Friday, December 18, 2009
HCwDB of the Year: Smoot and Crystal
What more can be said, as we crown our HCwDB couple for 2009?
Only that our voting thread was epic deconstruction, and should be studied by talmudic scholars for many years to come.
Smoot and Crystal. Cystal and Smoot.
All that is hottie/douchey and douchey/hottie about our world we live in in 2009.
The run begins, followed by pic #2, pic #3 , pic #4, pic #5, pic #6, pic #7, pic #8, pic #9, pic #10 with King D and pic #11.
A well earned prize of superdouchosity and tasty hottitude.
Well done, everyone. Except Smoot's parents.
Here are your 2009 Douchie Award Winners:
Douchiest Hair: Hairy Belafonte
Most Expensive First Date Hott: Rebecca The Loop Girl
Douchiest Tattoo: Rated "P" For Poo
Douchiest Facial Expression: The Punch-Face
Clearest Proof of Natural Selection: The Incredible Yolk
Douchiest "Athlete": Jeff Reed
Hottest Librarian Hott: Dewey Hott
Douchiest Hand Gesture: The Hypothetical Gun
Jerziest Jerz: Guido Buttchinsky
Greasiest Grease Stain: A Clockwork Orange
The Ricky Award: Sammy
Sexiest Back Curve: The Barrowbag's Alana
Douchiest Imitation of Deathtongue: The Hurt Licker
Best Friday Ass Pear: Ass Pear La Plante
Best Golden Globes: Raquel
Best Golden Globes II: The Eiffel Towers
Orangest Orange: Cheeto Man
Hottest Girl Next Door Hott: Cynthia
Douchiest Home Video: Mikey Batz Frolics in the Parking Lot
Most European Eurobag: The Eurobag
Crimsonest Crimson: Crimson Ted
Most Annoying 'Bagling: Suburban Pimp
Greatest Crisis of Modernity: The Sterilizer
Douchiest Hipsterbag: The Hipsterbag
Douchiest Facial Hair: The 'Stachebagger
Douchiest New 'Bag Trend: Groin Shave Reveal
Douchiest Baguette: Lips McGee
Douchiest Hat Tilt: Bucky
Douchiest 'Bagcessory: Blackerry Bob
Smells Like Poo: Poo
Most Likely to be a Part of the HCwDB Show at the Guggenheim in 2023: "Pool Pear". Additional Art Awards to: Ass Pear in Chains, Still Life with Wheelbarrow,and FratsnHotts Playing Pool.
The Yellowtail: The Leatherbag
Celebrity HCwDB of the Year: Tiger Woods and the Nanny
Hottest Hotts of the Year: Rachelle and Clarissa
And of course...
The Irving Thallbag Lifetime Achievement Award: Donkey Douche
Rather than do a 'Bag hunter and huntress of the Year, I've decided to induct a Class of 2009 of our best and brightest 'bag mockers from the comments thread. Joining the 2008 Class (Baron Von Goolo, DarkSock and the Late Pfah) will be the following:
Troy Tempest, Steve L, Wheezer, Medusa Oblongata, creature, Crucial Head, Mr. White, Archidoucheis, Mr. Biggs, Vin Douchal, Sergent Scrote Stain, boatbutter, Captain Bringdown, Whoop-di-douche, Jacques Doucheteau, massengill and Dr. Bunsen Honeydouche.
Also special 'Baghunter Pic Awards to George S. and Il Douché.
This is not to discount the many other superb 'bag hunters and huntresses, all of whom remain eligible for the 2010 induction class (with a number of promising leads already). Only that we most canonize those whose tireless commitment to mocking/lusting carries this site onward into a new decade.
Them's your 2009 Douchie Awards.
Your humble narrator, The DB1, just arrived in New York for three weeks of alcoholism, pursuing urbane New York hotties who brush by him quickly, and, of course, extensive mocking of Bridge and Tunnel Guids.
Yup. I'se is gettin' drunk already.
Comments:
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All Hail the Winnahs, most especially my fellow baghunters and 'huntresses. Congrats on your induction into the HoM (Hall of Mock).
I have a standard - a goal to which to aspire in 2010.
I have a standard - a goal to which to aspire in 2010.
We need a memorial wing for the Hunters and Huntresses of the Year.
Pfah, BCS, Plinky, Douchetoevsky, Douche Vader, Mitch Meats... and many others that forged the way for the rest of us.
Pfah, BCS, Plinky, Douchetoevsky, Douche Vader, Mitch Meats... and many others that forged the way for the rest of us.
pfah wouldn't want a memorial. He'd want us to doggy-bag his hot pregnant wife and street race is VW until the transmission fell out.
I'm pretty sure that's what he'd want.
I'm pretty sure that's what he'd want.
@Crucial Head 1041
He is being beaten with a dress filled with hams in picture 4 of the series - does that count?
He is being beaten with a dress filled with hams in picture 4 of the series - does that count?
# posted by 
: 10:47 AM
: 10:47 AM
how the fuck did i not win ‘baghunter of the year?? all those other reg’s just copy stupid jokes from all over the internet and babble on about their political views and how cool their stupid jobs are. being king of anons, i feel i have made the most contributions to this site. plus i took out all those old regs who weren’t funny any more. like that bald diseased man phah.
fuck all ya’ll and you too db not!
there is none more witty than i and the rest of my anon posse.
fuck all ya’ll and you too db not!
there is none more witty than i and the rest of my anon posse.
# posted by : 10:49 AM
: 10:49 AM
My first Douchies and I am thoroughly spent. I must say though, that I can now crack walrus nuts with my right hand.
Big time praises for the inductees into the Hall of Mock (copyright, Summer's Eve). I can only hope to attain your level of wit, rage, and alcoholism.
A local radio station turned me on to HCwDB back in July and I tuned in for the hotts. I stayed because of each of you.
Your commentary has brought me much needed comfort and IOBs through many a difficult and tiresome day, including smack in the middle of a teleconference where I burst out laughing uncontrollably, shouting "Yes, f*cking right! F*cking hilarious!", only to discover that God had taken the phone off of mute. Still employed; still mocking.
Much thanks to management for putting up with us and coming back day after day. DB1, you must truly loathe yourself to wade into such loathsome, degenerate, and repugnant poo in order to offer up the finest kernals for our commenting and fwapping pleasure.
I love ya, and I hate ya.
Looking forward to 2010, right hand on Johnson, left hand on keyboard.
Though maybe I'll switch it up. I'm beginning to look like half of Popeye.
Big time praises for the inductees into the Hall of Mock (copyright, Summer's Eve). I can only hope to attain your level of wit, rage, and alcoholism.
A local radio station turned me on to HCwDB back in July and I tuned in for the hotts. I stayed because of each of you.
Your commentary has brought me much needed comfort and IOBs through many a difficult and tiresome day, including smack in the middle of a teleconference where I burst out laughing uncontrollably, shouting "Yes, f*cking right! F*cking hilarious!", only to discover that God had taken the phone off of mute. Still employed; still mocking.
Much thanks to management for putting up with us and coming back day after day. DB1, you must truly loathe yourself to wade into such loathsome, degenerate, and repugnant poo in order to offer up the finest kernals for our commenting and fwapping pleasure.
I love ya, and I hate ya.
Looking forward to 2010, right hand on Johnson, left hand on keyboard.
Though maybe I'll switch it up. I'm beginning to look like half of Popeye.
**Breaking News!!**
BCS is currently circulating flyers throughout the Cleveland Warehouse District with crudely scrawled images of various porch beef coital positions in an effort to bring about everlasting peace in the East Coast and West Coast gangsta rap wars.
And Plinky is currently spooning with an oversized spatula in a vat of his mother’s expulsed pimple pus.
