Monday, August 31, 2009
The Meatwich
It's on the menu at the Carnegie Deli, right between the "Jerry Lewis" and the "Joan Rivers."
One slice of prime suckle thigh wedged between two inflated loaves of pumpernickel taintloaf. Add lots of oil, salt and lack of job prospects, and serve on a pair of sweaty, low hanging douche-shorts.
Not sure how well the sandwich is selling, but it's still better than the "Carrot Top."
Fratbaggers at Washington State
----
Hey man huge fan of the website. I'm a junior at Washington State University and we wanted to have a party to not only tribute the website but to make fun of the scrotbags known as frat guys. So we had a party appropriately titled "Frat Happens."
Hope you enjoy. Keep up the good work.
- Hardy Boy
----
I can't tell if I'm honored or appalled. I do like the Heidi look on Jillybeans, though.
Nub Voted
HCwDB collegiate pest, Nub, wanted to stop by dressed as a caveman plutonium specialist and bring his slightly embarrassed sorority hott, and vote in the HCwDB of the Week.
Who'd you vote for, Nub?
It's kinda hard to tell with your gloved hand gesture, but it looks like you voted for "proctology exam." That wasn't one of the four. Well, maybe it was the Eurobag.
HCwDB of the Month
Like a tasty chocolate truffle covered with moldy ass taint, our four couples each bring a unique angle to the HCwDB experience. But which will rise to the top/bottom?
Which will earn a slot in the HCwDB of the Year?
That, friends, is up to you. Your nominees:
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: The Eurobag and Monique
Creepy eyes. Angora sweater. Shaved chest. Bedazzled jeans.
Toulouse Lautrec just encouraged Man Ray to tack his ballsack to an art museum wall and call it art.
Monique is giggly and freshly scrubbed and comes to Los Angeles to see Dodger Stadium.
Because why else come to America but to see Dodger Stadium?
Together, this coupling is real world poopyhead.
Therefore we must mock. It is our global civic duty. To help our European bretheren, as we did in WWII.
Note to the ladies: The black lacy bra-strap poking out of a wide necked t-shirt? Yes please.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: Scrote Baio and Ophelia
Charles in charge... of looking like ass... and like poo...
Not since Heather Locklear's boobs popped out in Zapped! has Scrote Baio achieved tosser-like status.
Joker hat, mandana. Man Ray just tacked his head to a wall and called it "poo."
In the jokes industry, that's what they call a "callback." Because I'm down with the lingo.
Back to Baio, Baio's got the garish tatts, the designer basketball jersey, and the head too large for his body.
Sweet, innocent Ophelia. Like Monique, this is the second purity hott in the contest, adding an extra toxic level to the commingling with toad. Sure they probably won't win, but lets not overlook their worthiness to be here.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Schmuckhead and Claudina Ass Pear
Schmuckhead brings two very potent angles to the game.
1. Chin dribble and 'tude.
2. Tremendously impressive and rage worthy fondling of female Ass Pear.
Observe the Schmuckhead/AssPear run as seen in pic #2, pic#3 and pic#4.
Sure the ladies are trampy hotts. In annoying Ed Hardy-esque dresses and making puckers and kissy lips.
But curvy badonka-ass cannot be denied it's impressive talents. And Schmuckhead's club haunting foolifery deserves its rightful place in societal mock.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: Smoot and Crystal
The run of pics bespeak a hottie/douchey legend, as seen in pic #2, pic #3 , pic #4, pic #5, pic #6. and pic #7.
But has Smoot's attitude faded with time? Or is he going to crush the competition and take his place in the 2009 Douchie Award's coveted HCwDB of the Year category?
What of Crystal's attitudinal hottness? Not as innocent as some of the others in competition.
But sweet and curvy nonetheless.
Worth saving from Smoot's pumped up charms.
So which of these four Weekly winners earns your vote? Step up. Don't be shy. Plunk down your hypothetical dollar and take your shot at the cans.
As always, in the comments thread.
Which will earn a slot in the HCwDB of the Year?
That, friends, is up to you. Your nominees:
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: The Eurobag and Monique
Creepy eyes. Angora sweater. Shaved chest. Bedazzled jeans.
Toulouse Lautrec just encouraged Man Ray to tack his ballsack to an art museum wall and call it art.
Monique is giggly and freshly scrubbed and comes to Los Angeles to see Dodger Stadium.
Because why else come to America but to see Dodger Stadium?
Together, this coupling is real world poopyhead.
Therefore we must mock. It is our global civic duty. To help our European bretheren, as we did in WWII.
Note to the ladies: The black lacy bra-strap poking out of a wide necked t-shirt? Yes please.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: Scrote Baio and Ophelia
Charles in charge... of looking like ass... and like poo...
Not since Heather Locklear's boobs popped out in Zapped! has Scrote Baio achieved tosser-like status.
Joker hat, mandana. Man Ray just tacked his head to a wall and called it "poo."
In the jokes industry, that's what they call a "callback." Because I'm down with the lingo.
Back to Baio, Baio's got the garish tatts, the designer basketball jersey, and the head too large for his body.
Sweet, innocent Ophelia. Like Monique, this is the second purity hott in the contest, adding an extra toxic level to the commingling with toad. Sure they probably won't win, but lets not overlook their worthiness to be here.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Schmuckhead and Claudina Ass Pear
Schmuckhead brings two very potent angles to the game.
1. Chin dribble and 'tude.
2. Tremendously impressive and rage worthy fondling of female Ass Pear.
Observe the Schmuckhead/AssPear run as seen in pic #2, pic#3 and pic#4.
Sure the ladies are trampy hotts. In annoying Ed Hardy-esque dresses and making puckers and kissy lips.
But curvy badonka-ass cannot be denied it's impressive talents. And Schmuckhead's club haunting foolifery deserves its rightful place in societal mock.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: Smoot and Crystal
The run of pics bespeak a hottie/douchey legend, as seen in pic #2, pic #3 , pic #4, pic #5, pic #6. and pic #7.
But has Smoot's attitude faded with time? Or is he going to crush the competition and take his place in the 2009 Douchie Award's coveted HCwDB of the Year category?
What of Crystal's attitudinal hottness? Not as innocent as some of the others in competition.
But sweet and curvy nonetheless.
Worth saving from Smoot's pumped up charms.
So which of these four Weekly winners earns your vote? Step up. Don't be shy. Plunk down your hypothetical dollar and take your shot at the cans.
As always, in the comments thread.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
WHOOOOOAAAA!!!
WHOOOAAA!!!
Jerz Guids are funny.
(Warning: No hotts for counterbalance, but too funny not to post.)
Saturday, August 29, 2009
DJ AM Dies
DJ AM, aka Adam Goldstein, died last night at the age of 36 of an apparent drug overdose.
Don't know much about DJ AM, other than the fact he was engaged to Nicole Ritchie at one point, and he also dated the ubiquitous Mandy Moore, who would bang a pogo stick if it meant a guest starring on primetime.
While I considered DJ AM part of that wave of "Celeb" DJ douchebaggery that swamped the gene pool about five to six years ago, his style wasn't nearly as garish and annoying as some of the others, and he had a pretty good sense of humor about the whole celeb thing.
The guy went through some pretty traumatic stuff. Death earns at least a temporary Nottadouche during the mourning period.
RIP DJ AM. Hopefully you'll be spinning in your grave.
Wait. That didn't sound right.
Your Saturday Schmuckhead
Schmuckhead and his curvy Ass Pear girlfriend, Claudina, are gearing up for Monday's HCwDB of the Month.
Damn. Way too much exploding human form for a Saturday. I need a coffee.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Friday Thoughts and Links
In honor of Brothabag Mason, a submitter sent me this pic of a genetic Brundlefly cross splicing of Eagle Eye Cherry, El Debarge and Mr. T.
Submitter suggested we name him "Mr. D." I'm on board with that.
Nice to see the Brothabags representing this week with a strong comeback on the site. It's important to remember how varied and complex the Grieco virus actually is. Douchewankery cuts across all cultural, ethnic and regional lines to form global poo.
I have little else to offer in the ways of personal wisdom on this smoggy Los Angeles Friday. I will celebrate my Friday with cheap wine, sugary food product, and continuing cultural wiseass commentary from a safe distance.
Here's your links:
Tracy Leans to use Facebook. The hard way.
The Miami Heat's Michael Beasley is poised to challenge Denver's Chris Andersen for 2009/2010 Doucheballer of the Year.
Someone named Ryan Cabrera is theoretically a celebrity, although I have no idea who he is. What's not in dispute is that he's a douche.
KFC introduces the "double down" sandwich. The bun is made out of fried chicken. I must have this. I will slather it upon the back of Mila Kunis, and then nibble it softly.
Ah, nice to see my issue of Collared Douche Magazine just arrived. Nice! An interview with director Michael Bag!
Ed Hardy snow gear. Fellow 'bag hunters, we're losing the war. We must mock harder.
GQ offers up America's 25 douchiest colleges. While they're unclear on the finer points of scrotal discourse, I still give credit for the effort.
The NFL targets the lucrative football fan douchebag market.
And finally, to honor the start of football season, here's a tasty little Footballette Ass Pear. Hike.
Jacqueline and the Beanstalk
Fe Fi Fo Fum...
I smell the pud of a Vegas scrum...
The Long Island Standards
Just your average all suburban stage-1 HCwDB. Standard issue Long Island Choad rubbing up on a standard issue Long Island Bounce Girl.
They'll get married and have standard issue annoying kids that they'll cart around in CostCo while buying standard issue food. Wow. This narrative is depressing me.
Nothing overwhelmingly douchey.
Well, maybe that chinstrap.
Friday Haiku
Gangsta Marilyn,
Hollywood nightmare for Cindy,
Should've stayed in Maine.
The Seven Year Itch
is what this bleeth will contract.
Crab infested faux
-- the douche is alright
Rebellious punks
Wearing their designer clothes
Then listen to Pink.
-- Crucial Head
"I boned JFK,
and I all I got was trapped on
some douchebag's T-shirt."
-- Mr. White
Birthmark on temple
Target for the poison arrow
Slumps to ground in pile
-- Douche Wayne
Jude Law photographed
Researching role as Glenn Plake.
Palm tree, please fall down.
-- boatbutter
The Rooster chief douche.
Squawks at Ginger Spice hottie
Hides shame behind shades
-- Vacuum Cleaner Bagg
Monroe wife beater
screams classy next to bleach bleeth
his mole burns my soul
-- Roscoe P. Scrotestain
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Chason Takes a Break
Because maintaining the Fauxhawk Spike is hard work.
Sometimes ya just gotta kick back with the cocktail waitress who works the midnight to eight AM shift on a Tuesday.
This may or may not be Brothabag Mason, but I've already started drinking, so I'm calling him Chason until the regs weigh in.
Punchy McGee
Okay, I can tell that this stage-1 'bags in presence of hott experiment has failed to inspire the creative wordsmithing from the regulars.
So here's Punchy McGee.
If this clown don't fire up your synapses, thereby channeling cultural dissatisfaction into creative productivity, then I'll spank a lemur with a lemon wedge.
And by spank a lemur with a lemon wedge, I do not mean a euphemism for masturbation. I mean a euphemism for blumpkins.
Flonzie
Flonzie isn't doing anything too offensive in presence of sultry brunettes.
But do not be fooled. Flonzie is "Average Choad." Stage 1 maybe, but Average Choad nonetheless.
Pouty Tammy on the right, oh how I would lightly but with great emotion powder your bare bottom. With bosco sauce and epsom salts. And a dash of baking soda.
I would powder each cheek whilst in deep repose and pensive thought. I would meditate on the subjective limitations of the mortal coil and the crisis of modernity as I powder lightly but with persistent firmness.
And I would not forget your BFF, Patrice. She, too, would receive butt powdering. For I am egalitarian like that.
Freddie Hustler
Freddiy's a perfect example of the stage-1 Hustlerdouche. Bordering on stage-2 offenses, but with no hand gestures, and no garish tatts/bling, Freddie's still safely in the 1 zone.
You go with your unvarnished wood paneled studly self, Freddie H.
Suzanna's working the double shift, and her tired eyes betray a world weariness, that, if you ply her with enough drinks Freddie, you might have a story to tell the bros.
Then again, probably not.
Stage 1 Douche Thursday
Maybe it was the microwaved pizza bagels I had last night before I went to bed last night. But I decided that today we're going to feature some examples of minimal douches.
The stage-1 'bags.
The not-quite nottadouche douchebags, but not quite uberscrote scrotewanks neither.
