Nice job and douche on.
 

I'll see you in December, You scrote...
 

Hi, Losers:

John again. I left some stuff out of my prior e-mail. I am 7' tall, with a 16" penis, and I will be competing in the "World's Toughest Man" competition next spring.

Then I am entering Nasa training, probably I will be on the first manned mission to Mars.

I will inherit my Dad's condom business, which will make me the new "Rubber King", enabling me to score more bitches than you losers ever thought of.

Ok, gotta go. My parents are taking us trick or treating around the block.

Hooray!
 

I love pantyhose.
 

it's a trap!
 

I am a one trick pony.
 

Happy Halloweeny!!

ASvB
 

kettlehead going out as.... kettlehead?
 

@ Ketlehead 3:55

Fuck you, nigga!
 

If that's not actually Kettlehead, he deserves a prize for closest likeness to an actual douche. Damn.
 

the proprietor & "servers" at LuLu's Hump-Hump & Parasite Salon
 

I'll take the quartasian devil but I bet the DB1 has dibs on the pinstripes with the kneesocks, boobies and librarian look.
 

As soon as I move out of my parents basement...I'm asking quartasian out...
 

The quality of Kettleheads hotts just isn't the same.
 

Kettlehead.

Still alive.

Still a douche.

Still a failure.

Often imitated, occationally duplicated, and never employed. THE Kettlehead.
 

baseball cheerleader librarian hott.
low and inside.
 

Haven't we seen this photo before?
 

@ let it bleeth 5:28 PM
" ... low and inside."
Does that mean you couldn't hit it?
 

She could be my Steinbrenner to my Yankees...
 

... the DH to my American League.
 

... the obnoxious fan to my phillies
 

Happy Hallowe'en to all my fellow baghunters/huntresses and also to the hotts who grace this site!

Nothing for you, o douchebags who plague our world, except a sincere wish to dedouchify yourselves pronto!

Of course, this Hallowe'en just got a tad worse for our Trojan fans - Oregon just went in for 6. I'm sure some Maker's is being downed.....
 

The worst thing about Halloween is all the chicks dressed like sluts when they should be wearing potato sacks and galoshes. Case in point, this photo. Well, Baseball chick is pretty righteous, but the rest of these dowdy, boxy broads ought not be dressed like this way. I haven't seen such meaty thighs since last week's chicken dinner, blecch. That one on the right shoulda bought a ShakeWeight, jeebus.

Lingerie is not a costume, and unless you're at a swingers' ball, is not to be worn as outerwear. Boo on whoever decided it was a great idea to sell lumpy, dimpled broads this kind of stuff.

Oh, hey, Kettlehead. Funny, you're the least offensive thing about this picture.
 

Kettlehead seems to be having a good time in this photo, but if one reads between the lines a different picture emerges.

He is the flabby, uneducated monarch of a tenuous White Trash Kingdom. He stands with his harem of slightly overweight schoolgirls, but his cocky, raised eyebrow belies a lack of confidence.

Sure, Kettlehead may have fun on this Halloween night, but his future is filled with uncertainty. Ghouls and Goblins are at work in his life as he slowly comes to grip with the reality that his current position as Assistant Manager at Taco Bell, may be the pinnacle of his achievement.

As kettlehead approaches his mid- thirties, and his opportunities narrow, there are dark and disturbing forces at work on his fragile psyche.

These forces are represented metaphorically by the "Devil" to our right. Notice her left hand, she surreptitiously indicates the universal sign for "fuck you." On her wrist is a large white watch, which represents the passing of time.

The message to Kettlehead is clear:

You may be having your meager allowance of fun now, but you've squandered countless opportunities and you're wasting your miserable life away. KETTLEHEAD, YOU'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME!!!

*Satanic Laughter*
BWAAAH HAAA HAAA!!!!!!!!
 

So here I am, between Trick-or-Treating interruptions by the neighborhood yard apes, begging at my door for shit candy I wouldn't feed a dog I was trying to slowly kill via diabetes, and I'm trying to read Locke's Concerning Human Understanding, 'cause that's just the kind of intellectual poser that I am, when it dawned on me that, besides being a dick of the first order, and having never met a string of sentence fragments posing as a complete thought that he didn't dry-hump to next Sunday, Locke's thesis is second in the number of complete fabrications regarding human perception and ass-handed theories of mind ripped straight from one's own anus per page only to Dianetics, which not only outsells Locke's treatise of self-abuse but is infinitely more entertaining to read. Where was I? Oh, yeah. Fuck Kettlehead. And John Locke.
 

