Self stroke-it to self peartrait.....
 

I love lämp.


Shit! I meant ass pear. I love ass pear.

God damn it.
 

**clicks on**



I Love Self Peartrait



**clicks off**
 

American. Apparel.

splooge
 

I eat bran flakes for breakfast to stay regular, motherfucka!
 

Self Peartrait with bonus Side Boob is tasty, but the next few shots whould feature frontal, no?

Where they be?

Meanwhile...

...fwap!
 

She's got a mullet!

That's perfect...
 

Make that rat tail!
 

I encourage Dicy to enter ass pear contest and let us guess which one is hers.
 

Re: Self Peartrait

Fwap Fwap

Fwap Fwap Fwap

Fwap Fwap Fwap Fwap

FwapFwapFwapFwapFwapFwapFwap
FwapFwapFwapFwapFwapFwapFwap

Fwap Fwap Fwap Fwap

Fwap Fwap Fwap

Fwap Fwap

{{ssppplluurrtt}}



**shiver**


FWAPCOPTRZ SUCESS!!!!11!!
 

Merit badges for adults?
 

Lämp simply MUST be the only and ultimate judge of AA's Worldwide Ass Pear contest.

Somebody get Fenny's email so we can get her to enter.
 

This Friday Thoughts and Links
was
ASSPEARpalooza!!
 

Who knew that you could go to American Apparel to fap? Good stuff. I think I'm going to take a picture of my hairy ass and submit it.
 

I LOVE me some Christina Hendricks, even moreso than today's Pear (and don't mistake my meaning: that's some quality pear there). But Ms. Hendricks is something extra special. Maybe it's the pretty face, maybe it's the hott redhead thing. Maybe it's her AMAZING guns. Whatever it is: sha-WING!
 

re: picture at top. Little Red Dress Hottie looks like she could peel a boner with her tongue.

Blondie on the left would watch.

I would go off like an oil gusher.

The Four Choads can go off to the wood chipper.
 

DB1, do you have a Google News alert for "Douchebag" or something? I can't think of any other way you would have come across the foursquare thing.
 

SO MUCH ASSPEAR!!!!



i just came. :-/
 

foursquare is the douchiest thing ever, the douchebag badge should be awarded at sign-up....

seriously though, i checked out the power of this type of social networking by checking on my sleepy little village, to see who was the badge lebowski of it, turns out they get to be mayor of several fast food restaurants, toy stores and drug stores, that isn't really living a high-hipster dream if you ask me...

but average guy rules!
 

Christina Hendricks...she's married.

And not to me! Waaaaaaaaaaaaah!
 

Since the tank top choads mug for the camera, Kenickee, in the aviator glasses, tells the 80's gay version of the T-Birds to "be cool, man. be cool."
 

Yay! I loved the scale of the Universe link. In my Cosmology class we think of everything in Megaparsecs so it took me a min to realize what the heck a Ym was..

And if you are really interested go check out my blogger page because I found this really cool pic the other day and posted it there just now. I don't know how to underline my words tho, sorry!
 

Wait, wait - isn't the yellowtop douche the word famous Quizzical Hemorrhoid????
 

Walg.

I hope Ms. Hendricks likes 'em undersized and uncircumcised. If she does, then I've got a chance!
 

The Quizzical Hemorrhoid and his brother are the Douche Brothers Grimm (or Grimmbags, if you will)...Wow too bad their mother wasn't sterilized when she was a pubescent teen.

The QH has the physique of a female aerobics instructor who has been ravaged by anorexia,bulimia and anal sex (taking).
 

@Dicy

Nice!
 

@El Caganer

I do what I can.
 

@ Dicy

Who's butt is that?
 

I'm hoping it's hers.
 

I love pink geeks too.
 

^^^

Wouldn't that ruin the mystery if I told you it's mine? (read: it's mine)
 

best links yet.
thank you X 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 yoctometers
 

Aw man you picked the wrong Latka clip. It was supposed to be about the "lifestyle" term!
 

Dicy,

I hate to ruin it for you, but the "Book of Eli" is the worst movie that I have ever seen. Ever.

Instead, just make your date burn his twenty dollar bill in the parking lot while you sip on some cheap champagne. I gaurantee that you'll have a better time.

Or just see a different movie.

To each their own.
 

@SSS

Nooo it's bad!?! That's upsetting. We were thinking of going downtown anyways so thanks for the heads up!
 

