Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Death, Taxes and Criss Angel
In a world of turmoil and change, of environmental chaos and an economy in crisis, it's good to know that some things will always be there.
Grandma, sitting on the porch with a glass of lemonade.
Your dog, Rusty, wagging his tail, when you come home from a hard day of work.
And Criss Angel, leaving a trail of fungal doucheslime on all those within a three foot radius of his scrotal nest.
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The A should be for ASS FACE. Turn the pic sideways and his mouth looks like a Vagina.
# posted by 
: 3:14 PM
: 3:14 PM
Dammit. I don't ever want to see this guy again. Something tells me that if I keep viewing this site, my wishes will not come true.
In his defense, he looks less douchey than normal, but that certainly doesn't excuse the past...
In his defense, he looks less douchey than normal, but that certainly doesn't excuse the past...
Put this douche in his natural habitat (waiting patiently at your doorstep for change as his pizza-delivery Hyundai idles flatulently in your driveway) and her crotch would dry up so quick it would look like an
Arizona lakebed
Arizona lakebed
He is a failure. His circus act in Vegas is failing faster than the planned goverment bailout package.
His bevy of hotts will also start failing as his bank account and noodle goes limp.
Fail.
His bevy of hotts will also start failing as his bank account and noodle goes limp.
Fail.
# posted by : 3:36 PM
: 3:36 PM
He needs to spray some "Ripped Abs" on his funk.
- Adolf
Oh yea, boobies (boobies handled by cretin, ewwww)
Funk Fung
- Adolf
Oh yea, boobies (boobies handled by cretin, ewwww)
Funk Fung
If he hadn't had the proverbial lucky break and made it in show business he'd be like any other inner city greaseball fucking fat ethnic chicks and hanging out at a mechanic's shop after closing time with his buddies drinking beer.
Hey,... that sounds like me....
Hey,... that sounds like me....
And now for my latest trick: I will travel far into the future and return wearing the uniform of what will be called "The Douche Scouts of America"
At least he's lost his giant mutant chinpubes. It was like the dude wanted to date Natalie Portman or something.
The chick is nottahott. Sorry.
The chick is nottahott. Sorry.
# posted by : 4:57 PM
: 4:57 PM
Jeez, can this dickwad be any more of a walking billboard? I mean, I know it's a GIANT leap up from that "Hobo-Chic" he had goin on last year, but fuck me running, I cannot think of a bigger waste of huma....wait..John Mayer.
Okay Criss, you are now a second-rate douche, and a very very smelly one at that. In fact, lookin at the pix of you, it reminds me of something:
Back, back, way back in time (mid-90's) I was employed on a mid-size research vessel outta San Diego. One day I was told we would be cleaning out one of the old tanks on board and expanding our computer lab (the ship was an old Mudboat, and had 2 large tanks under deck that could be filled--we converted one to a lab). Well, I had the auspicious honor of being the first in there. Now mind you, this boat had last hauled mud in the gulf in 1980, and that tank had been sealed since then. I expressed doubts about the inside conditions, and was told to go grab my respirator (a good one too!).
Well, we cracked that hatch, and before I could drop that mask down, all 5 of us standing over that hatch were nearly knocked off our feet...from the stench of 15+ years of fetid, rotting, congealed goo inside. Rotting seaweed, dead sea life, oil-infused mud, saltwater, and diesel. We cleaned a mere 3 buckets of crap outta this 200,000+ gallon tank before tossing in our cookies and the towel. The respirator was ruined and so was our sense of smell for over a week.
So Chriss, I would like to thank you for the memory you so generously brought up. And the bile. You are that smell, incarnate and living.
Okay Criss, you are now a second-rate douche, and a very very smelly one at that. In fact, lookin at the pix of you, it reminds me of something:
Back, back, way back in time (mid-90's) I was employed on a mid-size research vessel outta San Diego. One day I was told we would be cleaning out one of the old tanks on board and expanding our computer lab (the ship was an old Mudboat, and had 2 large tanks under deck that could be filled--we converted one to a lab). Well, I had the auspicious honor of being the first in there. Now mind you, this boat had last hauled mud in the gulf in 1980, and that tank had been sealed since then. I expressed doubts about the inside conditions, and was told to go grab my respirator (a good one too!).
