Kettlehead always wears shades to cover the fact that his human eyes were destroyed, allowing his cyborg eyes to show through. He must remain in disguise to pass for human.

I, on the other hand, I have used my laser-sighting to put a red dot on the ass of left hott.
 

I'd pee in her purse. And ass.
 

Left Hott? LEFT HOTT? Mr. White, get your laser-sights checked, because all that is pure in the land of booty is clearly Right Hott. That is an ass that begs for Vader to put on his special "ass slapping" hand. Right hott has those Angelina Jolie Lips going on, but don't even talk to me about ass.

Kettlehead, please. Stop with the shirts. Honestly, do you have, like, a CLOSET FULL of that shit? Is it even possible for you to wear a shirt that fits and buttons up close to the neck?

Oh wait, I get it now. You actually DO have normal shirts...it is just that, every time you put one on, the shirt withers and dies. Yes, that makes much more sense.
 

Damn. Kettlehead is on a tear. The pros of being a drug dealer just might outweigh the cons...until other cons are pushing your shit in.

AV
 

I think he took the top buttons from all of his shirts and used them to fasten his sunglasses to his head.
 

His arching eyebrow in his various pictures disturbs me. I can fix that for him...I like to call it "blunt force trauma".
 

I am going to be having nightmares about that fucking eyebrow.
 

Kettlehead's eyebrow is trying to overtake Peaches' point as an iconic douche maneuver. Which means a brick to the temple.
 

Who does this guy think he is, Corey Feldman?

And as far as asses go, from this picture I'd have to say that left hot does have quite a temple of tush, but right hott might not be at the right angle. Also, there is a blond on the coach in the right.
I guess the old saying is true

"brunettes will pretend to like anyone as long as they appear to be having more fun than blonds"
 

Is he trying to mimick The Rock or is his eyebrow so embarassed by him it's trying to leave?
 

Kettlehead makes me wish those were that sunglasses from Big Daddy that makes you invisible. This kid is total a take-it-in-the-rear, salad-tossing, tool shed.

Right Hott reminds of a girl the other night I stared at in the bar in the hopes she would notice my goofy ass smile and feel bad for the fact I was acting like a loser. Seems I was the one with the invisible glasses...
 

The frosted tips really tie the look together.
 

@douche vader

I hear what you're saying, but right hott is a little off putting to me. Maybe it's just an unfortunate angle, but her thighs look a bit lumpy, whereas from all appearances, left hott is tight as a drum with a spankable bubble butt and a minx-like crazy stare that's got my nethers in an uproar.
 

And by "coach on the right" I actually meant, "couch, on the right". Yes, turns out couch was the right answer.
 

Nice boo tay
 

I'm telling you this guy has watched "The Lost Boys" far too many times.
 

No put the hat back on Kettle!! I knew it, underneath those headwraps of wrongness lay a hairdoo of steaming poo. As for Faruza Bleeth I will follow her ass like Toto on crack.
 

Kettle is waiting for the 2 chicks to leave so he can get back to the 2 13 year old boys chained in his basement behind that door.
 

Left Brunette Hott wants me. Her eyes are screaming at me to leave my job, hitchhike to wherever she is, and join the growing army in thrall to her fertility goddess majesty. When she walks down the street, signs for "Free Kittens" spontaneously sprout from the lawns behind her. All is eclipsed by the glory of that look, proclaiming "I don't 'do' sex, I AM sex".

As for Kettlehead, give the facial hair a pass dude, you can't pull it off. I've seen manlier mustaches on Italian grandmas.
 

i don't get it. i mean. i know that i should hate kettlehead and what to chain him to the outside of the spaceship and watch his head explode when he hits vaccuum...but i just don't really care. i think it's because this weekend I met what might be the king of douche.

thegarethjones.blogspot.com

I mean, call me crazy, but this guy has to be up there with FS and the donkster right?
 

Dang...this dude pulls tail!
 

@douchelexic

For me, the douche has always been more about attitude and (lack of) intelligence, social graces, etc., than appearance. Sure, douching up the wardrobe plays a big part in this site, but I always felt that appearance was more a reflection of, rather than the main cause of, inherent douchiness. I mean, as far as appearance and dress goes, to each his or her own, right? I wear my hair past my shoulders, and I don't give a sh!t what people think as long as they don't feel the need to comment on it. (Except in the cases were a lovely lady, such as Medusa, offers to pull on it.)

Then, just a little ways into Gareth Jones' blog post, I read this:

"I’m in full regalia; tight, women’s Ed Hardy jeans, Cowboy boots, a western-style plaid shirt, belt buckle the size of a small child’s torso and a cowboy hat with a bandana."