BCS is currently circulating flyers throughout the Cleveland Warehouse District with crudely scrawled images of various porch beef coital positions in an effort to bring about everlasting peace in the East Coast and West Coast gangsta rap wars.
And Plinky is currently spooning with an oversized spatula in a vat of his mother’s expulsed pimple pus.
# posted by : 11:00 AM
: 11:00 AM
Way to go Smoot! I advise snorting a huuuuge fuckin' line of coke to celebrate your win. What? Nooo, it's not bad for you. Just try it--you'll love it. I hear it mixes well with 'roids, too.
# posted by : 11:05 AM
: 11:05 AM
Which factor hurts my contention for the Hall of Mock more: My apathy to getting a blogger account, or me being painfully not funny?
# posted by : 11:07 AM
: 11:07 AM
With the Douchies having concluded, I tilt my trucker cap 30 degrees to the rest of the 'Baghunters and 'Baghuntresses out there (especially to the Class of '09 inductees). And now, for your holiday pleasure, I have composed for all of you:
The Twelve Days of Christmas ('Baghunter style)
...On the twelfth day of Christmas, DB1 gave to me:
Twelve Cabo guidos dancing
Eleven woo-hotties Woo!-ing
Ten Pippy's Pippettes
Nine baghunters *fwap*ing
Eight Raquels milking their chesticles
Seven hotts in a Vegas bacteria pool
Six bottles of Grey Goose
Five gold cock rings
Four douches calling me "HATTER"
Three French Eurobags
Two Kettleheads
And an ass pear in a porch beef tree
Merry Christmas to all those who mock! And remember--if Santa tries to slip some Axe body spray or a massive blinged-out watch in your stocking, kick him in the sack.
The Twelve Days of Christmas ('Baghunter style)
...On the twelfth day of Christmas, DB1 gave to me:
Twelve Cabo guidos dancing
Eleven woo-hotties Woo!-ing
Ten Pippy's Pippettes
Nine baghunters *fwap*ing
Eight Raquels milking their chesticles
Seven hotts in a Vegas bacteria pool
Six bottles of Grey Goose
Five gold cock rings
Four douches calling me "HATTER"
Three French Eurobags
Two Kettleheads
And an ass pear in a porch beef tree
Merry Christmas to all those who mock! And remember--if Santa tries to slip some Axe body spray or a massive blinged-out watch in your stocking, kick him in the sack.
# posted by : 11:13 AM
: 11:13 AM
Was Smoot's crowning ever, ever in doubt?
And by crowning I mean the hellacious, fissured turd that he grunted forth from his waxed and bleached balloon knot with the aid of steel forceps after 14 hours of pre-labor?
You are the king, Smoot. Now, go have a Fresca. You'll get nothing else and like it.
@Crucial. I blush, but I got a long way to go before getting that kind of love. Gonna be a fun ride though.
And by crowning I mean the hellacious, fissured turd that he grunted forth from his waxed and bleached balloon knot with the aid of steel forceps after 14 hours of pre-labor?
You are the king, Smoot. Now, go have a Fresca. You'll get nothing else and like it.
@Crucial. I blush, but I got a long way to go before getting that kind of love. Gonna be a fun ride though.
Ahh, I was sure CMJ was going to take it. Oh well, we all lose in the end anyway. Congrats to the class of 2009 and I hope to see you all in the new year... or whenever DB1 posts more douchey/hottie/boobie/ass pear pictures.
# posted by : 11:19 AM
: 11:19 AM
Congratulations to all!
Now I'm off to St. Lucia for 10 days in the sun!
Happy Holidays, and a happy New Year to all.
Now I'm off to St. Lucia for 10 days in the sun!
Happy Holidays, and a happy New Year to all.
Oh well, Smoot won (lost). He makes up for FishSlaps beat down to JP in 2007. At any rate, I still think EBlo, CMJ and Smoot all need to be inducted into the HoS stat.
What a year. I'm afraid of what next year will bring.
Merry Christmas to all and all praise to Xenu.
What a year. I'm afraid of what next year will bring.
Merry Christmas to all and all praise to Xenu.
As a fresh inductee into the Class of 2009, I must accept this honor with grace and humility. Thank you all for helping me along the way, and fulfilling my dreams. *sniff*
Oh, except for you Dad. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, FUCK YOU! You said I'd never amount to anything in life, well fucking take a look now! In your face, bitch! IN YOUR FAAAAAAAAAAEEECE!!!!!
Ahem, thank you all again from the bottom of my heart. Until we meet again at the 2010 Douchies, peace be with you all.
Right, except for my asshole drunk father who can SUCK IT! YEAH BITCH!
Oh, except for you Dad. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, FUCK YOU! You said I'd never amount to anything in life, well fucking take a look now! In your face, bitch! IN YOUR FAAAAAAAAAAEEECE!!!!!
Ahem, thank you all again from the bottom of my heart. Until we meet again at the 2010 Douchies, peace be with you all.
Right, except for my asshole drunk father who can SUCK IT! YEAH BITCH!
Well, hot shit on a fish's tit - I won something.
Congratulations to all!
fish tits. Mike gets a prize.
I would like to nominate new entries into the Oxford English Dictionary:
1. Porch Beef
2. Fish Tits
3. Pee in her Butt
Wowza. I need some likker folks...
Congratulations to all!
fish tits. Mike gets a prize.
I would like to nominate new entries into the Oxford English Dictionary:
1. Porch Beef
2. Fish Tits
3. Pee in her Butt
Wowza. I need some likker folks...
What happened to Pfah, anyway? I'm still around, I just knew it was time to step down for the new generation to mock without us old codgers waxing nostalgic about the good ol' days of 'bag hunting...
- Mitch Meats
- Mitch Meats
Seeing as how I changed my vote for best baghunter at least three times, that's a great solution Boss.
O what horrors await us in 2010?
O what horrors await us in 2010?
DB1,
Another fantastic year of hilarity and dedication to fighting the good fight. Thanks for all your hard work. And by hard, I mean inebriated.
Another fantastic year of hilarity and dedication to fighting the good fight. Thanks for all your hard work. And by hard, I mean inebriated.
Oh, and about Smoot.
I think it is interesting how much the past two year's winners resemble each other.
First: Smoot and the Hooligan.
Both are roided up sneering jackasses with bad tatts.
They both incarnate narcissistic stupidity disorder.
They both have disdain for anyone outside of their tiny tiny worlds.
They are both musclebound retards.
Then, the women, Carly and Crystal. Both stage 4 bleeths.
The only question in my mind is: when will Crystal get the inflat-O-chest treatment like Carly's flesh balloons? She's about due, given her looks and the company she keeps.
In this case, I think the Hooligan and Carly are douchier, but not by much.
God, these people make me ill.
I think it is interesting how much the past two year's winners resemble each other.
First: Smoot and the Hooligan.
Both are roided up sneering jackasses with bad tatts.
They both incarnate narcissistic stupidity disorder.
They both have disdain for anyone outside of their tiny tiny worlds.
They are both musclebound retards.
Then, the women, Carly and Crystal. Both stage 4 bleeths.
The only question in my mind is: when will Crystal get the inflat-O-chest treatment like Carly's flesh balloons? She's about due, given her looks and the company she keeps.
In this case, I think the Hooligan and Carly are douchier, but not by much.
God, these people make me ill.
Saaaaweeet!
Another way to rationalize my alcoholism! Thanks DB1 and fellow baghunters who enable my addiction!
I smell a bender comin' on!
Another way to rationalize my alcoholism! Thanks DB1 and fellow baghunters who enable my addiction!
I smell a bender comin' on!
Speaking of Pfah. I received this disturbing letter the other day, and thought I should share it with all of you.
Dear HCwDB readers,
This letter is to confirm my absence from this site as of late. I have become consumed with someone we all know and love:
Plinky’s mom.