The movie may be bad (I'll take Sarge's word for it), but the DicePear is excellent.

And "Manny" is a cute puppy! : D
 

Oh, and did I mention, the AA Bottom Contest is the BEST USE OF THE INTERNET EVER!?!?!?!

Holy crap.
 

Yes, Manny is my fav. I call him Manifold for extra nerdiness :)
 

That's an awfully far-out reference to early Genesis there, boss. Personally I wasn't impressed--I thought the music was a little too far out there.

I'm awfully impressed with the "submit a picture of your ass" contest, though. Whee doggy! Them's some sweet young asses. I got me some *fwapping* material to last me three, maybe four days now. I mean, American Apparel factors big into the "bleeth" market, but I gotta thank them for trowin' us a boner here. Uh.. bone. Throwin' us a bone.
 

ABANDON SHIP!!

Some rogue hairy faggot has highjacked the contest and ruined it for everyone... I am haunted by the image of a man's butt in a thong, covered in black Armenian hair.

*pukes everywhere*
 

I for one appreciated the Genesis reference VERY much. It's one of my favourite Genesis records, period.

I even saw the Lamb Lies Down tour, IN NEW YORK CITY in 1975. One of the (many) epic moments of my life.

@Dicy:

That's a fine butt there. Nice. Very Nice...

Here's your first lesson in HTML - it will be to show you how to make a link to something.

Because some characters read as commands in this interface Certain key combination will be written out, specifically the greater than and lesser than angled brackets.

Lesser than = SHIFT-COMMA
Greater than = SHIFT-PERIOD

So, to make a link to your blog, you would type:

SHIFT-COMMA
a href="http://dicy2007.blogspot.com/"
SHIFT-PERIOD
Dicy's Pink Butt Blog
SHIFT-COMMA
/a
SHIFT-PERIOD

If you do that it will look and act like this:

Dicy's Pink Butt Blog

If you want to make words bold just do this:

SHIFT-COMMA
b
SHIFT-PERIOD
The words you want to make bold
SHIFT-COMMA
/b
SHIFT-PERIOD

and it will look like this:

The words you want to make bold

For italics, use the letter i instead of b.

I hope that helps.
 

@ Troy

Thanks!!! I was always wondering how you guys did that. You are AWESOME!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go see somethingdicysassin the other room.
 

@Troy

Thanks! I knew about the bold and italics commands but not the underline, I appreciate it.

I should probably learn fancy computer things considering I'm in a computational phys class but whatever! I'll figure it out as I go.

Hey, this is my first drunk post. Woohoo Corona!
 

Thanks for the pic Dicy. I may as well reciprocate with a picture of my ass pear.

Enjoy.
 

This pic, BTW, is horrifying. I notice the photo that accompanies FTAL tends to get lost in the shuffle, so I wanna take a moment and acknowledge these hard-working 'bags and 'baguettes.

*HUUUUUUUUUUURL*

There. Don't say I never did nothin' for you. Now, shouldn't you just all be joining together to form a giant cartoon robot about now or something?

RE: King Scrotecles: Dig, boy, dig. I don't even have to see the show to know how that one worked out. I made it to 0:46 on that video. WTF, making this video in his class? Did he do a Powerpoint presentation on his douchiness, too?

RE: Ed Hardy: Betcha didn't know Audigier was the devil when you made that deal, huh? The beauty of it is...I can't tell the difference between the thousand-dollar blingy Swarovski phone case, and the regular fifty dollar one. And neither can anyone else. FAIL.

WTSHTF, as we doomers like to call it, suppose anyone will try to eat their Ed Hardy blingy phone case and pretend it's an ear of corn? I hope so. And I hope I'm there, so I can laugh until I cry salty fuccen tears.

Christina Hendricks: I want to wear you like a pair of opera gloves. That is all.

Foursquare: No, really. What is it? Help me out here. It's a game?

American Apparel: Worn by douchebags and hipstertards. But I applaud their helpful revival of the creepy, au-naturel Polaroid brand of sexploitation. Like Larry Flynt before him, Dov Charney knows what he likes and isn't afraid to sell it to us because he has the right to do so. I gotta respect a guy like that, God Bless America!

RE: Self-Peartrait...yeah, really...what's up with her hair? I know, I know...but I just had it off on Red Tube about ten minutes before I got here, so now I'm noticing these things.
 

Oops! Sorry, wrong picture. Here ya' go.
 