That vague middle ground of average schlord.
Like David here. He's not doing anything really douchey. Yet you know he's not nottadouche. Thus, stage-1. Like the "low" setting on the microwave. Or the "beginner" level on Halo 3.
As such, the hotts will also be purer. Cleaner. Fresher. Less exposure to the Grieco Virus means less descent into douchebaguette.
Like the perfect smile on Carlita here. She makes dachshund puppies whine for the mother they never knew.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
HCwDB After Dark
Brothabag Mason says "Yo, faux-peak ain't just for white dudes! And neither is ass pear!"
Maybe so, Brothabag Mason.
However, your douche-hair is making an important contribution to the canon. Therefore we need a name for it.
I dub thy hair Fro Faux.
EDIT: Other names in the comments thread:
Wheezer: 'Fraux
scrotum pole: bro-hawk
Massengill: Blackhawk Up
The Lonely Purple Balloon
Seriously, this is the saddest birthday party ever.
One purple balloon.
One pink neckerchief'd potential gaybag.
Two delightful homegrown all-American tasty samplings of lapjoy in the foreground. One long necked lickable swan in the background.
Yup. I got nothin.
The Three Bromingos
The Prophesy of Poop
In a bizarre event predicted in both South American Astrology texts of the 19th Century as well as ancient Kaballah texts found in a cave in Ozark, New Jersey, this commingling of Rockerchoad, overtanned Jerz Bleeth and Bouncer Guy marks the coming of the "Poop Days."
What say you? Is there anything redeemable in this pic?
Is the Douchebaguette saveable?
Should we give Bouncer Guy a pass?
Schmuckhead Says "Eurobags Got Nuthin' on 'Mericanbags!"
What's that? HCwDB of the Week winner Schmuckhead is coming into the ring!! And he looks pissed, Bob. Lets see if we can get a quick interview.
(handing mic to Schmuckhead)
Schmuckhead: I'se brinin' my a-game to take down that Eurofag on Monday!!
Schmuckhead, what do you say to your critics that think you're probably going to get trounced by Smoot?
Schmuckhead: I challenge anyone out there who thinks that to say it to my abs!!
Okay Schmuckhead, tell us then. Why do you think you'll win on Monday?
Schmuckhead: I gots the hotts, bro!! Check my tri-hott ass pear in my first pic. And now, look at this pear right here, licking my abs. I'm a huge freakin' douche, bro!! Even I hate me!!
That's a complex split within your psyche there, Schmuckhead.
Schmuckhead: I have deep fissures in my identity constructs. I blame the external stimulii of a fragmented life.
Monday. The HCwDB of the Month.
HCwDB of the Week: The Eurobag
In the last Weekly before Monday's HCwDB of the Month, The classic 'bag iconography of Eurobag and Monique were a runaway winner (loser). The voters speak:
I R A Dearth Aggie: Eurobag FTW. Best combination of sweet hott and trashy bag. And he fits the definition of eurobag to a T.
One for the Choad: Eurobag FTW, no question. He might have perfectly coiffed hair, but I can smell him and that douchey sweater through my laptop. And ten bucks says he wears colored contacts.
Only Women Bleeth: Euroscrote FTW!!!! Bedazzled jeans, pooey hair, and WTF is up with that cardigan????
Maxim Kovalenko: It's gotta be Euro. God, it's like he superglued sparkly D&D dice to his legs.
Baron Von Douchemann: Eurobag. There is a special place in hell for the Eurobags. It's called the Seizieme.
Mr. White: In honor of my upcoming trip to the UK, I vote Eurobag. While there, I will find this choad, kick him in the nads, and then chant, "USA! USA! USA!" over his prone body. Then I will gently stroke Monique's shiny pants.
denno: Euro-poo will leave this girl with memories of what could have been, that will haunt her well into her menopause years. She is stricken with a blindness that portrays this oily f&cksack as some kind of unique pseudo Bohemian character when in truth he is an arrogant grease ball wearing Cindy Lauper's old jeans
Mike: Eurobag's got the sense of entitlement down, the bored, disinterested way he drapes himself over Monique suggests that this buttlump is the son of some Greek shipping magnate and if it wasn't for daddy's money he'd be at the Romanian version of a Motel 6 humping the pool inlets.
Merle Baggard: Make mine a Eurobag. Orange, chesthairless, and alarmingly beautiful eyes. Plus six of nine make me happy, and by happy, I mean turgid, especially thinking of her being paddled in the basement of a Chicago sex club while her congressman ex-husband watches and quietly masterbates .
eltango: mon crayon est long et jaune...and eurobag's is but a nub. monique looks like she'd froth your man milk and top her cappuccino with it. BEDAZZLER FTW!!!
maddywoo: I vote Eurobag. If you glace at the picture, he kinda looks like her was photoshopped in. Poor girl, she can do so much better
Scrotum Pole: Monique, with her genuine smile, natural blond sweetness, and non-faux ta-ta's, deserves far better. One look into the cold, blue, metrosexual eyes of Eurobag makes me want to find the seven alpacas it took to make his sweater, bludgeon them, and feed their still-kicking carcasses into an industrial wood-chipper. Euro FTW
Gold stars all around to this week's 'bag hunters and huntresses. This was one of the most near-unanimous votes in HCwDB history. In very distant second, was Rufus Veinwright:
Wherami: Well I see that Eurobag is doing quite well but seriously people did you not notice the Wristband of Power on Rufus? I had a hard time even thinking that the others were douchy compared to him. Also he had the prerequisite drink in hand albeit its not a red cup and he also definitely had the hottest HOTT this week. I think everyone is just hating on the Freedom Fries and not giving this a true judgement.
Hong Kong Douchey: I'm going against the grain and voting Rufus. We have to take care of the scrotes on our home shores before we start voting for furriner, cheese-eating, surrender monkeys like Eurobag.
While it's true that we must first look inward at our own scrote/hott problems, the Eurobag was just too prime category to deny. And poor Tarzana, who would've won in a walk if only he'd made the "Kissy Lips:"
Double O Douche: Tarzana FTW bad tatts niple rings and a F'n loincloth looks like a gay print ad for Fruit of the loom
The Blessed Scrotini: I vote for Tarzana. Even though the douchery that he exhibits isn't as off the charts as Eurobag I feel it more easily promotes yin-yang of douche-hott comingling that one can see in the wild. Or in your friend's apartment.
Good points, TBS. But this was an overwhelming victory (loss) of douche and hott. Lets let Wheezer take us home:
Eurobag FTW. He bought the poo blue contacts after he got tired of being called "David Schwimmer".....despite crafting his hair in the "Ross" manner. Plus he's wearing blonde pleather hott's spare clothes.....which just happen to fit him like a glove.
But Smoot will still smash him in the Monthly.
Eurobag and Monique earn the last slot in the Monthly, and yes, they will get crushed by Smoot. Another excellent week of comments, props to all who voted.
Your unshaven narrator, The DB1, will now get a coffee and scratch himself.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
The Tylenolbag
Add up the cultural signifiers in this swirling cocktail blend of garish monstrosity and you'll get a headache from the cognitive strain.
Thus, my advice is do not try to narrativize the backstory of this porcine poo and porcelain plastic princess.
Do not attempt to explain the Hardy images, Hammer-time hat, and rouge-stains.
Instead take two cyanide laced Tylenol caplets. And, if you make it, call me in the morning.
The Air-Bubble Shartbag
You know that weird sensation when you've eaten too many HoHos, and just got done watching a marathon of Sanford n' Son on TV Land so you're lightheaded from the antics of Redd Foxx, and you sit up too fast, and your head spins?
So you reach over to steady yourself by grabbing on to your mid century oak side table, the one with the collectors item Doctor Who Zygon you purchased at Comicon two years ago after meeting the late, great Stan Winston?
But because you're dizzy, you miss the table entirely, and slip on your vintage old-school Colecovision you hooked up to your TV to impress last night's hott by showing her your prowess at playing Mr. Do's Castle?
And you stumble backwards, landing on your stained rug butt first, hitting it so hard, you let out a tiny air-bubble shart?
That's this guy.
Air-Bubble Shart.
With matching belt buckle.
Being John Malscrotevich
Breaking: Mena Suvari Engaged to Douchenozzle
That shit is so Cash Warren.
Not sure if Suvari actually falls into the Hollyhott category. But she was in American Pie.
And she had rose pedals in that mediocrity of a sitcom of an Academy Award winning thing about floating plastic bags.
Speaking of floating plastic bags, I wonder what Shannon Elizabeth's up to.
The Podgebag
Some days we come face to face with douchescrotery so varied, it's impossible to peg to a single category.
With army cap at 165 degree tilt, giant headdana, gangsta bling and emo eyeliner, there's about four different 'bag categories at work here.
This stage-4 Douchepocalypse means not even light itself can escape unaltered. Lisette didn't stand a chance, she is too far gone to save. Within moments she'll be making either "The Westside" or "The Sideways Peace."
Monday, August 24, 2009
Tiananmen Squares
Adam writes in from China:
----
DB1-
I couldn't help but snap a photo of these two douchebags while I was in Xiamen, China this last week. The females are gorgeous (they were girlfriends of the club's owners), and superscrote on the right is actually wearing a pink Gucci belt to complete the douchebaggery.
Seeing as this was outside the club and I couldn't handle the Faux-hawk on the left any longer, I checked to see what these guys were drinking when they were, sadly, allowed into the club. As you might guess, Heineken was the drink of choice.
Hope you can have some fun with this one!
-Adam
----
We need to take Heineken back from the douchescrote. It's a relatively decent beer that does not deserve this fate.
Surely there are some bad-ass Asian gangsters who can take these puds out. I've seen enough Tsui Hark and John Woo to know that this night's going to end badly for the Gwai Lo.
With soft focus, slow motion, exploding squibs, Christ imagery and lots of doves.
Skizzle
Skizzle says, The Ladiez love the golden faux!
You know what stage-4 Douche and Douchebaguette cohabitating means.
Time to crack open a tasty bottle of MD 20/20, pour half over ice, and sip until evening while snacking on tasty Hostess Chocodiles.
Ryan Jenkins and Jasmine Fiore are not Voting in the HCwDB of the Week
The late Ryan Jenkins and Jasmine Fiore, the former a reality TV something and recent murderer/suicider, and the latter a victim of hottie/douchey tragedy,can't actually stop by and vote in the HCwDB of the Week contest.
But they're in the news, and your hungover narrator likes to remain topical with his pop culture and news references, especially when they speak to HCwDB disaster.
Yeah, this post is kinda bringing me down. Because we should never make fun of murder tragedies. That's where we as a society draw the line.
Unless you're Jay Leno and it's OJ Simpson/Nicole Brown Simpson. Then it's hilarious. And produces fifteen years of material.
Crown Chest Guy Voted
Crown Chest Guy stopped by to vote in the HCwDB of the Week Contest.
He brought a triumverate of tasty Milfy mom-hotts.
And his douche-bro, Kenny, in the background. Kenny clearly needs Gulliver's Lilliputians to hike up his pants and set his scrotundae on fire.
HCwDB of the Week
A new week. A new round of hottie/douchey mock, as the DB1 wishes for more Peyton List in Mad Men's Season three.
Here's your finalists:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Rufus Veinwright
I heard there was a secret scrote...
whose favorite cereal is Honey Nuts and Oats,...
...but you don't really care about cereal, do you?...
It goes like this...
The hair, the roids...
The forehead vein,...
The existential void...
That baffles the clueless hott... with Hallipoojah...
Apologies to Leonard Cohen and to Rufus Wainright. This guy is a douche. And our lady friend isn't naturally a-list, but has undeniable suckle thigh.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: The Eurobag
About time we get back to the basic 'bag tagging categories.
This is a primary one.
An archetype, if you will.
The Euroscrote. Poofy hair. Douchey bling. Chest reveal. Angora "Ed Wood" sweater.
And, the clincher, Bedazzler jeans. I can't help but wonder what the scions of the Left Bank in Paris would say to know that after a century of military invasion, cultural transformation, modernity shifting into postmodern crisis, and, of course, tasty fromage, this is all they'd have to show for it.
Monique is all that's natural and bouncy about the Eurohott, and her smile should be celebrated with fireworks and tree humping.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Tarzana: King of the Bunghole
As with Rufus Veinwright, Tarzana is a douche who would be a heaping uberscrote if making the "Kissy Lips" or "Douche Pout," but is nearly saved by his happy and relatively friendly un-douchey expression.
As a result, Tarzana is hard to hate.
He just looks happy to be there.
