Hey, now.

Bagging a MILF is quite an accomplishment when you're middle aged. There's always the desperation that it could be your last.

Be nice. You'll be there one day.
 

Second that but still lose the gel
 

I like zesty cougars.
 

and the chin strap/pubes
 

Excerpt from Moby Douche:

"Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering Bleethe; to the last I grapple with thee; with gelled hair I stab at thee; for peen's sake I spit my last yogurt at thee! YARRRRR! Spongebob! Me moneyyyyy!"
 

Abraham Linkin Pork
 

Middle age is much easier with MILFs...
 

Today's math:

If your widow's peak is approaching 1/4 the length of the circumference of your skull, you may want to consider shaving your head or seeking other alternative hairstyles.
 

I've never seen a beard that wrapped around to the back of the head before. Makes his face look like a giant oval platter full of lumpy tapioca.
 

@ Mr. White

It is precisely the reasons that you give that I do indeed shave my head. Thank God for Patrick Stewart. That mofo put "the sexy back in bald" according to Mrs. Dr. HoneyDouche. If anybody doubts it, shave you head and then see. Chicks (at least most of the ones I know) LOVE to rub the solar panel for the sex machine.
 

Captain Bringdown 7:24 AM = Win
 

I'm sure he's an MMA fighter (literally, that's not a veiled insult)... Mike Whitehead. That's his name. And according to his wiki page he's 28?! I'm 28, and I reckon I could pass for his son. Why I, or anyone, would want to is another matter.

The Bleeth's tan configuration is odd. Did she wear a ski mask to the beach?

-doubleplusgood
 

Amish wheelwright Amos Scroatzfus: "Ja, next wir vill discush making de, eh, staves far de wheel. But'n virst, I vill be pounding da Missus. Ja.
 

Gelling the comb-over. Nice. Not as revolting as groin shave reveal, but douchey all the same.

Somehow I don't have the heart to rip into Nigel. Don't get me wrong. The scrotal markings are all on display, but the bile just isn't rising. I think its the look in his eyes that says, "Come on, give me a break. I've busted my ass every day of my life framing houses and running conduit. I'm a nice guy and damn lucky to have this hot wife. I know I'm mock-worthy, but don't worry, this is just pre-squeeky-squeeky dress up. I never leave the house like this."

I'll say this, Nigel. Just like all the power tool safety manuals, you read the douche book cover to cover and nailed the easy requirements. Tomorrow I expect to see a shade of orange atop your pointy dome or a tat peaking out of the sleeve. Don't disappoint now.
 

Karen has been absolutely religious about htting the stairmaster for 45 minutes every morning. God bless her, her taut forty year old body, and those fabulous who-ha's that she bought with some of the settlement money from the divorce. I would call those ham sacks a terrific investment, but she seems to be wasting them on a stage two, lumpy headed pud.

Karen, please realize that I can much better validate your desperate swipes at youth much better than Bradley McBald. I would rub you down with the finest lotions and bath salts, and would enthusiastically nibble on your lady parts.

Just sayin'.
 

@ Mr. White

in Metric: if your widow's peak is ½ the length of your fauxhawk, shave head, etc.


-noobbag
 

he must be hung like a sofa
 

i'd like to see any of you walk a mile in his shit
 

Invest your money well young men and you can have a MILF like this when you're 45 as well.
 

She reminds me of my grocery store experience yesterday in suburban San Diego. 40 something woman, stick thin, fake D cups, awful perfume, and an overpriced haircut comes by in her cart. She tried to use the express lane with a full load, and my buddy the cashier who has to take a bus to get in to the area to work his shitty job shut her ass down. Epic win, it totally gave me hope. Enjoy the small victories my friends.
 

Thanks anon, but I don't need tetanus on top of an icebreaker forehead.
 

@ anon 7:52

Why would I want to walk a mile in his shit, when i could mock a while about his shit?


-noobbag
 

Walk a mile in his shit?
 

^ THAT shit is just retarded.
 

If this guy is producing miles of shit in relatively short periods of time, he should see a doctor, stat.
 

This guy doesn't have the record for longest shit. He IS the record.

I may not like Matt and Trey all the time, but sometimes they're just beautiful.
 

Today's math, 2.0:

If the lengths of your logs are greater than 220 times the circumference of your head, it's time to see a doctor.
 

I'm "making plans for Nigel". They will include: shaving cream, a rusty straight razor, and an agitated porupine.

AV
 

That man is afflicted.

That MILF is delicious...in a paid for sort of way.
 

