Sunday, November 30, 2008
Ask DB1: The Pictorial 'Bag
---DB1-
A question for you...
In an age of spiritual, moral, and fashion uncertainty, one thing remains constant: digital cameras and their fascinating ability to allow you to see what the hell you look like in any and all given pictures mere seconds after they are taken.
With that in mind, would your expert opinion lead you to conclude that the 'bags race back and forth like orange lightning between the camera and pose in order to achieve maximum captured douchocity? That they have practiced the pose enough times in the mirror to have perfected it, or that their douchi is so centered that they simply radiate the exact amount needed in any and all photographs?
Thank you for your consideration on this perplexing topic.
- J.P.
----
As Baudrillard notes, the spectacle of the digital age has untethered identity by supplanting the real with simulacra.
Our notion of the self fractures into spectral masks of pixelated projection. This primal projection of the psyche predates our technological simulation, as Lacan notes. Seeing ourselves through the eyes of the "other" simply finds amplification in the Facebook/MySpace image race. Our swirling feedback loop of projections upon projections becomes a funhouse mirror of refracted and fractured identities, always rooted in notions of identity, but given room to overwhelm in the media age.
As such, these images become extensions of our corporeal touch. We rescramble spatiality to form kinetic sub-space where we reform as culturally coded and branded entertainment specters. This form of cultural currency as potent as anything Bourdieu described within the social spheres. A radical alterity of self through the prism of the Apple/PC proto-gender binary.
In short, douchebags may be temporarily orange. But boobies are forever.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Celebrity HCwDB of the Month: Aniston and Mayerbag
Al CaDouche writes in with a late season celebrity HCwDB coupling that will vie for a 2008 Douchie next week:
----
DB1 -
I am an amatuer 'bag hunter here in Chicago. I have never written in nor sent in a photo because Chicago is filled with scrote and bleeth. I could go to Wrigleyville every night and expose the world of douche in this city... but frankly I don't have the time nor the SD memory card space required to chronicle the sheer numbers.
Anyway, I open the New York Times on Sunday and was smacked in the grill by a kissy faced Jennifer Aniston. Has hanging on John Mayer's taint turned her into Hollywood Fung? I say yes.
Al CaDouche
----
My distaste for the Mayerbag has a long history. You can read my rants on the douchosity of Mayer here and here.
Recently, Mayerbag penned some irono-cool letter to his ladiez, which you can read here.
Mayerdouche personifies "spectral douchosity." Unlike the clownish Kid Rock, scrotewankery radiates from Mayerbag's soul, not his cap tilt. Although he did get sleeve tatts. This tool is hanging on to his "above it all nonchalance" act, and failing miserably.
You suck, Mayerdouche. Dating Rachel won't save you from that basic truth.
Pass the Turkey
Samir, haven't you learned that you need to use both arms when lifting weights? Not just the left.
Friday, November 28, 2008
Mr. Bra!! Goes to Washington
It's a super-quiet Friday on the site, so in lieu of Friday Thoughts and Links, here's Hall of Scrote legend and 2008 HCwDB of the Year contender, Bra!!
Note Bra!! has ditched both his sexy sorority hotts and his tasty cola beverages, and is celebrating our Supreme Court in Washington, D.C. by busting the proverbial "move."
Bra!! celebrates historic Supreme Court decisions like Douchey vs. Ferguson (1967) and Broheim vs. Board of Education (1955). These important cases paved the way for scrotal choadwanks to pollute hotts free from government discrimination.
As Justice Louis Brandeis famously wrote in 1935: Though we may want to kick scrotal choadmunches in the kneecaps when they headlock a sweet innocent boobie hottie suckle thigh, to do so would rend the fabric of Constitutional rights this country was founded on. Word.
Bra!! is ready for the 2008 Douchie Awards.
They begin December 8th.
Ask DB1: Axe Deodorant
---
Hey DB1,
i have a question i was hoping you could answer for me. Now it is common knowledge that things like Axe and Tag are quite Douchetastic but the question I had for you.
What about Axe deodorant? I have friends who use Axe deodorant, and they are far from douche. I have even used it before. Does the label alone create douche-ocity?
I would really like to know. Thanks for the help and thanks for the site! Keep up the good work, and I'll continue hunting the illusive D-bags.
DanishDouche
----
Beware the Bodyspray.
If it can kill a 12 year old, then it's probably not a solid life choice.
Gobble Gobble
Today is "Black Friday." Apparently this is now a consumption holiday in which we ritualize a market system echo of yesterday's food gorge by spending money on as many discount consumer products as possible.
Within this massive one-day collective purchasing power, we eroticize the acquisition of "product" as social act of self-inscription within larger structures of collective meaning.
But I will not participate in a ritual of spending money. Instead I will mock douches and lust after boobie hotties.
Here goes:
Nice star tats, Carlos Santana's Bodyguard.
Boobies.
Friday Haiku
Post turkey headache,
Hungover. Can only take,
stage-1 douche/hott pair.
Red cup, bikinis,
and fauxhawked douchebags don't mix,
except at parties.
-- Don't wheeze the douche!
Perky co-ed hott
Should be experimenting
But not with this choad
-- Anonymous
"Wow, what's with your hair?
It's standing at attention"
"That means I like you!"
-- Anonymous
It's the third Darren
Magic doesn't twitch her nose
But his poo smell does
-- DarkSock
My drink's spiked with X!
You wanna hit of this, babe?
Hey, my shorts threw up!!!
-- Anonymous
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Happy Thanksgiving
May all your choadwanks be stuffed, and may all your hotts be Elizabeth Banks.
From all of us here at HCwDB, Happy Thanksgiving.
And by all of us, I mean me. Pass the damn stuffing.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Dung
As we head into Thanksgiving, I thought we should collectively contemplate the Dungbag.
Not to be confused with Fung, Dung is that sneaky type of stage 1 or stage 2 'bag. The type without a job who wears guyliner into the bar where he works and reads emo books by candlelight. The type whose pasty ass and stupid pickup lines we all laugh at.
Until he snags Rachel.
The hott of hotts you knew in college. Sweet and funny and making a great salary as a junior executive. The type who cries at Pixar films and laughs at your jokes.
Yet somehow she's dating Dung.
And the world is shaken off-kilter by the smell of uberpoo-osity once again.
Wednesday Limerick
Thanksgiving is just around the corner,
As Tim the Choadstool makes the "Double Horner,"
Kylie Minogue Hott endures,
Sweaty Tim's got clogged pores,
And smells like football's Kurt Warner.
Ask DB1: "The Rockstar Leniency Rule"
----DB1 -
I've been using your blog for my own (and some of my friends', those who get it, anyway) quality entertainment for quite some time now. It's time to contribute something of value.
A friend of mine on FB commented on somebody's photo, and I stumbled on this while browsing the rest of the album. This guy is apparently in a "crunk" rock band. Not sure what that means, but I immediately think of garbage like Buckcherry. Either way, he deserves to be on your site, rock star or not.
And actually, I disagree with your tendency to go lightly on rock and celebri-douches. They deserve as much (if not many times more) bashing as the lesser 'bags who have yet to achieve infamy of any kind. I mean, if you're already famous and have the things you want in life, why be a douche? What purpose does it serve other than warn others to hold their breath as they pass you by? Unless the ways of douche are not merely a tool, but nothing less than the essence of existence for these types, and that, of course, makes celebri-douches all the more ridiculous and mockable.
A friend of mine on FB commented on somebody's photo, and I stumbled on this while browsing the rest of the album. This guy is apparently in a "crunk" rock band. Not sure what that means, but I immediately think of garbage like Buckcherry. Either way, he deserves to be on your site, rock star or not.
And actually, I disagree with your tendency to go lightly on rock and celebri-douches. They deserve as much (if not many times more) bashing as the lesser 'bags who have yet to achieve infamy of any kind. I mean, if you're already famous and have the things you want in life, why be a douche? What purpose does it serve other than warn others to hold their breath as they pass you by? Unless the ways of douche are not merely a tool, but nothing less than the essence of existence for these types, and that, of course, makes celebri-douches all the more ridiculous and mockable.
Cheers,
- BM
----
You bring up an important point, BM, so lets clarify.
The "Rockstar Leniency Rule" merely states that those who achieve a performative douchosity in service of spectacle as it relates to career are given wider latitude to be uberscrote.
This does not mean "exemption." Only leniency.
For example, Gene Simmons of KISS often acts douchey. But that's part of his shtick. Same for many W.W.E. wrestlers. If it's a form of kabuki -- douchery as element of the theatrical -- then we allow some leniency. Otherwise, rockstars can be just as choady as anyone else, and should be mocked accordingly.
----
You bring up an important point, BM, so lets clarify.
The "Rockstar Leniency Rule" merely states that those who achieve a performative douchosity in service of spectacle as it relates to career are given wider latitude to be uberscrote.
This does not mean "exemption." Only leniency.
For example, Gene Simmons of KISS often acts douchey. But that's part of his shtick. Same for many W.W.E. wrestlers. If it's a form of kabuki -- douchery as element of the theatrical -- then we allow some leniency. Otherwise, rockstars can be just as choady as anyone else, and should be mocked accordingly.
The Hardy Boy
Read the latest book in The Hardy Boy series as the Hardy Boy takes on his most challenging mystery yet, in The Case of the Drunken Bleeth.
Coming soon in paperback from Del Rey.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Touch of Grey
Let's see.
Standing near a pouty brunette lightly slapping a blonde's marshmallow.
