You will know an Oldbag by the jowls that hang below the chin.
 

Boy, Ted Danson's sure let himself go.
 

if Verne Troyer fucked Frankenstein, their child would look like this guy.





why is she even near this abomination?
 

Looks like Yellowtail hit the gym. Douche on, sir.
 

The tattoo of George Washington on his shoulder gives this one away.
 

She even has a ribbon in her hair. Somehow that detail makes this even more upsetting.

She reminds me of a cutie pie who rides my train in the morning. And sadly, by "ride my train," I mean, "rides on the same commuter locomotive as I do."

Note to self: Get cutie pie to "ride my train."
 

It's 'Master Blaster' from "Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome"!
 

Holy crap, look at him! If OB doesn't go up for the weekly it would be a SIN. The hat and glasses are hiding something though. Perhaps some Adult Onset Moyamoya Disease with a history of infant botulism? Covered in grease?
 

Dad?
 

....and you will know the oldbag because he drinks aquafina that he just got out of the vending machines behind him because he is too old to process alcohol.
 

You will know the Oldbag by his breath, which smells like Polydent and deceased ass.
 

In his 20's that tattoo was a Hells Angel on a Harley with "BORN TO BE WILD" written across it...

Now that he's pushing 60, it's a Water Buffalo Road Kill that says, "BLAaaaaaaaaaaa!"
 

He has managed to "score" what appears to be the poor man's Britney Spears...
 

You will know the oldbag by his pimped out ride, which his daughter ordered after seeing an infomercial about TheScooterStore.com
 

Ewwwwwwwwww!!!!

It's like Bruce Willis knocked up David Cross and he did meth throughout the whole pregnancy.

Nice clip on diamond hoop earrings, Old Spice. Gank those from your wife's jewelry box, did ya?
 

I see family resemblance in skin tone only. She’s just his assisted living nurse whose holding his cane at the depot until his train bound for the old age home arrives.

She can assist my cane anytime.

Smokin’ body.
 

Florida Evans last wore that hat on episode 16, "Michael Questions Religion."
 

This is Chia's wingman, Uncle Bert, who bird dogs his chics until his glycerine suppository kicks in.
 

whats wrong old douche? why the long face?
 

well...that's my future right there...damn!

Army of Douche-ness
 

Elton John last wore that hat on his 1986, 'Love the Cock' tour.
 

ned's atomic douchebin: that's actually a picture? I thought someone puked on his arm.

Seriously - how can you tell that's George Washington? I can't make anything out but a sword.
 

Nevermind... i get it... har-har
 

Why why why is a hott like that hanging out with a piece of dirt like this guy?

He's wearing a dopey hat to hide the fact that he's bald, and wearing Bono sunglasses to hide his lazy eye.

He should go back to his role of being the inspiration for every Larry the Cable Guy bit ever written.
 

Gross. Eew. EEW! EEEEEW!!!

More issues present than in the records room of the New York Times.

Please, for all thats holy, please tell me she can do better...
 

The lighting on the vending machines really add depth to the scene. This is definately the classiest laundromat in all of Trenton.

Oldbag is 5'2" tops. Napoleon complex compounded by midlife crisis means this dude is gonna be huffing dog crap mixed with Aqua Velva from a 1972 Pinto muffler in a scant three weeks. Because all the cool kids are doing it.

I don't know how you tie part A to part B there, but it's just the feeling I get.
 

His nursing home held an arts contest and he won Best Dried Arrangement.
 

The scene is set at the bus stop for the deflowering of a young hott in the janitor's closet. That is, once the Cialis kicks in.

Sorry, got to go, bus is here back to Mayberry.
 

I saw a guy who looked like this a few days ago driving to a bar, except he looked like he was about 75 years old. Gold chain, tattoos, white wife-beater and baseball hat on backwards.

I sometimes wonder if anyone down here in Florida grows mentally beyond the age of 16. Have some pride in your appearance people!
 

i wonder if his doctor giggles at his douchiness when he administers his yearly prostate exam. "Looks like were going to have to use 4 fingers today, Bob"
 

Grampa Oompa?
 

vending machines in the background to ad to his douche halo...bowling alley douche?


is that a tattoo or a liver spot on his arm?
 

