"I respect your mind"

Bwahahahahahaha....such a classic example of poo poetry that's even worse than Vogon prose.
 

He's really upping the douche-game, eh? He must've heard the voting starts soon for the yearlies!!
 

Hey, good to see the 'ol trash can is back!
 

I'd listen to his music if it meant that I could get with Jen!



RUFF!
 

Hey Jen your body is a wonderland ...

I wonder with how many douchebags it's been.
 

The cougar and her prey.
 

I wanna run through the halls of my highschool,
I wanna scream at the top of my lungs ...

"Ha ha fuckers I'm on hotchickswithdouchebags.com and I'm banging one of the friends!"
 

Didn't we already go over this shitbag repeatedly, and already present him with a few celebrity monthlies?

Of course, there can never be enough hating on anything having to do with Friends. That inane shit held this whole fucking country back mentally for at least 8 years. Jennifer, you deserve your skidmark. Happy Holidays.
 

Poo that sings is still poo. Mr. Hankey proves it... but at least he's sort of charming.
 

Mr. Hankey's charming, I mean... not Mayer.
 

After seeing a picture of her in a tabloid with no make-up on, I can only assume that Mayer is gay. Why would a guy with his money and celebrity wake up beside that hag?
 

Folks: let's examine the obvious. Aniston in 40 years old, has a SMOKIN hot bod, more money than Jesus and his brother Larry put together, and YET, AND YET - no one has gone down on a knee begging to be her pony boy / love for all time / let's get old together / let's get married kind of a deal.

You might wonder - wulll, WHY?

And the answer is on the "OFFICE SPACE" DVD - the extra bits, where they interview the cast. The answer is:

JENNIFER ANISTON IS THE MOST BORING WOMAN ON EARTH.

She really truly sucks. She has the personality of grammar school paste. She's a dreary narcissist. Just yuck.

So, it only makes sense that someone so utterly devoid of personality and depth would date the scuzztastic Mayerbag.

It's not that she's a bleeth -far from it - she's 100% healthy, all american saxon mother's girl. But she's a cipher. When god went around giving out lives, she got one, but only sort of, and how she lives in this half light - this dreary bore of a creature.

Kind of sad really.
 

Somewhere out there, are many otherwise nice girls !!!- WHO TOTALLY FUCKING EAT THAT LETTER SHIT UP -!!! and I worry about them, what will happen when they actually do find out who the Mayerbags of the world really are as people.

Sad.


It reminds me of this girl a friend met.

-Who turned out to be a Very Highly-functioning nutcase.

and was only discovered to be so after 5 months of knowing her.
 

I know this is the Minority Report here, but Mayer gets a lifetime nottadouche pass from me. Watch this before you cast your vote.

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/611387370c/makin-music-with-john-mayer-from-john-mayer-judd-apatow-kristen-bell-gerrybednob-ian-roberts-and-cohenobrien
 

@ Troy T

Jen is actually a J. A. P.

an' I wanna suck her boobies

an' he sucks


no, really!

oh, & watching USC song girls on the sideline can give me a boner


true story
 

Out there are any number of really boring men, so assuredly Anniston might hook up with one of them, too.
Or find someone who is the right "body chemistry or smell" for her. She has an eternal girl-woman look about her, maybe it's lack of enough adult female hormones to do the Angelina trick and get preggers. Men want the pheromones.
What bothers me about her/it all is that with today's media madness, all this sort of thing gets speculated on and publicized.
You'd think she might just go formal and do real theatre and serious stuff as an antidote to all the other lifestyle disappointments.
If she had a brain directive.
 

John Mayer is a douchebag. C'mn, it's the whole package deal here: The arm tatts, that neon green sling-suit where he shows off his 'nads and rod but forgets to remove his body hair (arghhh, at least women shave their hair for bikini exposure). The John Waters quote about the bad taste is exquisite. I dunno, if that slingshot suit was in black, would it be any better? It has the appearance of antifreeze.
And guess what, dogs like to lick antifreeze.
 

Er, Rubber Douchey, what IS that strange creature in your avatar?
 

@Troy T.

I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one who watched that Office Space extra. Listening to her mumble unenthusiastically about how great "ensemble work" is not only put me into a sleep, it put me into a coma. I woke up a week later in a pool of my own filth, and it wasn't exciting like it normally is.