Plinky’s mom loves me bad. Pudding of a woman, the moons behind her spectacles wax for the love of me. She bleats after me, udders wagging, tongue lolling, buttocks dimpling - attended by flies. She is all armpit hair and thigh flesh. Her spectacles, thick as hog's hooves, slide down her snout until arrested by that sexy bump.
She nudges them with a fat finger; then grins. She writes me love notes with her eyes. Her mouth foams with abashment - she speaks, she doesn’t speak: ecstasies of impossible love.
“Don't ever let that thing come here again,” my friends always tell me. But she haunts the window seat and the fridge nook. She leaves the imprint of her navel on the screen door. Bowl-like; it is like the sag in a collapsed cake. When her lips spread apart, one could see that she has only three yellowing teeth in her mouth. Yet they cling to her gums like rickety rat teeth, two on top and one crooked incisor along the bottom.
But I can’t quit that woman. Maybe someday, after months of rehab, I will gain the strength to rejoin my fellow hunters and huntresses. Until then, we must, like Lämp, bides our time.
Sincerely,
Pfah M. Weinstein
Dear HCwDB readers,
This letter is to confirm my absence from this site as of late. I have become consumed with someone we all know and love:
Plinky’s mom.
Plinky’s mom loves me bad. Pudding of a woman, the moons behind her spectacles wax for the love of me. She bleats after me, udders wagging, tongue lolling, buttocks dimpling - attended by flies. She is all armpit hair and thigh flesh. Her spectacles, thick as hog's hooves, slide down her snout until arrested by that sexy bump.
She nudges them with a fat finger; then grins. She writes me love notes with her eyes. Her mouth foams with abashment - she speaks, she doesn’t speak: ecstasies of impossible love.
“Don't ever let that thing come here again,” my friends always tell me. But she haunts the window seat and the fridge nook. She leaves the imprint of her navel on the screen door. Bowl-like; it is like the sag in a collapsed cake. When her lips spread apart, one could see that she has only three yellowing teeth in her mouth. Yet they cling to her gums like rickety rat teeth, two on top and one crooked incisor along the bottom.
But I can’t quit that woman. Maybe someday, after months of rehab, I will gain the strength to rejoin my fellow hunters and huntresses. Until then, we must, like Lämp, bides our time.
Sincerely,
Pfah M. Weinstein
Like the guitar slingin', Kodiak spittin' degenrate I am I humbly appreciate being lumped into the same paragraph as the greats, Boss.
From the hilarity of Crucial's italicized snapshot of the scenes before us to Troy's educated disdain for all things douchey to Medusa's arrousing sapphic outlook to Doc/Sergent Scrote Stain/boatbutter/Captain Bringdown's spot on twisted wackiness toWheezer's incredible recall ability to Mr White's long haired hip-hippy-teacher outlook to creature/Jacques/Whoopyi/Archi/Steve/Massengill's consistent and persistent mocking I feel like I'm playing right field and batting ninth in this lineup.
Good on ya all.
P.S. Francine is inconsolable. I have my work cut out for me. Thank you, Cialis ®.
From the hilarity of Crucial's italicized snapshot of the scenes before us to Troy's educated disdain for all things douchey to Medusa's arrousing sapphic outlook to Doc/Sergent Scrote Stain/boatbutter/Captain Bringdown's spot on twisted wackiness toWheezer's incredible recall ability to Mr White's long haired hip-hippy-teacher outlook to creature/Jacques/Whoopyi/Archi/Steve/Massengill's consistent and persistent mocking I feel like I'm playing right field and batting ninth in this lineup.
Good on ya all.
P.S. Francine is inconsolable. I have my work cut out for me. Thank you, Cialis ®.
@Crucial
That is just deeply, deeply wrong. Once again your way with words has forced me to dissolve nerds in vodka and use a funnel and a handstand to try to wash the mental images I now have from my mind. Why I always try to start the washing process from the furthest orifice from my brain I don't know. But I am sure that once the last sugary rush kicks in I will find a way to blame that one on Darksock.
One phrase that was sadly missing from the list of thing we ought to get into a dictionary of 2009: Viking Yoghurt Rodeo. One of Darksock's best efforts. The multi-man inverted-Symbian-ride is another image that I cannot wash away. No matter how much candy laced ethanol I pour into my ass.
That is just deeply, deeply wrong. Once again your way with words has forced me to dissolve nerds in vodka and use a funnel and a handstand to try to wash the mental images I now have from my mind. Why I always try to start the washing process from the furthest orifice from my brain I don't know. But I am sure that once the last sugary rush kicks in I will find a way to blame that one on Darksock.
One phrase that was sadly missing from the list of thing we ought to get into a dictionary of 2009: Viking Yoghurt Rodeo. One of Darksock's best efforts. The multi-man inverted-Symbian-ride is another image that I cannot wash away. No matter how much candy laced ethanol I pour into my ass.
# posted by : 2:30 PM
: 2:30 PM
@Crucial 12:57
As I curl up around my own bottle of Makers (You've won a convert...not sure if you saw my post of the other day), I shall read again and again the entrancing prose of Pfah's confession, and lose just a little bit more of the lining in my esophagus.
You are E.B. White, Dr. Victoria Z, and L. Ron Hubbard all smushed into one.
As I curl up around my own bottle of Makers (You've won a convert...not sure if you saw my post of the other day), I shall read again and again the entrancing prose of Pfah's confession, and lose just a little bit more of the lining in my esophagus.
You are E.B. White, Dr. Victoria Z, and L. Ron Hubbard all smushed into one.
@Blain, ^2:21
Why would you say that? Clair is a perfectly decent, memorable moniker. Just ask DuckSack or MoochMats
Why would you say that? Clair is a perfectly decent, memorable moniker. Just ask DuckSack or MoochMats
DB1,
Boss, thank you very much for including me in the Class of 2009, for I find myself humbled to join the ranks of my esteemed fellow 'baghunters/huntresses. (Besides, I was gonna vote for DarkSock again anyway. Heh heh.....)
May we mock all that is scrote and lust all that is boobie hottie suckle thigh/shoulder for as long as the good fight yearns for the battle.
Your broheim,
Wheezer
Boss, thank you very much for including me in the Class of 2009, for I find myself humbled to join the ranks of my esteemed fellow 'baghunters/huntresses. (Besides, I was gonna vote for DarkSock again anyway. Heh heh.....)
May we mock all that is scrote and lust all that is boobie hottie suckle thigh/shoulder for as long as the good fight yearns for the battle.
Your broheim,
Wheezer
Oh, and with his victory/defeat, Smoot's probably just about automatically eligible for HoS membership anyway, right?
Heh heh, I said "member." Uh huh huh huh huh huh.....
Heh heh, I said "member." Uh huh huh huh huh huh.....
very well done... I look forward to another great year in the "decade of the douche" douche on!
# posted by : 2:44 PM
: 2:44 PM
@Scroteophobic,
Viking Yogurt Rodeo was indeed, one of the highlighted phrases of this year. Worthy to be listed in the pantheon of great phrases originating in these comments threads - like “porch beef, fellatio handle bars, salty fuccen tears, bunny made of kittens, cockk,” etc, etc…
@End the Haberdouchery,
You’ll get in next year if I have anything to say about it. You’ve always been a funny fuccen cockk.
@Scrotatohead,
Better late than never. I made my conversion at the tender age of four. My mother, disgusted at my penchant for suckling teat, thrust a bottle of the Mark in my mouth, and it has been love ever since.
@Everyone else,
You have made my year. With DB1’s guidance, and your witty banter, I have successfully squandered 1,873,600 hours of work this year. And I’m pretty I wasted a few more hours of family time at home. But like Lämp always says, “Ǿ Θ♂ ☺☼ ☼☼♦□♣”.
FUE!!
