Thursday, October 29, 2009
Reader Mail: Contextualizing the Six Pound Watch
----
DB1,
Being somewhat of a wristwatch historian, I'd like to point out that long before douchebags were wearing six pound watches, otherwise normal outdoorsmen like myself were relying on large timepieces to get us safely to the top of the mountain and the bottom of the ocean.
A great example of adjusting the business model to meet the needs of new customers (douchebags) with disposable income is seen with Casio. Whereas the G-Shock used to be targeted at the outdoorsman and hi-adventurer, it is now more and more seen on the wrists of orange-crush-skinned hip-hop wannabee douchebags.
I realize this is a business decision, but this does not mean I have to let it go without comment.
Respectfully yours,
John Douche Passos
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Fair enough, JDP, but once an object has become denatured as part of douchal echo, it cannot be reclaimed. You must let it go, just as we say goodbye to Grey Goose, even though it is an okay enough vodka based on the quality.
# posted by Douchebag1 @ 11:03 AM 
Comments:
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G-Shockbag displays just how wide his anus is after ripping his starfish bead necklace from his bunghole.
"...we say goodbye to Grey Goose, even though it is an okay enough vodka based on the quality..."
ohhh don't get me cranked up on Goose again.
If they'd lower the price I might use it to kill fire ant beds. That is all.
ohhh don't get me cranked up on Goose again.
If they'd lower the price I might use it to kill fire ant beds. That is all.
Why, someone tell me why, please, why in God's name do girls like this, hang with guys like him??
ASvB
ASvB
"once an object has become denatured as part of douchal echo, it cannot be reclaimed."
That is a profound and unnerving statement, people. Anything you cherish and hold dear (PS3's, macrame, porch beef husbandry) may become lost to you as the whims of the douche marketing machine screed the chum of popular culture looking for new avenues of parting douchebags with their $1,200 limit Visa credit headroom.
This is why we fight.
That is a profound and unnerving statement, people. Anything you cherish and hold dear (PS3's, macrame, porch beef husbandry) may become lost to you as the whims of the douche marketing machine screed the chum of popular culture looking for new avenues of parting douchebags with their $1,200 limit Visa credit headroom.
This is why we fight.
I propose a rule of thumb: If your wristwatch cannot fit into your butthole it's too big.
Wait; then this guy could wear a frisbee-sized watch and still get a pass.
nevermind.
Wait; then this guy could wear a frisbee-sized watch and still get a pass.
nevermind.
Those are not white panties on the far left brunette. That is a bleached vagina.
It was the only solution after this douchebag forced himself on her the night before.
It was the only solution after this douchebag forced himself on her the night before.
# posted by 
: 11:26 AM
: 11:26 AM
Who the hell wears white grannies with a blue dress??
Oh, I guess she does, and on occasion, he sports 'em too.
ASvB
Oh, I guess she does, and on occasion, he sports 'em too.
ASvB
@ Dark Sock
Welcome back!
I, for one, was pretty damn worried when no one heard from you after the scheduled three hour trip.
Specially when I saw this.
Welcome back!
I, for one, was pretty damn worried when no one heard from you after the scheduled three hour trip.
Specially when I saw this.
DarkSock, DB1 and other gents who comment with more than a modicum of facility with the English language:
Thanks for existing. Knowing there are gutter-minded men who know how to spell is a great comfort and a blessed antidote to the horrifying, vacuous insults to humanity that generally inhabit the pictures on this site.
If any of you could also run 100 miles, I think I'd be sold.
(Because while size might not matter too much, endurance does.)
Carry on.
(an occasional female reader)
Thanks for existing. Knowing there are gutter-minded men who know how to spell is a great comfort and a blessed antidote to the horrifying, vacuous insults to humanity that generally inhabit the pictures on this site.
If any of you could also run 100 miles, I think I'd be sold.
(Because while size might not matter too much, endurance does.)
Carry on.
(an occasional female reader)
# posted by : 11:32 AM
: 11:32 AM
@ Dark Sock
Yes, welcome back!! Missed you my friend.
@ Scrotum
In the picture, is Gilligan staring at the Captain's trouser trout?
@ Anon
Great, j u s t GREAT, now everyone is off the site looking up the word, "Modicum"
ASvB
Yes, welcome back!! Missed you my friend.
@ Scrotum
In the picture, is Gilligan staring at the Captain's trouser trout?
@ Anon
Great, j u s t GREAT, now everyone is off the site looking up the word, "Modicum"
ASvB
@ Adolf
Gilligan only had eyes for the professor.