Making what appears to be a "Half Shocker," or a retarded "Westside" hand gesture with one's hand.
Sneering at the camera and completely ignoring the marshmallow fondle taking place right in front of you.
Add 'em up, son, and you got the Greyson Twins of douchescrotery.
Wookin' Pa Nub
Nub's out of control!! He's snapped Blondie's neck and twisted her arm 180 degrees. Now he's got the suntan lotion and giant yellow lace-less Converse shoes...
Lookout!!
Jerz Ooze
Oh, New Jersey.
Is there nothing you can't poo?
Where's Waldouche? Beachbag Edition
Somewhere in the lineup of healthy, perky coeds at the beach, I've carefully hidden a puka shell wearing, chin pube growing, giant mandanna'd beachbag.
Look closely.
Can you find him?
HCwDB in the News
Filed in the "If You Can't Beat 'Em, Join 'Em" category, The Bellagio held a Hot Chicks with Douchebags book release party last week.
Props to The Bellagio and The Bank for knowing quality when they see it, and to the 'bags who showed up and signed copies. But mostly to the boobie hottie suckle thighs, for being curvy.
Sadly, the Elizabeth Banks clip where she plugged the site on The Tonight Show on Halloween was taken off Hulu. If anyone can find that clip, I'd pay good money to get it up on YouTube. Or, if not money, craven sexual favors involving hamsters, pre-chewed Bubble Yum and a confused Hasidic musician named "Avram" to supply Kazoo accompaniment.
And last week The Onion's A.V. Club reviewed my book in a feature on successful blogs-to-books. Loved the coverage, although they did criticize me for a premise that "wears thin over time." In related news, "Area Man" does something that signifies a small, sad existence, but it's funny in headline form because newspapers don't normally report on the banal. So it's funny. For ten years straight.
Yeah. I don't take kindly to criticism. Unless it's by a hott after coitus. At which point she could curse my ancestors in Swahili and I'd still be humming the theme song to The Beverly Hillbillies.
Yup. The DB1 is rambling.
Time for coffee.
Monday, November 24, 2008
The Earmunch
PIC DELETED
As with any polymorphous perversity, the sexual can be expanded conceptually; expanding into the realm of erotic massage, tantric breathing, and large rubber spandex pelican outfits greased up with Castor oil.
Ear munching combines two sensations. Touch. And grunt-snorting in one's ear at an extremely high decibel. This can be fun in private. But in public, it is the sign of an insecure puddle of yak poo.
Note to Earmunch: If you have to symbolically consume your date in public, it is a ritual gesture of insecurity. We eat that which we fear losing to our competition.
And by eat, I mean tasty Hostess Cupcakes.
As with any polymorphous perversity, the sexual can be expanded conceptually; expanding into the realm of erotic massage, tantric breathing, and large rubber spandex pelican outfits greased up with Castor oil.
Ear munching combines two sensations. Touch. And grunt-snorting in one's ear at an extremely high decibel. This can be fun in private. But in public, it is the sign of an insecure puddle of yak poo.
Note to Earmunch: If you have to symbolically consume your date in public, it is a ritual gesture of insecurity. We eat that which we fear losing to our competition.
And by eat, I mean tasty Hostess Cupcakes.
Poppa Squat
Proving that White Sox Caps and sleeveless vest/t-shirt combos go perfectly with chin pubes, Poppa Squat ignores the lithe blonde trailing behind him in favor of making the "growl face."
You bad, Poppa.
Now put down Ubiquitous Red Cup and back away from the blonde before someone gets hurt.
Caption This Pic
Jenny, Caroline and Susan smell bacon grease.
The Tatt Vortex
There's a certain type of tatted up muscle-t wearing uberbag type we call "The Tatt Vortex."
Like staring into the sun, or jamming raisins up one's nose then gargling with hot sauce, The Tatt Vortex causes Gregorian chanting Nuns in Northumbria to cup-slap autistic penguins.
And if that last sentence seemed a tad non-sequitorious, it's only because Nadja makes me want to glide on one knee down a paper mache protoplasmic jello boobie until I land in the upper thigh area, where I will nuzzle contentedly and wait out the long winter.
Sue-Ellen's Shiny Tool
God damn we need some eye candy after that Bello video.
Sue-Ellen has that delightful entitlement air of the aristocratic Brahmin waiting to inherit Mumsy's fortune while slumming with Ed The Garage Mechanic in the interim. She's the heir to 400 years of hegemony wrapped in Gabanna. Mexicans clear her plates.
Granted, Ed is only a minor tool. Barely a douche.
But I need some blonde white teeth with shoulder suckle worthy of a boobie hottie suckle thigh to cleanse the palette after Bello. And she is that shoulder suckle.
Being DJ Bellovich
You're invited. Step into the portal, enter the brain and see through the eyes of Bello. Aka Bobby Batz. DJ to the stars. MTV Real World hopeful.
Check. Check.
What's that? You never wondered what it's like to be Bello? Then click not, adventurer. For horrors await.
WARNING: Watching this video causes uncontrollable diarrhea in lab rats. It is the Ringu of douche videos. One week after watching, a phone will ring, and you will have an uncontrollable urge to step-dance.
WARNING #2: No, I'm serious. Watch this at your own risk.
WARNING #3: As with most Bello videos, there are no hotts.
WARNING #4: There is a surprise ending. It is uber-poo.
WARNING #5: If you complain after viewing that you're now sterile, hate life and beat up a small orphan boy on the streets of Bangledesh as a result of subsequent video-rage, HCwDB reminds you that you were warned.
WARNING #6: No seriously. It's that bad.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Brothabag Leon Sunday
HCwDB legend, Brothabag Leon, enjoys his Sunday with a paisley mandana, a yellow Ed Hardy shirt, a sad looking mocha hott, and slammin' isotope sideburns.
You go with your bad self, B.L. You're like the pumped up Pop-Tart toaster strudel of cultural invalidation.
The latest cut from "Some Group You've Never Heard of, and Will Never Hear of"
Lets get freaky now?
How about lets learn that the flange on the voice gimmick began and ended with that annoying Cher song.
You tools are up way past your bedtime. How's about returning daddy's car, dropping the sampler and backing slowly away from it before some homies show up and steal your 7-11 gift cards.
Nice appearance of Ubiquitous Red Cup, though.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Rub a Nub Nub
Total douche in the tub.
The Nubster is getting bolder by the hour. But at least he's switched from Mountain Dew jammies to a free Heineken t-shirt.
Broheim!! The sweatband goes above the eyebrows. Not on them.
Saturday Nub
Emerging from his "Where's Waldouche?" hiddenness, Nub makes his move...
EDIT: In the comments threads, Frodouche Baggins finds the stylin' source of Nub's threads.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Fung Friday
Another Friday afternoon. I sit and sip my plastic cup of Night Train, and down another HoHo, and contemplate the singularity that is the Oompa Prompa we call Fung.
Only Fung and DJ Bello may appear on this site without hot chick as counterbalance. Because they are too hilarious not to.
Fung is both Shakesperean and Biblical. By which I mean his iconographic legend is a grand tragedy buried within a narrative we can only glimpse in episodic parable.
But somewhere out there, there are the Douche Sea Scrolls. Once decoded by scholars, the D.S.S. will fill in the missing parts in the story of Fung.
And by missing parts, I mean... nah, that's too easy.
Random links as I clean out the pixel closet:
2007 Douchebag of the Month winner, Mystery, is more like a riddle, wrapped in an enigma, wrapped in fart.
Michael Godard. The pooiest artist since Jasper Johns. Yeah, I'm lookin' at you, Jasper Johns.
He Just Bangs Bitches and Blows his Hair, then Makes the Kissy Lips. Facebook status: "I don't just like Double D's I endorse it."
Tag Bodyspray now has a record label. But have they signed Buckcherry yet?
The MP3 Skull Belt. Douchey? Nerdy? Somewhat hilarious?
Peyton List may be dating a slice of scrotal taint, but secretly she wants to tap-dance on my lower pelvis area wearing only a Robin Hood outfit, stiletto heels and nursing a sickly marsupial she rescued while on vacation in the Australian outback.
The Cat Parable
You know when your cat sneaks into your studio and eats your giant silk-screened Rorschach Test inspired ink blot canvasses, then eats some cat food, then wanders outside and throws up on a girl who looks like Scarlett Johansson?
No? Well now you do.
That being said, this dude almost earns a nottadouche for lack of poseur "gangsta" demeanor. No hand gestures. Hair generally under control.
What say you? Should we forgive the tattedness and give the dude a pass?
Friday Tonguedouche
Here's a little rank spew of Tonguedouche cohabitating in land of the four delicious, tasty, and bouncy Palm Frond Hotts to fire you up on a Friday.
Displaying the rare and unholy "Double Thumbs Up + Tongue" move, this Tonguedouche laughs in the face of a Godless universe.
He argues for a paradigm that allows Tonguescrote existence to deny all of human achievement in one spittle filled gesture of poo.
If this doesn't get our collective heads to sever in half, 13 Ghosts style, then I don't know what will.
Where's Waldouche? Nub Edition
Somewhere in this lineup of sultry, tasty Pink Sorority Champagne Hotts, I've carefully hidden a Nub.
Look closely.
Can you find him?
Friday Haiku
Ed Hardy's Turd Squat,
Grabs lime green Hoochie Hotma,
Who just quit Denny's.
After school lets out
Shop teacher dresses up "cool"
Tries to lathe some skanks
-- Mr. White
takes short bus to club,
not a pro like donkey douche,
nice toeless kneesocks.