Viking Yogurt Rodeo was indeed, one of the highlighted phrases of this year. Worthy to be listed in the pantheon of great phrases originating in these comments threads - like “porch beef, fellatio handle bars, salty fuccen tears, bunny made of kittens, cockk,” etc, etc…
@End the Haberdouchery,
You’ll get in next year if I have anything to say about it. You’ve always been a funny fuccen cockk.
@Scrotatohead,
Better late than never. I made my conversion at the tender age of four. My mother, disgusted at my penchant for suckling teat, thrust a bottle of the Mark in my mouth, and it has been love ever since.
@Everyone else,
You have made my year. With DB1’s guidance, and your witty banter, I have successfully squandered 1,873,600 hours of work this year. And I’m pretty I wasted a few more hours of family time at home. But like Lämp always says, “Ǿ Θ♂ ☺☼ ☼☼♦□♣”.
FUE!!
Another great year. Congrats to smoot. Although to me he's just like last years winner(loser) fishslap. E-blo your robotic face will haunt me forever.
# posted by : 2:56 PM
: 2:56 PM
I've always been partial to the prases baby yoghurt, the blumpkin, and of course one must not forget the pink sock.
I think the Hall of Mock (thank you to Summer's Eve, 10:34 a.m.) needs a Sergeant-at-Arms.
Step up, Flyteeth! Talk about "tailor-made position"!
Step up, Flyteeth! Talk about "tailor-made position"!
Congrats to Smoot, and to the new mock inductees. I salute you all.
I can now reveal that Mrs. Equis's choice for HCwDBOTY was E-Blo and Britney. You can only begin to imagine the marital rift this caused, the under-the-breath muttering of "Smoot rules . . . E-Blo, well, blows . . ." and "You are such a douchebag you wouldn't know a douchebag if he hit you with a douchebag . . .". It's made a difficult holiday season even more difficult.
Other than that tiny tsunami, the Douchies gave me a sorely needed daily laugh. Thanks to all of you for your efforts.
I can now reveal that Mrs. Equis's choice for HCwDBOTY was E-Blo and Britney. You can only begin to imagine the marital rift this caused, the under-the-breath muttering of "Smoot rules . . . E-Blo, well, blows . . ." and "You are such a douchebag you wouldn't know a douchebag if he hit you with a douchebag . . .". It's made a difficult holiday season even more difficult.
Other than that tiny tsunami, the Douchies gave me a sorely needed daily laugh. Thanks to all of you for your efforts.
# posted by : 3:10 PM
: 3:10 PM
@Jaques Doucheteau^
Ahhhh, my friend. You got me with that once before. Not again. Nope. Counseling, medication, meditation, and a 3-month course on black velvet Elvis painting has helped to make that link but a faded memory.
Cheers to you.
Ahhhh, my friend. You got me with that once before. Not again. Nope. Counseling, medication, meditation, and a 3-month course on black velvet Elvis painting has helped to make that link but a faded memory.
Cheers to you.
Black velvet Elvis painting? Was it Elvis painted on black velvet, or a velvet painting of a black Elvis?
There's a velvet painting museum in Portland, OR. They even have a black light room.
There's a velvet painting museum in Portland, OR. They even have a black light room.
Smoot conquers all in the year of the ox; it seems fitting. I hear the sweet refrains of "Ice, Ice Baby" in the background.
Congratulations to all the contestants, and my thanks go out to the class of '09 for providing a lot of laughs. Outstanding effort.
Friday, nearly 4 pm. Time for a nice martini. Happy Holidays.
Congratulations to all the contestants, and my thanks go out to the class of '09 for providing a lot of laughs. Outstanding effort.
Friday, nearly 4 pm. Time for a nice martini. Happy Holidays.
I think the Reader Mike and the other Mike should get in the Hall of Mock next year too.
And Jonezy, even though he just read's Darksock's comments.
And IdahoHottPott. Nude.
And Jonezy, even though he just read's Darksock's comments.
And IdahoHottPott. Nude.
Crucial,
I gotta step up my game if I wanna make the Hall. I'm not nearly as consistent as the rest of you heartless bastards. I mean heartless bastards in the nicest possible way. I'm still grateful for the compliment, though.
Maybe a name change, as well. There's a hell of a lot of Mikes floating around here.
Crimson Ted will always be the biggest douche for me. I've got a feeling we'll see him again, though. That prissy little bitch won't be able to stay away from a camera for that long.
Smoot's roidy ballsack will celebrate with a tall cold glass of creatine and frantic anal with a sedated gibbon. Crystal will say "woo," pass out on the sofa, and thus we'll begin another year of merciless mock at the expence of assbags everywhere, and the women that run up their credit cards.
God bless us all, every one. Even Bucky.
I gotta step up my game if I wanna make the Hall. I'm not nearly as consistent as the rest of you heartless bastards. I mean heartless bastards in the nicest possible way. I'm still grateful for the compliment, though.
Maybe a name change, as well. There's a hell of a lot of Mikes floating around here.
Crimson Ted will always be the biggest douche for me. I've got a feeling we'll see him again, though. That prissy little bitch won't be able to stay away from a camera for that long.
Smoot's roidy ballsack will celebrate with a tall cold glass of creatine and frantic anal with a sedated gibbon. Crystal will say "woo," pass out on the sofa, and thus we'll begin another year of merciless mock at the expence of assbags everywhere, and the women that run up their credit cards.
God bless us all, every one. Even Bucky.
Whaddya know, 'Sock? We're upperclassmen! How fectup is that?
Darksock is Otter, I'm gonna be D-Day and the rest of you break up into groups of Pintos and Flounders.
Except for you, Medusa. You get to be Dean Wormer's wife. GrrrROWRrrrr...
Kudos.
Darksock is Otter, I'm gonna be D-Day and the rest of you break up into groups of Pintos and Flounders.
Except for you, Medusa. You get to be Dean Wormer's wife. GrrrROWRrrrr...
Kudos.
Darksock is Otter.....Except for you, Medusa. You get to be Dean Wormer's wife. GrrrROWRrrrr...
Hay Baron, I hope Mrs. 'Sock understands. Meanwhile, can I be Mayor "Carmine" at the parade? If so, I can also say, "Thank you, God."
Just wonderin'.....
Hay Baron, I hope Mrs. 'Sock understands. Meanwhile, can I be Mayor "Carmine" at the parade? If so, I can also say, "Thank you, God."
Just wonderin'.....
Smooooooooot! I fucking love this guy. Such 'tude. And I love the way he upstages the bleeths in every photo opp. "Aw, hell no, don't you be lookin' at her! Look at me, I'm the shit!" Ahem, without the 'the'.
Swear to God, if I ever run into him, I'm buying him a drink for all of the amusement he has provided me.
Swear to God, if I ever run into him, I'm buying him a drink for all of the amusement he has provided me.
# posted by : 5:54 PM
: 5:54 PM
Jess thawt I'd pass by an let youall no that I'm purty buszed right now.
Not drunk.
Juthsed bizzed.
Cheeerss!
Not drunk.
Juthsed bizzed.
Cheeerss!
Croosh, you gettin' drunk vicariously through the Boss?
Yeah right, like there's not a drained bottle of the Mark somewhere around Croosh's drafting table. And by the one at home, too.
I watched The Brady Bunch. I know Croosh's den doubles as a groovy spare bedroom.
Yeah right, like there's not a drained bottle of the Mark somewhere around Croosh's drafting table. And by the one at home, too.
I watched The Brady Bunch. I know Croosh's den doubles as a groovy spare bedroom.
Wheeze,
You was and still be my vote fer bagghunter of the yeaar. Yu are a men amungst girls. Err sumthin.
CHores!
You was and still be my vote fer bagghunter of the yeaar. Yu are a men amungst girls. Err sumthin.