Old guys are given a pass if their tattoos, camouflage, or dog tags were obtained in the tenure of actual military service.

I'm just pointing out the obvious.

Also, old guys are given a pass on the lingering waft of Old Spice if they actually WERE a sailor in the US Navy and actually DID bang a different woman in every port like in the commercial.

(In that case, I would even let them whistle the Old Spice theme without comment as they walked by.)

If the old guy's tattoo was obtained in PRISON--well, I might not give them a pass but I might still my tongue as it pertains to actual douche eommentary in their presence.

Moving to the present case before us:

1) Stereo ear bling. The only old guy who can get away with this is Mr. Clean.

2) I am not sure if that EVEN IS a tattoo or if he was just broadsided by a Hewlett-Packard delivery truck.

3) Jesus bling? I am not sure if this is acceptable. With the exception of, of course, the profession of priesthood in the Catholic church or one of the Anglican denominations.

4) Wifebeaters on old guys will forever invoke the hairy image of Vic Tayback slinging grits to Alice and ringing the "order up" bell.

5) The hat would probably be acceptable on an old BRUTHA, for instance anyone touring with The Original Kings of Comedy.

6) The tooth whitening was probably a good plan, Pops. So props on that.

7) Lenny Kravitz shades might get a pass if we were witnessing "dining al fresco" but this is the INSIDE a dimly lit bar.

8) The Aquafina was a good choice. You need to regulate your sodium intake; the miracle drug Zocor can only do so much.

9) The hott? I gotta admit I am impressed.

If things work out, however, I would spring for some regressional hypnotherapy so she can explore repressed feelings about her dad not buyinng her a Shetland when she was eight.
 

Dr. Eldon Tyrell? I though Roy Batty pushed his eyeballs into his brain with his thumb...

"I need more Douche, Fucker!"
 

Oh, I was so inundated with minutiae that I forgot to mention: The eyebrow waxing in the present exhibit is CERTAINLY preferable to, for instance, the assault on the senses perpetrated in, "A Couple Minutes with Andy Rooney."

However, it is getting JUST A LITTLE out of hand.
 

Giligan's Island called...they want Mary Anne back
 

Yes, this guy is getting a bit out of hand with the pimpish hat and Jesuss bling. But I am feeling a little bit like letting the oldbags/trouts off the hook.

He does have to swear he'll never wear such a ridiculous get-up ever again. Just rock a Tommy Bahama button-up or a guayabera and slacks and act your age.

Really, I'm not empathic at all. I'm getting up there in years and want to plunge my sword in some young hott too!

Douche on, real American Hero-- Oldbag
 

Mickey Rourke has gone too far this time...
 

The horizontally striped form fitting top, is the most underrated breast enhancement accessory in the female arsenal. Perhaps someone could explain the optical illusion that causes the mind to see yuge TITTIES.
 

Why, this is none other than:

"O.G. Snack Daddy"

Who can be found Pimpin' his Hos near snack machines at all major bus stops across the U.S.A. Pimp on, douche...
 

Apropos of nothing:

I'm noticing a serious dearth of massive juiced-up 'roid 'bags with giant funbag bleeths lately.

what gives?

Bra & his bros on vacation?
 

This 'bag falls somewh gotdammit Orel!

IOB because of your avatar.
 

Aw, Crap!,I'm halfway there
Seriously, this is probably his Granddaughter at the airport or train station.....
He uses this getup to go after the younger women,(the 40-55 set). And, he should stop dressing like this, fer sher. For my own sanity, I have to believe this is his G-daughter. The only way somebody his age would be baggin'her is if he was rich enough to wear Rolex and an Armani suit. And/or they were heading back to his Ferrari after hittin' the shops on Rodeo Drive.
Otherwise, its damn near child abuse.
 

Tom Waits is on tour, Oldbag style, but I doubt any of you fools even knows who he is.
 

@douchetoevsky-

agree that its been a steady stream of cretin/choads. And by stream I mean treatment plant effluent
 

@douche bigalow

skinny, stupid, wigger choads just begin to depress one after a while.