- 'bag lanta
Now that it's harvest
Let's turn this 'bag upside down
And use for a plow.
-- Crucial Head
his neck has vanished
replaced by excessive chin
she is soylent green
-- paper or plastic?
It took him all day
To blow up his new sex doll
He still got turned down
- plinky
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Snickers McFlurry
----Hi DB1,
This summer on the way to Lake Elsinore to wakeboard (a hotbed for bag spotting in and of itself) we stopped at McDonalds to drown our hangovers in french fry & hashbrown oil. I noticed an advertisement for the "Snickers McFlurry."
At first, I thought it sounded like something a pornstar would name his pet. Upon further consideration, I think it is a good name for a douchebag. I'm picturing some kind of ski scrote or something, wearing ironic neon and a headband? You're the brains behind this operation, what do you think?
Ciao,
Bad Kitty
Newport Beach
----
Here you go. One HCwDB Snickers McFlurry.
To go.
The Douchestral Cycle II
From D.C.'s MySpace page:
----
"Well...well..well... the pictures on this page.. just about sum it up for my intrests..............there is a reason that my ancestors wrote the kama sutra.......ha ha ha...for those of you that are did not get it....going out..having fun...the pursuit of life....liberty and fun.......thats my intrests."
----
As Homi Bhabha observes, Western frameworks of colonialism fractured notions of the self among the occupied, yet maintained a complexity of interplay outside of reductive binaries. This cultural hierarchy utilized narratives to impose erasure, but also opened space for subaltern ideological challenge.
Or, to put it another way, his douchitude is the active response of reclaimation of the self utilizing the douchal tropes of the "other."
That being said, even Gandhi knows this guy is a huge water sack of poo.
The Blob II: Jerz Ooze
I always had a huge thing for actress Shawnee Smith since I saw her in the genius that was The Blob remake when I was a kid back in 1988.
This is not Shawnee. But she brings back fond memories, and with a dash of Andie McDowell. Nice.
And he is classic Jerz Ooze. Creepy. Bubbly. With a vague scent of Aqua Velva mixing with week old sweatsock.
Breaking: Marissa Miller Turning into Douchebaguette
We've been tracking the celeb HCwDB pairing of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit model Marissa Miller and her husband, Ass Pimple, on the site for awhile now, as seen here, here and here.
This is a tragic warning as to what happens when hott commingles near faux-scrote for any extended length of time.
That being said, I'd brave the talons of a pen of hungry chickens in outer Montana just for the chance to briefly fondle the used kleenex left behind by her temperamental rural cousin, Gertrude.
The 2008 Douchies: The Nominees Are...
The 2008 Douchies are coming. December 8th.
Still a couple of weeks away. But here's where I need your help.
The Douchies work over a two week period. Each day a different category is voted on, while the Monthly finalists are broken up into sub-finals groups of three each. The three sub-group winners go on to the final vote, HCwDB of the Year.
But the other categories still need nominees. That's where you come in.
Help me narrow down the field and sort out the hott-wheat from the douche-chaff. Here's the current list of categories in which nominees are still open:
Hottest Hott
Best Golden Globes
Smells Like Poo
Most Expensive First Date Hott
Douchiest Hair
Douchiest Facial Expression
Most Annoying 'Bagling
The Ricky (aka "Douchiest Everybag")
Greatest Crisis of Modernity
Hottest Girl-Next-Door Hott
Most Innovative New 'Bag Maneuver
Most Likely to be Part of the Permanent Collection of the Guggenheim in 2023
Clearest Proof of Natural Selection
Best 'Bag Hunter of the Year (Comments Threads)
Best 'Bag Huntress of the Year (Comments Threads)
Douchiest TV Show of the Year
Douchiest HCwDB Celebrity Couple of the Year
Help me out. Which pics deserve recognition? And by recognition, I mean spew.
List your nominees in the comments threads. Or if you need more time, return to this thread when you have time to sort through.
I'll be taking suggestions right up until we start. And what a glorious, half-drunk Awards Show this will be.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Sir Sucks-a-Lot
There so much wrong in this pic of Sir Sucks-a-Lot mugging a Taylor Dayne cutie, one hardly knows where to begin.
But lets start with that tie.
Ask DB1: Dating a Bleeth
----Dear DB1,
For the last few months I have been hanging out with this girl from work. She is very attractive, smart, and independent. Needless to say, I'm very attracted to this hottie.
However, there is a small problem. Recently, she started "bleething" ever so slightly. Hanging out with rockstar wannabe guys and slowly turning into a douchebaguette.
I'm in a Catch-22 situation here DB1. Either I let her go into the douche abyss, or...I try to keep her from the dark side. Is she worth saving?
In need of your guidance,
LL E-Dogg
---
Whether or not to attempt to pull a hott back from the dark descent into douchescrotewankpooery must be determined on a case by case basis, LLED.
Certain permutations offer hope. For instance, if she flashes gang signs but has not yet started to make sneery facial gestures, there is potential redemption. But if she wears giant D&G sunglasses, snaps gum, and screams "Wooo!" whenever she hears a Katy Perry song, there is no hope and you must move on.
Caption This Pic
Dad, would you mind if we skipped Parents Day on campus this semester?
Hypothetical HCwDB of the Week: Hate Assberry
While we didn't do a Weekly vote this week, I think it's a safe bet that Hate Assberry and his variety of PTP bar hotts would've had a solid shot at winning.
Note the sleeveless white dress shirt Hate's bustin' out while Kanye sings on the teevee.
They also found the actor cast to play "Young Ponch" in the J.J. Abrams directed "CHiPs" reboot.
Blondie is trampy sexy in all the right ways. She probably speaks in an annoying nasal voice, but I would suffer through her vague plans to go back to technical school just for the opportunity to stare at her boobs while she fiddled with her Long Island Iced Tea straw.
The Point
There's a point to this picture, I just can't figure out what it is.
Haha, because point means... ah nevermind.
I'm getting a coffee.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Tonguey McCooties
Okay, we need a chaser after that five part shower mugging. So here's Tonguey McCooties.
Yeah, I know. Not the cleverest name. But I just had three PBRs and half a box of Lil' Debbie Snack Cakes. So bear with.
I loved that hair the first time around. When it was killing hot chicks in Creepshow II.
Oh sweet Mamacita.
Beware the Tongue Cooties.
Doucheclowns in the Shower, Pt. 5
Properly inebriated, the Alpha Doucheclown maneuvers Green Bikini Hott into an underpass, where boob nuzzling can occur.
And a nation weeps.
Another HCwDB coupling has found union.
And yet, we can find redress for our grievance.
By mocking.
Doucheclowns in the Shower, Pt. 4
Alone at last, Alpha Doucheclown moves in for the bite. Notice the mandana still perfectly in place.
GBH seems drunk and confused. Her resistance is down...
Doucheclowns in the Shower, Pt. 3
Post-showered yet pre-bodysprayed, the Doucheclowns prance about, circling their prey.
Note Beta Doucheclown makes his kissy move, while Green Bikini Hott displays her perfectly formed humpty hump.
Alpha Doucheclown watches nervously, warily holding onto GBH's wrist to prevent too much bumper display in front of Beta 'Bag.
What will happen in Part 4?...
Doucheclowns in the Shower, Pt. 2
Part 2 reveals the scrum growing tighter. Baseball cap is now in the shower, as the hats tilt back, the hand gestures grow more faux-gangsta, and one clown moves in for the ass-bite.
Ass-bite Doucheclown is the Alpha 'Bag.
In Part 3, while the Beta 'Bags become distracted, Alpha Doucheclown will move in for the kill...
Doucheclowns in the Shower, Pt. 1
Part 1 of a five part series examining the primitive natural habitats of doucheclowns on the hunt of a green bikini hott.
Notice the key givaways as the douchescrum gathers:
1. Shaved pits on 'bags
2. Giant mandanas in the shower
3. Drunk hotts in state of confusion
Up next: How the scrotewanks position themselves groin-first towards Green Bikini Hott...
Monday, November 17, 2008
Xenu Laughs at You
Alien taint warlord from the planet Alpha Scroturion Five, HCwDB legend, Xenu, laughs at mere mortals who attempt to douche it up in the presence of a hot.
Only Xenu can pollute the boobie hottie suckle thigh with transcendental clarity tests and weird auditing classes, and while wearing a silk dickie.
Heidi and the Orange Popsicle
Note the Popsicle's tentative "hang loose" gesture." There is an awkwardness to his gait. As if he is trying on the California Douche, yet hasn't learned to evoke the higher portents of scrotal taint.
Meanwhile, Heidi has transitioned into her late 20s early young MILF stage with firm thighs and sunny disposition.
She would discipline me with a fly swatter and a large vat of warm Crisco, and then whip up some french toast for breakfast the next morning.
Jailbait with Baldwinbag
I believe that's the Chinese sign for "Frank Stallone."
As to Miley Cyrus, you are under age, so I will simply note that Vegas oddsmakers are pulling for you to make the "Jennifer Love Hewitt Expansion" around your 18th birthday, and have you at 3:1 to do so.
We can't have another Blossom on our hands. That traumatized an entire generation in the early 1990s.
"Cooties Are Real"
Once, when I was walking down the street, I heard a strange young voice cry out to me.
"Cooties are real."
I stopped and turned. I was standing by a schoolyard during recess.
A young girl, maybe nine or ten, stared at me through the fence. Her eyes had the fixed gaze of someone offering a somber and life-changing warning.