CHores!
Congratulations Smoot! I thought for sure I had hexed you proper, since not a goddamn one of my other votes won shit. I was starting to think I could make some money charging the GOP to vote democrat. But nooooo, you had to win, so there goes that dream. Now it's back to the cubicle farm for me. Shit. Anyway, as long as your reading this, mail me some of Crystal's underwear, would you? I'm all out of coffee filters.
And a hearty and sincere thanks to all you hunters out there for being so goddamn funny. I consistently find myself cracking up at the commentary and thinking "why the hell didn't I think of that?!?" You are some funny folks.
Finally, DB1, thank you for providing us with such a bitchin' sandbox. Here's to another successful year.
And a hearty and sincere thanks to all you hunters out there for being so goddamn funny. I consistently find myself cracking up at the commentary and thinking "why the hell didn't I think of that?!?" You are some funny folks.
Finally, DB1, thank you for providing us with such a bitchin' sandbox. Here's to another successful year.
It's not often that you're rewarded for alcoholism and cokk talk.
But here we are, in the slippery muff of the interwebs, forming a more perfect union of mock. That's fuccen beautiful.
It's an honor and pleasure to be mentioned in the same breast as you dude fags. Let's keep the good times rolling.
But here we are, in the slippery muff of the interwebs, forming a more perfect union of mock. That's fuccen beautiful.
It's an honor and pleasure to be mentioned in the same breast as you dude fags. Let's keep the good times rolling.
I rarely have felt the need to comment as most of the regulars throw verbal smackdowns better than I, but, I have to ask... Did Poopalompa really not win ANY category?!?!? Also, DB1, how did Robopud's "Kimmy" (the one on the left) not win "sexiest back curve"???
FYI: I'm smart, not like everybody says... like dumb... I'm smart!
FYI: I'm smart, not like everybody says... like dumb... I'm smart!
if i was E-Blo or Crosshair McJohnson and i was smooten by Smoot, i would so disavow heterosexuality.
but thankfully i am STEVE L! and not E-Blo or Crosshair McJohnson.
but thankfully i am STEVE L! and not E-Blo or Crosshair McJohnson.
by the by, what if the Donk pulls an "ALL MY PICTURES WILL BE REMOVED" on HCwDB? that is photos spanning across several years, man. DB1 has a ticking time bomb on his hands.
which is why we must ramp up our mock.
which is why we must ramp up our mock.
and it goes without saying that being named in the Class of '09 is awesome. it's certainly very different from June 7, 2006. back then, the cabal of allegedly distinguished HCwDB regulars, as named by DB1 himself, certainly weren't heralded with as much glam and splash as the Class of '09 today. i say "allegedly" because i was a member of that group (as in, i was lower case bag) and it just screams conflict of interest for me to exaggerate the bag hunting credentials of that particular crew. but i can assure you that Douchebag OUT! and Magician were pure greatness.
anyway, now it's like - whoa - do i have to deliver a speech or something?
okay motherfuckers, here's my speech:
AHEM.
think lightly of yourself and deeply of the world.
there. that's my speech. if anyone can identify where i stole my speech from, you get free tuition money for next year's bag hunting classes.
anyway, now it's like - whoa - do i have to deliver a speech or something?
okay motherfuckers, here's my speech:
AHEM.
think lightly of yourself and deeply of the world.
there. that's my speech. if anyone can identify where i stole my speech from, you get free tuition money for next year's bag hunting classes.
and isn't it just absolutely fucking sad that a certain anon troll completely fails to mention anyone from the Cabal of June 7, 2006 in his trolling attempts against various other HCwDB regulars but still insists on identifying himself as "old school"?
you might be able to fucking lie your way into a hottie's (or trannie's) heart, but i'd like to think that HCwDB works differently.
you might be able to fucking lie your way into a hottie's (or trannie's) heart, but i'd like to think that HCwDB works differently.
Fredouche Corleone:
My beloved Poopaloompa has already been installed into the Closet of Poo, which is quite an achievement. While he is a STUNNING specimen of...of...poo, I personally wouldn't think he deserves to dethrone a current winnah in any category. Cheeto Man is truly oranger, and Poo really does look like Poo.( I mean, honest to *GOD*, he looks like Poo. WTF was he thinking?!? Does that kind of skin staining *really* make one win a body-building competition?? Or do they give "Poo" awards too?)
Poopaloompa is fuccen scary, but DB1 has not created a cateogory of "Most Ming-ish" or "Most Evil/Satanic Looking Douche with an RA."
Besides, if he were to announce Poopy's winning in a category, it would mean DB1 would post that photo again of Poopy's body-building competition pose in the teeny biki-, and I j- AAgh! - Nnnn! - Mfeeeeehlmngjjjjjjaklaaamphm -
*pant* *pant*
I'm sorry, I just had a small seizure at the thought of that photo again.
No, it is best if Poopaloompa remains in the Closet of Poo. He is there if you need him for reference, and there he is preserved for All Eternity, for use as comparison, inspiration for what not to become, and petit mal seizure triggering, should you need one.
And nobody thinks you're dumb, Fredouche. It's just that the family needs you to work in Idaho this year. Really, you'd be helping us out. We all think you're very very smart. Really.
My beloved Poopaloompa has already been installed into the Closet of Poo, which is quite an achievement. While he is a STUNNING specimen of...of...poo, I personally wouldn't think he deserves to dethrone a current winnah in any category. Cheeto Man is truly oranger, and Poo really does look like Poo.( I mean, honest to *GOD*, he looks like Poo. WTF was he thinking?!? Does that kind of skin staining *really* make one win a body-building competition?? Or do they give "Poo" awards too?)
Poopaloompa is fuccen scary, but DB1 has not created a cateogory of "Most Ming-ish" or "Most Evil/Satanic Looking Douche with an RA."
Besides, if he were to announce Poopy's winning in a category, it would mean DB1 would post that photo again of Poopy's body-building competition pose in the teeny biki-, and I j- AAgh! - Nnnn! - Mfeeeeehlmngjjjjjjaklaaamphm -
*pant* *pant*
I'm sorry, I just had a small seizure at the thought of that photo again.
No, it is best if Poopaloompa remains in the Closet of Poo. He is there if you need him for reference, and there he is preserved for All Eternity, for use as comparison, inspiration for what not to become, and petit mal seizure triggering, should you need one.
And nobody thinks you're dumb, Fredouche. It's just that the family needs you to work in Idaho this year. Really, you'd be helping us out. We all think you're very very smart. Really.
Looking over the winners I've noticed a slight but unmistakeable pattern . . .
Douchiest Hair: Hairy Belafonte
Most European Eurobag: The Eurobag
Crimsonest Crimson: Crimson Ted
Douchiest Hipsterbag: The Hipsterbag
Smells Like Poo: Poo
and coming very close
Douchiest Facial Hair: The 'Stachebagger
What's in a name? HCwDB awards, perhaps.
Douchiest Hair: Hairy Belafonte
Most European Eurobag: The Eurobag
Crimsonest Crimson: Crimson Ted
Douchiest Hipsterbag: The Hipsterbag
Smells Like Poo: Poo
and coming very close
Douchiest Facial Hair: The 'Stachebagger
What's in a name? HCwDB awards, perhaps.
# posted by : 7:08 AM
: 7:08 AM
Smoot inspired a generation. You could see from the comments that his followers just had that much more passion, more zeal and more hope than the others.
To them there was never a doubt. Smoot was absolutely the legitimate victor in their eyes. They posted simple and certain statements with sparse justifications.
I myself voted for him whenever he was on the ballot and I would like to be the first to say
FUCK YOU SMOOT!
To them there was never a doubt. Smoot was absolutely the legitimate victor in their eyes. They posted simple and certain statements with sparse justifications.