Aniston will make any normal human's EEG into a smooth, flat line. Is she hot? Sure, but I imagine having sex with her would be a lot like fucking a Real Doll, except Aniston is less lifelike.
 

Oh I wish I was Oscar* Mayer's weiner..."

*Oscar = John
 

This post has been removed by the author.
 

drunk drunk drunk drunk drunk drunk drunk drunk ... sleep with darksock's mom .. drunk drunk drunk



Guess what I'm doing tonight?!
 

That's a nice belt Jen, did a Chewbacca come with it?
 

@ Whoop-de-douche

err...umm....a hairless cat sittin on a monitor, danglin his nutz for all the world to see. About how I feel towards the general public.
 

@ Bleethal Weapon

Celeb "self-irony" got old even before it got pointless.

So, Mayer's self-aware: his tunes sound rehashed, he mass-produces that kind of safe drivel that appeals to the general demographic, and he (like all celebs) wouldn't know desperation if it drained his gut. So what? It's like Bush admitting he's got the mental prowess of a buffalo, then continuing to ru(i)n the country. Someone should impeach Mayerbag.

Also, 'bags like Mayerbag almost make you respect the likes of Donkey and Fishslap. At least they're open about being out to fuck "quality ass" and tell their skanks straight what's up (if they ever had any doubt about it). But slimebags like Mayerbag wheel and deal, con and coax. They write letters.

Makes me sick. You're a slimepoo.

P.S. The comments are pure bliss.
 

@ Mr. White said...

I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one who watched that Office Space extra. Listening to her mumble unenthusiastically about how great "ensemble work" is not only put me into a sleep, it put me into a coma.
(snip)

Well, I didn't wake up in my own filth. I had quite the opposite reaction. Rage and Disgust. I couldn't believe that after being involved with what was CLEARLY a true work of cinematic art (OK - it's not Tarkovsky, but Tarkovsky never made a comedy...) and after all that - after working on a film that was pointing directly at bottomless maw, the soul-eating pit, the endless comfy death of work in post-industrial America, all she could do is say "mumble ensemble mumble great cast mumble I'm bored with myself mumble I'm an unworthy hack mumble I have all the personality of a turnip mumble blah blah blah."

I wanted to scream at her

"YOU!!! You WORTHLESS STUPID BINT!!! You got paid a MILLION fucking dollars an episode on that worthless piece of crap TV show that epitomised so much of what was completely off the skids with the culture of the 1990s, YOU who spend more on your appearance than I make in a year, YOU!!! You have more money than I will EVER see in my lifetime, and you did it by producing CRAP for the consciousness industry, you contributed NOTHING to the public discourse, and then you act in a film that SCREAMS at the core of the meaninglessness of labour in post industrial capitalism and all you can do is mumble some mealy mouthed BULLSHIT??? YOU ASSHOLE!!! BREEEUAUAAUAAUAGHGGHGHGG!!!! You make me wanna PUKE!!!"

Mr White then noted:

Aniston will make any normal human's EEG into a smooth, flat line. Is she hot? Sure, but I imagine having sex with her would be a lot like fucking a Real Doll, except Aniston is less lifelike.

Exactly. I'd bet some portion of my meft nut she doesn't swallow. Jennifer Aniston is the AntiHott. She's a lovely girl with all the charisma of a dustbunny.
 

Geez.
Go a little easy on her. At least she's still defiantly not wearing the minimum required amount of flair.
 

@Troy:

I've taken to reading your comments in this thread using my best Niles Crane voice.

The effect is simply marvelous.

You're a true hero, sir.
 

I can't hope to match Tory's breakdown of Aniston, but I had an epiphany about Mayer-bag while I was on the can.

I watched about a minute of the video Bleethal Weapon linked to. What I find even more enraging about Mayer-bag is the fact that he wants to be congratulated for understanding "irony" on a 5th-grade level. So congrats, Mayer-bag: You're slightly more intellectually evolved than a turnip. However, this fails to make you cool, or anything remotely resembling an artist. Art costs something: blood, sweat, tears, pain, thought, or any combination thereof. You made your mark by playing tween pop whose sole purpose was to get 12-year-old girls wet. And you succeeded. Now you want to be taken seriously as a "blues" musician now that "serious" music, or what passes for it, has regained some popularity. Sorry, you fail. You're the same as Alanis Morrisette. She was a Canadian tween dance queen when that was popular, and then when Nine Inch Nails and other heavy acts broke, she transitioned into Nine Inch Nails for Girls (Now in Pink!) and/or a really crappy version of Tori Amos. Sorry, Alanis: Tori is actually talented. You and Mayer-bag are both market-chasing whores, not artists. Neither of you have had an original idea in your entire lives. And Morrisette's "singing voice" sounds like a beagle with strep throat.