"What's that?" I asked.
"Cooties are real."
She repeated her intonation in the hushed whisper of revealing a tragic, yet important, well guarded secret.
I wasn't sure how to respond. Which cooties? And how did she know they were real?
Then the girl handed me a small, folded picture, through the black chain-link fence. As soon as I had it in my grasp, she turned to run off and play with the other children.
I turned over the folded picture and opened it.
It was these two beachgoing choadwanks, and their Bleethed out ladies.
It was true. The girl was right. I had to spread the word.
Cooties are real.
Reader Mail: The Photobag
gian writes in from Italy:----
Dear DB1,
i was watching this sweet croationa volleyball's team photos when suddenly i was stuck with this orrendus pic featuring this uber scrote and these delicious hot....
ciao
Gian Douche
----
Ah yes, the Photobag.
Those pseudo-artistic pretentious choadwanks who pretend to be "artists" to get the young hotts to pose for them. Who talk about how they just do publicity and advertising to "pay the bills" while they put their gallery show together.
With long lenses most phallic, we must mock the Photobags for being the gum snapping asswipes they are.
And if we get to stare at Croatian Volleyball Leg Hottness along the way, think of it as cosmic reward.
Caption This Pic
No Weekly, as your humble narrator is digging through the year's pics and starting to put together the categories for the 2008 Douchie Awards.
Instead, here's a Caption This Pic that is totally up to you. Figure this mess out with hilarious reparte and savage wit in the comments thread.
EDIT: And here are a few:
The pubic lice formed their formidable battle phalanx and began their relentless assault on Gurn Blanston's asshole. (darksock)
You are here. And you will regret it in the morning. (massengill)
Scungilli Sammy got tired of yelling "Yo, check this out" in noisy nightclubs. (scrotunda)
I'm with stupid. (neil)
I'm with tiny (anonymous)
Due to the economic downturn, Olaf was unable to afford a real GPS. So he had to resort to alternative methods of telling which way was south. (anonymous)
Sunday, November 16, 2008
The 2008 Douchies
Yup.
Los Angeles may be on fire, but that won't stop us. It's almost that time.
The 2008 Douchies.
Starting December 8th.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Ask DB1: The Douchestral Cycle
----Douchebag1,
As a long fan of the site I have been pondering the different levels of douche. Some guys are stage 1, 2, 3, or 4 'bags all of the time.
However, I also think there is a different kind of bag in which the person in question is not a bag a lot of the time, but at certain times of the month is a gigantic douche. Perhaps some bags are on a douchestrual cycle akin to the female menstrual cycle? What are your thoughts on this?
Jurassic Douche
----
Absolutely correct, J.D. Nicolaus Copernicus first observed this oscillation in 1539 with the publication of De Revolutionibus Orbium Douchestium,, translated roughly as "The Smelly Poo 'Bags of Prussia Need to Be Smacked with a Rubber Chicken."
Unfortunately, such cyclical swings in hottie/douchey manifest cannot be predicted. They can only be mocked. From a safe distance.
Lila's Alzados II
Brian Earlicker's football blocking hott, a co-HCwDB of the Week winner, seems to have found herself getting crushed between two stage-2 overly developed grease-feet. They're not the worst 'bags we've seen, but they're definitely scroadmunch.
Check off the douchetributes:
1. Pumped up Faux.
2. Leather Wrist-Strap
3. Undies Poke
And note the classic 'bag sandwich formation. A tasty slice of tomato hott crushed between two moldy olive loafs. Enough to make me skip lunch.
But the Alzadoes seem to be singing an operatic aria. Just for me. How thoughtful.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Friday Thoughts and Links
Sometimes all one can ask for in life is that a skinny punk-ass doucheclown gets rolled on his way to the parking lot at 4am. Let it happen to this guy. I don't ask for much, Ganesh.
Random links as I clear out the pixel closet on a Friday:
Next generation trashbags.
Dear God, won't somebody please think of the children??
Day 2 of Fun Fun Fun Fest at Waterloo Park
Peyton List wants to pelt my lower back area with assorted Dunkin' Donuts donut holes, then quietly lick off the sugar glaze residue while juggling hamsters and humming the theme to The Dirty Dozen.
And finally, the man who does not breathe the same air that you or I breathe, the man who is a Pharaoh, He Just Bangs Bitches and Makes the Shocker.
It was another great week of curvy suckle thigh and punch-worthy assclownage. Thanks to all the 'bag hunters who took the time to send in pics and/or emails.
Your humble narrator on our journey through the collective boobie/douchey unconscious, DBJung, is off to get drunk on cheap beer, slur my words, and hit on that bartender at The Well.
And she'll pretend to like me. And I'll over-tip.
More updates from a post-hungover DB1 in the morning.
Justin Timberhead
He's bringing sexy back.
To the greater Long Island Sephardic Network's community dance "Ladiez Night."
Eurobag #294
This is standard issue Eurodouche, Mediterranean style.
The kind they hand out at the airport in Antwerp with a free dusseldorf rucksack and a can of Nutella. Named "Pietro" or "Antonio."
The kind who thinks happy Colorado U. grads like Brenda will fall for his accent and tales of summer chalets and yachting on the Tyrrhenian Sea near Napoli.
Don't fall for the Eurobag con, Brenda!
I'll be right there. To save you.
To take you back to my hotel room. Where I'll pass out watching Sportscenter and you'll order a cheeseburger from Room Service.
Suburban White Thugz 4 Eva
You go with your bad self, Brandon. The streets of Westport, Connecticut now know who's bad. You. You bad.
Poor tiny Susan.
Slightly perplexed. Wondering if cut-off Daisy Dukes are really as gangsta as Brandon keeps telling her they are.
Friday Haiku
Hate Assberry hopes,
Tatts will bring the record deal.
Mom didn't hug much.
You may stroke my hair
Even fondle my hottness
Just kill that damn smell
-- the desert douchehunter
Henna tattoos are
Sometimes cool to look at but
Not when it's on poo.
-- Holbrooks Douchestershire Sauce
hate is a strong word
but in this case, i say that
hate is a big turd
-- bcs
Hate is the feeling
I feel for this tattooed douche
Fathers, hide your daughters
-- the douche abides
Ian Curtis Lite
Starts a famous cover band
Soy Milk Division
-- mr. white
Failed at Pizza Hut,
So off to the tattoo parlor
and bass guitar store.
-- darksock
Thursday, November 13, 2008
The Presidential Shocker
Two in the Bush, one in the Cheney.
Hate Assberry
You can just see the look in Kimmy's eyes.
That faint flicker of nausea that says, "It sucks being Paid to Pose with tatted up assclowns, but it still beats working at Hooters."
I hear ya, Kimmy.
I hear ya.
Sea Swamp
I stepped in a sea swamp of smashpooery. A slimy, slippy surging tidal flood of wankscrotiforousness.
Mandanas and tatts absconding with the last vestiges of my humanity.
Lost Bleethed hotts drifting on the solar winds in search of habitat.
Alas amidst the Woo Hotties lost to the rejects from the casting call for Saved By The Bell: The Unemployed Years, I spy a shoulder.
A shoulder of suckle-worthy suckle-worthiness.
And even Thumbs Up Kissy Mouth couldn't swamp the sea ever-more.
For shoulder suckle is like boobie hottie suckle thigh.
It provides hope in a sea of anemone pee.
Twinbags Ride On
PIC DELETED
Ah yes. The legendary Twin 'Bags.
Limo riding crusaders for all that is identically scrote.
We've seen many other douchal zygote splits (both literal and figurative) on the site. Last month's Flame Twins. The Finger Twins. Hall of Scrote legends, The Stereodouchtonic Twins. The Fungus Twins. The Canker Twins and Twin Kravitz.
While we're at it, lets not forget the classic discobag twins, The BeeGees.
And Jeremy Irons and Jeremy Irons in Dead Ringers. Yeah, I'm going with Cronenberg references again. Because it's Thursday. I'm out of PBR. I just drank a Capri Sun box drink that's been in my fridge for over a year. It's sunny. And my carpet smells like Cheetos.
Ah yes. The legendary Twin 'Bags.
Limo riding crusaders for all that is identically scrote.
We've seen many other douchal zygote splits (both literal and figurative) on the site. Last month's Flame Twins. The Finger Twins. Hall of Scrote legends, The Stereodouchtonic Twins. The Fungus Twins. The Canker Twins and Twin Kravitz.
While we're at it, lets not forget the classic discobag twins, The BeeGees.
And Jeremy Irons and Jeremy Irons in Dead Ringers. Yeah, I'm going with Cronenberg references again. Because it's Thursday. I'm out of PBR. I just drank a Capri Sun box drink that's been in my fridge for over a year. It's sunny. And my carpet smells like Cheetos.
Caption This Pic
When Antranik told Jenny and Suzie he wanted to "teach them some Armenian hand gestures," they smiled, and nodded politely.
The Furry Furry Douchewank
Oh Furry Furry clownish, Furry Furry D,
You really should be an ass kickee,
With hand gesture annoying, a wannabe O.G,
And smug punchable douche face, I fart at thee.
Oh Pouty Brunette with pokey pale Cleavite,
And an awkward best friend, with a slight overbite,
I'd buy you a lemon drop, and listen to your plight,
And then rub talcum powder on your kneecaps in a soft, yet awkward, counter-clockwise motion.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Foglizard's "Douchebags"
A band called Foglizard has put together just about the greatest stoner tribute song/video in honor of the site I could hope for.
