Monday, July 21, 2008
1994 Mugs an Alba
I love you, blonde, perfectly formed Alba carbon copy genetic reproduction.
I would learn to chant rhythmically in Spanish just so I could charm the housekeeper into letting me come in and hump your teddy bear while you're out buying groceries at Mayfair Market.
I would spend years slavishly painting great works of art using only acrylic paint, small lumps of coal and pieces of broken glass, just so you would ignore my paintings as you strolled through a museum whilst texting on your iphone.
You inspire me to take showers thrice daily in the hopes that one particle of the shower water might someday reach the ocean while you're bodysurfing with your personal trainer, Karl, and find its way under your taught, yet oh so firm, spandex bikini. At which point my particle of shower water would shout "Booya!!"
Which is very odd. Because shower water doesn't usually talk.
Oh, and 1994 is a douche. Because... uhm... because he just is.
# posted by Douchebag1 @ 11:02 AM 
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i dunno DB1.
i think i'll be giving this guy a pass. i mean, he's got my 'haircut'. hell, i even have a lower lip hair patch, Prada frames, and a thumb ring.
Oh. Shit.
nahahhhhhhhhh..... i couldn't be.....
also, boobies.
i think i'll be giving this guy a pass. i mean, he's got my 'haircut'. hell, i even have a lower lip hair patch, Prada frames, and a thumb ring.
Oh. Shit.
nahahhhhhhhhh..... i couldn't be.....
also, boobies.
I want to butter my corn between her boobies and I don't mean that in a sexual way. I really want to fill her cleavage with butter and spin my ear of corn in it.
1994 is a code:
1 = "a"
9 = "i"
4 = "d"
ergo 1994 = A.I.I.D., which of course stands for Anally Inserted Impalement Dong.
We have to save her, before she gets violated by a penis other than mine...
1 = "a"
9 = "i"
4 = "d"
ergo 1994 = A.I.I.D., which of course stands for Anally Inserted Impalement Dong.
We have to save her, before she gets violated by a penis other than mine...
# posted by 
: 11:25 AM
: 11:25 AM
re: concerning clear cup..
if it's ubiquitous, it cannot be scarce.
this is why blue and yellow have previously been documented as haiving a state of 'rare ass'-ness.
where the clear cup falls on the scarcity scale is beyond my mediocre bag hunting skills, however.
if it's ubiquitous, it cannot be scarce.
this is why blue and yellow have previously been documented as haiving a state of 'rare ass'-ness.
where the clear cup falls on the scarcity scale is beyond my mediocre bag hunting skills, however.
I'm gonna have to give this guy a pass as well due to:
-His collar isn't "popped"
-He's not wearing a Mandana
-His cup is clear
-Lack of Jesus bling and unearned dogtags
-1994 was a good year!
-He looks stoned ;)
I would also like to mention that Captain Cleavage is needed on the bridge...I have a photon torpedo that needs to be fired.
-His collar isn't "popped"
-He's not wearing a Mandana
-His cup is clear
-Lack of Jesus bling and unearned dogtags
-1994 was a good year!
-He looks stoned ;)
I would also like to mention that Captain Cleavage is needed on the bridge...I have a photon torpedo that needs to be fired.
"My daughter Debbie lactates Pepsi Cola. Debbie, express two cups of warm Pepsi for these nice people."
danny noonan's not wrong people.
i kept the Hanes/Sock Division in business for '95, and most of '96. i also ruined my family's television on September 14, 1985. the day that the Golden Girls aired for the first time.
and i'm not even ashamed.
i kept the Hanes/Sock Division in business for '95, and most of '96. i also ruined my family's television on September 14, 1985. the day that the Golden Girls aired for the first time.
and i'm not even ashamed.
1994 is the number of individual spermatazoa that leaked out of my johnson before I could even properly masturbate to this Alba Hott.
In 1994 in Rwanda Hutus ran rampant, murdering thousands of Tutsi with machete, then grinding them into a doughy mixture and baking them into small buns. This great tasting dinner acoutrement is now known as the Tutsi Roll.
I would modify the genes of a fuzzy bunny with ones taken from a rabid ferret, and train it to hate bald, ugly guys and also to chew through aqua straps, giving it to her just before this picture was snapped and giving it the signal to execute its training, leaving him with a rabid, rabiferret attached to his jugular, and her standing there with her boobies hanging out. then I'd get out the aloe vera gel...
Not A Douche... Not a shirt I would wear but he's a pretty normal looking guy. No hand gestures, No stupid glasses, No stupid facial expressions, No man jewelry.
