Saturday, December 05, 2009
The 2009 Douchies Start On Monday
December 7th, 2009.
A date that will live in poofamy.
Yeah I'm pimping this worse than a cow with rickets trying to dunk a basketball.
No idea what that means.
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Wow, I've been away from this site for a loooong time. Can't believe it's already time for the 2009 Douchies. I think the last time I was here we had just finished the after-mocking of the 2008 winners.
DB1, if you'd spent any time on or near a dairy farm, as I did growing up, you'd know that cows don't dunk shit.
They focus on the fundamentals, not that showboating crap.
They focus on the fundamentals, not that showboating crap.
look, medusa, do you want to get married or what?
i hear you've got an italian boyfiend, but if he spunks it at the last minute (like in 1943) then i'll be there...just call me.
i hear you've got an italian boyfiend, but if he spunks it at the last minute (like in 1943) then i'll be there...just call me.
# posted by 
: 5:44 PM
: 5:44 PM
look, medusa, do you want to get married or what?
i hear you've got an italian boyfiend, but if he spunks it at the last minute (like in 1943) then i'll be there...just call me.
i hear you've got an italian boyfiend, but if he spunks it at the last minute (like in 1943) then i'll be there...just call me.
# posted by : 5:44 PM
: 5:44 PM
The Douchies. Christ on a bike - I can't believe it - the year has flown by.
To all: Gird your grid for a big one - this is going to be a few weeks of solid puke inducing douchosity. I hope my birch bark tummy is up for it.
To all: Gird your grid for a big one - this is going to be a few weeks of solid puke inducing douchosity. I hope my birch bark tummy is up for it.
I played semi-pro basketball in Europe in the early nineties, and I can verify what DB1 says; cattle are not capable of dunking a basketball when afflicted with rickets.
Other maladies, however are worse. I've seen cows, who suffered from diptheria, cut from the team when their shooting percentage dipped below twenty percent.
One time, during an extended road trip we were in Spain, playing against our most hated rivals, the Barcelona Bovines.
I was out on the perimeter gaurding the Bovine's star player, Bossie. As she drove past me, I bumped her and caused her to lose control of the basketball.
As I turned to recover the ball, Bossie reached out and tripped me, causing me to fall to the hardwood. She then proceded to kick me repeatedly while I was on the floor. I'll never forget the look of rage in her eyes as she then gored me, as I lay helpless, in the fetal position.
Finally, the referees were able to control her, pull her off me, and drag her off the floor kicking and swearing.
As I slowly got to my feet, rubbing the swollen eye and numerous abrasions I had suffered, I looked to the ref and asked, "What the hell is wrong with her?"
"Simple explanation," the official said, "Mad Cow Disease."
sorry
Other maladies, however are worse. I've seen cows, who suffered from diptheria, cut from the team when their shooting percentage dipped below twenty percent.
One time, during an extended road trip we were in Spain, playing against our most hated rivals, the Barcelona Bovines.
I was out on the perimeter gaurding the Bovine's star player, Bossie. As she drove past me, I bumped her and caused her to lose control of the basketball.
As I turned to recover the ball, Bossie reached out and tripped me, causing me to fall to the hardwood. She then proceded to kick me repeatedly while I was on the floor. I'll never forget the look of rage in her eyes as she then gored me, as I lay helpless, in the fetal position.
Finally, the referees were able to control her, pull her off me, and drag her off the floor kicking and swearing.
As I slowly got to my feet, rubbing the swollen eye and numerous abrasions I had suffered, I looked to the ref and asked, "What the hell is wrong with her?"
"Simple explanation," the official said, "Mad Cow Disease."
sorry
@scrotum pole
If she gored you with horns, then "she" was a "he."
Yet another sport ruined by questionably gendered athletes.
If she gored you with horns, then "she" was a "he."
Yet another sport ruined by questionably gendered athletes.
@ Mr. White
Is that why you said cows don't dunk?
Only the bulls have the hops as we've seen in NBA vs. WNBA.
... Unless it's Candace Parcow.
Is that why you said cows don't dunk?
Only the bulls have the hops as we've seen in NBA vs. WNBA.
... Unless it's Candace Parcow.
@ Pass tha douchie 5:44
I'll take it into strong consideration, seeing as you're a Brit, and the English are second on the list of 'Accents That Make Me Slickie In My Undies'.
But that's the best part, when he spunks it at the last minute.
OHHHHHHHHHHH!!! I went there, yes I did.