@anon 12:14

i know tom waits, sir, and i can assure you, this douche is no tom waits, fool.
 

@anon

Well, douchetoevsky beat me to the punch. I also know who Tom Waits is, and I know he is no douche.

@darksock

Deckard: He's a douche, isn't he?
Tyrell: I'm impressed. How many questions does it usually take to spot them?
Deckard: I don't get it, Tyrell.
Tyrell: How many questions?
Deckard: Twenty, thirty, cross-referenced.
Tyrell: It took more than a hundred for Old Bag, didn't it?
Deckard: He doesn't know.
Tyrell: He's beginning to suspect, I think.
Deckard: Suspect? How can the douche not know what it is?
 

this guy looks like Tai-Chia when he's older
 

I think Oldbag is actually the result of a horrific "Jackass" accident, when Wee Man and Steve-O collided while being dragged behind Skud missiles fired at opposite ends of a gravel pit.
 

I was gonna let the Tom Waits thing go--but it seems to have justifiably struck a dissonant chord.

If, in fact, knowing who Tom Waits is, is a barometer of intelligence--then every wino at the Union Rescue Mission IS, IN FACT a frustrated genius.

Are there any other independent recording label artists I need to recite the names of before those Mensa guys let me in?

Leon Redbone, perhaps??
 

Yeah, I know who Tom Waits is too dickwad Anon 12:15.


He's the singer of Blink 182. Every douche knows that.
 

This is anon 12:15. re: the original Tom Waits post. I have finally achieved my goal. Getting you idiots to respond to some nonsense I posted.

If anyone wants to come "kick my ass," I live in Houston...more details to follow.
 

AHHHEEEEHHHHEEEEEHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!! Welcome Boils and Ghouls! AHHHEEEEHHHHEEEEEHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!! Like my new hat?

- D.S.
 

Why is a hottie like this with a douchebag like that? I'll be her daddy
 

@ Mr. White

Nice Bladerunner reference!
 

@darksock

"I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. House boats overrun with boatbags off the shoulder of Havasu. I watched Ubiquitous Red Cups glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time... like tears in rain... Time to die, douche."

-haberdouchery
 

Hotts get near abominations for contrast. The more wacked out the douche, the better she will look. She wouldn't look even that good if she were with a group of other hotts or normal guys.. then you would be saying.. Wheres the hott?
 

DUDE! It's like some douchebag shed his douche-skin and the skin got up and bought some jesus bling and a hat!

Nasty!
 

DB1 you stole this pic out of the KKK's fall fashion circular..

You're in truble. Legal type truble.
 

jackflash beat me to the Mary-Anne reference.

This does look like a bus station, there's a guy sitting on the floor behind them, and a Women's Room over her left shoulder.

Which means Mary-Anne is "sending grandpa off on a little trip".

With a one-way bus ticket.

After having him sign over his house and bank account to her.

Good for you, Mary-Anne. Good for you.
 

@anon 12:15

no ass-kicking is necessary.

you already live in Houston which is more suffering than any human should endure.

may Xenu have mercy on your soul
 

Solid kudos to darksock for starting the Blade Runner references. And here I was, ready to phone it in and make a Michael Berryman joke. Bra-fucking-vo.
 

@Baron...

spot on call...that movie scared the living shit out of my young self when it came on SelecTV back in the day....


~shudder~

and my celeb look-alike call would have been some sort of Lou Reed blast.
 

He's not THAT old - he's just been working construction for the past two decades, and now that he's 40, he's lookin' to settle down with MaryAnn. I'd do the same thing in his Nikes. Only, I wouldn't wear Nikes. Or anything else he wears.
 

Shit, I wasn't going to read through all the comments, did the search for Tom Waits and apparently not only has his name been thrown out, but also a beat down has been given to he who brought it forth. There is no possible way to describe Tom Waits as a douche, "Hope That I Don't Fall in Love With You" and "Invitation to the Blues" are in constant rotation in my life.

She is quite lovely, not much that needs to be added other than she might get two tickets to the gun show.
 