Well done, boys. I have only one question. Whither the hott chick? Surely she earns a lyric or two for her poor life choices.
Scrotology in America II
The greatness of America lies not in being more enlightened than any other nation, but rather in her ability to mock the hell out of t-shirt tatt wearing self-picture taking choadwanks.
-- Alexis de Tocqueville, 1835
Aquapoo
No, you see, underwear parties are where we get to see the ladies in fruffy negligees, Aquapoo.
Not you.
Now please return your excess forehead at the front desk. We recycle.
He Just Bangs Bitches and Is Going to be Treated Like a Pharaoh
HCwDB Monthly winner and Hall of Scrote legend, He Just Bangs Bitches and Drinks welcomes Samurai Scrote to the Yearly with a burst of linguistic tone-poetry on his Facebook page:
----
I wasn't born to work.
Other people were born to do what I want them to do.
A single hour of my life is worth more than a whole year of a person's.
I don't breathe what you breathe.
We are not the same.
I'm not going to work a 9 to 5 and then come back home and have bills to pay with tons of debt from a $400k house that will take me 20 years to pay off. I sure as hell ain't living in an apartment either. People WILL build my 20 bedroom, 8 bathroom, 8 garage MANSION, and they WILL love doing it.
This way I shall have MY time to do the things that matter as I leverage others' times to do things that I want them to do.
I'm going to be treated like a PHARAOH and people WILL love slaving themselves to my demands.
Activities: Anything I want to do...
Interests: I'm not here to make friends..I'm here to f@#k bitches and get money.
----
Ladies and gentlemen, the Marcel Proust of our time.
HCwDB of the Month: Samurai Scrote
Perhaps it was preordained in The Book of the 'Bag:
Upon 'ere betwixt November and December, there shall rise a Samurai Scrote to rule the Monthly, and fondle a lithe popsicle hott with preternatural calm.
The votes have been counted. And yes, I really did count them. I did not assume an S.S. win. But the Sam was too strong, and did dominate.
clementine of cappadoucha: He is Kihon Douchebag, His yin is choad and he yangs of smeg. There is no beginning, there is no end. Little old men in South East Asia ponder his wankiness to release Taiji energies. I ponder his hottie. Samurai means "To Serve" in Japanese, and he serves poo. Samurai FTW.
captain abag: Samurai Scrote. He is lord of the understated douches.
anonymous: When climbing the mountain of poo to ask the chosen one "Which one should I vote for?" he said, "Grasshoppper, close your eyes and experience the douchness. Only when the doucheness enters your mind and cannot be eradicated can you make the proper choice." After many days I cannot get the image of a Napoleonic, mandana-wearing samurai out of my head. And besides, even though his hott doesn't have the funbags of the others, I would strangle baby otters with Shamwows just to pick the lint out of the drier used to dry her underwear. The Samurai it is.
anonymous: samurai scrote makes my blood boil.
douchetoevsky: rock beats scissors, paper beats rock, phils beat rays, samurai scrote destroys shiva, and laughs mockingly at the mere mortals who dare stand against him in opposition, wee wee wee all the way home.
paper or plastic?: Much like a recent election of lesser consequence, the results of this monthly will be celebrated on a global scale and usher in a new douche order. Samurai in a landslide.
douchepac shakur: Samurai Scrote is subtle. Samurai Scrote is genuine. Samurai Scrote is rage. Samurai Scrote is Monthly.
jonezy: samurai scrote because he is the everyman's douche. There is a samurai scrote in all of us- we are all one, yet all of us are douchey in our own singularity. Like a katana blade to the face, Samurai Scrote slashes deep beyond my flesh and reveals the true nature of douche within me.
crucial head: I was once a non-believer in Şǻmǚřǽ Ŝcrœtə. An infidel, if you will. My miniscule mind simply could not comprehend the possibility of a power that exceeded the limits of rational consciousness. But alas, dear brothers and sisters, those foolish thoughts were vanquished the night Şậmΰѓǽ ♀♂ made a personal visit to my bedroom.
The non-disclosure agreement Ŝαmu®åï made me sign renders most of the details from that night moot. But, I have been mercifully allowed to say that it involved bacon grease, a rack of lamb and a lamp. When all was said and done, I had asked the §äмứѓǽ into my heart and he had washed me free of all doubt.
Well said, S.S. voters. And many more excellent comments can be found in the comments thread. But Chumlee found a small but dedicated scrum of voters who cast their lot his way. notadouche explains Chum and Beatrice's dual power:
At first I didn't think Chumlee was that bad. I didn't even vote for him in the weekly. But as I stare at those round, magnificent funbags. . . my gaze slides over to the poo that is his face and I can feel it. There is an almost indefinable ick about the poo that is Chumlee. He taunts me with his smug expression. For that I hope he is roasted alive by African Pygmies. Yes, Pygmies. Also, I would push over someone's grandmother (not my own, who do you think I am??) for the chance to place hottie's bra in its washer safe ball before laundry time.
I have also pushed grandmothers, N.D., so I can relate. The Red Baghunter Manfred Freiherr von Douchehofen agrees:
Sure, I wanna strangle SS with his thin leather 80's tie.
Sure, I wish Brian Urlacher would plant his face mask right on the shaved chest of Earlicker and brake him in halves.
None of those two is as rage inspiring as Chumlee. Douche hand gesture #469 just teases you into wanting to place your fist right between his index and middle finger and set his hood on fire. Also his Hott boobies the hot out of the other boobies.
The rage of the hood + boobies of boobies is a noteworthy combo, RB. But amanda brings the female 'bag hunting perspective, to cast in for Sisqo Nose Tentacle Douche, The Last Dragon:
Last Dragon. The white mildewed hair alone propels him into DouchePantheon status but the laser-snot-kryptonite-titty-mauling elevates him into a realm all his own.
But it is S.S. for the Monthly and the last slot in the Yearly. zen wizard sums it up:
Samurai Scrote scores "less is more" points for the bizarre choice of mandana and indoor shades (plus bonus 5-o'clock shadow) for what appears to be a semi-formal event somewhere.
He is the Frank Lloyd Wright of douche.
Samurai Scrote reportedly inspired Ayn Rand to write a soft-core erotic novel that became misunderstood as a political treatise in the 1950s. You may know it as Atlas Douched.
See you in the yearly, S.S.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Scrotocracy in America
As the French political thinker Alexis de Tocqueville remarked upon journeying through America in 1855:
Still, as the persevering enemy of douchebaggism everywhere, and under all its forms, I am pained and astonished by the fact that the freest people in the world is, at the present time, almost the only one among civilized nations which yet maintains douchey-ass tatt-shirts; and that this scrotedom is done in presence of drunk hotts in red bustiers suggests a more profound ass kicking is needed than 'ere I had believed.
Tocqueville knew what was up.
Name That 'Bag
Here's where you get to chime in and identify the exact strain of scrotal taint occupying proximity next to angelic, if a tad skinny, Porcelain Hott.
Bugbag?
Robobag?
Insectiscrote?
I can't decide. Help me tag this 'bag in the comments thread.
EDIT: d. baggins v2.0 wins with "Mick Bagger"
Nicely done, all. I need to do more of these.
Kissyface Nelson
Pink Pop and Kissy Lips are two of the nine key douchal identifiers that I describe in my book. In concert with Nike douche-band and unbuttoned shirt, they amplify the wreckage to a state of supreme poo.
And note Ubiquitous Red Cup. Watching. Always watching.
Poor Ni-Moon. The South Korean summer program to the States sounded so exciting in the brochure.
The Sports Bra
Is it me or are the tighty muscle-ts beginning to resemble sports bras?
Nice smug douche-sneer, Frank. Sure Kimmy just turned 19, and the Sorority trip to Vegas is "like, bitchin'." But that doesn't mean you have to apply the choke-headlock "embrace" so she can't easily escape.
Kimmy's belly pooch is crying out for me to recite W.H. Auden poetry above it, and then nibble on its softness like a caffeinated hedgehog on paint thinner.
Reader Mail: 'Bags with Sunglasses Are Old
PIC DELETED
Clubgoing party girl Mo writes in:
----
DB1-
Have you ever noticed that douchebags usually wear shades at night and at clubs. The douchebag guys I know do this 'cause they're way over 30 and have crows feet from all the partying. They want to maintain their youth and attract young naive girls. So, they wear dark shades to hide their eyes and crows feet. What's sad is that the young 18-25 year old girls actually believe these guys are around their age. Gross!
- Mo
----
Gross indeed, Mo. Gross, indeed.
Guys in their early 30s should definitely not chase 18-25 year old girls. I must go now and drink, and quietly weep in my Guinness.
Clubgoing party girl Mo writes in:
----
DB1-
Have you ever noticed that douchebags usually wear shades at night and at clubs. The douchebag guys I know do this 'cause they're way over 30 and have crows feet from all the partying. They want to maintain their youth and attract young naive girls. So, they wear dark shades to hide their eyes and crows feet. What's sad is that the young 18-25 year old girls actually believe these guys are around their age. Gross!
- Mo
----
Gross indeed, Mo. Gross, indeed.
Guys in their early 30s should definitely not chase 18-25 year old girls. I must go now and drink, and quietly weep in my Guinness.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Donkey Douche is Different Walks of Life
----
We are all different walks of life , thats cool , thing is i am confident and happy with myself and i dont really take seriously what others say(i just like f'kn with them) Nobody on this earth is perfect and nobody thinks anybody is absolutely perfect so that said, i just don't like when people only want to post people's bad pics all the time. You have my blessing, but give me some credit and post some of my decent pics too! Thats all ! Let people judge me thats cool it fun!