Well, we cracked that hatch, and before I could drop that mask down, all 5 of us standing over that hatch were nearly knocked off our feet...from the stench of 15+ years of fetid, rotting, congealed goo inside. Rotting seaweed, dead sea life, oil-infused mud, saltwater, and diesel. We cleaned a mere 3 buckets of crap outta this 200,000+ gallon tank before tossing in our cookies and the towel. The respirator was ruined and so was our sense of smell for over a week.
So Chriss, I would like to thank you for the memory you so generously brought up. And the bile. You are that smell, incarnate and living.
# posted by : 5:03 PM
: 5:03 PM
SOMEONE CALL THE POLICE!!!! CHRIS GOT MUGGED FOR ALL HIS BLING!!! But seriously, is he on meds or something? I haven't ever seen him sans this much ice.
To the girl, please try harder with your nails, mine would totally blow the pants off you.
To the girl, please try harder with your nails, mine would totally blow the pants off you.
i don't know, it's hard to insult someone who can probably steal your wallet without your knowledge.
i think there is always a certain amount of douchiness involved in being a magician. a large part of the job is showmanship, and many traits that would ordinarily be considered douchey help distract the audience. copperfield, blaine, criss angel...all douches on a certain level. but i think the peacocking helps their craft.
if only all magicians could all be like Gob...
i think there is always a certain amount of douchiness involved in being a magician. a large part of the job is showmanship, and many traits that would ordinarily be considered douchey help distract the audience. copperfield, blaine, criss angel...all douches on a certain level. but i think the peacocking helps their craft.
if only all magicians could all be like Gob...
I hear Hugh Hefner's latest has taken up with Criss Angel. Douche unto others, they say....
# posted by : 6:41 PM
: 6:41 PM
"Did you just squirt me with something?" -Sally Sitwell
"Oh, its just lighter fluid... But where did the lighter fluid come from?!" -Gob Bluth
Thank you BCS, for bringing the memories of such a magnificent show to such a magnificent website.
"I think that the seal with the yellow bow tie might be the one I released into the sea after giving it the taste for mammal blood." -Gob Bluth
-Ponderonymous
"Oh, its just lighter fluid... But where did the lighter fluid come from?!" -Gob Bluth
Thank you BCS, for bringing the memories of such a magnificent show to such a magnificent website.
"I think that the seal with the yellow bow tie might be the one I released into the sea after giving it the taste for mammal blood." -Gob Bluth
-Ponderonymous
# posted by : 7:26 PM
: 7:26 PM
rubberdouchey:
excellent post. I had a job not *quite* that smelly but pretty rank once - so you have my sympathy.
@ pfah has "WHO FARTED?" as his image, and that brings me to this post. I have very little time these days (a colleague is on sabbatical, so I'm teaching 4 (!!!!) classes this semester. One of them a three hour theory lecture course. Yes, I'm a smart fucking idiot...a smart idiot seeking tenure...) so I will be brief:
http://tinyurl.com/3n4tdy
takes you to an article stating that the most recent measurements in the sea north of Siberia indicate a 100x, I repeat in words and bold: a one hundred fold increase in the methane readings. The preliminary conclusion is that the methane clathrates under the arctic ocean are melting and releasing their methane, which has 20x (Twenty Times) the heat trapping ability of Carbon Dioxide.
If this trend continues, we may see a complete meltdown of the arctic clathrates this century, which will acidify the oceans and heat the atmosphere to such an extent in the next few centuries that we may be faced with a near-Permian level extinction event.
That includes us.
Somehow, I don't see Chris Angel engaging these problems or appreciating the import of this research. But he'll have the boobie honey suckle thigh RIGHT THERE, begging for his cock.
That our society will dump as much money in his lap every year of his life as ONE of these infrequent and terrifically important experiments is unconscionable. That American society allows an execrescence like Las Vegas even EXIST and that it becomes the locus of employ for the likes of human skidmarks like Chris Angel is a violation against humanity and nature.
The douchebag and bleeth are the superstructural symbols, the avatars of the death knell of civilisation itself. They are poo exonerated by a poorly educated and badly raised populace who venerate filth. This is the inversion of Marcel Duchamp: He turned a toilet into art - we are in a society where culture is shit.
excellent post. I had a job not *quite* that smelly but pretty rank once - so you have my sympathy.