I myself voted for him whenever he was on the ballot and I would like to be the first to say
FUCK YOU SMOOT!
# posted by : 7:53 AM
: 7:53 AM
Flyteeth, please see my 3:08 p.m. post from yesterday. I think we are in need of your special talents.
Oh, and an anon (3:34 a.m.) called you out, but in a good way.
Oh, and an anon (3:34 a.m.) called you out, but in a good way.
I think wheezer is flyteeth's secretary. I didn't even know he was hiring. Are any other positions available?
# posted by : 9:39 AM
: 9:39 AM
@ Wheezer 8:50
Don't forget this dark chapter of HCwDB's past; when the regs tried to egg on an epic Tard-Fight.
Nobody wins with Tard-on-Tard violence, people. Nobody.
Don't forget this dark chapter of HCwDB's past; when the regs tried to egg on an epic Tard-Fight.
Nobody wins with Tard-on-Tard violence, people. Nobody.
wow Boss I'm honored to be listed amongst the A-list of moronic and retarded ramblings, though my deranged contributions have been on the ebb recently... to bring up the rear to the likes of BVG, DarkSock, Pfah, Crucial, Vin etal puts me in a very deep, dark & demented zone (not to mention funkified)
a special category should be created for Vin Douchal's brilliant musical compositions!
& thanx Boss for the puerile & putrid package that was the '09 Douchies, a gruesome bundle wrapped in a thread of pus!
I still miss absent contributions of Pfah, Plinky & Douche Vader
as for Smoot, I flush you twice a day! thank god for fiber (& whiskey)
fuck Fish Slap!
& Gator, upside your head with a diseased & blistered cocckxs!
Joey P, may Samurai Scrote feast on your spleen!
a special category should be created for Vin Douchal's brilliant musical compositions!
& thanx Boss for the puerile & putrid package that was the '09 Douchies, a gruesome bundle wrapped in a thread of pus!
I still miss absent contributions of Pfah, Plinky & Douche Vader
as for Smoot, I flush you twice a day! thank god for fiber (& whiskey)
fuck Fish Slap!
& Gator, upside your head with a diseased & blistered cocckxs!
Joey P, may Samurai Scrote feast on your spleen!
@'Sock -
Ahhhhh yes, Flyteeth vs. ŁŁŁŁhÅMmÆa - interesting verbal battle, that one. I missed the initial intensity, though.
Stupid work.
Ahhhhh yes, Flyteeth vs. ŁŁŁŁhÅMmÆa - interesting verbal battle, that one. I missed the initial intensity, though.
Stupid work.
@Wheezer
With Umlaut Smackdown refereeing and Lamp clicking on to signal the end of each round.
With Umlaut Smackdown refereeing and Lamp clicking on to signal the end of each round.
# posted by : 11:17 AM
: 11:17 AM
I am truly honored and humbled to be close to the upper stratosphere of mock with such deserving winners. If Vin is batting 9th and playing RF then I am a mere waterboy. I would demand a recount for Mr. Scrotato Head. I fully believe that he is deserving as well.
Not to make things sappy but I won't be posting much in the next week due to a death in the family. So mock, oh great ones for I shall see you at a later time.
Thanks DB1, 'cause you're cool like that.
Not to make things sappy but I won't be posting much in the next week due to a death in the family. So mock, oh great ones for I shall see you at a later time.
Thanks DB1, 'cause you're cool like that.
@WHEEXER
I AM FUCEN HONORED AND ACCPET SEARGEATNT AT ARMS! DO IG ET TO CHOKE A FUCEN SLAPHWOAR NOW AND THENN?
@DUCKSACK
WHO ARE HOU FUCEN CALLING A TARD?!" SOMEOBODYS GON<NA LOOSE EVERY FUCEN SALTY DROP OF THEIIR TAMRAL THIS CHIRSTMAST FOR THAT SHIT!@
I AM FUCEN HONORED AND ACCPET SEARGEATNT AT ARMS! DO IG ET TO CHOKE A FUCEN SLAPHWOAR NOW AND THENN?
@DUCKSACK
WHO ARE HOU FUCEN CALLING A TARD?!" SOMEOBODYS GON<NA LOOSE EVERY FUCEN SALTY DROP OF THEIIR TAMRAL THIS CHIRSTMAST FOR THAT SHIT!@
let us not forget our most exalted MIA, the stomach twisting hyperlinker BCS & his battle cry, "Remember the Lemon Party!"
@FLYTU'THEE & LLAM))AJJA
Your haiku war was perhaps the funniest thing I've ever witnessed on this site.
For some reason, I am ashamed to admit this.
Your haiku war was perhaps the funniest thing I've ever witnessed on this site.
For some reason, I am ashamed to admit this.
i'm gutted! i didn't even get mention!
just because i rarely post(and when i do its never funny)... fucking hell; its sooo unfair.
well that's it. i've had it with this site. i'll never look at this site again, until friday. i'll look on friday and that's it...maybe the friday after that...i'll look this friday and the friday after that and then that's it. i don't need this. i don't need anything.
...except this ashtray.
maybe this paddle game.
the ashtray and the paddle game, that's all i need.
and this remote control.
the ashtray, the paddle game, fridays arse-pear and the remote control and that's all i need.
just because i rarely post(and when i do its never funny)... fucking hell; its sooo unfair.
well that's it. i've had it with this site. i'll never look at this site again, until friday. i'll look on friday and that's it...maybe the friday after that...i'll look this friday and the friday after that and then that's it. i don't need this. i don't need anything.
...except this ashtray.
maybe this paddle game.
the ashtray and the paddle game, that's all i need.
and this remote control.
the ashtray, the paddle game, fridays arse-pear and the remote control and that's all i need.
Back to Smoot.
You think he would ever read this stuff here about him?
What am I saying? Smoot reading anything is as likely as a bonobo playing bass for Rush
You think he would ever read this stuff here about him?
What am I saying? Smoot reading anything is as likely as a bonobo playing bass for Rush
Good call on the class of 2009, but some were left out. They might have to go to Wired for their props.
# posted by : 2:50 PM
: 2:50 PM
Anons make this site great, but Rush helps make this country great. VW's are for hippies.
# posted by : 3:13 PM
: 3:13 PM
This time of year, I like to reminisce about some of the good times we’ve all had together. Like that one time when Plinky’s mother ate 74 jelly donuts in two minutes. Or that time when Darksock stabbed that hobo for stealing his Burlington man sack. None of us will ever forget Amanda exposing her explicit nude photos for ten brief minutes of glory and baitin’ pleasure.
Those moments are gone now. Like tears in the rain.
Time to douche.
Those moments are gone now. Like tears in the rain.
Time to douche.
I've watched Golden Compass on HBO off and on , like, 12 times waiting for Amanda's sex scene but I never seem to be there at the right time.
BTW, Amanda's boyfriend was douchey
BTW, Amanda's boyfriend was douchey
also the time Plinky described his birthing process.... something about falling from a timeless vortex covered in cosmic goop
Here at Casa La Douche we are tipping back another bottle of Belgian Style IPA in salute to you all.
A great year for Bag mocking. An even better year for Hotts. We wish you all a very special Solstice and a happy New Year.
A great year for Bag mocking. An even better year for Hotts. We wish you all a very special Solstice and a happy New Year.
Ah god dammit, I missed the douchies!?!? Well that's a sad way to end the year. 6 day work weeks pulling around 100 hours a pay period and this is how I'm rewarded? Feh. Good to see the regs still hanging around though. So much to catch up on.
i hereby present the "FIRST PERSON TO OGLE AND DROOL OVER ASHFISH'S RETURN" award to... uh... myself.
i'm entitled to my freedom of speech.
i'm entitled to my freedom of speech.