Don't say I never did anything for ya.
 

@Medusa and Dicy:

No problem. Glad to help.

IIRC Darksock is in DC. From what I'm reading they're expecting about 85cm of snow tonight and tomorrow.

I used to live in DC.

They don't do snow very well.

I remember back in 1981, it snowed almost 3 feet on Presidents Day weekend. The subway closed because there was too much snow on the tracks. The gov't closed because the subway shut down. Then the subway wouldn't come back up, because gov't workers were told to stay home and the subway workers were gov't workers, so they stayed home, which meant the gov't stayed closed because the subway was closed... A metropolitan clusterfuck that went on for like 3 days.

Gads I hated DC... What a dreadful place to live.

And Darksock - you are in one of the more sucktastic parts of the city. Union Station area is a fucking ZERO. The only thing to do in your position is drink. Heavily.
 

@JD

Now that's hot! You just did somn for me ;)
 

Self Peartrait and Christina Hendricks... you're spoiling us DB1, you really are.
 

^Thanks! You think that's hot, here I am performing in the talent portion of the Mr. Southern Grant County Oregon beauty pageant.

I was the runner up.
 

^^^

Clearly you should have been the winner.
 

Jacques:

The shock-link gag was done months and months ago by BCS.

And better, might I add.

Next.
 

Yawwwn:

What about the suck-my-perineum gag? I could try, but my guess is that you're the authority on that one.

And probably a lot better than I.
 

@troy

some of life's most epic adventures have been had when one's options were reduced to drinking or drinking in public. the human spirit is capable of great expressions when otherwise confined or restrained.


which is why i always give paint and canvasses to the chicks i chain to my radiators.
 

Hey, that World Ass Pear Search looks familiar.

Either Jonezy posted it yesterday, or I'm having those brown acid flashbacks again.
 

Jacques:

I could have lived my whole life without seeing that second pic. Thanks, buddy.
 

@Dicy

Boldly going where few baghunters have gone before. I may never get to sleep tonight.

@Yawwwn

Shock gags are so passe.

But they are fun.

Me.


You.
 

The REAL PARTY is all about Miami's Superbowl this weekend.
 

...and for my third post I'm just gonna go do nasty shit to mrs EbLT. That self portrait is just the right this.
 

...and for my third post I'm just gonna go do nasty shit to mrs EbLT. That self portrait is just the right this.
 

^gonna be so good I posted a fucked up post 2x

**this self portrait is just the right THING**.
 

Is anyone here still talking about Dicy's ass?
 

...and for my fourth post I just put a small box of Nerds in mrs EbLT's ass.

Grape.
 

@ Dicy

Oh that's you? I sort of wish I was a geek instead of a total fucking stud, then.
 

@ Dicy

You sort of look like a Sinn Féin operative in your half-marathon picture though...
 

ISRGOWH dude brought me back to my days in college, in my Operational Management class. Oh, wait. Fuck. I was an English major. I've never used PowerPoint in my fucking life so fuck all you shills!
 

Apparently I confuse "Sinn Féin" with "KGB" sometimes.
 

I'm sorry, Dicy. In pictures when it is apparent that you have hair you are very cute.
 

But what's up with the Jesus bling?
 

@ Troy

Way ahead of you skipper

I leveraged a complaint card into a free bottle of pinot noir. it's not bourbon but it's fwee.

40 minutes without seeing my waiter for the second time? Eat it, Grand Hyatt.

But thanks for the booze.

We're cool now.

Troy's right about D.C. Fer fucks sake, it snows once every 10 years in Biloxi but we don't cut our dicks off and flush them like these fools do.

I saw "Crazy Heart" with my favorite actor Jeff Bridges this afternoon. I don't cotton to country but dammit this should be the year he gets his Oscar. and I don't mean Mayer Weiner so stop 'bating Yawwwn.
 

They actually closed the E street cinema here early because of the snow. if you want to hear a fey guy leave a panicked voice recording call the E Street Cinema in DC and listen.
 

Dicey:

That butt looks....kinda...dry....

NO! BAD SOCK! BAAAD SOCK!


carry on. sorry.

With the exception of Medusa and White, we hunters must not pee on, in or around one another.
 

I'ma bout to pee in some snow; snowbound police = public urination is now legal.
 

It's not so bad here; at least the power's still o
 

@Dicy,

Congrats on the half marathon. So few people will experience what you just did. And to run it with your father, hopefully one of your best memories.