@ pfah has "WHO FARTED?" as his image, and that brings me to this post. I have very little time these days (a colleague is on sabbatical, so I'm teaching 4 (!!!!) classes this semester. One of them a three hour theory lecture course. Yes, I'm a smart fucking idiot...a smart idiot seeking tenure...) so I will be brief:
http://tinyurl.com/3n4tdy
takes you to an article stating that the most recent measurements in the sea north of Siberia indicate a 100x, I repeat in words and bold: a one hundred fold increase in the methane readings. The preliminary conclusion is that the methane clathrates under the arctic ocean are melting and releasing their methane, which has 20x (Twenty Times) the heat trapping ability of Carbon Dioxide.
If this trend continues, we may see a complete meltdown of the arctic clathrates this century, which will acidify the oceans and heat the atmosphere to such an extent in the next few centuries that we may be faced with a near-Permian level extinction event.
That includes us.
Somehow, I don't see Chris Angel engaging these problems or appreciating the import of this research. But he'll have the boobie honey suckle thigh RIGHT THERE, begging for his cock.
That our society will dump as much money in his lap every year of his life as ONE of these infrequent and terrifically important experiments is unconscionable. That American society allows an execrescence like Las Vegas even EXIST and that it becomes the locus of employ for the likes of human skidmarks like Chris Angel is a violation against humanity and nature.
The douchebag and bleeth are the superstructural symbols, the avatars of the death knell of civilisation itself. They are poo exonerated by a poorly educated and badly raised populace who venerate filth. This is the inversion of Marcel Duchamp: He turned a toilet into art - we are in a society where culture is shit.
I think Criss Angel has perpetual kissy lips. And perpetual douche aura. Notice how even without the bling, chin pubes, and hand gestures he still manages to be a huge douche with a simple 10 degree hat tilt and whatever the fuck that shirt is.
@ Steve Zodiac 7:41
Your words filled me with dread and revulsion for our hideous culture. I weep for future generations that will remember us for things, and I do mean things, like Criss Angel, Nickelback (can we get that guy on here? WTF!) and WWE wrestling.
Once I regained my shaken composure, I put on some Shostakovich and began constructing the death ray with which I will reduce Las Vegas, Disneyworld and Miami Beach to smoking rubble. And then I will kick Criss Angel in the nuts.
Your words filled me with dread and revulsion for our hideous culture. I weep for future generations that will remember us for things, and I do mean things, like Criss Angel, Nickelback (can we get that guy on here? WTF!) and WWE wrestling.
Once I regained my shaken composure, I put on some Shostakovich and began constructing the death ray with which I will reduce Las Vegas, Disneyworld and Miami Beach to smoking rubble. And then I will kick Criss Angel in the nuts.
# posted by : 8:05 PM
: 8:05 PM
@bagnes:
Fuck- that Nickel douche- what a piece of shit!!! He was interviewed in Playboy a few months ago and, as a longtime HCwDB fan, I can honestly say I was more pukified than I have ever been on this site. My e-mail was so filled with vitriol- (you guys would've been proud!) Playboy editorial and I exchanged a few e-mails where they asked me to expound and not just "he's a piece of shit." So I did- at length. I didn't get in but I could tell they thot it was dead-on, even though they didn't (couldn't) officially acknowledge my findings that a bigger piece of dickcheese has never existed. If you haven't seen it, go find the article. What a motherfucker.
Fuck- that Nickel douche- what a piece of shit!!! He was interviewed in Playboy a few months ago and, as a longtime HCwDB fan, I can honestly say I was more pukified than I have ever been on this site. My e-mail was so filled with vitriol- (you guys would've been proud!) Playboy editorial and I exchanged a few e-mails where they asked me to expound and not just "he's a piece of shit." So I did- at length. I didn't get in but I could tell they thot it was dead-on, even though they didn't (couldn't) officially acknowledge my findings that a bigger piece of dickcheese has never existed. If you haven't seen it, go find the article. What a motherfucker.
@steve zodiac......now i have no idea how i will get a decent night's rest. you heartless, intelligent bastard.
All yall hataz bezt stop talkin abour ur economyz and environmentz. that aint what clubbin be about. yahhhhzz i gots my bitches. eats that nerdos!
# posted by : 9:53 PM
: 9:53 PM
To Steve Zodiac,
Christ, how long has that one been festering for? Very well put though, unfortunate and true. Its a problem that has sunk its claws deep into society, though. Prying them loose will take more work than most people are willing to put forth, a manifestation of a societies verneration of garabage and laziness in and of itself. In a very esoteric sense, that is what this site is really addressing, for those who choose to crack the bones to get to the marrow.