Welcome back, Ashfish! And by that I mean I'm panting. : D
Well, as you can see from the thread totals, the preliminary brackets featured some epic smackdowns, both between the choads and in our observations of them.
I hope you like the Hott awards as well. : )
Well, as you can see from the thread totals, the preliminary brackets featured some epic smackdowns, both between the choads and in our observations of them.
I hope you like the Hott awards as well. : )
Oh, and the Finals bracket was especially rough-and-tumble, just the way our closet scrotes like it. But without their required baby oil.
Crosshair and E-Blo consoled each other with a couple of bottles at the after-party.
Crosshair and E-Blo consoled each other with a couple of bottles at the after-party.
Whew, between casing the clearance racks for shitty gifts for the relatives and dodging work to follow the Douchies, I'm damn well spent. I have one last task though; Christmas eve I'll be at my Dad's house, and I'm going to try to stealthily place a mask of Samurai Scrote on the Baby Jesus in his huge-ass nativity scene. Pics if I don't get caught.
I think this might have been the roughest Douchies I've seen so far. There was some very scary scrote on the loose in 2009
Thank you to the DB1 and all the regs on here for an entertaining 2009 season of douchemocking.
I've posted comments from time to time but through sheer laziness have never acquired a profile name. Maybe I'll make that my first New Year's resolution for '010.
Please note - not all Anons are cunts. Most are like myself, very appreciative of the daily dose of genuine humor this site offers.
Merry Christmas to All and ...
Fuck Smoot and his rehab crew of coke whores and roided up fucknuts.
Ahhh .... I'm drunk.
Do I belong here?
D from Australia : )
I've posted comments from time to time but through sheer laziness have never acquired a profile name. Maybe I'll make that my first New Year's resolution for '010.
Please note - not all Anons are cunts. Most are like myself, very appreciative of the daily dose of genuine humor this site offers.
Merry Christmas to All and ...
Fuck Smoot and his rehab crew of coke whores and roided up fucknuts.
Ahhh .... I'm drunk.
Do I belong here?
D from Australia : )
# posted by : 8:56 PM
: 8:56 PM
Wuh? Huh? I's over? Dangit. I've spent the last couple days trying to recover from a pink sock. Fuckin' Europeans and their damn--ah, never mind.
Congrats to the class of '09! I hoist my flagon of Mr. White's Winter Wheat to you and invite you all to a fine feast at Casa Oblongata, followed by naked Crisco Twister in The Basement. I got that little water problem taken care of and I've mostly cleaned out Mr. White's office, you guys can sleep there if he doesn't mind. Creepy piss-stained mattress was free with the house, Fuck Yeah!!!!
Hey, Smoot....blow me.
Pardon my saying so, but if there is a class of 2010, Mr. Scrotato head is gonna be the gawldanged valedictorian.
Huh huh. ValeDICKtorian. Sweet.
May the Bewbs be with you!
Congrats to the class of '09! I hoist my flagon of Mr. White's Winter Wheat to you and invite you all to a fine feast at Casa Oblongata, followed by naked Crisco Twister in The Basement. I got that little water problem taken care of and I've mostly cleaned out Mr. White's office, you guys can sleep there if he doesn't mind. Creepy piss-stained mattress was free with the house, Fuck Yeah!!!!
Hey, Smoot....blow me.
Pardon my saying so, but if there is a class of 2010, Mr. Scrotato head is gonna be the gawldanged valedictorian.
Huh huh. ValeDICKtorian. Sweet.
May the Bewbs be with you!
Aww shucks guys, thanks for the warm welcome back. I did not make it to the party, my ex who was going to be there upped the level of crazy he was displaying so I thought it would be better if I skipped that confrontation. I really didn't want to go through the process of getting a restraining order. However, you can see pictures from the event here. The one in the all white fancies himself a promoter and an actor. He had an extra part in "Mater and Commander" which I believe was cut out. There's also pics from Halloween on that site which I think they got me in, bastards.
And the hotts, oh my the hotts this year. Man, yeah, just...boobies. I'm a little disoriented from all the cleaning fumes I've been around, coupled with the lack of blood flow to the brain right now I'm just not capable of coming up with something better than that.
And the hotts, oh my the hotts this year. Man, yeah, just...boobies. I'm a little disoriented from all the cleaning fumes I've been around, coupled with the lack of blood flow to the brain right now I'm just not capable of coming up with something better than that.
Wow, Ashfish, Kona? I just got back from there!
Spent Thanksgiving week with a gorgeous hunk o' stuff - but *not* at any discos like the one pictured. You got a great town, chica; love it love it. And like all tourists, I'm already looking for ways/excuses to move there. 24/7 bikini and sarong is my way to live (why did I bother packing anything else??).
Spent Thanksgiving week with a gorgeous hunk o' stuff - but *not* at any discos like the one pictured. You got a great town, chica; love it love it. And like all tourists, I'm already looking for ways/excuses to move there. 24/7 bikini and sarong is my way to live (why did I bother packing anything else??).
FŁŸtëęthė Ånd Ï gœ wàÿÿÿ bækk
hé śøŁd m€ ã RėçtÀŁ BĘŁčH fœr 17 dõllęr$
Åh śtìŁŁ gõt ït įN mâh V@n...1T $TÄnkkŻ Łääk wėT BüTtHŒŁe
Gûd T!m€z:::...:::..,,
harøøøōømmmmMMm
hé śøŁd m€ ã RėçtÀŁ BĘŁčH fœr 17 dõllęr$
Åh śtìŁŁ gõt ït įN mâh V@n...1T $TÄnkkŻ Łääk wėT BüTtHŒŁe
Gûd T!m€z:::...:::..,,
harøøøōømmmmMMm
# posted by : 11:19 PM
: 11:19 PM
FŁŸtëęthė Ånd Ï gœ wàÿÿÿ bækk
hé śøŁd m€ ã RėçtÀŁ BĘŁčH fœr 17 dõllęr$
Åh śtìŁŁ gõt ït įN mâh V@n...1T $TÄnkkŻ Łääk wėT BüTtHŒŁe
Gûd T!m€z:::...:::..,,
harøøøōømmmmMMm
hé śøŁd m€ ã RėçtÀŁ BĘŁčH fœr 17 dõllęr$
Åh śtìŁŁ gõt ït įN mâh V@n...1T $TÄnkkŻ Łääk wėT BüTtHŒŁe
Gûd T!m€z:::...:::..,,
harøøøōømmmmMMm
# posted by : 11:20 PM
: 11:20 PM
@medusa
I hope you didn't throw out that old weed whacker shown in that pic. I was...um...using that for...something. Let's call it a performance art piece.
I hope you didn't throw out that old weed whacker shown in that pic. I was...um...using that for...something. Let's call it a performance art piece.
Mr. White:
Does it involve Frida Kahlo and a wooden spoon? Because if it does, I'd like to drink 2 gallons of Gatorade and watch patiently. I'll pay.
Does it involve Frida Kahlo and a wooden spoon? Because if it does, I'd like to drink 2 gallons of Gatorade and watch patiently. I'll pay.
This is an awesome year end compilation. Great job. Living in the Douche Mecca of South Florida I can only pray your site will help stem the tide of bags.
I don't care, crimson ted is the spiritual winner of this years HCWDB of the Year!!!
# posted by : 10:38 AM
: 10:38 AM
Crimson Ted's spiritualism comes from a pair of fingerless gloves that were once lodged in Gina Davis's rectum.
^ You're not that special, Anon. Crystal has already has plenty of boys in jail because of her. Mostly from before she was 18.
Crimson Ted taught Tibetian Monks how to grope seventeen year-old volleyball players by simply focusing one's mind and pointing very angrily in their general direction.
Oh yeah, and the lesson only took him eight seconds to teach.
Oh yeah, and the lesson only took him eight seconds to teach.
