Eddie Murphy.
 

I think I found my manifesto!
 

Or his "Civilization and Its Douche Contents."
 

Or the "OediPud Complex."
 

Or "Totem and Tabooger."
 

We're men, we're men in tights.
We roam around the forest looking for fights.
We're men, we're men in tights.
We rob from the rich and give to the poor, that's right!
We may look like sissies, but watch what you say or else we'll put out your lights!
We're men, we're men in tights,
Always on guard defending the people's rights.

[Dance number, chorus line style]

We're men, MANLY men, we're men in tights. Yeah!
We roam around the forest looking for fights.
We're men, we're men in tights.
We rob from the rich and give to the poor, that's right!
We may look like pansies, but don't get us wrong or else we'll put out your lights.
We're men, we're men in tights (TIGHT tights),
Always on guard defending the people's rights.
When you're in a fix just call for the men in tights!
We're butch.
 

that 'Poem' is basically a ripoff from an Eddie Murphy routine...can remember if it was from Delirious or Raw....so not only is this guy a douchebag he is a lame plagiarist
 

Fuck society.
 

I would like to punch him in the face until I suffered permanent nerve damage from the repetitive motion.
 

We've had enough of the Stackhouse Genre for now.
 

Richard Dean Andersuck
 

Yes. Eddie Murphy. From "Raw", yes? Phffft. But this is the same kind of motherfucker who would have a fit about the price if she orders a steak, and/or would have a fit about her possible future weight if she got dessert.

The second bit is Chris Rock, if memory serves? Or is that Murphy again? I know the bit, I just don't remember the comedian.

Either way....this is some cracker-ass trying to act hood and running his mouth about some shit that doesn't even apply. I would like to remind all internet poets present and future of something: Just because time has passed, it doesn't mean that people won't remember the bit. 'Raw' came out 23 years ago (JEEBUS!), but access to this stuff is even easier than it used to be, thanks to Teh Interwebs, YouTube, illegal downloads, DVDs, etc.

...The coolest thing is this...If you do get called out and owned, it'll be all over Teh Interwebs.


It's already happening to you, asshole.
 

I love this guy's shirt, though I am surprised the manager at Montezuma's Fine Mexican Cuisine lets him keep it after firing him as a restroom attendant.
 

I do believe this chump could be The 'Bag Face.....
 

Speaking of salads, I think our boy just tossed his frat brother's salad in the men's room. He can't put his tongue back until the funk blows off.

French for Shower.
 

Who ever tied Blondie to the column in the background must have seen the headspinning fit coming.
 

Guys like this is the reason I wanna switch teams and marry Medusa.
 

Yes. Eddie Murphy. From "Raw", yes? Phffft. But this is the same kind of motherfucker who would have a fit about the price if she orders a steak, and/or would have a fit about her possible future weight if she got dessert.

The second bit is Chris Rock, if memory serves? Or is that Murphy again? I know the bit, I just don't remember the comedian.

Either way....this is some cracker-ass trying to act hood and running his mouth about some shit that doesn't even apply. I would like to remind all internet poets present and future of something: Just because time has passed, it doesn't mean that people won't remember the bit. 'Raw' came out 23 years ago (JEEBUS!), but access to this stuff is even easier than it used to be, thanks to Teh Interwebs, YouTube, illegal downloads, DVDs, etc.

...The coolest thing is this...If you do get called out and owned, it'll be all over Teh Interwebs.


It's already happening to you, asshole.



What? Why are you all looking at me like that?
 

At least Murphy used to be funny and Stackhouse had the decency to rip off Carlin. I'd have thought these guys were more likely to rip off Dane Cook.
 

plagiarism proof at 5:13 in
 

Thanks for speaking for our entire gender assmunch; without your deep insight about the qualities of manhood, I may have conitnued my life down a path of "pussyhood." Now I'll be able to refocus my attention on the finer points of conquering pussy.

Having a responsible, employed, and literate father, despite his assholic tendencies, really did matter. Thanks Pops. Something tells me that Elmer Pudd wasn't hugged very often.
 

Elmer Pudd pimps his latest work:

It's somethin' I been working on 4 a long time. Poured, like, my heart into it, ya know? It's about a guy who's a real f*cking bad ass. He's a f*cking commando ninja turtle assassin Jackie Chan Terminator Jack Bauer dude. He makes Superman look like a f*cking Super-pussy. And yeah, he gets major pussy. Here's the link. U can thank me later.
 