Do me one favor , take that ridiculous pic of me off please , the one with that fkn animal print shirt (thing is that shirt was over 300 dollars , its roberto cavalli shirt from miami, guess it just didn't work , it looks stupid , i never wore it again. We all make mistakes!)
Do me one favor , take that ridiculous pic of me off please , the one with that fkn animal print shirt (thing is that shirt was over 300 dollars , its roberto cavalli shirt from miami, guess it just didn't work , it looks stupid , i never wore it again. We all make mistakes!)
dd
----
I may be in the minority, but I actually like that shirt. It has a certain honesty to it. And the fact it doesn't have an A/X or "Ed Hardy" logo written on it earns it at least some respect.
Okay, who I am kidding. It's douchey as hell.
Otherwise, props to DD for at least hanging in and taking the fire.
----
I may be in the minority, but I actually like that shirt. It has a certain honesty to it. And the fact it doesn't have an A/X or "Ed Hardy" logo written on it earns it at least some respect.
Okay, who I am kidding. It's douchey as hell.
Otherwise, props to DD for at least hanging in and taking the fire.
Breaking: Criss Angel Dating Playboy Bunny, Still a Huge Douche
Because I like to keep up with those other popular celebrity blogs, I thought I'd EXCLUSIVELY BREAK this BREAKING story:
Criss Angel smells like poo.
What?
You heard?
Dammit. Beaten by TMZ again.
Bob's Country Bunker
Waste Management Sanitation Artisan by day, rockstar dungeon fetishist by night, Bob lured the ladies to his Bunker with promises to see his horses.
And, of course, his sexy tri-pattern facial config.
HCwDB of the Month
Here it is. The last HCwDB of the Month before the 2008 Douchie Awards in mid-December. Who will earn the final slot to compete in that most coveted of all Douchie Awards; The 2008 HCwDB of the Year?
That, as always, is up to you.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Brian Earlicker and Lila's Alzadoes
Yes, there is the "porny" vibe in this pic, and porn-types are usually disqualified for living a life of auto-douchery and constant "exposure" in every sense of the word.
But there's something authentic here.
Authentically skeeze. A genuine moment of all that is wrong when douche mugs hott.
And blocking the football game with a nasty-ass tongue lick makes Brian Earlicker a contender.
Lila has wonderful Alzadoes. Yes they are fake. But they are also healthy and sing harmonic Disney songs with little bluebirds on their cleavite.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: Chumlee
Chumlee brings that annoying greasy "model" type of 'tude.
Plus the ferret facial fung, scoring a +3 on the alliteration scale.
And lets not forget the sexy, if zaftig, Beatrice, who brings large succulent baby feeders into play. Like Lila, the fake mamms are convincing enough to confuse a hungry toddler.
But it is Chumlee's subversive douche that is truly rank. The D-neck t-shirt, the gray shock of hair, and the hand pose just ramp up the scale even further.
Finally, we must remember the guiding principle of this site. The proper hottie/douchey pic has a spectrality of douche. The desire to punch through your screen and slap the unholy combo occurring before you.
Tell me you don't have that urge here.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: The Last Dragon
There is so much wrong in this pic, it's hard to even comprehend the 1980s matte-effects work that render the glow into nostalgic filmic douche of yesteryear.
First, lets stat with Douche Leroy.
The Sisqo white hairdo.
The bloody t-shirt.
The neck scar.
The leather wristdanna.
Then there's Greta. The stern, emotionally dysfunctional hott whose traumatic period in Catholic School has made her so angry. Yet so naughty. Yet so perky.
Combine them, and the smell wafts of poo.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: Samurai Scrote
The legend. The myth. The icon.
Samurai Scrote has acquired quite the cult following, with disciples running in the tens of ones.
Samurai Scrote's legendary thread announces the power of douchery to transcend mere physical hand gesture or facial expression.
Samurai Scrote controls his douchery with the power of the mind.
Samurai Scrote understands that sequined Laura has a sexy girl next door thing that makes you want to bite into a seal at SeaWorld until it "arfs" in minor annoyance.
Samurai Scrote forgives you this desire.
For she is a slender island of salad dressing. An iceberg wedge of blue cheese joy.
But is having a cult following enough to win a Monthly? Or will one of the other toxic combos rise up and triumph in a sea of douchal poobaggery?
That, fellow 'bag hunters, is up to you.
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
That, as always, is up to you.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Brian Earlicker and Lila's Alzadoes
Yes, there is the "porny" vibe in this pic, and porn-types are usually disqualified for living a life of auto-douchery and constant "exposure" in every sense of the word.
But there's something authentic here.
Authentically skeeze. A genuine moment of all that is wrong when douche mugs hott.
And blocking the football game with a nasty-ass tongue lick makes Brian Earlicker a contender.
Lila has wonderful Alzadoes. Yes they are fake. But they are also healthy and sing harmonic Disney songs with little bluebirds on their cleavite.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: Chumlee
Chumlee brings that annoying greasy "model" type of 'tude.
Plus the ferret facial fung, scoring a +3 on the alliteration scale.
And lets not forget the sexy, if zaftig, Beatrice, who brings large succulent baby feeders into play. Like Lila, the fake mamms are convincing enough to confuse a hungry toddler.
But it is Chumlee's subversive douche that is truly rank. The D-neck t-shirt, the gray shock of hair, and the hand pose just ramp up the scale even further.
Finally, we must remember the guiding principle of this site. The proper hottie/douchey pic has a spectrality of douche. The desire to punch through your screen and slap the unholy combo occurring before you.
Tell me you don't have that urge here.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: The Last Dragon
There is so much wrong in this pic, it's hard to even comprehend the 1980s matte-effects work that render the glow into nostalgic filmic douche of yesteryear.
First, lets stat with Douche Leroy.
The Sisqo white hairdo.
The bloody t-shirt.
The neck scar.
The leather wristdanna.
Then there's Greta. The stern, emotionally dysfunctional hott whose traumatic period in Catholic School has made her so angry. Yet so naughty. Yet so perky.
Combine them, and the smell wafts of poo.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: Samurai Scrote
The legend. The myth. The icon.
Samurai Scrote has acquired quite the cult following, with disciples running in the tens of ones.
Samurai Scrote's legendary thread announces the power of douchery to transcend mere physical hand gesture or facial expression.
Samurai Scrote controls his douchery with the power of the mind.
Samurai Scrote understands that sequined Laura has a sexy girl next door thing that makes you want to bite into a seal at SeaWorld until it "arfs" in minor annoyance.
Samurai Scrote forgives you this desire.
For she is a slender island of salad dressing. An iceberg wedge of blue cheese joy.
But is having a cult following enough to win a Monthly? Or will one of the other toxic combos rise up and triumph in a sea of douchal poobaggery?
That, fellow 'bag hunters, is up to you.
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
Sunday, November 09, 2008
Reader Mail: DBs in Dubai
Libby and Rayna write in with a 'bag tag from Dubai:
----
Dear Hot Chicks With Douchebags,
My friend and I love your website and were excited when in Dubai recently to find the perfect douchebag to take pictures with to submit to your site. It made it all the more perfect when the douchey guy proceeded to follow us around the bar not realizing that the picture was just for fun.
Attached is a picture that turned out of my friend with the douchey guy (left) and his friend (right) that wanted to be in the picture also apparently. Please let us know if you have any questions :)
Best,
Libby and Rayna
----
You know we're kicking global ass when Persian Hotts in Dubai are mocking the Oilbags. Good work, ladies. I would Aladdin your lamps and then Persian your rugs.
Sunday Caption This Pic
Dieter says, "American booty!! Sie ist sehr gut!"
Saturday, November 08, 2008
Saturday D&G
There is one douchal signifier that is most impressive about Brothabag Lonnie's skeeze in the presence of two late 20s temp-worker hotts, and it's not the douche-face.
Notice that hat tilt has migrated to belt buckle.
Friday, November 07, 2008
Fung Friday
It's Fung Friday!!
And you know what that means. Actually, I hope you know what that means, because I sure don't.
Fung, like DJ Bello, needs no hot chicks to form a douche singularity. As such, I will make an exception to the rules of my site, and post his hilarious, burnt umber ass.
Other random links as I clear out the pixel attic and chug a PBR on this post-Halloween, post-election Friday:
In Buffalo, New York, douchebags apparently refer to themselves as "Cricket."
Animated Gator
More Fun With French, from our 'bag hunter in Paris.
Brothabag Leon pities the fool.
I know times are tight, but Walmart is stocking actual douche. Yes, that's a real photo from their website. That's what happens when you pay minimum wage to teenage web-site admins.
Peyton List wants to spank my bare bottom with some fishing twine and a partially damp shamwow.
Speaking of the shamwow, that spokesguy is a huge douche. You followin' me, camera guy?
Uhm, I'll take the chicken basket (from FailBlog)
Where's Dumbass?
PIC DELETED
Somewhere, buried within this lineup of soft curvy hottie boobie suckle thigh, I've carefully hidden a heaping serving of fratdouche dumbassery.
Look closely.
Can you find him?
Somewhere, buried within this lineup of soft curvy hottie boobie suckle thigh, I've carefully hidden a heaping serving of fratdouche dumbassery.
Look closely.
Can you find him?