@ Anon 11:23
I can't run 100 miles, but I can run a backhoe, skid-loader and a forklift. Does that help?
Gilligan only had eyes for the professor.
@ Anon 11:23
I can't run 100 miles, but I can run a backhoe, skid-loader and a forklift. Does that help?
I guess DarkSock got off HCwDB again.
I guess he only wanted to spend a modicum amount of time here today.
ASvB
I guess he only wanted to spend a modicum amount of time here today.
ASvB
ASvB @11:22,
The answer is obvious in this picture: because he is picking up the check.
Anon 11:32, did you check out that proper grammatical usage of a colon? Pretty sweet, huh? If you want to find out about how to improperly use colons, talk to DarkSock. Zing!
The answer is obvious in this picture: because he is picking up the check.
Anon 11:32, did you check out that proper grammatical usage of a colon? Pretty sweet, huh? If you want to find out about how to improperly use colons, talk to DarkSock. Zing!
# posted by : 11:51 AM
: 11:51 AM
Anon @11:49 was not me, as the plural of "panty" requires one to drop the "y" and add "ies."
@Scrotum Pole- if you don't have endurance, skills with erm, power tools come in handy, so to speak.
@Scrotum Pole- if you don't have endurance, skills with erm, power tools come in handy, so to speak.
# posted by : 11:55 AM
: 11:55 AM
Try as I might, I am utterly failing to conjure a verbose yet witty response to The Occasional Female Reader's praise. Therefore, I submit the following:
I can run 100 miles . . . LYING DOWN!
HEY-O!!
I can run 100 miles . . . LYING DOWN!
HEY-O!!
@End the Haberdouchery
It's true. Proper grammatical use of the colon is sexy. (Don't even get me started on the proper use of the semi-colon. I'd have to go find the power tools, and it is a work day, after all.)
@ASvB- I think that End the Haberdouchery is actually Trollin' WITH the Colon. Subtle but key distinction.
It's true. Proper grammatical use of the colon is sexy. (Don't even get me started on the proper use of the semi-colon. I'd have to go find the power tools, and it is a work day, after all.)
@ASvB- I think that End the Haberdouchery is actually Trollin' WITH the Colon. Subtle but key distinction.
# posted by : 11:59 AM
: 11:59 AM
@ Anon 11:32
My heart says:
You are a twenty-four year old brunette, with olive complexion, brown eyes and an athletic body, who loves to party and lives within a fifty mile radius of my home.
My mind says:
You are a forty-seven year old, unemployed truck-driver named Hal, who's a registered sex offender.
My heart says:
You are a twenty-four year old brunette, with olive complexion, brown eyes and an athletic body, who loves to party and lives within a fifty mile radius of my home.
My mind says:
You are a forty-seven year old, unemployed truck-driver named Hal, who's a registered sex offender.
@anon 11:32
Let's think about this for a second:
--A marathon is 26 miles, and although I'm not a runner, I understand that it's considered a pretty respectable feat of athleticism.
--The Bataan Death March was "only" 60 miles.
--A whole team of sled dogs can cover 80-90 miles per day, but there's a TEAM of them.
I think you're setting the bar just a wee bit high at 100 miles.
Let's think about this for a second:
--A marathon is 26 miles, and although I'm not a runner, I understand that it's considered a pretty respectable feat of athleticism.
--The Bataan Death March was "only" 60 miles.
--A whole team of sled dogs can cover 80-90 miles per day, but there's a TEAM of them.
I think you're setting the bar just a wee bit high at 100 miles.
I had diarreah once that ran down my leg as I drove the last 100 miles back from an alcohol and gorge-eating binge in Vegas...
Does that count as running 100 miles?
Does that count as running 100 miles?
@ Anon
"I am truly sorry, Adolf Skroatler von Baggenstein is unavailable at this time. He is currently running 100 miles."
"I am truly sorry, Adolf Skroatler von Baggenstein is unavailable at this time. He is currently running 100 miles."
# posted by : 12:04 PM
: 12:04 PM
@Scrotum Pole--
You got 50% of the first six attributes right. No idea about the 7th. (And obviously the athletic body is right because who asks for a man with endurance if she can't keep up? That would be preposterous!)
Because I am not unemployed I need to stop screwing around (ha) and go back to work.
You got 50% of the first six attributes right. No idea about the 7th. (And obviously the athletic body is right because who asks for a man with endurance if she can't keep up? That would be preposterous!)
Because I am not unemployed I need to stop screwing around (ha) and go back to work.
# posted by : 12:05 PM
: 12:05 PM
While proper use of the colon might be sexy, IMproper use of the colon is far more fun!