This in spite of shirtlessness in the club, hair spike, absurd pec tatt, nipple ring (!), hint of chin pube, and bizarre fig-leaf dressup.
Rachel Ray is going to teach a cooking show later, and while her arm tatt is beyond over-the-top unnecessary, and she's on the heavy side, there's still something tasty about her facial expression.
It says, "I would paddle your bottom, DB1. And then make you cocoa."
So them's your three. Not the greatest week of pics, but this is all fodder for next week's Smoot coronation. And I still need your vote.
Which of these three has the right mix of hott and douche to call itself HCwDB of the Week?
Vote, as ever, in the comments thread.
Here's your finalists:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Rufus Veinwright
I heard there was a secret scrote...
whose favorite cereal is Honey Nuts and Oats,...
...but you don't really care about cereal, do you?...
It goes like this...
The hair, the roids...
The forehead vein,...
The existential void...
That baffles the clueless hott... with Hallipoojah...
Apologies to Leonard Cohen and to Rufus Wainright. This guy is a douche. And our lady friend isn't naturally a-list, but has undeniable suckle thigh.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: The Eurobag
About time we get back to the basic 'bag tagging categories.
This is a primary one.
An archetype, if you will.
The Euroscrote. Poofy hair. Douchey bling. Chest reveal. Angora "Ed Wood" sweater.
And, the clincher, Bedazzler jeans. I can't help but wonder what the scions of the Left Bank in Paris would say to know that after a century of military invasion, cultural transformation, modernity shifting into postmodern crisis, and, of course, tasty fromage, this is all they'd have to show for it.
Monique is all that's natural and bouncy about the Eurohott, and her smile should be celebrated with fireworks and tree humping.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Tarzana: King of the Bunghole
As with Rufus Veinwright, Tarzana is a douche who would be a heaping uberscrote if making the "Kissy Lips" or "Douche Pout," but is nearly saved by his happy and relatively friendly un-douchey expression.
As a result, Tarzana is hard to hate.
He just looks happy to be there.
This in spite of shirtlessness in the club, hair spike, absurd pec tatt, nipple ring (!), hint of chin pube, and bizarre fig-leaf dressup.
Rachel Ray is going to teach a cooking show later, and while her arm tatt is beyond over-the-top unnecessary, and she's on the heavy side, there's still something tasty about her facial expression.
It says, "I would paddle your bottom, DB1. And then make you cocoa."
So them's your three. Not the greatest week of pics, but this is all fodder for next week's Smoot coronation. And I still need your vote.
Which of these three has the right mix of hott and douche to call itself HCwDB of the Week?
Vote, as ever, in the comments thread.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Douche Designing for Fun... and Profit!
How to dig out of America's current economic crisis? Douchewear.
What does this clip teach us?
1. Visors attract more of a hip crowd.
2. You've got to be mindful of what's going on in popular culture. Which means, of course, "Mine... not yours."
3. "Bigg Dogg." via douche-to-english dictionary = "small penis."
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Cease and Defist
Fistbumping is a relic of the early 00s. Definitely douchey, but can be passable in the right friendly circumstance (aka not sure if the other guy washed his hands).
Air Fistbumping a camera? With mandana and medieval quotation chest-tatt douche markings? While your Tiny Princess Hott snuggles?
Go directly to uberdouche. Do not pass Go.
Starhead Saturday
What's most impressive about Starhead isn't the fact his shirt has a rose to match the rose he's given the brunette Famke Jansen hott.
It isn't even his commie belt buckle or triceratops gel hair.
It is the subtle finger points while grabbing dual ass pear.
They state, "Starhead may be playing up his androgynous rockstar persona, but when the ladies aren't paying attention, he got mad game, dog!"
No. No he do not got made game, dog.
For he only got crabs.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Friday Thoughts and Links
There's something to be said for the superhuman douchescrotes carrying ever onward despite age, receding hairlines and potential skin cancer.
Refusing to bow down to societal mock, they douche ever onward. Hat tilting and hair gelling to the last.
For all of us here at HCwDB, we need our supervillains to battle.
Without The Gator, the Donk, Fish Slap and Smoot, where would we as a society know to draw the line at garish turd-douchery in presence of the hott?
They help us to define the poo. As such, we should... well, continue to mock their sorry asses.
Here's your links:
Gramps wins! Good for gramps.
Do you hear that sucking sound in Vegas? It's a natural phenomenon that geologists call The Triforce of Douche.
Mila Kunis is the future ex-Mrs.DB1. I will woo her with dandelion wine and fried plantains until she grows bored and texts her agent demanding he cut the meeting short.
Some dude in Hollywood is on a comedy mission: Arthur Kade: The Miniseries. I'm just pleased I was one of the quotes featured. And now here's Arthur Kade: The Miniseres, Part 1. The problem is, Kade'll be flattered.
For the ladies: How to reduce cleavage wrinkles? Kush Support.
Reality thespian, intellectual scion and humanitarian social theorist Jon Gosselin is turning so douchey, the TLC network plans to blur all Ed Hardy from the show.
Orange County seems offended that I place them in my top five HCwDB areas. You may quibble with the rhetoric but can you really challenge the underlying premise? Or, in OC speak, "why y'all bein' a playah hatah?"
"I advertise my business with my muscles"
And finally, because I like to give back to the community, here's some hydroponic ass pear.
Go forth and celebrate. Another day of living.
Joey Goes for Boob
When you're leaning in for a simultaneous boob grab and head lunge, causing Suzanne to stumble backwards and grab on to you so she doesn't fall down, the 'roid rage may be kickin' in, Joey.
Someone needs a time out.
And by time out, I mean anal probe from the Lizard People of Theta-9.
While I whisk Suzanne off to my pup tent for marshmallow shoulder rubs and awkward sleeping-bag groping.
Pukey McJerz
Nothing says "sexy" quite like a Bleeth and a Douche cuddling by a parking lot rest stop in outer New Jerz.
Up next, The Bleeth Toss.
Friday Haiku
PIC DELETED
Do boobs a hot make?
Cuddles with Hardpocalypse,
phallic champagne pops.
Me thinks Heiddegger's
Existentialism Is
Boobs precede essence.
-- "Lesbian Thermos" Ernie Tubesock
sister's airbrushed shirt
stoically is mocking
his little pony
-- Dimples
eyes of alien
say call the mothership on
my giant funbags
-- Extra Douchetestrial
Hard body, worn face
Apart from melancholy
Nothing is real here
-- Deputy Douche
Do boobs a hot make?
Cuddles with Hardpocalypse,
phallic champagne pops.
Me thinks Heiddegger's
Existentialism Is
Boobs precede essence.
-- "Lesbian Thermos" Ernie Tubesock
sister's airbrushed shirt
stoically is mocking
his little pony
-- Dimples
eyes of alien
say call the mothership on
my giant funbags
-- Extra Douchetestrial
Hard body, worn face
Apart from melancholy
Nothing is real here
-- Deputy Douche
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Ask DB1: Is Pink Autoscrote?
----
DB1,
I have been a solid follower of the site from the Great White North and approve wholeheartedly of your seemingly futile attempt to eradicate the douche or at the very least eradicate the hott's association with scrote.
I must extend a query related to the pink shirt on a dude. For years now I have railed against this practice based solely on the traditional belief that it is a color reserved for the fairer sex.
I personally believe it to be on the same level as so many other douche qualities. Like super-quaffed hair or excessive jewelry and anything else that is basically taking a traditional female approach to garments and grooming and wrongly applying to the male realm.
Thoughts?
Sincerely,
Bilbo Baggins
----
As with cars and tatts, I refuse to condemn an entire color to the realm of auto-scrote. I also think it's reductive to claim that color should be determined by socially imposed gender binaries. If we buy into society's determinant that "pink=girl" and "blue=boy," are we not letting the very dictates of culture determine what we wear in the same way Ed Hardy overcharges for feces stained t-shirts?
That being said, Pinky McShave here makes a strong argument as he and his "boyz" mug Tiny Dancer on the dance floor.
I turn it over to you. What say you? Are pink clothes on a guy automatically scrotey? Or should we refrain from the douchal condemnation of an entire color on the wavelength spectrum?
Rule of Thumbs
If you have to tattoo "HARD CORE" on your fingers, you are neither "hard," nor "core."
Even Svetlana learned that in Poland.
In Scrabble, unless there's a "double word" bonus, your hands are worth 14 points.
And if you interlace your hands, you're just CHOARRED. Which makes, like, no sense at all.
In fact there are numerous other eight letter words that would be more appropriate for finger tatting.
Like aardvark.
Or dognapper.
Or milkweed.
Or odometer.
Or psyllium.
The "Rockstar Leniency Rule" Explained
Some remain confused about what exactly is meant by the "Rockstar Leniency Rule."
To wit (to Chiam Witz), here it is explained again:
In certain specific cases, those in which dressing up in douchesque ways are part of a theatrical or musical spectacle, there is some leeway granted before we tag "douche."
This covers the carnivalesque superhero (like the WWE), the stage show singer/performer (Kiss, Van Halen) and the from-the-streets success story (Lil' Wayne, 2Pac, Jewel Kilcher).
If musical success has been achieved, douchosity can be seen as a necessary costume or affect -- like whooping cough. It is not necessarily forgivable, it is simply factored in as potentially a part of the performative spectacle.
The second part of the R.L.R. involves factoring in humor or self-deprecation. Justin Timberlake, long seen as a major carrier of the Grieco Virus, has mostly redeemed himself by participating in self mocking and taking the piss out of his "pretty boy" construct. I'm not ready to grant Timberlake a full nottadouche just yet, but he's on the road of recovery.
Again, this is a case by case basis.
Kid Rock remains an ubersquat both on and off stage, no RLR granted. John Mayer attempts humorous self deprecation to appeal for an RLR, but in his case, Mayer simply reveals the gargantuan ego of the true douche rotting and festering in his soul.
The RLR is never automatic. It merely allows us leeway to account for the performative by the entertainer that we wouldn't grant to, say, one of the Joey Porsche Long Island poseur crew.
Flash Gorton
Looks like you caught a fishstick with guyliner, Sally.
Toss it back before it starts singing falsetto karaoke.
Starhead
That reminds me.
Did I leave my greased up starhead kissing an Asian hott at home again?
I hate when I forget to kick it in the nads.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Fool Colt's Pendulum
Okay, for those whining that Mensa Candidates didn't have enough hottness in it, I'm pulling the post.
But this is your punishment for annoying the DB1 with whining.
Smell it... smell it... now take it.
This mess is a toxic swirl of HCwDB iconography. Donkey Douche. Chandlerbag. An indeterminate bikini hott. Ubiquitous Red Cup. All these signifiers swirling in one image, recoded and remixed into one giant flashing neon poop.
I declare this pic art.
And by art, I mean AIYEEEEEE!!!! MEIN EYES!!!
Becca's Vegas Tag
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hcwdb-
This pic was taken at the rooftop at moon at the Palms in Vegas. I don't remember the particulars, but I do seem to remember them telling us they were male models. hahaha.
I live in LA, so nothing really surprises me anymore.
Thanks for the blog. I dig it!
- 'Becca
----
Nice tag 'Becca, and while I'm not sure whether you're the brunette getting crunched between Fauxhawk Rocker or the blonde curling up with Roidy McDNeck, I give you props for surviving the exposure to Vegas Scrotery.
I don't think they lied to you, though. They clearly are male models. They just model diaper poopy.
The Eurobag
So I'm buying my bagel and YooHoo this morning at the local Korean deli, when this old lady taps me on the shoulder.
Old lady: "Excuse me, sonny. Can you tell me how one can look like a douche while groping a hott in Europe?"
Excuse me? I responded.
Old lady: "The Eurodouche! How does it work? I'm talking without the Ed Hardy, bling, kissy lips and orange tan. How can we identify a Eurodouche mugging a Eurohott?"
Two words, I responded. Bedazzled jeans.
And then I handed her this pic.
She thanked me and bought a dozen lottery tickets.
The moral of this story is never look an alpaca in the teats.
Yup, your humble narrator is making no sense again. I blame the Yoohoo's sugary chocolate goodness.
Tarzana: King of the Bunghole
Tarzana's found a tasty Jane to swing from his tree.
To root with his cheetah.
To loin cloth his noble savage.
To, uhm, have sex with.
Because I'm fresh out of euphemisms. And need a coffee.