The 2009 Douchies. I'm doing my damndest to get it together. DayQuil, homemade soup from the boiled bones of the neighbor's kids-CHICKEN! Boiled bones of chicken. Ahem. I'm getting ready, indeed I am.
I'll take it into strong consideration, seeing as you're a Brit, and the English are second on the list of 'Accents That Make Me Slickie In My Undies'.
But that's the best part, when he spunks it at the last minute.
OHHHHHHHHHHH!!! I went there, yes I did.
The 2009 Douchies. I'm doing my damndest to get it together. DayQuil, homemade soup from the boiled bones of the neighbor's kids-CHICKEN! Boiled bones of chicken. Ahem. I'm getting ready, indeed I am.
BTW, welcome back, BCS, and congrats on slipping one past the goalie. It seems there is much breeding amongst 'Baghunters these days, and this makes me feel at ease. We may be steering ourselves away from Id-douche-ocracy and towards a better tomorrow. Me, I'm using the chicken broth to thaw the embryos me and Mr. White put up last winter. Mmmm, implanted chicken soup math nerd fetuses.
@medusa
I wondered why my nethers were tingling, as if somewhere, some little bits of my genetics were being warmed.
It also explains the chicken smell down there. At least I hope it explains that.
I wondered why my nethers were tingling, as if somewhere, some little bits of my genetics were being warmed.
It also explains the chicken smell down there. At least I hope it explains that.
BCS is currently bathing in a tub filled with loose arugula skins and ointments forged from the pureed nostrils of fetal wallabies. It keeps his delicate skin feeling creamy and vibrant; and it intoxicates his sentient and highly intelligent elongated tail.
What?
He never told you about his elongated tail?
What?
He never told you about his elongated tail?
@ Medusa 7:48
I have been told that my Italian and English accents, as well as my Mexican and Eskimo, are more than passable and I top of that, I can do Gilbert Gottfried and Meatwad from ATHF.
Just thought you should know.
I have been told that my Italian and English accents, as well as my Mexican and Eskimo, are more than passable and I top of that, I can do Gilbert Gottfried and Meatwad from ATHF.
Just thought you should know.
oh i just have the worst hangover.
god dam those south americans and their tasty sodding wine.
god dam those south americans and their tasty sodding wine.
# posted by : 3:13 AM
: 3:13 AM
i've proposed to medusa on a few occasions actually, mr. (or mrs) anonymous.
however i don't think she takes the joke seriously, as we've never met.
however i don't think she takes the joke seriously, as we've never met.
# posted by : 5:00 AM
: 5:00 AM
strangely though, i could imagine, if i ever were to get married (probably to someone i've met first), it would be very likely to be whilst being absolutely fucking hammered...and i'd wake up one grey rainy morning, hung-over, to find myself married to a hooker in Bognor-Regis.
watch this.
watch this.
# posted by : 5:01 AM
: 5:01 AM
my porn stash is ready for the Douchies.
and let me tell you, securing sufficient masturbation-worthy videos and pics to remedy all the trauma i will be suffering through the Douchies is no walk in the park.
and let me tell you, securing sufficient masturbation-worthy videos and pics to remedy all the trauma i will be suffering through the Douchies is no walk in the park.
"deferredsuccessblog.org"?
I also miss George Carlin - were we to have a "Fathers of Douchebaggery" section here (for Donald Trump, etc.), then we would surely have to have a corresponding "Fathers of 'Baghunting" section to commemorate the efforts of Carlin and others who properly denigrate assclownery.
I also miss George Carlin - were we to have a "Fathers of Douchebaggery" section here (for Donald Trump, etc.), then we would surely have to have a corresponding "Fathers of 'Baghunting" section to commemorate the efforts of Carlin and others who properly denigrate assclownery.
Oh, and a "Hello" to bcs, and congratulations on impending fatherhood! I'm glad we shall have another 'baghunter joining the ranks - just don't let him learn how to post hyperlinks. Yet, I think my initial shock over "dresssox" has worn off.
@filthy
Just knowing it was my poo would somehow make me feel better. I just wanted to contribute something.
Just knowing it was my poo would somehow make me feel better. I just wanted to contribute something.
A cow with rickets? Didn't Plinky's mom come down with a mad case of the rickets after riding BCS's downtown train?
You're right, dude.. Plinky's mom can't dunk worth a sh!t.
You're right, dude.. Plinky's mom can't dunk worth a sh!t.