p.s. For the inevitable counter-argument that Mayer-bag bangs hot chicks, sure. Would I paw and Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jessica Simpson's giant ta-tas like a kitten with a ball of string? Of course. By since every Hollywood starlet he dates have the intellectual capacity of a sack of rocks, I wouldn't spend more time with them than it took to splooge on their backs, steal the money out of their purses, and climb out their bedroom windows, leaving them sticky, broke, and confused. (The last bit, of course, is an homage to Sam Kinison.)
 

Not sure why anyone would be into Jennifer Aniston. Theres so many other chicks out there that are sluttier and have way more substance.
 

Allright, kids, grab a beer, Medusa is about to go off.

I've spent a good deal of time trying to get inside the male mind. I've always been curious about how it works and what makes man tick. I've come to find, for the most part, that anything a man does is more or less motivated by a)getting pussy b)keeping said pussy c)keeping other dudes off his pussy. I realize this is a sweeping generalization, and I certainly don't mean to imply that one reads Sartre solely to get pussy. One talks about reading Sartre to girls in a bar to get pussy, so it can be a means to an end if you want to start making flowcharts and all. Save me the hate mail now, boys. I assure you, the female mind is far more sinister and diabolical. I see nothing wrong with the endless pursuit of pussy. If I were a man, I'd be there on the front lines, readying my stabbin'cabin and praying with every breath to get a piece before the day was over. However, what i do have a problem with is the silly, dishonest, flagrat displays of douchery in order to get the pussy, Mayerbag being the pinnacle of the examples.

With my findings about the inner workings of man, I realize that most things that come out of the mouths of men are filtered through a layer of caution to take the "I want your pussy" out of the phrase so as not to send the girl running for the hills. I'm trying to remember the comedian, I want to say it was Eddie Griffin, please help me out with this one if you know. He was saying that, if you are a woman, anything a man says to you is just to try to get his dick in you. "Can I help you with that door? means, "Can I help you with some dick?" And I believe it. Of course, in the case of DBs, one simply proffers a red cup or dry-humps her or flashes his orange face and head plumage a'la Wild Kingdom, no words necessary as a bleeth wouldn't understand anyway. But then there is the slightly more sophisticated breed of gals, and I say that with a wry grimace, that listens to sods like John Mayer.

The fact that this is a mass letter written to all ladies is insulting in the extreme on that fact alone. He assumes we are all seeking respect and security and all that cuddly stuff. He assumes that we've all been treated like shit, and that he actually cares about our lives and feelings. Sure, this would make the average soccer mom all hot in the crotch of her pleated, relaxed-fit jeans, but not me. No, sir! I see right through it. I will dissect this ridiculous piece of writing, referencing everything with the a. b.and c. points I made in the first paragraph, to show the underlying motive. Then I will offer exact, unfiltered translation of the line itself.

Dear ladies-(a. casting his net wide in order to catch something. TRANSLATION: I will gladly facefuck anyone dumb enough to get excited by this.)

I'd like you all to know how much I respect your Mind (a., and underlined for emphasis. TRANSLATION: Show me your pussy)

and how much I respect your personal values (b., also underlined for emphasis. TRANSLATION: I will drop a load on your forehead and leave you weeping in a pile of wet hotel sheets)

I'm so sorry to hear about your past romatic fallouts (a,b,c, note the use of "sorry" to imply emotion, "romantic" to imply he is after the same. Use of "fallout" as a plural is a clever way of higlighting her failure and drawing her ever further into his web of deceit. TRANSLATION: You fucked-up whore, you NEED me to make your life worth living)

And I want you to know that I am nothing like that guy (c. "nothing" underlined is an attempt to elevate himself above the rest of the herd. TRANSLATION: My cock can split logs and my tongue action will make you speak turkish)

Who treted you like garbage for so long (a. Meyer actually believes he knows what the rest are up to, and he can save us from the hellish cycles we perpetuate. TRANSLATION: I need these bags under my eyes to carry around my own hubris)

Let's get a drink soon (a. loosening her inhibitions. TRANSLATION: You're not worth a dinner tab. Just let me get a few cosmos in you and then I'll pick you up like a six-pack)

I want to hear all about your latest passion-filled endeavors (a. b. Showing an interest in her life implies that he is a solid partner and therefore worth giving it up for. TRANSLATION: I give a flying fuck about your life's story. It's not like you'll be able to talk when I'm teabagging you, anyway.)