Just make sure you and your partner agree on a safe word ahead of time.
Just make sure you and your partner agree on a safe word ahead of time.
# posted by : 12:08 PM
: 12:08 PM
@ Anon 12:05
Doesn't tell me much.
This means you could be a 64 year old brunette, with a ruddy complexion, brown eyes, obese body who loves to party and lives right next door.
Hold it a second here.....MOM! Is that you??
Doesn't tell me much.
This means you could be a 64 year old brunette, with a ruddy complexion, brown eyes, obese body who loves to party and lives right next door.
Hold it a second here.....MOM! Is that you??
@occasional female reader
Although I attribute my superfluous linguistic capabilities to the spellchecker daemon residing within the circuitry of my advanced electronic implement, your confabulations of inspiritment have fomented my nethers inmitably.
...and by fomented I mean, I would ingest a thousand bottles of Tito's in hopes that my 100 mile micturition titillates your ovarian arena immensely.
Although I attribute my superfluous linguistic capabilities to the spellchecker daemon residing within the circuitry of my advanced electronic implement, your confabulations of inspiritment have fomented my nethers inmitably.
...and by fomented I mean, I would ingest a thousand bottles of Tito's in hopes that my 100 mile micturition titillates your ovarian arena immensely.
I can't run 100 miles, but I know how to operate a 600 hp twin screw extruding machine as well as how to calculate its specific mechanical energy converted to thermal energy to achieve the correct level of shear, cook, and gelatinization.
Those screw shafts can endure some pretty high torque, I tell you what.
Those screw shafts can endure some pretty high torque, I tell you what.
@ASvB
Perchance it turns out to be 'Occasionally a Female Reader', one hopes that at the very least he/she remembers to shave before giving the maxillofacial taint washing.
Perchance it turns out to be 'Occasionally a Female Reader', one hopes that at the very least he/she remembers to shave before giving the maxillofacial taint washing.
Jacques,
You don't work for Unbrako do you? Those bastards haven't gotten back to me with a quote for some 180 ksi strength socket head cap screws.
You don't work for Unbrako do you? Those bastards haven't gotten back to me with a quote for some 180 ksi strength socket head cap screws.
# posted by : 12:38 PM
: 12:38 PM
Perhaps she reads females upon occasion.
I don't know what that means, but I thought I'd throw it out there.
I don't know what that means, but I thought I'd throw it out there.
I'd like to sew the
National Flag of Ukraine with these two Hotts, and then eat warm Polish suasage with them while sitting on it all the while yodeling sweet alpine mating rituals.
National Flag of Ukraine with these two Hotts, and then eat warm Polish suasage with them while sitting on it all the while yodeling sweet alpine mating rituals.
Reverend Javier Bardumb closed his Bible and gave the signal for the communion at St. Ignoramus Church to begin.
# posted by : 12:48 PM
: 12:48 PM
My Daddy went to the Ukraine once.
Nice place, beautiful women.
Cyrillic alphabet.
Damn, wish I had money, I'd go for a modicum.
ASvB
Nice place, beautiful women.
Cyrillic alphabet.
Damn, wish I had money, I'd go for a modicum.
ASvB
After seeing a girl in a beach towel dress that is simultaneously=: falling off her boobs, and flashing the forest of albino-white pubes she forgot to dye brunette, all I can say is God Bless America!
Especially since she looks like a brunette "Crazy Stacey" from "Lingo" with Chuck Woolery.
Oh, and @DarkSock: Prepare to weep salty fuccen lolicopterz for our world. There are some places where Tito's is almost the same price as Goose!
The other 2 horsemen of the apocalypse can't be far behind.
Especially since she looks like a brunette "Crazy Stacey" from "Lingo" with Chuck Woolery.
Oh, and @DarkSock: Prepare to weep salty fuccen lolicopterz for our world. There are some places where Tito's is almost the same price as Goose!
The other 2 horsemen of the apocalypse can't be far behind.
# posted by : 12:51 PM
: 12:51 PM
FYI, The Doctor has completed a few 140.6 mile ironman races and will do one more in the next week. The stamina does not translate over to the area of endurance inferred by Anon. Mrs. Dr. DB can attest to that. Furthermore, I can honestly say that this is the first sentence I have ever written that used the word modicum.
Dr. DB
Dr. DB
Lana crossed her legs and tried to suppress the flow of juices that cascaded from her womb as Veraās hand lightly caressed the small of her back. Veraās breath grew warmer as it drew near; the hint of cinnamon on her lips caused Lanaās neck to break forth in an ovation of goosebumps that traversed their way to her taut and erect nipples. Her grip on the champagne flute began to loosen as she imagined their delicate and moist fingers probing each otherās innermost gardens later that eveniā¦
Shit, gotta visit the looā¦ brb.