Cant bag on this guy because he scored a hot chick. That's being a HATER.
Cant bag on this guy because he scored a hot chick. That's being a HATER.
# posted by : 11:37 AM
: 11:37 AM
In 1994 Kurt Cobain paid the ultimate price for spawning a movement that overshadowed and killed the burgeoning thrash metal scene.
In 1994 the first home DVD player was introduced on the market. It weighed 300 pounds and ran on kerosene. It was of course used to watch porn.
@ anon 11:37
"Cant bag on this guy because he scored a hot chick. That's being a HATER. M-O-O-N; that spells HATER. My laws yes."
"Cant bag on this guy because he scored a hot chick. That's being a HATER. M-O-O-N; that spells HATER. My laws yes."
# posted by : 11:44 AM
: 11:44 AM
in 1994 Nancy Kerrigan was clubbed on the right leg by an assailant under orders from figure skating rival Tonya Harding's ex-husband.
In 1994 Lance Bass gave Lew Pearlman the first of many, many spectacular blowjobs, the memory of which, to this very day, bring a sad, yet wistful smile to Lew's fat face as he rots in a federal penitentiary.
1994 sucked. I got punched by an angry Samoan because I bumped his shoulders on the way to my 11th grade English class.
Her lips would fit well on my Lillehammer.
Her lips would fit well on my Lillehammer.
in 1994 at Clearwater Beach, Fla, i was hit in the face with a volleyball by Karch Kiraly during the Jose Cuervo Gold Crown.
i bled through my nose and he said he was sorry.
true story.
i bled through my nose and he said he was sorry.
true story.
In 1994 Conan O'Brian ran Celebrities in a Box, a segment in which Nipsey Russel and Hair Club for Men president Sy Sperling were locked in a box. Using time-lapse photography, the progress of their acquaintance was monitored.
Wait, that may have been 1996.
My bad.
Wait, that may have been 1996.
My bad.
In 1994, when the American SUV movement was in its infancy, GM focus-grouped a new vehicle called the Gigantaur. It was 35 yards long and weighed just over 28 tons. The project was canceled when consumers bristled at the idea that the warranty on the front end of the car would be void by the time the back end rolled off the assembly line.
1994 is the number of times he relieved pent up inmate anxiety during his short but eventful stay at the honor ranch.
as for blondie, I would crereal mug her frontal perk cruets
as for blondie, I would crereal mug her frontal perk cruets
# posted by : 11:58 AM
: 11:58 AM
Not a douche.
Just because he's got a hott doesn't mean he qualifies. A marginal taste in shirt fashion alone is not enough to condemn!
Just because he's got a hott doesn't mean he qualifies. A marginal taste in shirt fashion alone is not enough to condemn!
# posted by : 11:59 AM
: 11:59 AM
I can't believe I am first on this:
In the year 1994, Bleeth's big break arrived when she played a lifeguard in the popular series Baywatch Hawaii (1994-1997).
In the year 1994, Bleeth's big break arrived when she played a lifeguard in the popular series Baywatch Hawaii (1994-1997).
# posted by : 12:00 PM
: 12:00 PM
and the bookend:
In 1988, Grieco began appearing as Detective Dennis Booker on the shows 21 Jump Street and its ... He began a singing career in 1994 with the Dunmore Band.
In 1988, Grieco began appearing as Detective Dennis Booker on the shows 21 Jump Street and its ... He began a singing career in 1994 with the Dunmore Band.
# posted by : 12:01 PM
: 12:01 PM
Lost in all of the nostalgia and the drooling over Hott's boobies is the fact that she's quite possibly pregnant. That shirt screams 'maternity' and the inflated funbags concur.
Eer, actually, I meant to respond to Anonymous... whatever. I fail at internet quoting.
# posted by : 12:08 PM
: 12:08 PM
1994 is the number of times I would pinch her teats while squealing "Eureka!"
# posted by : 12:09 PM
: 12:09 PM
@crucial
*sniff* that's beautiful man!
(although getting punched in the head would've really completed the experience)
*sniff* that's beautiful man!
(although getting punched in the head would've really completed the experience)
@jamin
Maybe preggers, but that's O.K. A tummy, be it from pregnancy or sloth, just acts as a fulcrum during the sex act. Know your physics, know your pleasure.
Speaking of which...1994 is the number of milliseconds I would last while frantically humping this girl.
Maybe preggers, but that's O.K. A tummy, be it from pregnancy or sloth, just acts as a fulcrum during the sex act. Know your physics, know your pleasure.