Donkey Douche Doesn't Even Need to Try, He Just Gets Quality Ass
----
Thing is i don't even need to try , i just get quality ass! Always will , always have!! I look better on a bad day than 99% of all the hate'n douchebag cock fags that write in to this site! All these tards wish they have gotten the tail i have in my life. I could die happy at 30 ....can't say the same for all you losers. Grow some fk'n nuts and post a real pic of me and my girl on this site(not some bs photoshopped pic**real funny, now people have to send in fake pics =wow!=**). Show all the millions of losers out there what a real couple looks like! All the chubs with one hand on the computer and one on their tiny dicks masurbating to my gf , I salute you! Keep on wishing you had tail like that. ***and by the way i will stick up for fish slap and for socrates, i know both of them, and i will say they also are awesome people who handle their own and can get ass, all you don't be jealous!***
DD
ps - why don't you post this message on your site for me....... i think i made you enough $$$ so far...... now do me a favor Jay Louis!
i also am including a real pic of me from that night, me and chris(my lips are not purple, i didnt age, my shirt is not leather, my hair aint grey ) (i love the hat'n, it makes me tick!)
----
I enjoyed DD's response on many levels, but most of all for the genius of "hat'n." It bothers me that I didn't think of that contraction first.
Friday Haiku
No more Hallow's Eve,
Dumbass tilts douche-hat and pouts,
Sandra mugged, for reals.
Swedish & Meatball.
Normally a good combo,
But not in this case.
-- boatbutter
Sanjeev tries to act
gangsta and fails, but Elke
doesn't seem to care
-- father guido sardouchey
Bottle-blondie Nell
Finds herself molested by
this Dudley Douche-Right.
-- don't wheeze the douche!
Maybe Habib is
Communicating with her
Using Norse Code
- crucial head
Thursday, November 06, 2008
Halloween HCwDB Contest Winner: Paul N.
A tremendous response to the HCwDB Halloween contest, with costumes so hilariously hottie/douchey, I'm having a hard time telling them apart from the real thing.
It was nearly impossible to pick a winner, but pick I did. Congrats to Paul N and his brave girlfriend, who took tacky hottie/douchery to a whole new plane of existence.
That costume has it all. Orange Face. Bling. Ed Hardy. Grey Goose. Boobies.
Great work. I tip my cup of the 'Train in your honor. You win the autographed copy of my book. Claim your prize, sir and madam.
Here's the Top 10 Superb Hottie/Douchey Finalists (in random order):
1. KH and Asian Sailorette storm the beaches at Douchemandy.
2. Brett M Guidos it Up in style.
3. Carson Y Macks. And then muscles it up to some boobies.
4. Cathie B brings the Winehouse while her boyfriend busts 'Bag.
5. Cory B's costume is so good, I almost ran it as a real pic.
6. Crissy and her boyfriend bring tremendous hottie/douchey forces into play.
7. Seth M busts literal signage, multi-colors and two hotts. Good work, Seth.
8. The Anti-Douche and his Hott overwhelm with a perfect Halloween combo.
9. Tom L and his Smokin' Hott are almost too realistic. Are you sure this is Halloween?
10. I'm not convinced Dante is really in costume. But the limo is genius.
10a. Cim's costume finds the key to the DB1's heart.
And here's a sampling of some of the other notable submits:
Baggin M 'bags it up.
Brian C gets down.
Dante and his Boyz formed a Halloween douche posse.
Donk Diggler goes to town.
Gaw says "Whassup?"
Erik K is orange.
FSDU's Douche Costume is minimal but his hott is for real. Goddamn.
Frankie forgets the Hott but makes a helluva douche.
Les Douches are actually kind of scaring me.
Double X has the costume, but where are the kissy lips?
Paul A earns a kiss for his costumed douchosity.
Billy B has the perfect costume and sidekick, but no hotts, sadly.
The Minnesotans know how to mock the douche.
Michael M goes "Double Pop" with a Sailor Cutie in tow.
Steve Makes Kissy Lips with a Naughty Nun.
Jordan J's Tatts look just a tad too real to be costumey douche.
Billy B Busts a Move
LL is a Douche Bandit with yet another Sailor Hott.
GT and Alice make a surreal hott/douche coupling.
EDIT: Screw the Batbag, lets keep this lineup pure. Here's Mike and Randy, who just sent me one last pic to make the cut.
Massive props to everyone who sent in a pic. The creativity and effort were positively antidouchian. If you didn't see your pic here, don't be upset, I'm just hungover, ran out of space and attention span this morning, and desperately need a coffee.
Wow. This post took two+ hours, but it was worth it.
Take your time and enjoy the creativity and the boobies.
Caption This Pic
Shuffling through the well over a hundred Halloween HCwDB pics submitted and eatin' my Apple Jacks. In the meantime, here's a Caption This Pic:
Kendra couldn't tell what was making her more uncomfortable, Tony's cassette belt-buckle, or the dog that kept sniffing her bumper.
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Donkey Douche Forever
Let us not forget those hallowed Hottie/Douchey couples whose template, nay, archetype, establishes all that comes after it. Donkey Douche and his Persian Minx were one of the first breakout doucherstar couplings on this site in 2007.
Is the D.D. beginning to look like Sam Rockwell mated with a tangerine? Perhaps.
But while the Donkster's body may sag with age, his Cheetos Glow will never stop. Ever.
Not for a thousand years.
Chupacabro
Someone call the National Enquirer!
We've tagged ourselves the legendary Chupacabro.
Known for sneaking around small South American villages and giving the goats fauxhawks, the Chupacabro is the stuff of legend.
Douche legend.
3:10 To Pooma
Oh pouty Mamacita. Life has been hard in the dusty plains of the old west.
I know your mule has been giving you trouble, and the Sheriff runs roughshod over the townsfolk.
But must you ride into town and take up with two oily chest displaying douchewanks?
Surely there are better options.
Superdana
How does a Mandana go up that high? Is it even physically possible? Or is this a Criss Angel Mindfreak?
Does a sagging 42 year old clinging to faded memories about his "slammin'" youth back in the late 80s really hide the corporeal decay through use of a giant swath of head cloth? Uhm, no. No he doesn't.
But even more importantly, boobies.
Large, firm, round, tatines that sing gospel hymns of tabernacle choir and shake like jello after you add too much water and didn't freeze it long enough.
Yup.
The DB1 is in a post-election haze. All is right with the world. And the Apple Jacks are sugary.
HCwDB of the Week: Brian Earlicker
So who won the election?
What? Geez, you'd think there was another election that happened somewhere. Lets stick to priorities people. Mocking 'bags and staring at boobs.
gold5: Brian Earlicker FTW. Dragon Fist isn't so bad (he's just a short guy tryin to make it in the world) and the other two are wanna-bes who haven't flowered into full douche-dom yet. It's no contest really.
chris in 'baghdad: they're all swine, every one of them. but as an old Denver Broncos fan from the '70s, I gotta go with Lila's (artificial) Alzadoes
jonathan: Look, up in the sky. It's a snake-style kiss attack. It's a playboy bunny mocking a tiny package. It's EARLICKER FTW!!!
douchey mcdouche: I struggled with this one, but in the end it's Earlicker based on a gut reaction. And by "gut reaction" I mean nausea.
tristan: Gotta be ear licker, the ear lick move while wearing a rosary is complete douche.
monty: LILA ALZADOES!
marita: i've decided that because of the rosary, brian gonna have to get my vote. this means that leagues of zealous catholics want him tarred and feathered, drawn and quartered, and burned at the stake. im the most cynical catholic I know and it even makes me want to uppercut a woodland creature.
Ol' Bag: Earlicker is pure douche. Lila looks as if she is choking back down a little vomit...would that she would have spewed it on him just as the pic was taken. If she is the mom to the chick in the Haiku pic....I'll stick with the mom.
But Fist of Power also felt the wrath of voters confused by the shirt-tatt and Fist of, well, power.
Charles Nelson Douchely: Fist of power. Mainly due to the fact he likely purchased that shirt to tide him over until he get get the actual tattoo that looks just like that.
And the nicker brings smart voting strategy into play:
Earlicker's going to win, so I'm voting for 2nd place, and I'm taking the homies. That picture angers me like nothing in the past few weeks . . .
And rumpelscroteskin agrees:
I like the Earlicker and Lila, but I've seen the tongue move before. Not very new. She looks great.
I give my vote to the HOMIES, but only because of that sensational brunette hottie, who has to be the best looking gal of the bunch. And what is that fellow doing with shaved armpits? Hasn't he ever heard of a shower and Old Spice?
Well said, and props to every voter who did their patriotic duty this election season and stepped up to vote with the Yin/Yang polarities of lust and rage for a hott/douche.
I'll turn it over to Darksock for the final vote on this, the day after election day:
Earlicker/Boobies. If only the Republicans had run on that ticket there would be 50 red states tomorrow.
And by red I mean brown.
And really, does it matter who won the President or Senate races? Well, yes. It does. But the 2008 Douchies are next month.
There is douche-mocking to be done.
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
Halloween Contest
I've been absolutely flooded with some of the most hilarious Hot Chick with Douchebag Halloween combos, and I'm just trying to go through them all right now, so stay tuned for the winner of the contest on Thursday.
I'll also post a top 10 (20?) Finalists, so everyone can enjoy the absolutely genius creativity at work in these costumes. Just hilarious.
Great work, people. I'm honored and humbled that the spewey/boobies combos of so many HCwDB pics could inspire so many great Halloween getups.
Pooistas
Sadly, this pic is not from Halloween. It is real.
In fact, The remaining members of The Who just got together to cut a new song, The Kids Are All Poo.