I love you (a.b.c. The three words men think we all want to hear, thereby securing an all access pass to Pussyland. In reality, the three little words those of us with any sense of reality want to hear are "get on top".)

So there, Meyerbag. I have punctured your silly irony bubble, seen through your douchey ruse as a lean, mean, love machine. You are a droopy-eyed, slovenly, guitar-humping tool who wouldn't know what to do with a woman that had a shred of dignity, intelligence or self-knowledge. Therefore, you chase the likes of Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Aniston, whose only keys to success are their outer shells, as there is no talent, substance, or intelligence inside to back it up once the bloom is off the rose. Therefore, it seems fitting that a vapid tool like yourself would easily worm your way into their panties and use the tabloid association to further your pointless, unremarkable career. Spare me the blank-faced irony and nonchalance. Every day you awake to live your shallow, pretentious life, the knowledge of who you are tears at your soul like a pack of wild dogs, never tiring, never ceasing. Letters like these are concrete evidence.
 

I like turtles
 

@ medusa

I have a friend who's single. He be smarter than me with a wit dry as a desert and sharp as a sun ray.

I apologize if I'm assuming, but it sounds like you can use some comforting male companionship.

I promise my friend's cool ... he'll only ask for anal sex once or twice.
 

@Medusa, 12:00 p.m. -

Please do this world the biggest favor it has ever seen and clone yourself. Repeatedly. Then replace all the bleeths with said clones.

That will end douchebaggery forever.
 

@ M. O.

it was Chris Rock

"would you like some dick?"

(big grin)
 

@ plinky

lol, thanks. I'm actually ok. Don't mistake my bitterness for loneliness. I'm such a walking contradiction...holding hands and looking tenderly into his eyes while thinking, "You stupid fucking piece of meat. I hate you and all you stand for. Let's cuddle and then I'l bake you a pie, darling." Uh...your friend isn't your former cellie, is it? ;) 'cause I'm a little leery about anal sex, especially if the foreplay is me dropping the soap.

@ wheeze
I had this same discussion with, I believe, douchetoyevsky? I said I'd love to clone myself. It would come from an altruistic spirit of helping all of mankind. However, it would end up with me popping out two clones, and then quitting so I could spirit them away to the playspace I share with Mr. White. There I would engage in a hedonistic, oil-slathered three-way with my two clones, revelling in my own decadence and perversity and sampling myself from every angle possible, while the Orange Peril engulfed the world outside.
 

Yours is not misplaced anger at Mayer by any means, but as a pop musician, the most important thing is publicity.

You can write the greatest music ( for example dada, Jellyfish, Jason Falkner and the like) but if the publicity machine doesn't promote you , you're not going to gain any noteriety, sales.

This is why really talentless people over the ages have become huge . Madonna, Jessica Simpson, Hootie and The Blowfish, Oasis ( the next Beatles, my ass), to name a few owe their success to one, ONE ! A & R guy that pointed the finger of God at them and got the mega-resources behind them.

People will buy whatever is jammed down their throat enough times by the commercial media.

Even I fell for Billy Mays non-stop hectoring of Oxi-Clean as I tried it. Once.

As a musician trying to get a "hit" out there, ANY publicity is good publicity.

I don't begrudge Mayer's success or his banging of vaccuous honeys. On paper , anyway.

He's a douche, but I'd gladly let him record one of my compositions for the payday.
 

While the guy(?) is a douchebag, any chick that looks like Brad Pitts sister is not a hot chick.
 

@ creetch

Ah, damnit!! I could see that silly grin, I just couldn't attatch ti to a face. Blast it. Thank you! I'm trying to find a youtube clip now...
 

@Medusa, 1:56 p.m. -

"There I would engage in a hedonistic, oil-slathered three-way with my two clones....."

Well OK, as long as I get to watch. Either way, I think I'd then believe there's a Heaven. ; )
 

@ Medusa

Contrary to popular belief I never have been, nor hopefully will be, a convict.