HCwDB of the Week: Scrote Baio and Ophelia
A most impressive and hard fought weekly came down to Scrote Baio's Doctor Who-ish absurdies and the gangsta puditude of Vanilla Putz, with Baio in charge. The voters speak:
Bilbo Douchebaggins: Scrote Baio FTW. He's got all the signs of being a Douche. Hat. Mandana. Stupid Tats. A clear URC. Gang Signs While Holding the Cup. and is that a ring in his nose or just a bad shadow? Either way, he sucks therefore he wins. PS. There's even a little "Joanie Loves Scrotie" going on here.
The Double Douche: Scrote Baio, FTW. Your very presence in Ophelia's breathing space has lowered her intelligence to sub-human levels. The question mark on your "Outer hat" fathoms the question, "How many fingers am I holding up?" while the mandana keeps such deep thoughts from actually getting through to your skull. Your only desirable trait is Ophelia and fear she will soon start bleeding from the ears.
Whoop-di-douche: Scrote Baio for being the 64,000 Dollar Question: how many head lice can live under a fez?
Vin Douchal: Scrote Baio delivers. Bad tatts and questionable "Question Wear" combined with a cutie that if fouled by this guy may as well move to a disease ridden, famine region in Africa to find a doctor with a cure.
Mr. Scrotato Head: Got a Tweet from the spunk dangling from Scrote Baio's nose. Says he's voting for the Baiobag. Who am I to doubt the wisdom of Douche Drippings? Scrote Baio and his sentient splooge FTW.
WillieWonkadouche: I'm just thankful that's Jesus' eyes are covered by Scrote Baio's club wristband so that he doesn't have to witness to the ridiculous Riddler hat. Baio FTW.
2Douchetacular: Scrote Baio!!! Because nothing says I'm unique, like a bull nosed flower tatted ear pulley joker douche like you my snowy barkley......
Mr. Biggs: Scrote Baio all the way. His doe in the headlights look belies a douchery so advanced, he must think his get up is perfectly normal casual attire. For that we must honor him for his extra-mile effort. And fish-slap him with just enough force to transfer a bit of the slap to Ophelia there. Because we must warn her, but not get her to a nunnery.
Double Bock: Scrote Baio FTW because thinking of him with Ophelia makes me want to punch kittens. Besides, anyone that takes fashion advice from Matthew Lesko deserves a weekly.
Pope Belligerent I: While the appeal of the Gangsta Butler is undeniably powerful, I will always throw my vote behind a douche wearing a hat over a bandanna. And if that hat has Riddler-style question marks all over it, as if to ask the world "how much head protection does one douche need?", then in my mind this isn't even a contest. Plus, Ophelia is as delicious as Scrote Baio is groin-meltingly awful.
Excellent esoterica in the comments threads this week, props to all for bringing appropriately strange references to this pic. It deserved it. But a very close second place, Vanilla Putz brought the suburban wigga voters out in force:
Dr. Bunsen Honeydouche: Vanilla FTW! I've never wanted to beat a guy to death with his own butler and then beat the butler to death but now I can! Scote Baio is harmless and has no butler. Poor HPC looks like a stiff breeze would knock him over but he does have the Amazonian hott but no butler.
Wherami: Vanilla Putz: Not just another white boy that is going to peek at 18 and be serving you at the nearest Waffle House and telling you how once he was on this website and he WAS somebody...
Troy Tempest: My cat squeezes out stanky turds with more brains than this putz. Vanilla Putz FTW.
MISS KITTY: My vote is Vanilla Putz, simply because in his pubescent stupidity, he takes his shirt off to show a really pathetic set of abs. Then, the butler photo just kicks it in the clutch, further exemplifying his sad sad physique. His butler looks better than him. No, they both suck. And the place is just filthy, they obviously take turns beating the dog and pissing all over the floor.
Douchemockracy: Vanilla Putz FTW (but all props to Crucial for the Scrote Baio tag). VP has many many years in which to perfect the fine art of douchiness (just look at him now - he's already off to a flying start). I shudder to think what this uberchoad will look like once his balls have dropped in 5 years time. And I like his hott. A lott.
Well said, panel. But lets not forget Homeless Phil Collins, who found his Genesis with some voters. Yeah, I just made a Genesis joke:
CeeGee: The Homeless Phil Collins' disturbing smirk and ab reveal provoked much more rage from me than the harmless Vanilla Putz and Scrote Baio. I mean, look at Baio. He almost smiles there. So yeah. Homeless Phil Collins FTW this week.
Sergeant Scrote Stain: I'm punching my ticket for the dishonorable Phil Collins for two semi-coherent reasons. A) Ab reveal, possibly the most unifying douche move in existence. B) His hott is 11 feet tall. I have long dreamed of an erotic encounter with an Amazon Princess, and this bucket of duck butter has forever tainted that epic vision. What a selfish putz. Phil Collins FTW. And by, "FTW," I mean, "please die immediately."
Mmm... Amazonian princesses. We should not forget how potently toxic the ab reveal remains. But this is Scrote Baio and Ophelia's turn to Zapp into the monthly. Lets let MoeDouche take us home:
Scrote Baio FTW!
Old geezer Collins just looks like a out of work porn star with his coked-up agent. Vanilla Putz is just a little punk crashing for the day.
Scrote Baio has the wholesome hottie and that idiot "?" hat and mandana ensemble. Yeah, DB that's the question: "Why is that sweet hottie standing next to poop?" He tops it all off with primitive amazonian earrings and a c*k ring attached to his nose. Let's not forget the one-arm tats. This scrote is one of a kind!
I couldn't agree more, M.D., and props to everyone for bringing serious A-Game pop culture references and critiques. That's what I'm talkin' about. See Baio and O in the monthly, where they will get destroyed by Smoot.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Honorary Douchebag of the Month: Brett Favre
If we define the douchebag as the preening narcissist who turns himself into a spectacle to attract attention, than who better to earn an honorary Douchebag of the Month than the clown prince of football, Brett Favre?
This oafish yoyo has come out of retirement yet again, simply to see headlines about himself coming out of retirement yet again.
Whether you're a fan of football or not, this self-important preening narcissist spends the better part of each year making sure his ass is suitably kissed by football fans, talk show hosts and media the world over.
He has retired and unretired more times than a porn star late on car payments, proving not only that his massive ego needs constant placation, but that the sport itself is secondary to the desire to see his name endlessly trumpeted on TV and radio.
Since personifying the faux-humble jockbag that Mary dated in There's Something About Mary in 1998, Favre hasn't just forced us to reverse the "r" and "v" when we pronounce his name. He's forced us to pay attention to his unquenchable need to be talked about. Constantly. To have the world kiss his ass on a yearly basis with "will he or won't he" stories for almost a decade straight.
"Attention Whore" doesn't begin to cover it. He makes Perez Hilton look like J.D. Salinger.
Suck it, Favre. You lead the douche league in interceptions, stubbley chin hair and self worship. Even when your father died, you turned it into a spectacle about yourself playing a freaking game rather than mourning with your family. This makes you a massive pile of douche water.
Take your Levis and your chin hair and your false small-town good ole' boy performances and stuff 'em up your ass. The fact I have to listen to another year about your sorry ass "retiring" makes me want to throw an interception made out of monkey feces and spittle.
Get the hell off my teevee and never come back.
Patrick Bugman
Patrick Bugman's grandparents shortened his last name from "Bugmintzsky" after arriving at Ellis Island in the 1920s.
Where the presiding immigration officer proclaimed the family "incredibly Eurodouchey."
Ask DB1: Are all Tatts Douchey?
----
my humble narrator-
love your site. i myself work in a d-bag haven, a motorcycle shop. there's enough affliction and ed hardy in there to choke a horse. but i digress.
my question is why do tattoos deserve douchebag status?
while many people have regrettable tattoos, myself included, there are many great tattoos and tattoo artists that deserve recognition for their artwork. do all tattoos denote douche? or are some acceptable? i have some of my full sleeves done and i looked at many artist's online portfolios, reviews and shops before deciding who to use. it's been a great experience and i know for a fact i'm not a douchebag or dress like one.
-- american bagger
----
Good question, A.B. This brings us back to the conceptual tagging of adouchrements as we saw in last week's car discussion. How abstract can we go in conceptually placing a category or item as douche?
My first instinct is to resist too broad a douchal categorization. For it is in the specific use of iconography, myth, signifier and item that douchery is created. Therefore tatts are not inherently douchey, by definition.
But the overt display of tatts, done as masculine proving ground and predicated on the notion of spectacle to attract the boobie hottie, always is.
Caption This Pic
Coach Hardy: "Ladies? Get out there... and win one for my zipper."
Boba's Fête
Impressive: Carrying a cutie like a sack of potatoes
Most impressive: Making the "Kissy Lips" while carrying a cutie like a sack of potatoes
But you are not a Jedi yet: Being unable to levitate the Ubiquitous Red Cup while making the "Kissy Lips" while carrying a cutie like a sack of potatoes
Monday, August 17, 2009
HCwDB After Dark
Come on in!! It's HCwDB After Dark. The water's fine.
Grab a Heineken. And one of those tasty mini quiches I had my 'tard servant, Mongo, cook up in the solar fryer.
The ladies are in sexy black bikinis and, to honor Mongo, are practicing their own version of 'Tard Face. Judging by my peeper reaction, natural selection prefers boobies to brains.
It's HCwDB After Dark.
Where the hotts are confused and the douches suffer from "Young Keith Richards Face."
Caleb and Courtney's Ass Pear
We don't usually feature a lot of the southern redneck bar-crawling girl branding douchebags on the site. It's time we do.
Branding your girl's ass with your name? In cursive? Especially a southern peach whose plums are nectarinely tangelloed? Who's ass is peared?
Redneck douche.
Laugh it up, Oldbag. She's still cheating on you with the kitchen help.
And stop using the Aids Quilt as pants.
Rufus Veinwright
Rufus is such a happy 'bag, I almost want to give him a nottadouche. Almost.
But then I smacked myself in the face with a fungal covered coosh ball for even considering such a ludicrous notion.
Douche.
For his faux and 'tude and Jesus bling and wristdanna are markers of schroad too ubershlorty to ignore. Yeah, I just wrote "markers of schroad too ubershlorty to ignore." Suck on that, Homi Bhabha.
Blondie is trashy, Bleethy and unrecoverably douchebaguette. But it's Monday, and she's gnawable in all the right places, so I'm going with it.
Smoot Voted
Two weeks ago HCwDB of the Week winner Smoot just voted in this week's Weekly.
Smoot also wanted to remind everyone to make sure you go for a Scoliosis Check at least once a year before hitting on slutty beach hotts.
This important P.S.A. brought to you by People for the Douchical Treatment of Hottsicles.
Yeah, not the most creative joke. I blame the Mr. Pibb.
HCwDB of the Week
Last week featured the legendary reappearance of Donkey Douche to tell us "nobodys" off. But there were also some significant entries in hottie/douchey deconstruction. Which of these three pics contains the right unholy swirl of taint and boobie to warrant elevation (descent) to call itself HCwDB of the Week?
I can't make that determination without your vote. Here's yours finalists:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Vanilla Putz
Has there been a pic on the site recently that more encapsulates the glazed, white suburban "thugz" look than in this slice of barely post-pudescent housechoad? I think not.
On the flip side, Irene is curvy senior year barely-18 goodness. At least I hope she's 18. Otherwise, my cerebellum is going to jail for boobie thoughtcrime.
But why I selected this entry for the Weekly was due to one simple reason: gangsta butler.
It's like Gerard Butler, only without the awkward romantic comedy mid-career transition.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Scrote Baio
Props to Crucial Head for winning the Tag this 'Bag contest, as Scrote Baio brings his Zapped powers to corral Ophelia with his goofy spew.
Scrote Baio is 25 and douchey.
But how to describe Baio's clown show? Is this some bizarro mix-and-match of post-punk insignias merging with emo dressup? Or just some dude with a confused sense of Halloween?
What's clear is Ophelia's girl next door goodness, wholesomeness and slightly arty attitude.
She's going to Cornell, but she doesn't want to talk about it so stop asking.
And she thinks urban skyscrapers are phallus substitutes for sexually frustrated men. Which, of course, they are.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Homeless Phil Collins
The second pic featuring ab revealing doucheclownery in our contest this week.
And because 1980s Phil Collins references never fail to crack me up.
And Cindy is not getting the appreciation she deserves. She is southern party girl sweetness. Sure she'll divorce you after the kids, she drives American only and shops at Target and CostCo. And sure she thinks Applebees is a "quality night out."
But her giggle is mellifluous.
So you put up with the rest.
Velvet Flog got too many "nottadouche" passes in the comments threads to be a finalist, despite his uberhott brunette.