Tight. WOMEN'S. Ed Hardy jeans.

Sweet Jebus.
 

Dammit Douchelexic! Although I'm not sure this guy is up there with FS and the Donk, mainly due to the fact that he is not pure douche, he just tries so hard that it's almost sad. He's an ice sculptor as well, last night he made a cube.

Also any man that wears women's Ed Hardy jeans should be burned at the stake. I'm just sayin'...

...I'm going to go drink some NyQuil on the rocks now, 'cause I'm feeling sick but sociable.
 

What's with Kettlehead stealing Spock's left eyebrow? I find that a tad unsettling.
 

@ Mr. White and JCvD

Obviously the guy isn't a complete moron, I mean, when I read it there's a certain early bret easton ellis flavor to the writing. but when i met him it was quite dark where we were and he had on a pair of plastic frame shades. When the young lady i had been chatting up asked him why he was wearing them he took them off for a couple minutes, and was clearly uncomfortable. as he put them back on he said, "I gotta wear em, they're kinda like my trademark."

he.
has.
a.
trademark.
 

Those factory-second shirts with the missing buttons are saving Kettlehead some MAJOR coin. You'd be smug about it, too.
 

I noticed all Kettlehead's pics are from the same 1-bedroom apartment. I can almost hear the screams of young women as they cry out for help from the broom closet.


And where the hell does he get his wardrobe? The Gay Muskateer factory outlet?
 

Kettlehead is a man of a thousand douchey disguises.

Oh, and boobies.
 

@ bagger and plinky-

i like that you both went to the same place but took separate but equal(ly hilarious) routes to get there.

gay musketeer...hahahaha.
 

I'm curious as to how DB1 manages to "bag" all of these different Kettlehead looks? Does Kettlehead have a home page at which we can mock?
 

@douchelexic:

all one has to do to get an idea of who/what this guy is just has to read his quaint little intro cleverly labeled "The life and death of a devilish debauchee" Anyone who has to point out how cool they are by default are uncool. As Lao Tzu once said, "Coolness always speaks for itself."

The pic he has also helps. Pants so tight his balls have separate sleeping quarters... a belt buckle that doubles as a serving tray... a faux snake-skin scarf... good god the list goes on and on...
 

@ Douchelexic

Where you been pal? Haven't seen you around too much lately.

@ Bagger Vance

Bravo. Nice work.
 

@ Plink

i went through a brief period where i discovered CNN.com live and spent my whole day watching politics. then my head wanted to explode. so i am back here. I feel like the intellectual tone is better.

for some reason my heart hasn't been in the douche mock for awhile. but it's getting back there.
 

Hott on K'head's right is a bizarre 3 way genetic cross between Suzanne Pleshette, Angelina Jolie, and Janine Turner. Hott on his left is a long lost Kardashian cousin.


And remember whenever you'd make a face and you're mom would tell you, 'if you don't stop, it'll stay that way.' K'head didn't care and ignored her. Look at you now douche!!
 

Left Hott is an example of all that is right in the world. Beyond lovely.
 

@ plinky

Thanks, man. You too.

KH looks incredibly like a roommate from my bachelor days in the late 80s who wasn't at all douchey. He did, however, almost burn us out of our apartment one night when he came home drunk and hungry, put some frozen french fries in the oven and passed out.
 

@ Douchelexi

Dude. whatever. Don't get all serious and involved on us by going to "news" websites.
 

Gareth Jones- omg, so much punch clenched inside my fist and no place to put it!

He's not a douchebag, he's a colostomy bag. What a festering dingleberry on the ass of life.

Hate!
 

what Kettlehead needs is a lesson from ROBOCOP on proper use of eyewear fashion. and a brutal beatdown too.

because pretty soon i'm gonna run out of ways to mock his sunglasses, or his face that bears more resemblance to an on/off switch than an actual human face.
 

kettlehead & hooman share hairstylists
 

One of Kettlehead's ears is lower than the other, so his sunglasses ride lower on his face, so it just appears that his own left eyebrow is higher, when in fact, it ain't: the glasses are riding lower on that left side(right side as we see it).

Nice hott boobies and ass, not to mention prettiest faces this side of Patti Ann Brown(she's the real deal, no phony movie star stuff).

He has a nice package bulge, and I bet he smells nice too. Gets the hotts every time. Either tha, or his pheromones are phenomenal.
 

He's like a young douche version of Jose Feliciano with ingrown pubes on his face.
 

goddamn kettlehead is on fire this month!!!

I don't know who's hotter right now him or obama!!!

get your play on kettlehead.

ride your popularity right over a cliff.......