@SSS

He was hugged plenty. By a priest. In the rectory. From behind. Without his robes on.

But it was OK because he was a priest.
 

Damn Wheezer, you are uncanny.
 

Dear Elmer, you don't "conquer" pussy, you "crush" pussy. Geez, I'm surpised I have to explain this to you.

Don't give up on us Dicy, don't make the wrong seem right. The future isn't just one night. It's written in the moonlight and painted on the stars.
 

@Dr. Bunsen

Was it a tropical priest that tutsed his barreh?
 

@Wheezer,

Are you saying Elmer Pudd stole The 'Bag Face's like, entire body?

Jebus, there's nothing original at all about this douche.
 

I just checked out Dicy's blog. She's way too young to get my reference. Oh well.
 

@ Crucial 3:51

I think he flagoyaned his asbestos, a right of passage for any prepubescent altar boy.
 

@ Crucial

I think he may have been raped in the thigh too. Or was that eye? Shit if I remember.
 

@Seargent and Doc

That video is the gift that keeps on giving. If I were stranded on a desert Island and could only have three things, it would be:

1. That video clip

2. A shank of meat cleaved from Plinky's mom's thigh to sustain me until help came.

3. Miranda Kerr's bathroom mirror.
 

Elmer Pudd doesn't use cutlery, he justs laps up his grub with his distended tongue
 

& by grub I mean steaming piles of ourang poo
 

Wheezer

you are a savant
 

He only conquers pussy. Is that better than crushing it?

I can't decide. But since he's a line-stealing mahu,
I don't care.

At least the FSU grad was an original. An asshole, but an original.
 

F*ck this Stackhouse wannabe. He probably gets up in a pussy crusher's mirror time and orders water at the bar. Poser.
 

Hopefully he'll meet the Tossed Salad Man.
 

Dude, maybe she wants to eat a salad because she's hoping to sit on your face later, and she'd rather not load up on steak because then she'd worry about ripping a crisp, loud fart right on your head?

Jesus, man: THINK!
 

Yup, it's Eddie Murphy Raw.

How's it feel to have that seed making its way up to your ovaries, ladies? Mmmm-mmm! The human race continues in ecstasy!
 

Unoriginal plagiaristic douche. First is definitely taken from one of Eddie Murphy's stand-up shows. The second also sounds vaguely familiar, I think it may be Murphy again.
 

@Bob

...well I'd suck a fart out of her renal canal any day...

...except Thursdays, I could never get the hang of Thursdays.
 

...meanwhile, Lamp, in the form of an angry glowing pillar of salt, crept steadily forward behind them, its whirring mouth hungry for entrails...
 

The only thing more pathetic than Stackhouse, is a Stackhouse wannabe.

God, that routine wasn't funny when Eddie Murphy did it.
 

Wow, what the fuck? On some level, he does have a point. I just think he conveys said point terribly. Is it too much to ask for proper punctuation? Perhaps DB1 can post a link to Eats, Shoots and Leaves on his site for all DBs to see?
 

2010: The Year of Douche Poetry.
 

@Merle

Yeah, I didn't get the reference but I still thought it was sweet! Mostly because anything that references the stars gets me going. Care to explain, though I could just Google it when I'm feeling less lazy :)
 

This concept was already covered in a song by the Jim Morrisons of our age, The Vandals.
 

Looks like Dolph has an itchy finger, maybe he's got hemorroids?
 

Who's looking at either of them? That's a DAMN fine outdoor lantern mounted on that limestone block wall.

It has a sort of lightning bug appeal. Sure does.

His tongue is about to peel out of his mouth.
 

WHEEZER has that eye for remembering details.

At least this douchebag is consistent: he likes lots of intricate patterns on his shirt.

That, or his chesthairs have bene practicing choreographed ballet routines.
 

@ Merle Blaggard 3:49 PM

It's an Elmer thing. He "conquers" pussy because he sounds even stupider when he "cwushes" pussy.

I may be a scwewy wabbit, but I'm not going to Alcatwaz
 

I'd think DB1 would be a greater fan of Carl Jung than Sig Freud, since the site is somewhat about defining a neo-Jungian archetype for 'The Douchebag'. Personally I think douchebaggery represents an imbalance of the ratio of yellow bile and blood, and that some leeching, using cow-sized leeches, will bring harmony. Or, maybe Freud is right, and sometimes a douchebag is just a douchebag.
 

Ahem. I agree Veni, Vidi, Douchey: this is not plagiarism but a manifestation of the collective douchconscious.