Lake Dickheadus and Image 'Tard and the hairsplosion of Spike or Faux also just missed the cut.
So them's your three. As the DB1 gets a coffee and recovers from his ill advised "Pizza and PBR" Sunday night, it's your turn.
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
I can't make that determination without your vote. Here's yours finalists:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Vanilla Putz
Has there been a pic on the site recently that more encapsulates the glazed, white suburban "thugz" look than in this slice of barely post-pudescent housechoad? I think not.
On the flip side, Irene is curvy senior year barely-18 goodness. At least I hope she's 18. Otherwise, my cerebellum is going to jail for boobie thoughtcrime.
But why I selected this entry for the Weekly was due to one simple reason: gangsta butler.
It's like Gerard Butler, only without the awkward romantic comedy mid-career transition.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Scrote Baio
Props to Crucial Head for winning the Tag this 'Bag contest, as Scrote Baio brings his Zapped powers to corral Ophelia with his goofy spew.
Scrote Baio is 25 and douchey.
But how to describe Baio's clown show? Is this some bizarro mix-and-match of post-punk insignias merging with emo dressup? Or just some dude with a confused sense of Halloween?
What's clear is Ophelia's girl next door goodness, wholesomeness and slightly arty attitude.
She's going to Cornell, but she doesn't want to talk about it so stop asking.
And she thinks urban skyscrapers are phallus substitutes for sexually frustrated men. Which, of course, they are.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Homeless Phil Collins
The second pic featuring ab revealing doucheclownery in our contest this week.
And because 1980s Phil Collins references never fail to crack me up.
And Cindy is not getting the appreciation she deserves. She is southern party girl sweetness. Sure she'll divorce you after the kids, she drives American only and shops at Target and CostCo. And sure she thinks Applebees is a "quality night out."
But her giggle is mellifluous.
So you put up with the rest.
Velvet Flog got too many "nottadouche" passes in the comments threads to be a finalist, despite his uberhott brunette.
Lake Dickheadus and Image 'Tard and the hairsplosion of Spike or Faux also just missed the cut.
So them's your three. As the DB1 gets a coffee and recovers from his ill advised "Pizza and PBR" Sunday night, it's your turn.
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Reader Mail: Delena Learns Her Lesson
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Hey Db1,
Your site is the Douchebag Mecca of the World!
Being a woman that is an avid clubber and someone who luvs 2 take pictures when Im a little, lets say, uhmmmmmm DRUNK? I am NOW AFRAID 2 take photos with strangers. U are helping all the young hotties like me 2 be more aware of the surrounding douchebachery (is that a word in your douche dictionary?) that lies within the glitzy party scene.
I mean, I dont want my parents 2 see me with the douchebag of the week LMAO!!!
So I have 2 say, Im writing because of 2 things; I want to submit a pic and have a question.
First, What is up with the SMIRK that these douches give? They dont smile, they more like PUCKER like little bitches or wanna be male Angelina Jolies! I Mean come on what is that SMIRK about?
Second, I want to contribute a SMIRK-Douche (hey thats catchy). Plus to top it off hes a currently on your site, which in deed furthers his SMIRK-DOUCHERY!!
Delena H
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This email is a sign of cultural progress. I think.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Vanilla Putz
What does Vanilla Putz do immediately after his lazy, listless, bored photo-op with Irene is over?
Why, call over his gangsta butler, of course.
Because Vanilla Putz is out of brie.
Your Saturday Upchuck: Cheeto Man
Cheeto Man scares babies and small woodland creatures.
Cheeto Man causes sterility in lamb fries and hypothermia in arctic seals.
But, amazingly, Cheeto Man does not scare Suburban Party Girls.
EDIT: To respond to questions in the thread, it is true that normally I dismiss Gaybags from the site without ridicule, since gaybags, douchey or not, pose no genuine threat to the hott. However in Cheeto Man's case, the orange is so God damn 'tardtastic, it deserves mock regardless.
Meatheads
Meatheads... Meatheads...
Super douchey Meatheads...
Meatheads... Bleeth heads...
nuke 'em all... boom.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Friday Thoughts and Links
On this muggy Friday, I ruminate and my thoughts on the pervasive influence of pop culture turn to the movies. There's certain important life lessons we can take away from the movies.
Like in Swingers, we learned that you can be a depressive, overweight, whiny drip, and eventually you'll find Heather Graham sitting alone at a bar just waiting to talk to you.
Or the important lesson from Field of Dreams, in which accidentally causing your daughter to choke on a hot dog can save your house and bring back the idealism of the 1960s.
Or the vital message we learned in Groundhog Day, which is that manipulating rubes takes repetition and focus.
Or, more recently, in Transformers II, we learned that Attention Deficit Disorder is a... whoa, cool! 1950s racist stereotype Amos n' Andy robots! Makes Jar-Jar look positively progressive.
Here's your movie inspired Friday links:
The Wilhelm Scream. Enlivening action scenes via sound library for over 30 years.
Deadspin catches baseball putz Josh Hamilton scroting it up in public, shirtless, tatted up and hittin' on the hotts.
This dude plays the ladies. Literally.
Young Jennifer Connelly, at the height of her perfect boobed perfection, rides the horsey. (starts at 1:45 after a gawdawful early 90s rollerskating montage)
File under obvious: John Mayer's douchepad was designed by Giorgio Armani.
Douchebags as Installation Art. In Oslo, no less.
It's been eleven years since Saving Private Ryan came out, and I still can't forget old Private Ryan's grandaughter's fantastic breasteses. (perking up at :30) Those breasts honor the memory of our fallen.
And on that note, I give you Ass Pear.
Go forth and multiply, friends. For the weekend is upon us.
Fakebaggery / Realdouchery
What say you?
Are these fratbags attempting to spin some ironic meta-douchebaggery at Kimmy and Kelly at the Sophomore mixer? Or is this authentoscrotery?
And more importantly, does it matter? I've said it before and I'll say it again, the fine line between silly playful douche dressup and being an actual ass-kick-worthy pud is a dangerous one.
These two pudwackers have slipped on a comma and fell into an ellipses. And by that, I mean they're p(o,o).
Tag this 'Bag
I'm stumped people.
What doucher do I see before me hitting on poor Ophelia?
Is it a High School Douchical?
Perhaps a Scrotesketball?
Help me tag his sorry ass and save sweet Ophelia in the comments threads.
Friday Haiku
Shirt of epithet,
Eloquently tweets, like
pixelated poop.
A juicer boy gloats
But hott has other question
$10 for pic
-- Douche shower and shave
The only thing real
About this bleethy skank was
Abusive father.
-- Crucial Head
If there is a God
these two cannot reproduce
thank him thank him twice
-- Anonymous
Douche McClevershirt.
Well, this one's not that clever.
Whore's got all your cash.
-Amerigo Vesdouchey
Spiky leg straps for,
Killing traitor commisars,
Famke’s orgasm.
-- wonkydouchey
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Today's "To Do" List
Checking off today's "To Do" List:
* Clean the bathroom
* Vacuum and attempt a cursory de-stain of the living room rug (stupid cheez-its)
* Milk the alpacas, feed the bullfrogs and fondle the goats
* Pick up four boxes of Joe-Joes and two bottles of Blood Orange Soda at Trader Joes
* Set up appointment for collagen pec implants and chest oiling
Oh wait, got my list mixed up with this boat tool.
Reader Mail: Puerto Rican 'Tagging
----what's up DB1, i'm a fan of your page!!!!
i'm sending you a picture of one of the biggest douchebags in the Puerto Rico party scene... this dude is a class act... he thinks he's the reason girls party in the island, he skydives to impress them, he has that goatee and typically some bimbos tend to gravitate toward him to get into parties and such...
can you please post him on your site!!!! i want the world to know that the douchebag plague moves faster than swineflu, and that unfortunately it has infected the island of Puerto Rico.
let me know if you post it!!!
thanks dude and keep fighting the good fight!
- Rico Douche
----
I'll post it for the sexy boobie reveal alone, just please go easy on the "!" key there, Rico. Thomas Pynchon just registered a complaint.
Image 'Tard
Is anyone having problems seeing the images on the site lately? If so, drop me a line.
Thanks to the usual Blogger publishing software breakdowns (thank you once again, Google, for the shittiest blog publishing program on the planet), I've been having to upload my images via Imageshack to get them into the posts.
This means extra work for the DB1, and takes away valuable drinking and sitting around doing nothing and scratching myself time.
Hopefully it'll get fixed soon. In the meantime, poo.
HCwDB in the News
In exciting HCwDB news, MTV has picked up my show Is She Really Going Out With Him? for a second season and another twenty episodes. We're gearing up as we speak to bring a whole new level of hottie/douchey critique to the masses. New locations. New couples. New poo.
I celebrate with a tasty cup of Thunderbird in my trusty Ubiquitous Red Cup. And with a special frozen HoHo I saved for the occasion.
Thanks to all who helped make the show a hit by spreading the word about the show, the site or the book. I tip my cup of 'Bird to you. And may the next 20 couples be as horrifyingly trainwrecky as the first 20.
For those who haven't seen it, the episodes are still airing and I highly recommend you check 'em out.
Eric Bana in "Munich 2: Tel Aviv Douchin'"
I don't know what Spielberg's been thinking lately.
Donkey Douche to HCwDB: "U People are Nobodys!"
HCwDB legend, the one and only Donkey Douche, responds in the comments threads:
----
U people are the nerds and drones of the earth. While some of us are livin life you people sit on your computers blogin away like wastes of lives u are. Funny thing is people are out to get me , but i will beat my troubles, you people will still be worthless. I walk by people like u everyday, but funny thing is I DO NOT NOTICE U, WHY, BECAUSE U PEOPLE ARE NOBODYS. MUST SUCK TO BE A NOBODY!!!
I did some time, and now i learned a lesson and my head is clear and i am in best shape of my life!!
Here get jealous HATERS!!
http://i396.photobucket.com/albums/pp43/darkmarc14/IMG00037.jpg
This pic was after being at beach in sun for 12 hrs and drinkin for way to long .. Guess what ....
Suck my Fkn dick !!!!!
4:58 PM
----
Yeah, but can you do this?
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
HCwDB After Dark
It's HCwDB After Dark. C'mon in! The water's fine.
It's a 'bag and Bleeth spectacle on display tonight. relax by the veranda. Slip on those slippers. Light up a pipe. And kick back by the fire.
Here comes some appetizers. Help yourself to some pigs in a blanket.
And by pigs in a blanket, I mean... oh, you write the jokes. It's HCwDB After Dark.
Donkey Douche Gets Old
Some legends burn out.
Some legends fade away.
Some just hit on the new girl.
The Hippiebag
Sometimes we need to think Outside the Patchouli here at HCwDB and tag some of the more non-traditional forms of scrotal pudwhack.
Like the Hippiebag.
First things first, Hippiebag.
Phish is not a "brilliant jam band." They're juvenile noodlers.
No, Lana doesn't want to see your collection of vintage hackey sacks.
Yes, you smell like tea tree oil and vegeburgers.
And no, Lana doesn't want to invest in your Macrobiotic rooftop garden. She just wants 10% off.
Ed Hardy in Turkey
Why they hate us:
----
DB1-
Just got back from Turkey and wow Don Ed Hardy is alive there! They had these market places and literally there would not be one clothing boutique that did not sell the wrath to the future youth of Turkey.
- 5teve
-----
Dear world, we apologize for this neocolonial violence towards the indigenous cultures of the fractured colonized enabled by really douchey-ass t-shirts.
Especially you, Istanbul (not Constantinople).
You give us kabob. We give you poo.
Spike or Faux?
Time to weigh in, fellow 'bag hunters and huntresses.
Which hairstyle is superior poo:
1.Crusty McBlowout (with matching chinpube)
2. Fwippy McFaux (with blonde highlights)
Vote now!
As to young Chelsea Handler and Naughty Rachel Bilson, yes and yes.
HCwDB of the Week: Schmuckhead
After a surprisingly boisterous and close vote, Schmuckhead managed to pull it out by the grease of his forehead. And ass pear of Claudina, as featured in pic #2. The voters speak:
Douche Springsteen: Shmuckhead FTW. To paraphrase Ben Franklin "Ass Pear in a tight pink sundress and two dark hotts engaging in a sapphic kiss is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy". However, add a Shmuckhead to that equation and the line "What you have to consider is that God doesn't like you" penned by Chuck Palahniuk seems to be more apropos.