Shit, gotta visit the looā¦ brb.
I don't know DB1 that sounds like appeasement to me, as you know the proliferation of scrotitude will soon claim all...what we will have left?
today: Grey Goose
tomorrow: Roberto Bolano and Bach
WE should take a stand now
today: Grey Goose
tomorrow: Roberto Bolano and Bach
WE should take a stand now
It's kind of sad: The 57-year-old sex offender claiming to be an Occasionally Female Reader has distracted us from the picture at hand, and more specifically, the eminently lickable legs we've been presented with. Crucial's story of sapphic lust is a good start. C'mon now, let's rally, people. I'll help out by adding a little more to Crucial's story:
...evening. Lana felt a sharp jolt of electricity as Vera's hand gently caressed the back of her leg, using just a hint of nail. Vera knew what a little scratching could do to her, that vixen. She traced her index finger slowly along her taut thigh, trailing dangerously close to her buttock...
...evening. Lana felt a sharp jolt of electricity as Vera's hand gently caressed the back of her leg, using just a hint of nail. Vera knew what a little scratching could do to her, that vixen. She traced her index finger slowly along her taut thigh, trailing dangerously close to her buttock...
....ah, yes dangerous, but dangerous in an erotic way she'd never before felt. Suddenly she knew they must rid themselves of the pesky douche, who was by now an obstacle...
...."Flip over", Vera said as her fingers slightly glazed Lana's engorged vulva.
Vera took this time to raise her fingers to her nose. Sniff sniff, "Roses", Vera thought to herself.
Vera took this time to raise her fingers to her nose. Sniff sniff, "Roses", Vera thought to herself.
@ ASvB
Did you mean "grazed" and not "glazed"? If you meant glazed, I sure as fuck want Vera as close to me at all possible times!
Did you mean "grazed" and not "glazed"? If you meant glazed, I sure as fuck want Vera as close to me at all possible times!
...Roses with a hint of salmon, but roses nonetheless. Then as Vera lovingly spread baby oil on Lana's erect nipples, Lana arched her back with a moan, a childlike, gutteral moan, not unlike the sound of a...
As Vera continued to work her nimble digits in Lana's honeypot Lana started to lose herself in the warm, tingly feeling that was beginning to envelop her. "Faster", she whispered in a deep husky moan to Vera. A small devilish smile crossed Vera's lips. She had Lana right where she wanted her and she was going to make it last for a while. Using slow circular motions on the most sensitive of nerve ending, Vera kept a pace she knew would drive Lana wild. Lana continued to squirm and arch her back nearly spilling her wine on the floor. "Bitch, you better make me cum soon or I'll have to tell Tito here what you're up to", Lana whispered into Vera's ear. Vera decided that Lana had had enough and brought her to the most glorious orgasm she had in years. "Tito could never do anything like this to me", thought Lana. She knew she had to return the favor somehow for Vera...
... always preferred the porch meat clad vibrator she had kept safely hidden away in the top drawer of her Ikea dresser...
...and by obstacle, the writer means 'pesky renal planters wart' that requires immediate removal. Good thing Lana and Vera frequent clubs that employ sharks with lasers to do their dirty work.
All this dirty work has caused the two post renal surgery sapphic goddesses to comfort one another by rubbing essence of cherry blossom oil upon each others ovular arenas with soft small circle strokes...
...and I'll be in my 'office' if anyone needs me...
All this dirty work has caused the two post renal surgery sapphic goddesses to comfort one another by rubbing essence of cherry blossom oil upon each others ovular arenas with soft small circle strokes...
...and I'll be in my 'office' if anyone needs me...
...Lana reached for the Ikea dresser, opened the drawer. Yes! There it was, the Super-Rabbit!!
Oh joy thought Lana as she flicked the switch and the monster-dong hummmmmmmmed to life.
The look on Vera's face was priceless as the tip of the rabbit worked it's way into her neither region.
Oh joy thought Lana as she flicked the switch and the monster-dong hummmmmmmmed to life.
The look on Vera's face was priceless as the tip of the rabbit worked it's way into her neither region.
.. moments later the rabbit had done its bidding. Vera was satisfied.
Lana got up, looked over at Vera who was lying on her back, one leg spread to side, the other, straight out. I want to do this again, and I want it soon.
Lana got up, looked over at Vera who was lying on her back, one leg spread to side, the other, straight out. I want to do this again, and I want it soon.