Amazing. Everything about that guy screams 20something peckerbag until you see that cancer patient face. "Barkeep, I'll take an Avian with a Rituxin chaser!"
Oh, and a side note, if you are an old guy and want to age gracefully -- please refrain from the "Old Guys Rule" T-shirts. You don't. It's over.
 

He loves botox, Jesus, tanning, shaving his eyebrows, young children and appears to be a D&D Dungeon Master based on the shoulder tatt.

She works the concession counter at Chuck E. Cheese, just got off shift, and is kindly escorting Mr. White Fedora 'Bag away from the pool of plastic balls where he's been leering at the children for the last 3 hours. She's telling him to say "cheese" for the security camera before the cops arrive to incarcerate his leathery hide.
 

Nothing says expensive night out on the town like vending machines. This hot must really think the fella with the double-wide is the shitz.

How hard do you need to work to impress this little MENSA want-a-be?

1. Like New Dodge Dart.
2. Big 'O F*cking Double Wide Trailer.
3. Job mak'n more than $10 per hour!
4. Bucket of Wine.
U R N!
 

Kandi and her stepdad Vince got caught making out in the back by the vending machines. Kandi's little brother Brian took the picture and threatened to show it to mom if Vince didn't buy him a dirt bike.
 

i love how the lens in the glasses matches the orange skin. this is hot.
 

It's Leon, Right? Leon - tell me something about your mother.

My Mother? I'll tell you something about my mother...
 

gymnasts can do the iron cross from the hoops dangling on his elongated earlobes
 

i knew this guy reminded me of someone! eureka!

SWAMPTHING really cleans up douchebagginly.

http://www.gamerevolution.com/images/misc/swampthing.jpg
 

"Do it. DO IT. Nah nah nah nah....DO IT."
 

Are we really sure this guy is pushing it close to his inevitable Tag-scented coffin? Looks like he's probably in his 30's but spent waaayyyy too much time on the sandy shores of Fire Island.
 

Some of you are missing the bigger picture. I was sitting in a restaurant bar waiting for a buddy to get off work. I noticed a guy practically identical to Larry "Bud" Melman with the hottest hott hanging on him. I asked my buddy what the deal was. He said the guy won some multi-million dollar lawsuit and he had a different 18 year old on his arm every time he showed up. According to Larry "Bud", they were usually very high-priced call girls but occasionally he would save some money with hotts who just wanted a trip to the Galleria and a few trinkets.

The moral: leak word that you are loaded and teen hotts will come. Even a troll can get the hotts.
 

(Defense for the douchebag)

he's old.
wearing a wife-beater, and a tilted cowboy-type hat.
stern, vacant expression.
giant faded tatt.

Defense #1.) Perhaps he's actually been dead for more than ten years, which would put any accusation of doucheness beyond the statute of limitations.

Defense #2.) He's in a state of shock, or someone slipped him a mickey, or both.

Defense #3.) He's trying to protect his daughter from real douchebags.
 

Timmy's big night out at Thunder Lanes. He's actually retarded, and she's his caregiver.

In one night, she taught Timmy how to use quarters to get a water from the vending machine AND how to win all those "shinies" in the claw drop.

"Now that's it Timmy. A little to the left. A little more to the left. Back. Back. No, not the purple gnome, the shiny necklace. Go, drop the claw! Yay! You got it! You got it! Now let's see if you can grab those sunglasses. I am so proud of you Timmy. High five!"
 

With all do respect to my fellow elders, I just cannot sit back in my chair and take this particular one remotely serious, not only as an elder, but as a human fucking being. His facial expression cries out superiority due to the pony tailed, and oh so gullible girl wrapping her arm around his shoulders of which appear to be drenched in Sunny delight. He reminds me of an old man (wait, he is!) ..erm..an old man trying to be 400 years younger who would bang out an 18 year old girl on her 18th birthday.

ps - his jaw looks like it was severed and put back together with Elmer's Glue.
 

The douche looks like Toby from The Office. Maybe Pam should have thrown him a bone, he wouldn't have turned out this way.
 

That douche is a dead ringer for Christopher Titus.
 

That douche is a dead ringer for Christopher Titus.