Hanna-Barbera is re-releasing their classic kid's cartoon, Scooby Poo.
Disney is prepping a new summer kids film, Winnie the Poo.
Their favorite Hollywood actress is Lucy Piu.
Every time The Bodyguard plays on HBO, they cry when Whitney Houston sings I Will Always Love Poo.
When they go to the bathroom, they crap.
Watch Closely
You almost got a nottadouche pass in spite of the goofy shirt with Jesus bling shoulder pads and hair fwip, Brad.
Yes you're mugging sweet, innocent, shoulder suckle worthy Michella. But you don't seem so bad.
But then you had to go and get a watch the size of Kentucky. And top it off with a thumb-ring chaser.
Sorry bub. Yerradouche.
Licky Douchiano
Ah! I see you are signing your ability to perform acts with a female of fertile disposition, Licky. How clever.
Now let me articulate my response: (hands making the shape of poo)
Blonde's hypostare just got me to quit smoking. She has the erotic plumage of a tigress on the hunt. I would take her chihuahuas for a walk in Beverly Hills every morning at 5am just for the chance to be cut out of the will by her angry oil baron father, "Shooter."
VOTE... For DJ Bello
You know what today is?
That's right. Election Day.
Time to get DJ Bello aka Bobby Batz elected. To Season #22 of The Real World:
Vote now.
Oh yeah, and vote in that other election going on today, too. If you don't, I'm posting "Frolic Harder" on the main page.
Monday, November 03, 2008
It's DJ Bello, Bitchesssssss
DJ Bello needs no hotts to dance. DJ Bello needs no people to dance. DJ Bello needs only a dystopian post-apocalyptic club wasteland.
And, once there, he will dance like none have danced before.
(warning #1: No hotts in video.)
(Warning #2: Do not click on "frolic harder 2:47" after viewing. HCwDB takes no responsibility for any harm incurred in witnessing that video)
The Blow Pops
That's right, Cheryl. Get back at your dad by dating an ambulatory billboard.
With a thumb ring.
And the same dragon tatt insignia that's on the sign for Ho Wops Mandarin Takeout off the interstate, between the Shell Gas Station and the I-Hop.
Shelly's Poor Life Choice
Somewhere, deep within her primordial subconscious, Shelly suddenly senses that she may have made a poor life choice.
The Homies Want Your Vote
The Homies have left the Boutique Lobby and dropped by a house party to work for your vote.
They brought matching chest shaves and hand gestures, and even Ubiquitous Red Cup. Homie #1 even pops the sweat-jacket collar and tackles a Danish Au Pair named Camilla.
But is it enough to win the Weekly?
HCwDB of the Week
The last Weekly before the last Monthly before the 2008 Douchies. My scrotundae is tingling with excitement. Or that could be the Man Junk I just sprayed on it.
Here's your finalists:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Brian Earlicker and Lila's Alzadoes
Props to doucheous scrotimus, who nicknamed this football blocking skeezebag, and to don't wheeze the douche!, whose run of 'bag mocking domination continues with nicknaming Lila.
There is little more to add to this toxic swirl of MILFy hottness and creepy ear licking rosarie necklace wearing douche.
You just know this guys begins, and ends, each sentence with "Yo."
Yo, dig my zebra shorts, yo.
Earlicker made a second appearance in the Friday Haiku, here. And Lila's enticing bunny tatt, suggests happy trails and soft skin.
Who says you can't be hot over 35? Lila may not be a spring doe, but she's a summer deer. Yes, please.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Fist of Power
Shazam!!
Wonder Douche Power, Activate!!
Never underestimate the short dude with the giant white belt to bust some douche near a Nordic Aryan Model Hott.
Would she spank me with a large rubber paddle for disobeying curfew?
Perhaps she would report me to the Kommandant.
But I would forgive her.
For her hips are strong and crushworthy, and could bear many children with blonde hair and blue eyes.
So I grovel meekly.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Homies in Da Boutique Hotel Lobby
I simply direct your attention to the fact Homie #1 shaves his armpits.
I repeat.
He shaves his armpits.
Contrast the Homies and their douchey behavior with the pure, innocent snowflake Eurohotts, and you have proper hottie/douchey toxicity.
It goes to eleven.
And Svenga from Belarus brings a second Eurohott to the table in this week's Weekly.
But, lest I keep babbling, I turn it over to you. Which of these three pics contains enough hott/douche dynamics to earn your vote for the Weekly?
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
Here's your finalists:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Brian Earlicker and Lila's Alzadoes
Props to doucheous scrotimus, who nicknamed this football blocking skeezebag, and to don't wheeze the douche!, whose run of 'bag mocking domination continues with nicknaming Lila.
There is little more to add to this toxic swirl of MILFy hottness and creepy ear licking rosarie necklace wearing douche.
You just know this guys begins, and ends, each sentence with "Yo."
Yo, dig my zebra shorts, yo.
Earlicker made a second appearance in the Friday Haiku, here. And Lila's enticing bunny tatt, suggests happy trails and soft skin.
Who says you can't be hot over 35? Lila may not be a spring doe, but she's a summer deer. Yes, please.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Fist of Power
Shazam!!
Wonder Douche Power, Activate!!
Never underestimate the short dude with the giant white belt to bust some douche near a Nordic Aryan Model Hott.
Would she spank me with a large rubber paddle for disobeying curfew?
Perhaps she would report me to the Kommandant.
But I would forgive her.
For her hips are strong and crushworthy, and could bear many children with blonde hair and blue eyes.
So I grovel meekly.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Homies in Da Boutique Hotel Lobby
I simply direct your attention to the fact Homie #1 shaves his armpits.
I repeat.
He shaves his armpits.
Contrast the Homies and their douchey behavior with the pure, innocent snowflake Eurohotts, and you have proper hottie/douchey toxicity.
It goes to eleven.
And Svenga from Belarus brings a second Eurohott to the table in this week's Weekly.
But, lest I keep babbling, I turn it over to you. Which of these three pics contains enough hott/douche dynamics to earn your vote for the Weekly?
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
Sunday, November 02, 2008
HCwDB Halloween Contest
The HCwDB Halloween Contest will be taking submissions through Tuesday, so if you or your loved one dressed up as a hott/douche, send in a pic and you could win...
A New Car!!
Okay, no. That would cost money. But I am giving away an autographed copy of my book.
Speaking of hotts dressing up for Halloween, here's Elizabeth Banks mentioning the site on The Tonight Show.(approx 20 min. in)
Or watch it cued up on Hulu here.
Ah, Miri. I would be your Zach. And we would, uhm, make a porno.
Dammit. That sexual euphemism metaphor just collapsed in a heap of literality.
Sunday Reader Mail: The Hippie 'Bag
----
Dear DB1-
There really aren't too many douche's where I'm from, but I have noticed something else strange. There are a lot of "hippies". Not the 1970's peace, love, and pot hippies; a strange modern day douchey version.
They wear a s@#tload of tie-dye, they spend a lotta money to buy a bunch of clothing made out of hemp, they have 50 dollar haircuts, but dress like they just crawled out of Woodstock. In their pictures they throw on a smug grin and throw up a cocky peace sign. Not to mention you can tell they only listen to three music groups. Led Zeppelin, Greatful Dead, and any band with "band" in its' name (Dave Matthews Band, etc.).
So, even though I am a newcomer to douche hunting, I would like your opinion on this, is there such a thing as a hippie douche?
Good night and good luck,
Captain Canada
----
Ah yes, the Hippie 'Bag, aka Burning 'Bag, aka the Woodscrote.
People who think Bob Dylan is this elusive mystery wrapped in an enigma traveling through nostalgic yesteryear on the wave of ambiguous poetic reflection. Uhm, no. The dude is a creepy old guy who wrote some good songs.
Hippie 'Bags live in a weird amalgam of nostalgia reprocessed through mass media repackaging and sold back to them at premium. Like the Punkbag, their form may be a variation on standard Jerz Guid, but the slippage of meaning underneath the codes of their dress betray the co-opted vacuousness at work within their purchased identity.
So, to answer your question, yes. There are Hippie 'Bags. And they are poo.
Saturday, November 01, 2008
Metaphysical Hooligan Saturday
The Metaphysical Hooligan and Carly Hott first appeared on the site back in June. Their rank hottie/douchey dialectic made an immediate impact.
Without realizing it, I ran a second pic of this uber-hott/uber-douche couple about a week later. Then, on Friday, I ran yet another pic of this fester-sore, calling it "The Scarecrow."
Why did I keep forgetting the previous appearance of so distinct a hottie/douchey coupling?
My subconscious.
It is refusing to process the utterly spew-worthy mugging taking place.
But I cannot deny the truth of this toxic coupling. I must witness the sweet girl underneath that douchebaguette infection. And we all must witness the stupid-ass ginormous mandana, the white belt, the black armband, and, of course, the nip-ring.
For it is poo.
Miri is a Hot Chick
Special thanks to uber-sexy and luscious blonde paprika hott Elizabeth Banks, who plugged HCwDB on The Tonight Show last night. Pictured here with renowned Bostonbag, Biz Markie.
Ah, Mrs. Banks. I would read you Balzac by waxen candle light, then lightly spray non-stick Pam Cooking Spray on your ankles to better rub my thighs upon them. I would chew through a sea of congealed agar with only my cunning and a small flashlight to guide me just for the chance to fondle the fishnet stockings you discarded after dressing up as one of the Moulin Rouge singers in 2002.