Speaking of which...1994 is the number of milliseconds I would last while frantically humping this girl.
Douchetoevsky,
I concur. Wounds from the pit are to be brandished as badges of honor. Of which, I've had many over the years.
I did catch a pick thrown by Mr. Ness himself though... which I still have.
I concur. Wounds from the pit are to be brandished as badges of honor. Of which, I've had many over the years.
I did catch a pick thrown by Mr. Ness himself though... which I still have.
that's a cross between J.Alba and Daisy Marie, porn starlet. Me like.
In dude's defense, it is difficult to figure out which way to roll when a promotions website wants to snap your pic.
I mean, if I were in this hott's presence, I would probably have a shet-eating grin on my face or I'd be caught with the right eye peeping boobie.
Dude has a confident mug with a little less than a smug "what's up bitches" expression. Then again, it could be a mildly inebriated smirk off that Cap'n.
In dude's defense, it is difficult to figure out which way to roll when a promotions website wants to snap your pic.
I mean, if I were in this hott's presence, I would probably have a shet-eating grin on my face or I'd be caught with the right eye peeping boobie.
Dude has a confident mug with a little less than a smug "what's up bitches" expression. Then again, it could be a mildly inebriated smirk off that Cap'n.
In 1994 I sported a Lego Man haircut and said things like "sweet" and "bitchin". Then I masturbated 7 times in one day to my all time favorite Patricia Ford.
In 1994 HOF douche, Dwight Yokam, was banging Sharon Stone.
Well, alledgedly. Just like Aikman/Morgan ref earlier, didn't know gay dudes banged skanks.
Well, alledgedly. Just like Aikman/Morgan ref earlier, didn't know gay dudes banged skanks.
Come on now, not a douche.
Calling this guy a douche makes being a REAL one seem......less awful?
He just seems like a normal guy.
Calling this guy a douche makes being a REAL one seem......less awful?
He just seems like a normal guy.
# posted by : 1:12 PM
: 1:12 PM
and find its way under your taught, yet oh so firm, spandex bikini
It's "taut."
Dammit! Stop me before I correct again!
It's "taut."
Dammit! Stop me before I correct again!
Okay, so the shirt sucks but seriously folks, she probably smells nice. I'd sniff her like a dog making new friends too. Probably even hump her leg a little. I'm just saying.
# posted by : 1:32 PM
: 1:32 PM
In 1994 I visited Austria, in 1995 I threw away the shirt. Looks like Baggy Shitshirt dug it up. Way to go Bagg's! I guess Chess-King ran out of cool shirts with random dates printed on them; so you had to rumage around my trash cans.
in 1994 my HS Latin teacher taught me the difference between "taught" and "taut" ... saying: "Son there's no sense learning a foreign language, if you don't even know your own!"
"Spell checker" is is ruining the English Language as we speak!
Eighty-two comments before that mistake was caught or is it caut? Good job sinfonian!
"Spell checker" is is ruining the English Language as we speak!
Eighty-two comments before that mistake was caught or is it caut? Good job sinfonian!
# posted by : 2:29 PM
: 2:29 PM
1994 is how many times I would softly place that clear cup upon her boob, and then pull away with a soft "foomph" sound, until she giggled and said "tee hee...kuh-whee-yut!"
# posted by : 3:22 PM
: 3:22 PM
i'm thinking maybe notadouche, just a guy with a dumb shirt.
boobies! vacuous benevolent smile! boobies!
-haberdouchery
boobies! vacuous benevolent smile! boobies!
-haberdouchery
# posted by : 4:04 PM
: 4:04 PM
this guy is obviously terrible- and he may very well be a douche - but this picture simply doesn't offer the requisite proof. We have standards to keep here, people, and we can't just put up pictures of random cheeseballs and pass them off as premium douchebags based on nothing more than the hottfactor.
I don't really know if he deserves a nottadouche pass, but something isn't right here. He's just not that infuriating. All we have is a questionable shirt (which happens to be mostly buttoned, by the way) and a minor sideburn infraction.
I don't really know if he deserves a nottadouche pass, but something isn't right here. He's just not that infuriating. All we have is a questionable shirt (which happens to be mostly buttoned, by the way) and a minor sideburn infraction.
Yeah, I'm on the pass bandwagon, too. There's no call to give ammo to the true douches who claim this site is all about jealousy. Because it's only 50% about jealousy. Well, maybe 51%.
"OK here's the deal, I'll promise to take my hands off you & leave you alone, if you tell my friends that I have a big schlong & know how to use it."
# posted by : 5:45 PM
: 5:45 PM
Gotta go with Not a Douche.