UFO Destroyers: The all-day flavorful goodness packed into those Rorschach-inspired dresses would keep me in bed for three days in a semi-coma.
g0dluvsugly: Schmuckhead FTW. The level of hotts in this image is virtually unparalleled. And not only are they hott but they are attention starved "bisexuals" who will make out in front of you, and with another goose martini, perhaps, begin fondling each others breasts. And as for schmuck? Well, he just wants to rave on.
'Bagamemnon: Schmuckhead makes my blood boil like an angry Alaskan huskie. 1 vote for Schmuckhead for the win (loss).
DoubleBock: Schmuckhead FTW! Despite the unfortunate circumstances that caused his lower legs to be amputated and have toddler feet attached to his kneecaps, he has what it takes. Obvious 'roid bag, stupid self-satisfied smirk, even stupider chin pubes, and the stupidest shirt seal the deal. Oh yeah, and some slutty hotts.
Señor Squash: I pick Schmuckhead. Because he looks like he picked up a copy of the HCWDB book, squinted intensely while studying the pictures ('cause, like, reading's for fags), and followed it like it was a how-to manual. Oh, and because Claudina's ass affects tide levels on a global scale.
DarkSock: Schmuckhead's sitting on more prime rump roast than Sam the Butcher.
Emma G: Schmuckhead FTW. His name reminds me of Smuckers and that inevitably leads to thoughts of Willard Scott, and Willard Scott mugging those 3 hot latino faux lesbians is just wrong, wrong I say.
Mr. Scrotatohead: my vote must go to schmuckhead. His doucheness is manifest purely in his sublime smugness. Never mind that he has the lower body of an eight-year-old. He more than makes up for the lack of penis with chin strip, lip gloss, and gel, gel, gel. Once crowned he will take his rightful place atop Brown Dress Hottie's tasty ass and declare, as his hero and mentor Lord Farquaad so eloquently proclaimed, "Run, run, run as fast as you can. You can't catch me, I'm the Gingertaint Man".
Well done, team, gold stars all around. A perfect eviceration of SH's classic retro-2007 douchebaggery, which is still very much out there, and very much mockworthy.
Coming in a solid second, and nearly taking the prize, was the Beach douchery of the Baller and the power of barely legal doublehotts, Tina and Trina:
AV: Schmuckhead with his douche face and hand gestures and hotts is a force to be reckoned with. But said hotts are a little too slutty and bleethsome for my taste...at least while Bleach Baller's Tina and Trina twins are around. They are like air conditioning and iced tea on a hot, muggy summer day. Their smiles warm my heart as well as my loins. Their boobies are of lightly roasted marshmallow.
Mr. White: I must cast my vote for The Bleach Baller. Why, you ask? Maybe I'm just in the mood for a simpler kind of scrote today. The kind of scrote with crappy star tats placed as if they were superfluous third and fourth nipples. A scrote who reveals his underwear instead of--oh, I don't know--JUST WEARING A F**KING BATHING SUIT SINCE HE'S AT THE DAMN BEACH!
adam: Beach baller. Not only does he represent the under appreciated flat-bill 4d tilt MLB hat douche, but the quality of the right boobie-hottie suckle thigh is far beyond that of the other entries and the ratio of hottie to douche is much, much better.
HusslinHoosier: The boobie twins are femtastically perfect. If you put lefty's tits on righty's hips it would create a black hole of hot that would very ascetically destroy the world.
Anonymous: Bleach Baller FTW. I'm never going to Coney Island again.
Paul Muad'Douche, the Kwisatz Scroterach: just compare the hotts. Schmuckhead's hotts have already been infected, and have come to equilibrium with the douchebag toxicity. Like pox scars on the faces of Mayans 40 years after Cortes, Claudina and her friends show that they've encountered the douchebag virus, and survived after a fashion. Bleach Baller's hotts are still relatively untouched, and thus may be more thoroughly ravaged by their exposure. Who knows if they'll survive. Because he is the biggest danger, and needs to be coralled for the safety of us all, I have to go with Bleach Baller.
BB's Boobie Bunch received inordinate attention, which is as it should be. Coming in third, but also with solid support, was the wreckage of Los Angeles poo, Alice in Scroterland:
Batou: Alice in Scroterland FTW. There hasn't been that much douche in one place since those two Massengill trucks jackknifed on the Jersey Turnpike back in '98.
Double O Douche: Alice in Scroterland FTW week the pic is straight up diaharea
Creature: "Scroterland" is dripping with so much poo, I had to clean my monitor with 2 Depends... ftw
Well said, and the borderline celebubag "Crazytown" status of the Scroterland posse do not excuse. So what is it about the Schmuckhead and assorted Latina Ass Pear that was pungent enough to win? Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche takes us home:
Schmuckhead FTW! Typical club douche + 3 moi caliente ass pears = weekly win. I would invent a new drinking game where I would bounce quarters off each chicas lovely rump roasts in the hopes of taking out Schmuckbags eyes. The first one to 3 wins!
Props to all who voted in what remains the highest quality satiric writing on the world wide intarwebs by comments thread regulars and occasional 'bag hunters who drop in to say hi. Good work, people.
Chalk up Schmuckhead and Claundina Ass Pear for the Monthly. And I'm a'gettin' a coffee.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
HCwDB After Dark
For those of you hangin' with HCwDB past the work hours and into the night, here's the first of what I'd like to call HCwDB After Dark.
Welcome. Come on in.
HCwDB After Dark is exactly like regular HCwDB. It just takes place after dark. And has large salinic boobies on ladies you absolutely would hit on no matter how much you deny it in this forum.
And, of course, a Hitler Chin Douche making the most awkward "West Side" hand gesture in weeks.
It's HCwDB After Dark, people. Kick back on the lounge chair. Grab a cup of Night Train and a handful of Cheetos and settle in.
We're all friends here. How's your night going?
Mad Men Season 3
Mad Men is starting up season #3 this week, which means:
A. A new season of TV's best drama.
B. A period piece of retro-cool pastiche.
C. A carefully crafted thematic meditation on gender hierarchies and the normative structures of America's racial and classist past depicted in mid 20th Century transition, mixed with a commentary on the destructive dysfunction located in the performative role playing inherent in familial frameworks.
D. More Peyton List boobie hottie suckle thigh, which the DB1 will lightly metaphorically stroke while screaming "me tap horical!" over and over in an awkward baritone.
Caption This Pic
Who knows what douchebaggery lurks in the grease stains of Albanian refugees hitting on Jennifer Garner cocktail waitresses?
The 'Stachebagger knows.
Velvet Flog: 'Bag / Nottabag
Now hear me out before you jump to conclusions.
Sure Velvet Flog is busting the velvet pants. And green sunglasses at night. And pink "winged angel" shirt.
And sure he's headlocking an absolutely gorgeous munchable Popsicle honeyhott with the aggression of sexual sublimation.
But...
Oh who are we kidding.
Douche.
EDIT: Changed "Fog" to "Flog," not to be confused with The Velvet Smog.
Poocrime
My question is this: At what point will giant douche watches, leather wristbands and garish arm-tatts all merge in some dystopic Philip K. Dick future shock to form some futuristic embedded "watchtatt"?
Think about it.
Every time a Long Island Giggle Hott is being mugged in a club, the Watchtatt could monitor the situation through a series of beeps.
Like thoughtcrime.
I will call it "Poocrime."
Simon's Ibiza 'Bag Tag
----
DB1-
good friend (brunette from australia) ended up in ibiza with her sis (not in pic) and stumbled upon some euro douchery that battles with the best from northern america.
also catches some rando uk geeza bird that loves gettin her tits out innit.
good game
- Simon
----
I try to stay away from nudity on the site for the same reason I stay away from swearing -- because HCwDB is meant to teach all ages about the foulness of scrote. And I'm fighting a (losing) battle to stay out of work filters that block sites like mine.
But this tag is so creepily European in its Euroscrote, and the hotts are so delectable, that I had to run Simon's tag. And yes, this means user submitted nudity on HCwDB.
Gatorheads have been photoshopped in by me to bloc the nips on the mainpage, but if you click on the pic, you can see the original in all it's nudie/scrotey Euro glory.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Homeless Phil Collins has Six-Pack Abs
Beat that, Homeless Peter Gabriel.
And you too, Homeless Mike Rutherford.
Yup, Phil Collins jokes. Must be a Monday.
Lake Dickheadus
For many decades, the locals who live around Lake Dickheadus have had to put up with strangers and tourists harrassing them about the strangely named lake's origins.
Like their more famous neighbors at Lake Titicaca and Lake Shittypoopoo, the name attracts much unwanted attention to this small, sleepy rural town.
"Do you realize your lake is named Lake Dickhead? That's hilarious!", the tourists are often overheard commenting to the locals. And the locals respond, Yes, we know. It is actually named after an ancient Indian tribe, The Dickheadoquoi.
But that doesn't stop the tourists from snickering.
Webster Voted
All right, I'll grant Webster a nottadouche.
Simply for being nice enough to suffer from a genetic disorder just so he could remain so adorably cherubic.
HCwDB of the Week
While it's hard to fire up a Weekly as potent as last week's scrotal/boobal smackdown, this Week's sampling of choad platter represents just fine. Like a tasty, tangy cheese platter. With gouda.
Here be your finalists:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Alice in Scroterland
While there's a bit of a "dressup" vibe to this pic, especially in terms of Alice's look, this posse of krunkstain is undeniably and authentically dog poop.
That's right. Dog poop.
The smelly New York un-picked-up kind.
Tatts of chinese letters and guns. Mandanas and "Westside" hand gestures.
And with Ray Liotta 'Bag in the middle actually bringing a dancing cane (?) to the procedings. You know. To bring a touch of class.
Alice is sweet, innocent, and lost. Even if she spends her days doing blow at the Chateau Marmont hoping Tim Burton'll cast her as "Dancing Tree Creature #3" in his upcoming film, Every Children's Book Written Between 1845 and 1962.
Yeah, I'm taking shots at Tim Burton. But only because I care. Mocking Michael Bay's racist robots just doesn't offer the same aesthetic je ne sais quois.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Schmuckhead
Yeah, maybe Smuckhead isn't the most creative 'tagging, but whaddaya want. I was hopped up on painkillers last week like a pre-morphinated Michael Jackson.
And besides. With a triumverate of Latina Hottness rubbing up on a Club Choad this rank, I could name this pic "Mother Theresa Feeds a Baby Seal" and it would still rankle.
Schmuckhead brings the forehead grease, as well as increased Claudina Ass Pear, in pic #2
And, as the comments thread notes, those are Ed Hardy-esque dresses on the hotts. The Bleething process is rapidly advanced.
And can only be saved by our collective mock.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: The Bleach Baller
This pic was crowded out of the field last week, but it's deservingly toxic wrongness has remained with me like undigested lo mein from a crappy Chinese restaurant.
Therefore it deserves its shot.
The double hott factor is off the chart -- two Long Island Kimmy Hotts, potentially Semitic librarian types to powder my bottom and send me to bed without supper.
As Massengill expertly tagged in the comments threads, Boy Wonderbread (pic #2) is indeed The Yak and Mindy from March of '08. And since Mindy was already up for a 2008 Douchie Award, and they lost the Weekly (to Tighty Armani), they're disqualified from recompeting.
HCwDB of the Week finalists are for virgins only. And by virgins, I mean taint.
Purple Nurple was also a tough near-miss. But these are the hard decisions I has to makes.
So them's your three.
Which pic offers just the right toxic mix of sexy curveyness and scrotal taint to deserve elevation to HCwDB of the Week?
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
Here be your finalists:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Alice in Scroterland
While there's a bit of a "dressup" vibe to this pic, especially in terms of Alice's look, this posse of krunkstain is undeniably and authentically dog poop.
That's right. Dog poop.
The smelly New York un-picked-up kind.
Tatts of chinese letters and guns. Mandanas and "Westside" hand gestures.
And with Ray Liotta 'Bag in the middle actually bringing a dancing cane (?) to the procedings. You know. To bring a touch of class.
Alice is sweet, innocent, and lost. Even if she spends her days doing blow at the Chateau Marmont hoping Tim Burton'll cast her as "Dancing Tree Creature #3" in his upcoming film, Every Children's Book Written Between 1845 and 1962.
Yeah, I'm taking shots at Tim Burton. But only because I care. Mocking Michael Bay's racist robots just doesn't offer the same aesthetic je ne sais quois.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Schmuckhead
Yeah, maybe Smuckhead isn't the most creative 'tagging, but whaddaya want. I was hopped up on painkillers last week like a pre-morphinated Michael Jackson.