-Ponderonymous
Christ, how long has that one been festering for? Very well put though, unfortunate and true. Its a problem that has sunk its claws deep into society, though. Prying them loose will take more work than most people are willing to put forth, a manifestation of a societies verneration of garabage and laziness in and of itself. In a very esoteric sense, that is what this site is really addressing, for those who choose to crack the bones to get to the marrow.
-Ponderonymous
# posted by : 10:31 PM
: 10:31 PM
If the economy crashed all the way into the other side of China (who OWNS our asses now anyways) would Criss Angel still have to be looked at, dealt & be reckoned with?
Its seems like a fair trade..
Its seems like a fair trade..
# posted by : 10:53 PM
: 10:53 PM
Criss Angel being tied to the downfall of our economy and civilization by a number of esteemed colleagues warms my weary eyes.
What a nightcap! Especially, after I slogged through an extra long weekend of meetings and presentations of glorified coloring books.
Brilliant commentary!! Yes, that means you Mr. Zodiac; you crazy little puppet bastard. If I get to fuck my wife tonight one one-hundredth as hard as the polar caps are being fucked then I’ll die a happy, yet cynical man. Maybe the results of my prolific plundering will leave me with more children than Darksock’s abundant quiver… which would suck for me, but hey, it feels good tryin’. I apologize as I summon no intellect at this point whilst the Ambien has taken my mind.
But I hope to return sometime tomorrow after more stupid meetings with some filthy comments and a limerick or two if our Lord and Scrotier DB1 doth see fit…
… Sadly He doth not seem fit as of late.
What a nightcap! Especially, after I slogged through an extra long weekend of meetings and presentations of glorified coloring books.
Brilliant commentary!! Yes, that means you Mr. Zodiac; you crazy little puppet bastard. If I get to fuck my wife tonight one one-hundredth as hard as the polar caps are being fucked then I’ll die a happy, yet cynical man. Maybe the results of my prolific plundering will leave me with more children than Darksock’s abundant quiver… which would suck for me, but hey, it feels good tryin’. I apologize as I summon no intellect at this point whilst the Ambien has taken my mind.
But I hope to return sometime tomorrow after more stupid meetings with some filthy comments and a limerick or two if our Lord and Scrotier DB1 doth see fit…
… Sadly He doth not seem fit as of late.
@ Crucial: That Ambien do take a bite, don't she?
@ Steve: Um, you may be all smart and teacher and shit but I sent your 'theory' to the Republican Research Institute and they said that methane was just baby seal farts. The got a clubbing squad heading up there right now to deal on their little furry asses, right after they're done clubbing Nancy Pelosi for undoing all of McCain's hard work. And by hard work I mean distracting White House photo op.
@ Steve: Um, you may be all smart and teacher and shit but I sent your 'theory' to the Republican Research Institute and they said that methane was just baby seal farts. The got a clubbing squad heading up there right now to deal on their little furry asses, right after they're done clubbing Nancy Pelosi for undoing all of McCain's hard work. And by hard work I mean distracting White House photo op.
i don't think it's odd that there is a 100 fold increase in methane in siberia. plinky's mother recently moved to russia after she heard they were filling pelmeni with real baby meat.
plinky's mom is so fat, her backfat has it's own economic system which is actually doing better than the country's
plinky's mom is so fat she ate my job.
true story.
day 1 of unemployment and douche-mocking freedom and Christopher Sarantakos is still the biggest shit-sucking douchebag in Vegas and that's no small feat.
oh the humanity....
true story.
day 1 of unemployment and douche-mocking freedom and Christopher Sarantakos is still the biggest shit-sucking douchebag in Vegas and that's no small feat.
oh the humanity....
Although Criss ANgel is a monument to douches everywhere. I do have to say that the combination of excessive bling, Affliction gear and Ab lobstering make Chris Angel the perfect douche. Not to mention he is constantly souronded by hotts with nice breasticales and he melts them with magic and utter douchery. If douche was a religion Criss Angel would be like Mosses. If only I knew what kind of body spary he uses....
# posted by : 8:51 AM
: 8:51 AM
poor pity the suckers that see criss angel at the Luxor..hell, poor pity the Luxor's rep.
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