 seconds tops.
Dane Cook sucks as a comedian but he was awesome in "Simon Says" with Dennis Rodman AND John Pinette. Greatest action movie ever!
# posted by : 5:54 PM
: 5:54 PM
Oh.
Wait a minute...
My sarcasm detector was broken. Fixed now. I just had to reset it with an Arrested Development clip.
Sorry ratdouchie.
Wait a minute...
My sarcasm detector was broken. Fixed now. I just had to reset it with an Arrested Development clip.
Sorry ratdouchie.
http://www.salon.com/ent/tv/review/2006/09/03/dane_cook/
Click above for a legit, well-written, point-by-point article of why Dane Cook sucks goat balls.
Click above for a legit, well-written, point-by-point article of why Dane Cook sucks goat balls.
# posted by : 7:29 PM
: 7:29 PM
"...But Cook's is the sort of non-threatening humor that appeals to people who, when watching Jon Stewart or Jerry Seinfeld, don't feel like they're in on the joke. With Cook, you're always in on the joke. Even if you've never been in a bad relationship or had breakup sex, you can just flash that "SuFi" and you're part of the club..."
That's the essence of what this thread has hammered home: Dane Cook requires nothing more of his audience than to show up.
And they require nothing more of him, either.
Lose/Lose.
Thanks, anon. You've done us all a favor.
That's the essence of what this thread has hammered home: Dane Cook requires nothing more of his audience than to show up.
And they require nothing more of him, either.
Lose/Lose.
Thanks, anon. You've done us all a favor.
Gotta disagree with you on one point ... though Cook might be a humongous douche, though he could very well not even be real and just a computer-generated simulacrum of charismatic funny-ish TV face, though everything that spews out of his mouth could very well be created in some marketing boardroom .... those things don't make him douche, per se. You've created a terrific, sort-of specific definition of The Douchebag, one that I use frequently, and while all Cook's flaws make him a primo tool and waste of DNA, they fall outside the scrotegories you've so carefully made.
# posted by : 9:23 PM
: 9:23 PM
God I hate Dane Cook. It actually made me NOT want to watch the playoffs last year! WTF!? Sure I'd prefer to have someone who knows a bit about baseball hawking the playoffs. And if not that, I'll take a hottie like Jessica Alba.
But Dane f*cking Cook!?!
Gah!!!
Know what would make Dane Cook funny?
If Dennis Leary came on stage and beat him with a graphite 9-iron.
But Dane f*cking Cook!?!
Gah!!!
Know what would make Dane Cook funny?
If Dennis Leary came on stage and beat him with a graphite 9-iron.
# posted by : 10:39 PM
: 10:39 PM
Eh, i gotta really disagree with this. If him makiing me laugh means im stupid then i guess I am. I realize the point of this site is to be an elitest but some times i think you need to just enjoy life instead of anylizing "why" or "why not" i should/should not like something.
# posted by : 5:27 AM
: 5:27 AM
darksock...thats a goodidea for a billboard, but i think getting the one oprah reads for show ideas should have "oprah do a show on hot chicks who hang out with douchebags"
hearing her explain the concept would be priceless and she could give the audience jesus bling, red cups armani exchange and thoose godawful sunglasses
hearing her explain the concept would be priceless and she could give the audience jesus bling, red cups armani exchange and thoose godawful sunglasses
# posted by : 6:15 AM
: 6:15 AM
The celebrity strawman that is Dane Cook is now officially ablaze. Thanks for the great rant, DB1.
# posted by : 6:48 AM
: 6:48 AM