Dork, yes. Douche, nope.
Me jealous? Abso-fucking-lutely.
I can't remember 1994.
Dork, yes. Douche, nope.
Me jealous? Abso-fucking-lutely.
I can't remember 1994.
# posted by : 7:43 PM
: 7:43 PM
This chick makes Jessica Alba look like a $20 whore...OMFG.
Joey's mouth is watering just imagining her stripping to the tune of...oh who gives a rip, just strip!
Joey's mouth is watering just imagining her stripping to the tune of...oh who gives a rip, just strip!
Not a douche, unless he's posing with the Alba statue at Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum.
Which judging by the sheen coming off her, is entirely possible.
Judging by the sheen in my pants, I wouldn't care if was wax, either.
Which judging by the sheen coming off her, is entirely possible.
Judging by the sheen in my pants, I wouldn't care if was wax, either.
her gums are messed up
but thats neither here nor there, i would still wear my 35 year old soiled diapers everyday in the hopes that if i was ever up-wind of her second cousin, they would catch a wiff and look my way.
but thats neither here nor there, i would still wear my 35 year old soiled diapers everyday in the hopes that if i was ever up-wind of her second cousin, they would catch a wiff and look my way.
# posted by : 11:01 PM
: 11:01 PM
in 1994 i carried on passionate love affairs with micki lyn, chasey lain, kelly o'dell, nikki dial and katlyn ashley...all of course without their knowledge, meanwhile i lacklusterly and all to infrequently schtupped a stubbornly post grunge blond with flap jack breasts and an unreasonable idolization of ayn rand...
# posted by : 1:32 AM
: 1:32 AM
I'd be forever grateful just to have a shadow cast anywhere on my body from either one of Alba's perfect tatas. Like a lunar eclipse passing my celestial body in a brief moment of time and wonderment.
Sorry my fuck'n jazz hands are typing this morning.
Sorry my fuck'n jazz hands are typing this morning.
I give him a pass. No urge to kill.
I am extremely jealous, though. That smile of hers represents all that is good in the world. Meaning ta-tas. Bodacious ta-tas.
I am extremely jealous, though. That smile of hers represents all that is good in the world. Meaning ta-tas. Bodacious ta-tas.
Obvious question: Where can we find more pictures of this boob-a-licious angel?
Anyone? Anyone??
Anyone? Anyone??
# posted by : 8:26 AM
: 8:26 AM
I like what creature said...
"OK here's the deal, I'll promise to take my hands off you & leave you alone, if you tell my friends that I have a big schlong & know how to use it."
This girl is a Milano/Alba Hybrid and I like it.
"OK here's the deal, I'll promise to take my hands off you & leave you alone, if you tell my friends that I have a big schlong & know how to use it."
This girl is a Milano/Alba Hybrid and I like it.
i hope every one get the point of why this guy ooozes the word douche....he is a douche for the pure and simple fact that he is with this alba hott and here i am in the middle of the ocean on a ship surrounded by ugly chicks and guys.....that guy is the biggest douche bag i have ever seen...
# posted by : 2:16 PM
: 2:16 PM
113 comments later. WTF is that person wearing in the background. Is that a dude or a chick?!?
# posted by : 2:50 PM
: 2:50 PM
If you look very closely, you'll see the hair pucker inward slightly over where blondus pnumaticus's ear should be. That is the graphic demonstration that nature abhors a vacuum.
Is there a douche in the picture? My eyes keep getting SUCKED to the blonde.
Is there a douche in the picture? My eyes keep getting SUCKED to the blonde.
# posted by : 1:21 AM
: 1:21 AM
good lord!
i'd place a flaming bag of crap on her doorstep in hopes that she'd stamp it out and my feces would get stuck between her twinkle-toes.
i'd place a flaming bag of crap on her doorstep in hopes that she'd stamp it out and my feces would get stuck between her twinkle-toes.
# posted by : 11:26 PM
: 11:26 PM
There are so many reasons 1994 is a douche.
Douchey headbutt. Precision shaving. 100-centimeter stare. Pinioning of the Hott.
I have already built a shrine to Alba Hott on top of the toilet tank; my wife has thrown me out of the house, and I now sleep in the Greenwaste container.
I don't care.
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Douchey headbutt. Precision shaving. 100-centimeter stare. Pinioning of the Hott.
I have already built a shrine to Alba Hott on top of the toilet tank; my wife has thrown me out of the house, and I now sleep in the Greenwaste container.
I don't care.
# posted by : 12:40 PM
: 12:40 PM << Home