She's no MILF, she's 24. That's diet pills, blow and Red Bull & vodkas.

But I likey.
 

If that MILF were my main squeeze, she would not be allowed to have more than one (1) boob.

She would be required at all times to have both her knockers fully welded together into a monolithic, nippleized chest-butt, held together only by the Gorilla Glue strength of my most industrial post-MetRx jizz-fusion-adhesive.
 

Her 'gina probably looks like a catchers mitt, but I'd play ball.


This guys face has seen better days. But at least he looks happy to be with his MILF. Who knows, maybe they grew old and douchey together. It's a modern day love story.
 

Can we please do something about getting Nigel's and Axel's hotts in a Big Milf Munchdown?
 

Nigel and his mom pose for a photo before going to his 1974 class reunion.
 

Nigel is a very displeasing and dull-gray dorky douchebag, spikey hair-waves and helm-on-the-chest, uglified neck yukker.

MILF is hot-damn gorgeous.

MILF, feel free to flee the sea of gray before you.

I have a lifeboat if you are interested.
 

I'm with Archdouchious on this one - I think we are looking at a couple. A couple of idiots, no doubt, but I get this odd impression that they are "together". He's not wearing a wedding band, but then, I don't either (it was lost in the Pacific - long sad story).

His smile is quiet, his eyes are gentle. She's all about "going grey gracefully" and spending too much time in the sun. My guess? He's a contractor, and she works in a bank. They met 20 years ago at Chumley's one night during the big snow storm, they both liked jogging, jacuzzis, Jimmy Buffett, and TOOT, and shopping at Dart Drug - they will NOT be undersold (YOU BET!).

In other words: They're yuppies. Gen X yuppies, and they go out on weekends because their kid is like 16 and isn't home that much anyway. They look around them and see what the popular styles are in the crap media vortex, and it all spins out from there.
 

His name is Mike Whitehead and he's a mixed martial arts fighter. One tends to look longer in the tooth when your day job is getting blasted in the face.. And by blasted, I mean punched, as opposed to his Milf, who probly gets blasted in the face a whole different way..
 

ewwwwwww!
 

Damn, Robert Englund has really let himself go since his Freddy Kreuger days.

She's hot, in a bony kind of way.
 

It seems his face has rung a few bells of readers here. Too bad it has actually rung a few bells.

And what's with the periodic table tapestry?
 

that is Mike Whitehead, former UFC heavyweight
 

Guys, let me be the first to let everyone here know that this is NOT Mathew Stafford... nay, this is the one and only... wait for it...

... Mike Whitehead. He fights people in a rink and does other things that neanderthals like to do and stuff.
 

Wait a minute!! Is that Mike Whitehead??? Holy fuck, that changes everything!!!

No. it doesn't. Who gives a fuck who he is. He's a douche.
 

@ Troy 9:56

Good call.

She would be lovely if she quit tanning, overplucking and bleaching. I say it over and over, those are the trifecta of premature aging. Throw in smoking, and I'd be willing to bet by the looks of her lips that she is or was a smoker, and you have The Four Horseman of the Old-pocalypse.

There's no saving him, however. But I give her props for sticking around. I'll bet he has a good sense of humor. I've had my share of fat, ugly guys who made me laugh my ass off, which is much better than handsome and dull-witted any day.
 

Who the fuck is Mike Whitehead? (Before you say he's some UFC stud I don't give a shit, as the question is rhetorical.)
 

@ Southern Scrotic @ 7:06.

I'm 50, but my wife is too young to be a MILF. Maybe when she hits 35?
 

hahaha mike whitehead
 

@ BillDouchiest 12:16

Ol' Dirty (Lucky) Bastard! You are a gleaming beacon of hope for aging DoucheHaters everywhere

But seriously, I reckon Nigel is actually a 35-yr old Pom whose uber-healthy diet of lager, curry & Pall Malls is responsible for his prematurely decrepit appearance & constant wood failures.

As to the girl: MILF? Or bleeth? More importantly: To pee (in her butt) or not to pee? that is the question
 

if Nigel disappears from the face of the earth, Social Security, Medicare, and the Canada Pension Plan would remain solvent for the next 100 years.

true story.
 

He looks like the marlboro man without a hat and with a beard.
 

Yer all a bunch uv fookin' wankers! I'll swim over there and kick your yank asses, then fuck your women, then give your cops the clap, and then I may just sue you for making bad fish and chips.
 

at least it's his job to wear Affliction t-shirts since they sponsor him