Wednesday, March 18, 2009
HCwDB of the Week: Crosshair McJohnson and Leia
It was a landslide for the confused metro fiasco that is Crosshair McJohnson and the tasty Latino Leia. Additional Crosshair cultural violations and Leia arm-hottness can be seen here and here.
After an excellent and hilarious comments thread, I'll shut my yap and turn to the voters:
memphis doucheworkers local 421: crosshair. no contest. This thundercat taintdrip makes me want to unload a bucket of rescued orphan kittens into a wood chipper and shoot the remnants at the Make- a- Wish Foundation while listening to David Bowie's Queen Bitch. And I don't usually feel that way
Army of Doucheness: Crosshair McJonhson looks like he has actual potential (unlike Kettlehead) to be a star in 09. He's the exact middle between the sullen Fish Slap and fun Bra.. So let's get on with the ceremony... CMJ FTW.
Mr. White: For showing us what Scott Weiland would look like if he switched from heroin to steroids, I give it to Crosshair.
Anonymous 3:16: Crosshair in a landslide. While in lesser weeks the others may compete, Crosshair makes an immediate play for HoS with his multiple symptom, gender bending, rage inducing self. He is the epitome of everyhting we strive to correct. And by correct, I mean eradicate with nuclear weapons.
Douchimus Prime: Agreed with 3:16. Crosshair. His muscles are so big he has to strain to reach the exquisite Leia giving him a lap dance.
Anonymous: The Crosshair is all kinds of wrong, with his manscara, horrible t-shirts,frost pikes and douchetats, and an INCREDIBLY HOT HOTT. He needs to get his shit straight(ha ha) and decide which side of the barrier he stands on. Seeing a girl like this with a guy like that makes me wanna pop my eyes out with a spoon. Crosshair FTW.
Justin: Crosshair wins...he is the worst. Make-up, douche sneer, the hair, doggie-baggin', stupid graphic tee...he's gotta be a finalist in the 2009 douchies. Oh my God his hott is sooooo tasty
The Scroto Rooter Man: Crosshair tortures me. I don't know what'll be engrained in my head the most: the black fingernails, the hetescrote snarl, or the I ROC hand gesture in pics 1 and 3. Crosshair for the win. We the onlookers for the loss.
Dennis Bagger: Crosshair McJohnson and Leia form a classic hot chick/D-Bag union and this photo will likely be studied carefully by Sociologists 100 years from now when trying to understand cultural elements that led up to the collapse of 2010 and beyond.
TheReverendDoom: Crosshair McJohnson for win. He's a disturbed, roid rage individual that makes me want to punch polar bear cubs while clubbing his hott for a night of anything goes...
Anonymous: Crosshair has the steriod-induced anger of The Gator. He should be flogged until his eyeliner runs down his face like Alice Cooper for being that angry while touching a hott of that magnitude.
Yup. I didn't want to sway things, but it was obvious from their first appearance that this was a hottie/douchey pic to inspire poets to take vows of silence and arthritic Nuns to punch orphans.
Coming in a strong second, there was deeply felt self love for the angelic Lucy and mocking for her Fish Twins:
Eliza Doucheku: The Braza Bro's. They are two wild and crazy guys.
douche, shower and shave: Two douches are better then one. The Fish and their greasey scales and guido gills for the win.
teh abominable snowdouche: My vote then is for the Tuna-Twins. Why? Unbuttoned shirt/blinding belt/douche-tag wearing twins do not deserve Lucy. They do not deserve to ever even witness her smile. I might never eat tuna again.
jonezy: I'd gladly sail from the shores of Ithaca, leaving my wife and son to suffer the advances of suitors in my absence for the chance to battle Cyclopses and Sirens in hopes I can return home to worship the god of Mammaries that brought us Lucy Braza.
And in Third, the 96 Wrongness of the Porkchop Hott and Rancid Meat Fungus:
Kennedy Smith: Rancid Meat Fungus FTW. The inverted 69 is too overwhelming. I'd also be interested to know why he's got a Bob Ross painting of the Supreme Court on his wall.
Finally, lets turn it over to The Observation Specialist to bring us home:
I think Crosshair McJohnson should win.
And so he has. Chalk up the pumped up Jesus Tatts and Sexy Latina Leia with a slot in the monthly. They've earned it. And by earned it, I mean spew.
# posted by Douchebag1 @ 7:04 AM 
Comments:
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Good win this week. Even if his hott is so far on the bleeth side of things, I still find her incredibly attractive. I bet that she's dynamite in the sack but I'd be willing to put equal money on her 'conversation skills' being less then adequate.
# posted by 
: 7:32 AM
: 7:32 AM
Crosshair now approaches Fung as the most bitchin' new bag-rage. I'm already layin' bets he'll be the yearly winner, although Crimson Ted will give him a money-run. Somehow I can't see Crosshair with his face in some hott's butt,though.
# posted by : 7:43 AM
: 7:43 AM
Excellent win! He has truly earned the right to be called "One Murfound" (if I am reading his shirt correctly).
"thundercat taintdrip"
Local 421 FTW.
Crosshair is the illegitimate lovechild of Lion-o and Peaches.