For my last post I used Google to be sure that I had the Elmer Fudd quote right. For reasons completely unclear to me, my search led me to this video. It's just a girl and her turbine. Enjoy.
 

what's the douche equivalent of 3 chords and an attitude?

actually, i don't want to know.
 

one of these days Elmer may have to confront Stackhouse the same way that Creed confronted Pearl Jam. and oh man what a spectacle (read: eyesore) that will be.
 

HC&DB get mad props on some whuzzit webcom.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWF-7FHbq-M
 

Spiny: Boobies!
 

I am a man. A man who reads man poetry written by men. A man who wants to man punch the 'bag man's throat with his man fist.
 

Hehe.. salad tossing indeed.
 

Dude. Unspoken truths, man. Unspoken truths. You're blowing it for the rest of us.
 

How long before we have a poetry pud-off between Elmer and Suckhouse?
 

"All men f*ck other women We are low by nature and have to do it. We are men. All men do it, We have to do it. We are men. It is a man thing."

Who is he trying to convince, the reader or himself? Classic overcompensation, the man is gay. Gaygaygaygaygaygay. Gay. And by gay I mean gay. Which is nice, if he could just come to terms with it and stop pestering the world with his insecurity.
 

Hi Dicy,
it's just a dumb, cheesy old 70's song called "Dont give up on us baby" by David Soul, better know as Hutch, from the dumb, cheesy old 70's TV show called "Starsky and Hutch", which you probably don't know of either. It's actually a pretty song if you can stand easy listening music.
 

OK, it's the greatest song and video ever. Check it out

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YY8APrYU2Gs

I'll post it on your blog in case you don't see this.
 

Elmer, your sister does not look amused. Beware, she has those embarrassing pictures from that one time you guys played doctor and things got a little crazy. I would tone it down if I were you.
 

Q: are we not men?
A: no, we are douchevo
 

^ @ Anon 12:34

You better have been wearing your red flowerpot hat!
 

@ Spiny Norman 9:19

I'll see your turbine and raise you an angry Fuckbot 3000. Hot Chicks With Machines, indeed.

And no Google search needed there, it was in my bookmarks. I mean, Mr. Biscotti's bookmarks.
 

^ LOL Medusa. I fold. I've got nothing on Signore Biscotti's research abilities.

BTW, does stuff like that hurt?
 

I think if I ever even hinted that I know about this site to Mr. B., he might immediately dump me. Or marry me on the spot. You never know.

Honestly, I don't think it would. I'm gonna be real frank here. I hope you can handle it, and you're not eating. I do like to share unconventional wisdom.

The vaginal canal has very few sensitive nerve endings, and that's for good reason...when a frightened, nine-pound human being is being forcibly shoved down that tiny canal by raging muscle contractions, tearing tissues loose and ripping ragged holes as it goes, it's nice to not have too many pain receptors along the way.

The bad news is, gentlemen, that's why we can't come from you poking your little winkie up in there three or four times. We'd love to, but we're just not made that way. And again, all those girls who said, "Yeah, I came"? They lied. Sorry.

I'll spare you the whole thing about the clit, that's another topic. So, since you have this spongy, soft tissue that is not only amazingly flexible but is relatively impervious to pain, you can bang the shit out of it with a chainsaw-driven dildo and it's A-OK.

Bear in mind she's got to be into it. If a girl complains that you hurt her, that means she's not into it and/or you. Sorry again. Remember, a nine-pound kid can slide down that tunnel, your little dick isn't doing any damage. She's not getting excited (tissue getting all wet and puffy) enough to make it comfortable. Wrap your fingers in a paper towel and then stuff 'em in your mouth, that's about what it's like for us when we're not happy about it.

That being said, some crazy porno sluts would be way into something like fuck machines and they would have no problem with going at it for ages. There are even some squirters on there, so you know for sure a good time is being had by all.
 

his whole poem is a bite from Eddie Murphy.
 

his whole poem is a bite from Eddie Murphy.
 

@ Medusa 9:14

Your refreshing candor will have me laughing for hours.

Honestly, my last comment was only aiming for a little innuendo.

Also, did you know the whole poem is a bite from Eddie Murphy? A little bird told me.
 

I did indeed. I watched "Raw" until the VHS tape snapped in half.

And that's the problem I have....Dobn't ask, because I'll tell. And I'll tell more than you ever wanted to know. Kind of a character defect, I guess.