Crimson Ted once walked on the water at the MGM Grand Pool to assault a twelve year-old boy who had mistakenly peed in Crimson's Grey Goose/Red Bull.
Good to see that DB1 is finally taking the weekend off, for once. You deserve it boss! Having to pour over images of those-you-lust-after hanging off of those-you-want-to-see-run-over-by-a-backhoe day after day would drive me nuttier than a squirrel at a gay porn machine fastener convention with keynote speaker Philip K. Dick.
Wait, what?
Wait, what?
Crimson Ted is the ground of all being, immanent in and transcendent over the whole world of reality. He is pan-psychic, but avoids pantheism by asserting the complementary nature of immanence and transcendence which come together in, and are in some degree, essential to all personality.
And he has sex with children.
And he has sex with children.
Crimson Ted once made John Locke cry by punching him in the coccyx while angrily telling him that democracy would never survive his Crimsocracy.
Smoot's penis stinks of Durian, poop, and chicken soup. Becuase he is made of Durian, poop, and chicken soup.
Smoot wears CRUISERS.
Because he swings like that.
Smoot wears CRUISERS.
Because he swings like that.
@darksock
You're essentially correct, although I replaced the wooden spoon with a plastic one after the first few "performances." I needed something I could put in the dishwasher, and the wooden spoon was soaking up too much DNA evidence in the grain.
You're essentially correct, although I replaced the wooden spoon with a plastic one after the first few "performances." I needed something I could put in the dishwasher, and the wooden spoon was soaking up too much DNA evidence in the grain.
^"Crimsocracy" Love it.
In Crimsonist teachings, Ted resides in the Great Crimson Lodge, and is the Sovereign Crimson Architect of the Universe.
In Crimsonist teachings, Ted resides in the Great Crimson Lodge, and is the Sovereign Crimson Architect of the Universe.
Crimson Ted once visited Iran. He presented the Grand Ayatollah Hoseyni Khamenei with a dildo fashioned in the likeness the prophet Muhammed. The supreme leader thanked Ted, and them allowed him to impregnate all the young girls in the country.
Crimson Ted was fired as the Syracuse Univ mascot for fouling the groundwater thru mere contact with the soil
Crimson Ted challenged Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer to a hotchick butt-sniffing contest. Rudolf won because he was able to glide the sleigh to places tighter than a chimney.
Thanks for the humble honor, DB1. Now I might be forced to put an avatar on the blogger.com site. But the power of words here far supersedes any photos I may post of my visualized self.
I join the company of those far more blessed with fuccen tarmal than mein humble self.
Speaking of which, where is FLYTEETH in all of this?
I join the company of those far more blessed with fuccen tarmal than mein humble self.
Speaking of which, where is FLYTEETH in all of this?
Sorry I missed all the whoop-di-do for most of the past few days, but preparing Handel's MESSIAH for a weekend concert ate up most of my online-time.
Now it is time to nurse the vocal cords with some holiday cheer.
And by holiday cheer I mean
a) beer
b) ale
c) eggnog
d) wassail
e) an aquarium punchbowl with Maker's Mark, lifted science lab alcohol, Mescal, and mulled sherry.
Take your pick.
Now it is time to nurse the vocal cords with some holiday cheer.
And by holiday cheer I mean
a) beer
b) ale
c) eggnog
d) wassail
e) an aquarium punchbowl with Maker's Mark, lifted science lab alcohol, Mescal, and mulled sherry.
Take your pick.
@ Ash 9:08
RE the party--get thee to a decontamination station, STAT!!! Good to have ya back. How are the gun laws in Hawaii, BTW?
@ Mr. White 7:47
Oh, was that yours? I was wondering why the nylon cord was missing. I went down there and got on the mechanic's creeper I found and I was gonna---Hey, are the rest of you still reading this? This is between me and Mr. White.
@ Jacques Doucheteau 1:15
You made every penis in this shop shrivel up. I think I even did some shriveling of my own. Holy cow. But it was funny.
RE the party--get thee to a decontamination station, STAT!!! Good to have ya back. How are the gun laws in Hawaii, BTW?
@ Mr. White 7:47
Oh, was that yours? I was wondering why the nylon cord was missing. I went down there and got on the mechanic's creeper I found and I was gonna---Hey, are the rest of you still reading this? This is between me and Mr. White.
@ Jacques Doucheteau 1:15
You made every penis in this shop shrivel up. I think I even did some shriveling of my own. Holy cow. But it was funny.
Tonight - live music. Jane Siberry. Awesome sweet voice.
Tomorrow: make sure nothing 'splodes at work.
Evening: pack my stuff for a trip to Indiana.
I'll be staying in one of the most depressing places - endless miles of treeless houses with names like Fox Hill which features neither as the hill was bulldozed flat and the foxes were killed off decades ago.
It's the kind of place that isn't worth caring about.
And, interestingly, this transcends left/right polemics, as when a nation is filled with places not worth caring about, you have a nation that isn't worth defending. A nation singing the Dead Flag Blues.
Merry Fucking Christmas. And watch this through to the end.
Tomorrow: make sure nothing 'splodes at work.
Evening: pack my stuff for a trip to Indiana.
I'll be staying in one of the most depressing places - endless miles of treeless houses with names like Fox Hill which features neither as the hill was bulldozed flat and the foxes were killed off decades ago.
It's the kind of place that isn't worth caring about.
And, interestingly, this transcends left/right polemics, as when a nation is filled with places not worth caring about, you have a nation that isn't worth defending. A nation singing the Dead Flag Blues.
Merry Fucking Christmas. And watch this through to the end.
@Medusa,
Lax enough for me to have a special friend in my nightstand. I had a friend's ex douchebag ask me out the other day, he hugged me, and I could not get the axe smell off. Even after a shower. I still feel dirty. There has to be something stronger than bleach to get the douche off.
@Summer
The island is nice, but she can be a moody temptress. For example, we had some insane storm action here today, it hailed in some parts of town. Yes, you read that right, hail, in Hawaii. I had a nice little pond forming in the front of my house by the gutter. But it's back to being beautiful again. That's how the weather goes here.
Lax enough for me to have a special friend in my nightstand. I had a friend's ex douchebag ask me out the other day, he hugged me, and I could not get the axe smell off. Even after a shower. I still feel dirty. There has to be something stronger than bleach to get the douche off.
@Summer
The island is nice, but she can be a moody temptress. For example, we had some insane storm action here today, it hailed in some parts of town. Yes, you read that right, hail, in Hawaii. I had a nice little pond forming in the front of my house by the gutter. But it's back to being beautiful again. That's how the weather goes here.
@Ashfish, welcome back. Please, post more often and invite some friends. This place was starting to smell like Adam Lambert's sofa. And Darksock keeps sitting WAY too close.
@Troy Tempest, Thank You sir, for that final video. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. I'll be spending my holiday hoping for the machines to rise against us.
It's my little tradition.
@Troy Tempest, Thank You sir, for that final video. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. I'll be spending my holiday hoping for the machines to rise against us.
It's my little tradition.
I told Massengill that starting Dove World Entertainment was a bad idea.
But that fuccer wouldn't listen to me.
But that fuccer wouldn't listen to me.
Crimson Ted wipes his anus with Crocs while the children are still wearing them. Then he points at them disapprovingly.
What? Islam is of the Devil. Listen, there are two types of people out there: people who live in a fantasy world and ignore the danger of assimilating the Devil's Muslim minions into our Christian nation and people who live in the Dove World.
Dr. Terry Jones
Senior Pastor
Dove World Outreach Center
Dr. Terry Jones
Senior Pastor
Dove World Outreach Center
# posted by : 6:24 PM
: 6:24 PM
Are you kidding, that YouTube video is giving Dove World Outreach exactly the kind of publicity I need. The kind that's free.
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