I do for some odd reason enjoy the Lockup: Raw series they show on Discovery ID.

Interesting ... bizarre.
 

The difference between Mayer and your average douchebag is that he actually has talent. He is a very accomplished and successful guitarist who has jammed with several of the alltime greats.
 

@ anomymous 2:48

If by "accomplished" you mean "douchey" and by "jammed", you mean "had a swordfight", then, okay.

And I don't mean with real swords, Mayerbag.
 

This post has been removed by the author.
 

@Medusa-
That post at 12:00 made my beer go down reeeeeal easy. (thanks for recommending the beer by the way!)

What amuses me the most is the lengths some Mayer-type douchebags will go to, while thinking they are being highly sensitive and creative. When I was in college, I once had a 'bag read to me aloud from Wuthering Heights, using his most emotive, faux-sensual voice. He must have been trying to score, because what red-blooded man reads Wuthering Heights aloud to a girl? He also used to wear an eyepatch, despite having no ocular injury of any kind (at least not at that time), because he thought it made him look studly - a clear ploy to get laid. I was polite, but I got the hell out of there. Frankly, he would have had much more success if he'd simply said "hello" and purchased me a cheap beer and turned on the TV to the Vandals-Broncos game. You know, if he had been a regular goofy guy.

Because I am a regular goofy gal. And because I really, really like beer.
 

@ anomymous 2:48

He's douchey, but a great rendition of his tune "City Love" at Clapton's '04 Crossroads Blues Festival saved his arse from being considered a fly by night, one hit wonder.
 

@Medusa 12pm: Well Done! Thank you for being 1 of the few girls who doesn't fall for the Mayercrap.

-Any chance you could make an image of that part of your brain and just reformat all the other chicks out there? -Please? (asap!)


Translation:
You are smart. I want your pussy.

Get On Top :D,
-WD
 

So. I've had multiple requests for clones of me. And a request for a brain-reformatting. And off this site, I have had requests to put my brain into a wife/girlfriend of male friends/coworkers. I'm beginning to think I could parlay this into a business venture of sorts. "Brainwash your wife, The Medusa Oblongata way!" And I'll have huge seminars like Robert Kiyosaki. People will line up and pay thirty bucks to hear me talk for three hours. And then they'll pay another fifty for a book and a hundred for CDs and computer programs. Ah. I'll be a kazillionaire. Laundry gimp will do the hoochie-koochie dance for me on the hot sands of Calabria while I pelt him with ice cubes from my virgin mojito and yell, "piu veloce, finocchio!!!"

@ wonkey
I'm not so bitter that a "please" isn't in order now and then. Oh, wait, never mind. "Please" is man-speak for "I'm gonna put two fingers in your ass"

...which reminds me, something funny I heard in on my trip. For whatever reason, 'the shocker' became a topic of conversation, and my friend said something about "giving you the soccer mom." I said, "What's that?" He replied, "One in the front, three in the back." BWAHAHAHAAAA!!!!
 

Geraldo was looking in the wrong vault.
 

Mr DB1!

Wow, you seem pretty wound up about this John Mayer guy. I say you put it to rest because you've probably given him a lot more press coverage in your blog than he would ever really deserve. Perhaps if you ignore him, he'll just go away. But then again...Kid Rock is still around singing the same old crap...

I think you need to move out of southern California before your head explodes from all the db's down there. But then again, if you did, your rage would lessen, and I'd have nothing to read on here!
 

@ anomymous 2:48

Umm....talent? Shut your pie-hole until you are spoken to fuckwit. John Mayer has other people write his pap, and you fucking know it. Talent? He can pluck a few strings. Meh. On the guitar. Oh My God.

"accomplished"? If you know anything about the music industry and why someone is popular, you know talent has nothing to do with it, it's some shmuck inna board room 8 floors higher sittin with 5 other suits, splitting up ad time in different market demographics, PLACING success where they want it.

"Jammed" with all-time greats? You mean, they paid a respected musician to sit in a studio and put a brave face up, watching Mayer struggle to barely do what comes to them without a thought, and hopefully after 47 takes, they have something useable?

Anon, speak when spoken to. And you wull know when you are being spoken to because it will be preceded with the word "bitch".

Bitch, shut up. Do not EVER try to make an excuse for Mayerbag.
 

I couldn't give a shit about either of them.
 

Didn't Mayerbag win a Douchie last year too?