And besides. With a triumverate of Latina Hottness rubbing up on a Club Choad this rank, I could name this pic "Mother Theresa Feeds a Baby Seal" and it would still rankle.
Schmuckhead brings the forehead grease, as well as increased Claudina Ass Pear, in pic #2
And, as the comments thread notes, those are Ed Hardy-esque dresses on the hotts. The Bleething process is rapidly advanced.
And can only be saved by our collective mock.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: The Bleach Baller
This pic was crowded out of the field last week, but it's deservingly toxic wrongness has remained with me like undigested lo mein from a crappy Chinese restaurant.
Therefore it deserves its shot.
The double hott factor is off the chart -- two Long Island Kimmy Hotts, potentially Semitic librarian types to powder my bottom and send me to bed without supper.
As Massengill expertly tagged in the comments threads, Boy Wonderbread (pic #2) is indeed The Yak and Mindy from March of '08. And since Mindy was already up for a 2008 Douchie Award, and they lost the Weekly (to Tighty Armani), they're disqualified from recompeting.
HCwDB of the Week finalists are for virgins only. And by virgins, I mean taint.
Purple Nurple was also a tough near-miss. But these are the hard decisions I has to makes.
So them's your three.
Which pic offers just the right toxic mix of sexy curveyness and scrotal taint to deserve elevation to HCwDB of the Week?
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
Sunday, August 09, 2009
Gatorade Sunday
There are many pretenders to the hottie/douchey throne.
There is only one Gator.
Saturday, August 08, 2009
Pitstop Pete
Reader Mail: A Gator Tag In Person
----
DB1-
So I'm a huge fan of h.c.w.d.b.'s. Recently, I was out in Hollywood and I thought I recognized this man as some reality celeb, although I couldn't put a finger on who exactly he was.... Lo and behold, it was clear to me.... this was "Gator". So I rushed over and made a friend take a pic- It was actually better than any kind of celebrity sighting. Even if you don't run it, I thought you might appreciate the sighting.
: ) Taylor
----
This pic has it all, Taylor. A Gator Disciple, complete with chest shave reveal. A hidden hott, being ignored by both douches more interested in fondling each other.
And of course, The Gator. In both corporeal and spectral presence.
Making hand gesture, monotone face and with a wristwatch the size of a small Bangledeshi boy. Excellent work, Taylor. You deserve a +1 'Bag Tagging award.
It's like seeing the Pope in person.
The Pope of Poo.
Friday, August 07, 2009
Friday Thoughts and Links
Your humble narrator is still in a bit of a haze.
Between the loss of John Hughes, the bizarro week of car-crashery for me, the extended afterglow of Monday's epic HCwDB of the Week, I'm abuzz and atwitter.
Despite a week of personal injury, I am on the mend. The genius of the regs in the comments threads, as well as the daily emails of hottie/douchey pic submissions, kept me going and powered me through.
Thanks to everyone who has emailed the DB1, either to wish me recovery or simply to send in a pic for my consideration of mock. If I did not write back, I blame the power of the Smoot + Crystal unholy wrongness. It's enough to slaughter puppies.
Here's your Friday Links:
Mmmm... sexy Texas librarians. Sadly, this is one where the idea was far better than the execution. Yeesh. Better stick to my librarian fantasies and skip the real thing.
A RIP to the late, great Budd Schulberg, who passed away this week at the age of 95. Author of the brilliant What Makes Sammy Run?, one of the books that got me through high school, as well as movies like On the Waterfront, Schulberg is one of the greats. RIP.
Ladies, I'm all for you ditching your douchey husbands, but this might be a bit much.
While the song itself is kind of annoying, I heartily approve of its message: F@ck Ed Hardy.
Yet Ed Hardy is now branding underwear. We're losing, people. We must keep mocking.
Supercool Winkytool. "Binky lieber meine winky"? Who knew Germans could be so funny? You know who didn't know that Germans could be so funny? All of Europe.
Reader Eliza creates some hilarious fan art inspired by HCwDB: Douche Bugz. Nicely done, Eliza!
Speaking of Germany, how about some tasty Bavarian Ass Pear.
And if that's not enough of a meal, here's some Ass Pear Salad. You've earned it.
To get you through your Friday.
Schmuckhead Says "Check my groin!"
There's forehead shine. There's massive forehead shine. And then there's Schmuckhead.
There's Ass Pear. There's curvy Ass Pear. And then there's Claudina Ass Pear.
Someone's making a push for the Weekly.
And by push, I mean female butt loaves of half baked glute bread. I would gnaw. Oh yes. I would gnaw heartily and with great respect.
Ask DB1: Douchiest Car?
----Dear DB1,
Is there a vehicle that epitomizes the douche? For example, HOS Legend The Gator is very proud of his Lamborghini, which seems to exemplify the "look at me" spectacle of a douche, but I have noticed a strong affinity for Jeep Wranglers by fratbags.
Can we know a douche just by his choice of vehicle?
Can we know a douche just by his choice of vehicle?
Keep on keeping us safe from the POS (Plague of Scrote),
-- Douchelicious
----
----
I've often felt that cars, as gaudy as some can get, are not strictly douchey based on make and model. Then again, cars like the Jeep Wrangler are pretty hard to excuse. What say you? Is there a car that rises (sinks) above all else to be called the douchomobile?
I'd argue that the main determinant is not the car, but the rims, bling and other assorted adouchetributes.
Blinged out rims? = autodouche.
Fancy "party lights" inside? = uberscrote.
And the air fresheners.
Find one in every car. You'll see.
Friday Haiku II
That last Haiku pic,
Wasn't the best for poems,
DB1 still recovering.
So here's Farmer Ted,
Puking on Cindy the Hott,
80s John Hughes douche.
Jay Chandrasekhar,
Let go of that fair maiden.
Club Dredd not funny.
-- End the Haberdouchery
Sancho Panza? Or
was it Pancho Villa? Or
was it Ass Stain Jones?
-- I drink your doucheshake
"Smell my tongue, see if
you can guess what I ate last."
*sniff* "I'll go with Ass."
-- Captain Bringdown
gaucho con guapa
necesito los tatas
dame la blanca
-- g0dluvsugly
he valet parked his
burro at the club, and tipped
the man with pesos.
-- pfah
Friday Haiku
Librarian Hott,
spanks me with dewey dec'mal.
Gack!! Run Douche M.C.
Underground rapper
Lice T celebrates minor
Hit band Body Mount.
-- Crucial Head
Some things make me happy
Librarian Hotts is one
Douche kills the boner
-- Roscoe P. Scrotestain
Slim beatnick poet
Looks away; utter disgust
with slime-draped hottie.
-- Douche Wayne
Michael Bay remakes
"Sixteen Candles" with new cast
Choice of male lead? Poor.
-- Mr. White
Thursday, August 06, 2009
RIP John Hughes
We interrupt our daily HCwDB mocking to bring some sad and tragic news. John Hughes died today of a heart attack at the age of 59.
The director of the preeminent films of my childhood in the 80s, John Hughes was an inordinate influence on my life as a kid.
RIP, J.H. You will be missed.
article.
EDIT: Anonymous in the threads correctly observes that Ian and Max from Weird Science were classic proto-douches.
Terry's Midlife Crisis
Because nothing fights the onward march of time when you're in your early 40s quite like Ed Hardy skullz caps, lack of shirt, leis, stupid tatts of seahorses and undies poke.
Yeah Terry. You're just like the kids in their early 20s. No one can tell the diff.
Marissa would rather be elsewhere.
The Mixerbag
One of the most important subgenuses of the Rockerbag oeuvre is what we term the Mixerbag or the "Sound Scrotegineer."
The creepy dude who wasn't actually good enough to play in a band, but impresses the ladies by showing off his massive hardware.
Up next: "Would you like to play with my levers?"
Good luck with that, Jack White Jr.
EDIT: Is this Adam Jones, guitarist of Tool? And if so, do we grant Rockstar Leniency? I vote Tool.
Brothabag Duke Makes a Statement
Brothabag Duke wanted to come by and contest my point about the Brothabags from last week:
Brothabag Duke: Yeah, I read how you said us Brothabags haven't been douchin' out like them white suburban punks when mackin' on the ladies, and I'd like to dispute this thesis.
How so, Brothabag Duke?
Brothabag Duke: Check my four dimensional hat tilt. It just generated 1.21 gigawatts. And my nuclear sunglasses. Indoors. At night.
Good points.
Brothabag Duke: And my hat, it's orange! Which is kinda like those silly dudes getting orange tans.
I suppose it is.
Brothabag Duke: That's all I'm sayin'. Alicia and her BFF didn't know what hit 'em. So don't say that the Brothabags can't represent like them Long Island and Jerz Guids.
I stand corrected, Brothabag Duke.
Schmuckhead
With a name like Schmuckhead, he's gotta be a douche.
Yeah, whaddaya want. I'm still a bit loopy. Clever treatises on how expertly I would explore Latina Barbie's cleavite with the thunderous hooves of a maurading gang of shetland ponies will have to wait for this afternoon.
But yes I would.
And yes, Party Boy Hal needs his chestnuts roasted over an open fire.
Wednesday, August 05, 2009
Real Douchious
Would you classify that as a launch problem or a design problem?
Smoot Sayer
Smoot and Crystal decided to celebrate their win in the HCwDB of the Week and to gear up for the Monthly with a little retro-douche Doggie 'Baggin'.
Even the pic is jaundiced by witnessing this event. I'd advise eating more citrus, camera guy. Lookin' a little green.
EDIT: As Justin and Bagoraphobe note in the comments threads, is Smoot taking hairstyling tips from the vortex of vacuous suck himself, E-Blo?
Cheers: The Next Generation
C'mon NBC, was it really necessary to set the new Cheers in a club instead of a bar?
Props for the new "Norm" and "Diane" though. Well cast.
Alice in Scroterland
I'm as big a Tim Burton fan as the next guy, but trying to update the story set in the land of X-Games douchery?
Not a very visionary choice, Tim.
What's next? Abe Lincoln statue monkey head?
HCwDB of the Week: Smoot
While your humble narrator coalesces, jacked on Motrin, The Smootster and Brunette Crystal Red-Tongue (sounds like a wampa chief) take the prize.
The run of pics, not including yesterday's puppy, here, here , here and The Freakshow pic here cannot be denied. The voters speak:
The Donger: When I see Smoot, especially as his alter ego Freakshow, it brings me back to my youth reading comic books and remembering the arch-villians portrayed in them. Smoot would be featured as a formidable enemy in a Marvel comic - if Marvel needed to feature the Hulk rescuing bleeths from Axe body spray, bad tattoos, and the smirk of doom. It might be too much, even for the Hulk. Smoot FTW.
Mr. Scrotato Head: The week must go to Smoot. His douchiness is so near perfect that it stands upon the razor's edge that is poo, as scrotesque as is douchally possible without becoming orange.
eltango: crystal's tongue makes me think she would toss a salad.
Snoop Douchey Bagg: When you buy the "My First Douchebag" kit from Fisher-Price, this is what you get when you assemble all the parts. Smoot FTW.
Don't 'bag me, bro: I vote for Smoot. The fact that he has poisoned the well that is Crystal hott has angered me. Just the thought of Crystal hott can cure most forms of erectile dysfunction. Indeed, she should be patented and available only by prescription. But Smoot has brought evil and toxicity to her. Alas, I shall never have her. My only consolation is that he has given her an uncurable STD. We're all proud of you Smoot!
Teddy KGB: The Freakshow pic (yes, it is Smoot) is the single best photo I have ever seen on Hot Chicks With Douchebags. It features the most ridiculous looking bag AND the hottest ass ever! Therefore, it must be Smoot! He must go on and battle E-Blo in the yearly! It is his douch-stiny!
memphis doucheworkers local 421: Smoot for the win. He is the exxon valdez of douche. Furthermore, cheeto's girl is not attractive enough, and stache is somehow more laughably absurd than rage-inducing. For me, a weekly winner needs to possess at least entry-level quality hott AND the ability to inspire immediate kitten-punting fury. Smoot brings it on both fronts.
J-Pompous: The roids, the mandanas, the soulpatch, the fauxhawk, the hat tilts, the oversized shades, the over-the-top tatts, the 500 dollar torn up designer jeans, the belts, the belt buckles, the hand gestures, and most of all, THAT FACE next to THAT LOVELY BEHIND= SMOOT FTW and HOS
Anonymous: my vote is for Smoot, so many things wrong, it's just overwhelming. Like emptying my toddler son's diaper pail.