Local 421 FTW.
Crosshair is the illegitimate lovechild of Lion-o and Peaches.
# posted by : 7:51 AM
: 7:51 AM
Congrats crosshair. If you like, you can dip your pinky finger into my butthole and use what you find as guyliner.
go fuck yourself
go fuck yourself
I get angry when I look at this Crosshair McJohnson fellow.
I want to fight him, even though he'll beat me up.
This picture was taken at night, near at least one fluorescent light fixture.
I want to fight him, even though he'll beat me up.
This picture was taken at night, near at least one fluorescent light fixture.
# posted by : 8:04 AM
: 8:04 AM
Crosspubes Nojohnson has to be one of the most vain of the parade of self love/obsessed dildos that we see here on a daily basis.
Take everyone else's hate of this guy, combined, then cube it and you'll barely move the meter of my raging disgust towards this gum-stuck-to-a-Tijuana-whorehouse-toilet-seat's very existence.
:-) Have a nice day
Take everyone else's hate of this guy, combined, then cube it and you'll barely move the meter of my raging disgust towards this gum-stuck-to-a-Tijuana-whorehouse-toilet-seat's very existence.
:-) Have a nice day
@ Douchelexic
If by candle party, you mean twisting Crosshair's coif into a wick and then repeatedly dipping him in boiling wax, I think we're ALL in.
If by candle party, you mean twisting Crosshair's coif into a wick and then repeatedly dipping him in boiling wax, I think we're ALL in.
@Medusa -- that was funny!
Has anyone observed that two of the three candidates for the Weekly were engaged in mimed doggy-style sex? Does this mean anything?
It's funny about the muscledouches. Some, like Pumpy and Bra, seem inoffensive, like funloving douches just being what they are. Others, like Crosshair, press my rage button like I cannot believe. Maybe it's the backdrop and lack of smile. If Crosshair were photographed smiling, at a beach, with a bunch of other happy people around him, swilling from his URC and mauling a hott, would he still annoy me?
I just don't know.
Has anyone observed that two of the three candidates for the Weekly were engaged in mimed doggy-style sex? Does this mean anything?
It's funny about the muscledouches. Some, like Pumpy and Bra, seem inoffensive, like funloving douches just being what they are. Others, like Crosshair, press my rage button like I cannot believe. Maybe it's the backdrop and lack of smile. If Crosshair were photographed smiling, at a beach, with a bunch of other happy people around him, swilling from his URC and mauling a hott, would he still annoy me?
I just don't know.
# posted by : 9:07 AM
: 9:07 AM
@d(t)e
I agree. I think I would even have a good time hanging out with Bra!! for an afternoon of Mr. Pibb and beach hotts.
Crosshair however just makes me so angry that the heat of it burns away hair and makes my bald spot even more obvious.
I agree. I think I would even have a good time hanging out with Bra!! for an afternoon of Mr. Pibb and beach hotts.
Crosshair however just makes me so angry that the heat of it burns away hair and makes my bald spot even more obvious.
I don't want to see the douche that could beat Fung. Crosshairs, while annoying in an "I bet he loves himself" way can not approach the sheer wrong bagnacity that is Fung. He is more a Xenu-level, I reckon.
Actually, maybe we need a scale like that? 10,000 Broheims = 1000 Peaches = 100 Xenu = 10 Crimson Ted = 1 Fung or something. Or maybe just tie it all to Fung, the fundamental unit of douche representing the worst things are likely to get. This dude would therefore be about a centiFung, mabe a deciFung at most.
Actually, maybe we need a scale like that? 10,000 Broheims = 1000 Peaches = 100 Xenu = 10 Crimson Ted = 1 Fung or something. Or maybe just tie it all to Fung, the fundamental unit of douche representing the worst things are likely to get. This dude would therefore be about a centiFung, mabe a deciFung at most.
# posted by : 11:45 AM
: 11:45 AM
I just noticed Crosshair is even slightly douchier than I thought...it appears he has that sword tattoo on both arms.
# posted by : 12:02 PM
: 12:02 PM
Observation Specialist:
I see what you did there.
And I like it!
You are very funny.
For once I typed that on the internet and had no sarcasm behind it.
I see what you did there.
And I like it!
You are very funny.
For once I typed that on the internet and had no sarcasm behind it.
Crosshair will have to leave a photo of epic proportions to win a yearly. Crimson Ted has aready done this with his face in a hott ass, and then there was Mooby... That is a picture engraved into my retinas, corneas, and irises.
Fung, Xenu, Fishslap...they all reign in my brain so far. And my brain knows: when it has to look, turn away, and look again, and again, and again, the douche in the photo has won.
Fung, Xenu, Fishslap...they all reign in my brain so far. And my brain knows: when it has to look, turn away, and look again, and again, and again, the douche in the photo has won.
# posted by : 4:59 PM
: 4:59 PM
@ vin douchal 7:26-
Ha! I very nearly posted the same pic, swear to god. And I didn't even have to click on the link to know exactly what you posted.
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Ha! I very nearly posted the same pic, swear to god. And I didn't even have to click on the link to know exactly what you posted.
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