Second from the right: Chelsea Clinton dressed up as a slutty meter maid?

Nerdy softball player--we can talk. The rest of you need to take Kettlehead out to chow down some apples pierced with razor blades.
 

btw, any medical types here? I have a problem; some high school girls came to my door trick-or-treating tonight wearing the usual slut party costume. As I simultaneously locked eyes on their amply exposed boobs and held out a handful of candy, I suddenly experienced an erection that could be used to mill aluminum. That was three hours ago and I still can't sit down. I'm worried. My penis keeps crying "More candy! Give them MORE CANDY!" I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight.
 

Me likey slutty devils with thigh highs.

Poop smash!
 

Now I know how Son of Sam's dog felt.
 

Large Asian Devil:
Could be a starting linebacker for the Tennesee Titans.

Brunette Baseball Player:
Head Librarian for the Hall of Fame in Cooperstown.

French Maid:
The most uncomfortable squatting position I've ever seen.

Policewoman:
White has that covered @8:40 PM.

White Girl Devil:
Will be an overweight, chain-smoking single mother on AFDC by age thirty-five.
 

well i can't top all the witty observations already made about Librarian Whitesox, so i'll just drool and masturbate instead.

and you're not scary at all Kettlehead! you're a Halloween disappointment!

okay Kettlehead is reasonably scary. i just said that to spite him.
 

And with a loud spray of methane issuing out from Cindy's squatting haunches like the sound of hi-grade army tent fabric being hand-ripped, the satanic shoe-shitting ritual had begun.
 

Is that shitting on shoes or shitting out shoes?
 

@Scroteophobic, 6:29 a.m. -

She's shitting out Kettlehead.
 

You guys are being a little tough on these girls. Of course my low standards are legendary. If they aren't related they are fair game. Good effort slutty girls, keep up the good work and I will step up the dinking. That way it all evens out.
 

Dinking? I mean drinking. I didn't know it was possible to slur my typing.
 

@El Caganer -

Typing slurs aren't too bad. If you recognize a need to correct them, you must need a refill. ; )
 

@Wheezer

Sounds about right.
 

So wait, I am confused. Kettlehead is a shoe now? Well you can put your foot up his arse and go for a walk if you like, I am not sure I could stand the smell. Or the slightly greasy feeling of Kettlehead's soon-to-be-passed hairballs. Kettlehead on one foot, E-blo on the other? Maybe you could use Fung and Poompa for slippers. I'm sure with all the moisturiser they use their skin would be far softer than the average 'bags. Wait. I am thinking about the feel of Poompa's skin. I think I am going to throw up...
 

@captain

I don't have a medical degree, but after being on candy duty while my nieces trick or treated, I recommend seeking out someplace to deposit a hot beef injection. Something along the lines of, "Hey ladies, your costumes look great. Anybody here 17 yet?" might help find an appropriate target.*

*Please check local statutes before deciding on 17 as an appropriate age. This statement does not constitute a valid legal or medical opinion.
 

fuck a duck!
 

Do five sixes equal three tens?

Help me Mr. Wiard!
 

That would be Mr. Wizard, dickweed.
 

that guy was a promoter for a club i used to work at.
and no, he never buttons the shirt.
he always came into the club with a bunch of guys, [one of which was a midget] and one girl.

he orders two bottles and has them comped. never tips. or pays for anything else. name is cj.
lives in mcallen tx.
 

hi Kathryn,

you spelled "twitter" wrong, and therefore your link doesn't work. but i've kinda-sorta corrected the problem for you. not because i want to. but because HCwDB is legally required to know that you are hot.

oh and thanks for the info on Kettlehead. fuck Fish Slap! er wait... fuck Kettlehead!
 

@Kathryn, 7:29 p.m. -

So does he walk around with that one eyebrow always cocked, or is that just for photo ops?

C.J. = "Cock Jockey"?
 

Y'know, I was looking for a pair of ears like that. Spock's just didn't do it for my Kettlehead costume.
 

Why aren't more people dressed like me?

I think my diamond ear studs and matching cockring are awesome!
 

I'd like to thank the one-glove girl with the glasses on.

Personally.
 

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