# posted by : 3:11 PM
: 3:11 PM
I think Mr. Oblongata might have married me while he was drunk. That was the only day he was ever polite to me.
What douche or wannabe douche doesn't want the Joey Porsche trophy? Bring 'em on!
# posted by : 4:10 PM
: 4:10 PM
@Medusa:
Sympathies. My first wife was a chihuahua in a people suit. Short, skinny, nervy, nasty, and bitter. Brrrrr...
It took me four years to wake up from that nightmare.
Sympathies. My first wife was a chihuahua in a people suit. Short, skinny, nervy, nasty, and bitter. Brrrrr...
It took me four years to wake up from that nightmare.
@ Troy ^
BWAAAAHAHAHAHAAAA!!! That's a lovely image. I'm picturing something like the Cockroach alien in Men In Black wearing the man-skin suit. Only it's a teeny, yappy dog with a sparkly pink collar ripping out of the dude's face.
@ BVG 12:46
Yes, but can you easily do all of them in one session of coitus without screwing up? 'Cause that would really be something.
BWAAAAHAHAHAHAAAA!!! That's a lovely image. I'm picturing something like the Cockroach alien in Men In Black wearing the man-skin suit. Only it's a teeny, yappy dog with a sparkly pink collar ripping out of the dude's face.
@ BVG 12:46
Yes, but can you easily do all of them in one session of coitus without screwing up? 'Cause that would really be something.
ran across a pack o'douche tonight at work. A father and four sons who were early teens down to about 7. The father had frosted tips, crazy spiked doucheness crown with shaved sides. The sons were following suit with the oldest being a carbon copy of papa douche and the youngest with only a hint of douche having a mere spiked cowlick. is this a common phenomenon? made me want to stick my face in a blender filled with battery acid to forget the pain of seeing this atrocity.
After a couple of years reading everything on this comments page, I've concluded nothing or no one is as douchey as the people sending in their observations.
Samurai Scrote concurs. He's as offended as I am.
Samurai Scrote concurs. He's as offended as I am.
@Medusa:
Yeah - exactly like that, only the body isn't some schlub who runs a magazine stand, but a slender, petite, and attractive woman with dark blonde hair, a toothy smile, a PhD, and a heart carved from cold dead steel by her own bitterness and narcissism.
Oddly enough, it was all so long ago at this point, that I don't really care. But she's fun to make fun of. All my friends said "You're marrying her? WTF? You nuts?" Sigh. I was as much of an idiot as she was a battle axe from hell. It takes two to tango, I suppose. Long ago, far away.
To quote Leonard Cohen:
I don't mean to suggest that I loved you the best,
I can't keep track of each fallen robin.
I remember you well in the Chelsea Hotel,
that's all, I don't even think of you that often.
Yeah - exactly like that, only the body isn't some schlub who runs a magazine stand, but a slender, petite, and attractive woman with dark blonde hair, a toothy smile, a PhD, and a heart carved from cold dead steel by her own bitterness and narcissism.
Oddly enough, it was all so long ago at this point, that I don't really care. But she's fun to make fun of. All my friends said "You're marrying her? WTF? You nuts?" Sigh. I was as much of an idiot as she was a battle axe from hell. It takes two to tango, I suppose. Long ago, far away.
To quote Leonard Cohen:
I don't mean to suggest that I loved you the best,
I can't keep track of each fallen robin.
I remember you well in the Chelsea Hotel,
that's all, I don't even think of you that often.
don't mean to offend, whoop-di-douche. new here, just getting overly excited at my first true bag sighting? who knows? all i know is that the mere vapor trail of taint lick these bags left would have been enough to topple the mighty oopma proompa crew
AS the infamous crew once stated,
"We're all bozos on this bus."
And so yea, and ja, and yup, we're all douchebags on this site. Even DB1 is, he admits it. Douchebag 1. Clear as Spanglish in Callyfornyah!
May we strive to throw off the chains of douchery, little by little, as in pulling off the wings of green bottle flies in the back of the 5th grade classroom on an otherwise boring day.
and TARMAL to ya!
"We're all bozos on this bus."
And so yea, and ja, and yup, we're all douchebags on this site. Even DB1 is, he admits it. Douchebag 1. Clear as Spanglish in Callyfornyah!
May we strive to throw off the chains of douchery, little by little, as in pulling off the wings of green bottle flies in the back of the 5th grade classroom on an otherwise boring day.
and TARMAL to ya!
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: 6:12 PM << Home