"My Toddler Son's Diaper Pail" would make a great title for a biography of Smoot. Well deconstructed, team. Excellent work as always. Everyone gets an A. And I graded on a curve. A solid but distant second was the creepy oldbaggery of the 'Stachebagger and Assorted Long Island Young Mom Jenny Hotts:
Anonymous: Yes Smoot is epic and deserves a wildcard entry into the monthly, but 'stachebagger is more rage-inducing and "hot Long Island young mom" status is still hott no matter how you pound it.
Emma G: Stachebagger FTW. His 'dad like' appearance makes me want to adopt a Chinese baby girl, learn French and judo kick my cousin in the face. Makes no sense? Well you take one look at stachebagger and tell me ANYTHING MAKES SENSE!!
ac douchey: the stachebagger is mighty. he needs a bath, a shave, and a baseball bat to the teeth. absolutely enraging to witness. he looks like a homeless/roofer/molester/bon jovi fan/cheap vodka swilling/illiterate douchetard, and i feel bad typing this because i don't want to lump this turd in with anyone decent who may also be a roofer or illiterate or a homeless person or who drinks cheap liquor.
Drinking cheap liquor is what got me through High School, ACD. Good work. Nearly tied with the 'Stachebagger, in Third Place but with horrified voters voicing support, was the burnt crisp Cheeto Man:
notadouche: I couldn't decide, so I asked myself a question. . . if these three douchebags were invading your home, and you only had one bullet, who threatens our society the most??? Cheeto Man
Anonymous: Jesus, people. Do you even have eyes? FOR CHRISTS SAKE, JUST LOOK AT HIM. CHEETO.
The Douche Will Out: The Cheeto Man has no need to be elected Douchebag Supreme Of All Eternity; it is his unholy birthright.
Captain Bringdown: Cheeto is the living embodiment of Epic Fail Guy, A caricature of humanity who, despite aggressively pursuing failure, cannot achieve it. He fails to fail.
Excellent comments, and the epic post by The Douche Will Out in the thread deserves praise for its poetic vision. The 2009 Douchie Award for Orangest Orange may be one of the toughest votes of the year at the Douchies in December.
But Deputy Douche explains why Smoot and Crystal are more than the sum of their hottie/douchey douchetributes:
Smoot does not have any remarkable douche characteristics. No extraordinary orange. No tache. No extreme faux. (Although I think his doucheface is probably one of the most punchable ever).
But what he has is the best of the basics. We shouldn't be distracted by gimics. Smoot is not A Rod. He is Jeter. And because of that he is the best. Yes, Smoot FTW. F@ck You, Smoot!
Mark this vote on the calendar, as all three of these finalists will likely be up for 2009 Douchie Awards, and this was only a Weekly. Hard to believe this was just a Weekly win.
And by hard to believe, I mean Crystal's cute tongue.
Smoot in the Monthly, and the DB1 for more Motrin.
Tuesday, August 04, 2009
Purple Nurple
If there's one thing that cures a woozy DB1, it's a pic this enjoyably incomprehensible.
She has melons that would transcend mortal coil through mortal coitus. I would Florence her Nightengales, even in my post-accident state of confusion.
He's a turd cancer.
Boy Wonderbread is My Battle Cry
I may be injured, but I am not giving up the fight. I cannot rest on my laurels.
For 'bags like Wonderbread are out there. Hitting on sweet girls.
I may be banged up, but the war against the Ed Hardpocalypse has just begun.
Okay granted, he just looks like a scared boy who wants his porridge here. But not neglect the "Z" head shave. No excuse.
Smoot Wreck
Updates will be spotty today, as your humble narrator was in a nasty car accident last night. Seems my moronic New York cab driver decided to turn into a cement divider while going 70 on the Williamsberg Bridge. I spent a lovely night getting stitched up and hitting on my hott Asian nurse.
But all is fine. Just a bit of whiplash and some new scars to impress the ladies.
Since I'm recovering today, half conscious and jacked on pills, I thought I'd honor a car wreck with an equally horrific culture wreck.
That's right. Smoot + Hott + Small White Puppy.
And don't give me that "Smoot doesn't look so bad here," or I'll slap you with this cranial awkwardness.
His neck looks like my neck feels.
Monday, August 03, 2009
Boy Wonderbread
Gotta hand it to B.W. His shiny new mandana, beads and stupid shirt look like they're freshly unpacked from a Douchekit he bought at Nordstroms.
But he managed to tug a true Kimmy Hott. So for that, we mock his tonguey doucheface.
Later, his scrote posse showed up to get his back.
And by get his back, I mean point out what went wrong with the education system in America.
'Bag Tagging: "Peoplez"
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Hello Douchebag1!
I am a huge fan of your site. I wanted to call your attention to the primo douche who refers to himself as "Peoplez." Once, when asked why he earned such a nickname he responded "you know, because I like people." Awesome, Peoplez. Awesome.
Recently he has added another moniker, Mr. Biggs, which he proudly displays on his hat. He fancies himself a rapper, hence the lack of orange glow and Ed Hardy.
Truly,
-Nic
----
Peoplez.... who needs peep holes... is the scrotiest douche... in the world.
This douche is annoying me so much, I just made a freakin' Streisand reference. I'm ashamed for both of us.
Criss Angel just Voted
2008 Celebubag winner and scrotal fungus Criss Angel, and his Generic Playboy girlfriend, wanted to stop by and vote in the Weekly.
What's that, Criss? You have a comment you'd like to add?
Criss Angel: I like macaroni.
Yes. We all do.
Criss Angel: I like macaroni!!
Thanks for stopping by.
HCwDB of the Week
This is an absolutely epic Weekly.
Last week was the Monthly, so we have two weeks of hottie/douchey pics to process. And what a two weeks of spectral poo and angelic boobitude it t'was.
Here be your finalists:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: The 'Stachebagger and Various Jenny Hotts
For creepy oldbaggery hangin' on to the dream, The Stachebag is all that is gross, leathery and skeezy about Vegasland.
The Jenny tiplets are bordering on "hot Long Island young mom" status, which is a legitimate form of hotness that cannot be discounted.
And Danger Blonde on the left? I see you.
Oh yes I do.
Your buns will not go unbongoed tonight.
Observe the Stachabagger's epic run here, here and here. White belt. Frosted Faux. I just punched an emu in the balls.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Smoot and Crystal
Smoot first appeared as one of the Cactus Joes, before I realized one of the Joes was a Joe-ette.
By the time Smoot appeared in this pic, mugging Crystal with her cute tongue, his legend was born.
It was only a matter of time before his uberdouchosity would ring out in pics here, here , here and here as the Freakshow(? is it him?).
So many variations.
Tiki doucheland by day? Wrist mandana party bag by night.
Quality hotts being mugged. Consistent douche-face. Stupid $300 ts. Smoot is crying out for victory. And by victory, I mean extensive public shaming in this forum while lusting after his ladies
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Cheeto Man and Boobsie McGee
Cheeto Man has two things working against him in the Weekly.
1. Major potential gaybaggery. As mentioned many times, the Gaybag can be a douchebag, but by lacking a true threat to the hott, Gaybaggery is unthreatening, and thus forms a less potent HCwDB combo.
2. Secondary quality H.C. Sorry, Boobsie. You're cute, and have impressive attributes, but not on the level of the 'Stachebagger and Smoot's hotts.
Then why include this pic in the Weekly?
Because Cheeto Man has one overpowering element that makes him a worthy finalist. Orange. Pure Cheeto Orange.
And no, this is not photoshopped. Cheeto Man first appeared in a Friday Thoughts and Links, and made one more appearance here that creeped me out so much, I pulled it from its own entry and hid it a link.
Think about how epic this clash of HCwDB finalists is. I had to leave off such worthy HCwDB couplings as The Temple Mount, The Pouter Puff, The Chinchilla, Nostradouchemas, Tung and The Bleach Baller.
That's some serious hottness in presence of toad not to even make the Weekly. Yikes.
But these are your three. And only one coupling may triumph (fail).
Vote, as ever, in the comments thread.
Last week was the Monthly, so we have two weeks of hottie/douchey pics to process. And what a two weeks of spectral poo and angelic boobitude it t'was.
Here be your finalists:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: The 'Stachebagger and Various Jenny Hotts
For creepy oldbaggery hangin' on to the dream, The Stachebag is all that is gross, leathery and skeezy about Vegasland.
The Jenny tiplets are bordering on "hot Long Island young mom" status, which is a legitimate form of hotness that cannot be discounted.
And Danger Blonde on the left? I see you.
Oh yes I do.
Your buns will not go unbongoed tonight.
Observe the Stachabagger's epic run here, here and here. White belt. Frosted Faux. I just punched an emu in the balls.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Smoot and Crystal
Smoot first appeared as one of the Cactus Joes, before I realized one of the Joes was a Joe-ette.
By the time Smoot appeared in this pic, mugging Crystal with her cute tongue, his legend was born.
It was only a matter of time before his uberdouchosity would ring out in pics here, here , here and here as the Freakshow(? is it him?).
So many variations.
Tiki doucheland by day? Wrist mandana party bag by night.
Quality hotts being mugged. Consistent douche-face. Stupid $300 ts. Smoot is crying out for victory. And by victory, I mean extensive public shaming in this forum while lusting after his ladies
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Cheeto Man and Boobsie McGee
Cheeto Man has two things working against him in the Weekly.
1. Major potential gaybaggery. As mentioned many times, the Gaybag can be a douchebag, but by lacking a true threat to the hott, Gaybaggery is unthreatening, and thus forms a less potent HCwDB combo.
2. Secondary quality H.C. Sorry, Boobsie. You're cute, and have impressive attributes, but not on the level of the 'Stachebagger and Smoot's hotts.
Then why include this pic in the Weekly?
Because Cheeto Man has one overpowering element that makes him a worthy finalist. Orange. Pure Cheeto Orange.
And no, this is not photoshopped. Cheeto Man first appeared in a Friday Thoughts and Links, and made one more appearance here that creeped me out so much, I pulled it from its own entry and hid it a link.
Think about how epic this clash of HCwDB finalists is. I had to leave off such worthy HCwDB couplings as The Temple Mount, The Pouter Puff, The Chinchilla, Nostradouchemas, Tung and The Bleach Baller.
That's some serious hottness in presence of toad not to even make the Weekly. Yikes.
But these are your three. And only one coupling may triumph (fail).
Vote, as ever, in the comments thread.
Sunday, August 02, 2009
Fan Mail: "yall just a bunch a broke ass wannabes with a bus pass and a red ass"
f'real writes in:
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Somebody needs to run up in herre and kick all yalls asses maybe if yall get a job instead of type on pictures you could pay to go out and have fun instead of mock people who do but whatever it dont mean shit to me yall just a bunch a broke ass wannabes with a bus pass and a red ass you talk shit about another one of my boys tho i will find this website and roll up in it with some hard ass muthaf&ckers and axe handles and pull this shit down. you think you cant be found but when you do the shit talk will end then, son
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I resent that. My ass is more a shade of light pink than red.
Matt Stafford Pop Quiz
Matt Stafford is to Chuck Norris as:
A. Tight ends are to wide receivers
B. Mike Tyson is to Cicile Tyson
C. John Landis helicopter accidents are to pyrotechnic accidents on the set of Pepsi commercials
D. Ironic 1980s pop culture crutch references are to actually coming up with real humor when the DB1 is hungover and not feeling creative
E. Boobies are to ass pear
Saturday, August 01, 2009
Super 'Baggio Responds
Super 'Baggio responds in the Friday Haiku comments thread:
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yes its me, the guy in the pic. I just wanted to drop by and say hello and that I love the site! Even when i'm on it:) At least you guys provide some sense of intellect and education. Some of these comments actually made me laugh out loud! That is what differentiates this site from others. It is actually funny, and not a bunch of people leaving absolutely hateful comments about someones personal life, or family, etc....keep up the good work and keep the laughs coming! p.s. - i know longer have highlighted hair...im learning, slowly...but I am learning. you see, HCWDB can change lives:)
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Crap. Super 'Baggion seems decent. And with a spectacular hott. Now what do I do? Well at least this pic is douchey. Mocking is still allowed based on the visual evidence.
The Side Order of Freakshow
So I'm at the Coffee Bean this morning to order my daily iced Americano, when the counter guy asks me, "Would you like a heaping freakshow douchescrote mugging a Betty Page with tight butt with your order?"
Excuse me?, I responded.
"Would you like a heaping freakshow douchescrote mugging a Betty Page with tight butt with your order? We're running a special."
So I had to say yes.
Because can you really say no to a question like that?