# posted by : 1:58 PM
: 1:58 PM
Lana's bedplay grew rougher as she thrust her tongue deeper into Vera; her hands, initially caressing, began to frantically paw at Vera's waist, pushing on her hips and belly.
*phrrt*
Lana froze as the warm jet of air caressed her chin. She blinked once, twice, as Vera's moans trailed off to a sigh.
*phrrr---rrr-rrrawwwwWWWWPP!
She winced as the aural assault ended with a slap of Taco Bell hot sauce and sour milk. It was foul, and Lana started to gag as the smell tickled the back of her throat. She pulled back and looked down just in time to see Vera's moistened sphincter begin to quiver and felt her gut rumble beneath her left hand. Without a second thought, Lana drove her tongue home and pressed down hard with her hand.
*PHPHPRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAPPPPTHTPHTH*
*phrrt*
Lana froze as the warm jet of air caressed her chin. She blinked once, twice, as Vera's moans trailed off to a sigh.
*phrrr---rrr-rrrawwwwWWWWPP!
She winced as the aural assault ended with a slap of Taco Bell hot sauce and sour milk. It was foul, and Lana started to gag as the smell tickled the back of her throat. She pulled back and looked down just in time to see Vera's moistened sphincter begin to quiver and felt her gut rumble beneath her left hand. Without a second thought, Lana drove her tongue home and pressed down hard with her hand.
*PHPHPRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAPPPPTHTPHTH*
.... the pressure was too great, her hand was blown from the bowels of which she tried in vain to close.
The mighty wind was like that the wind that blows across the Great Lakes in February. Cold, wet, and hard as nails.
The scent was overcoming her, she gasped, and fell to the floor.
ASvB
The mighty wind was like that the wind that blows across the Great Lakes in February. Cold, wet, and hard as nails.
The scent was overcoming her, she gasped, and fell to the floor.
ASvB
There was a small dog in the corner of the room, he buried his face in the dog bowl. But avast, it was too late. The noxious fumes had penetrated his lungs, and the acidic reaction tore at the very fabric which held his sacs together.
Minutes later, only a heaving mass was left where the dog once laid. It is a sadness that Lana could not bare.
ASvB
Minutes later, only a heaving mass was left where the dog once laid. It is a sadness that Lana could not bare.
ASvB
...As Lana washed her face, and rinsed out her mouth with a combination of Listerine and water, it suddenly occured to her, if she hurried, she could still get to Taco Bell before it closed, she suddenly had an inexplicable craving for a Big Bean Burrito and some nachos...
Ya know, no matter how hard I try to go mainstream, try to fit in, I always seem to be the guy who gets "WTF" as a first response.
I once wrote a short story back in the Usenet days and got an anonymous email response saying "That made me feel all oogly inside." Guess I'll never get published by Hallmark,eh?
I once wrote a short story back in the Usenet days and got an anonymous email response saying "That made me feel all oogly inside." Guess I'll never get published by Hallmark,eh?
Ok, in all seriousness. If the G-Shock is douche then what takes it place? Suunto? That's douche.
At least give the black G-Shocks a break. Yellow, blue, pink, white, clear, green, etc..., yeah those are douche.
I'm looking at the Mudman model because I'll kill anything else in the woods.
At least give the black G-Shocks a break. Yellow, blue, pink, white, clear, green, etc..., yeah those are douche.
I'm looking at the Mudman model because I'll kill anything else in the woods.
# posted by : 5:53 PM
: 5:53 PM
@ Whoop-di-douche 5:10 PM,
although it would be hard to outperform the original Holy White Triangle, the tiny white triangle is nevertheless impressive in its own right.
although it would be hard to outperform the original Holy White Triangle, the tiny white triangle is nevertheless impressive in its own right.
oh and i suspect Anon 11:32 AM indulges in gangbangs with douchebags who claim that they can run 100 miles whenever she's not reading HCwDB. occasional female reader all right. occasional.
she's just like Amanda!
okay sorry Amanda.
she's just like Amanda!
okay sorry Amanda.
134.
ASvB is deliberately posting incorrect numbers.
This is not funny.
Regards,
Raymond Babbitt
ASvB is deliberately posting incorrect numbers.
This is not funny.
Regards,
Raymond Babbitt
# posted by : 4:56 AM
: 4:56 AM
I see London, I see France...
Had enough? Well, guess what, there's modicum.
-noobbag
Post a Comment
Had enough? Well, guess what, there's modicum.
-noobbag
# posted by : 6:24 AM
: 6:24 AM << Home