And your "friend" is a douchebag for pulling the righteous career card. F*ck him and his misguided morals. I've known several doctors personally who were total dicks and mine laborers who'd give you their last dollar if you needed it. It's not what you do that matters; it's who you are. A little trite I know, but I'm watching the director's cut of Bladerunner so I'm allowed.

This coming from an HR Manager, a leech job if ever there was. I'd like to say I help people, but I can't since I mostly hate people. But on occasion I do try. Your "friend", I hope he does go on to cure cancer. That would be nice. He'd still be a douche, but at least he could roll around in his millions thinking he was a better person than everyone else.

Your dog is cute.

But not nearly as cute as your ass.
 

@DarkSock,

You must have done something pretty bad to be stranded in DC. Hell on earth. Maybe the Hell.

Don't stop drinking. Stay away from the lobbyists. And don't go in the bathrooms.

Public urination's been an artform since Marion Barry was running the place.
 

@ Darksock

"With the exception of Medusa and White, we hunters must not pee on, in or around one another."

Spread 'em wide, big boy. Two giant cups of black chai tea and a bottled water, I'm gonna fill your butt like the Amazon feeds the---




What?
 

I remember when Papa Oblongata got stranded in DC in the blizzard of '81. What a fiasco, Clusterfuck, as Troy said, was probably more like it. Jeez, that says a lot about America...We can blow up entire nations with two guys in two ariplanes, but its Capital is completely paralyzed by precipitation. Meanwhile, Chicago, Buffalo, Minneapolis, Montpelier, Green Bay, Indianapolis, Anchorage, Detroit and Pittsburgh laugh their asses off, toss another log on the fire and crack open another Hamm's.

Sorry about your luck, Darksock. Hope your hotel has free porn.
 

^That year in DC, Mayor Berry (remember him?) said that God brought the snow and He could clean it up. [Insert cocaine joke here.]

@ DarkSock - Enjoy your visit. Just don't sign your name in the snow; CSI-DC will read your name and figure out who did it.

@ Medusa - Of course Dark Sock has free porn. He has the interwebs.

In the meantime, we have 1/2" (of snow) here on the banks of the Mississippi and the local news is in "Storm Mode" and has the region in a state of emergency.
 

This post has been removed by the author.
 

I just stumbled outside for a breath of fresh air after a few glasses of Mescal. Lo and behold I was hit with some condensation that leaked from a heavy cloud hovering in the heavens above.

Fearing for my life, I scrambled back inside, padlocked the doors, and ordered my wife, daughter, and son to donn their water wings and prepare for the worst.

Then we waited.


And we're still waiting for this mysterious event to pass.

Thankfully, I have SelfPeartrait on my phone to keep me entertained in the restroom whilst we await our fait.

One thing I have always wondered: what is this beastly thing that some you refer to as "snow"...
 

This post has been removed by the author.
 

Whatever it is, Crucial; three inches of it shut down London last year, but Russians seem unaffected by deluges of it. It's ice cold, tastes exactly like water, and is difficult to drive a vehicle on from what I've heard. Mexicans have never had it, yet Canadians seem to thrive on it.

Maybe it's just another name for Labatt.
 

The view from a couple of blocks east of the Grand Hyatt. If you look closely, a lonely, despondent figure, wanders the streets of DC's Chinatown, looking for a place called Lee Ho Phuc's (gonna get a big dish of beef chow mein), or at least some porn. 7th St @ H St
 

Holy moly mother of FLYTEETH!....there's so much ass pear this Friday that I can barely hear myself type over all the fwapping...
 

today shall go down in HCwDB history as the most asspearific Friday.
 

all these Sims-style BS are to gaming what Colt Curtis is to bag hunting.

making this comparison makes my head hurt.
 

^ the above comparison might make my head hurt, but the King Scrotecles video gives me seizures.
 

God, the whole right side of that photo is the douche equivalent of Children of the Corn.
 

head...hurts....
 

So, DarkSock - if things are as utterly fucked in DC as I remember them from the 9 long miserable years I spent there, you're probably not getting out of that hell hole until Monday.

The subway system was devised by the gov't for its workers who are, by and large, white and live in the suburbs. It was NOT devised for the people of DC who are, by and large, not white and who (obviously) do not live in the suburbs.

As a consequence there are very few "interesting" neighbourhoods you can get to by public transport, and that is assuming the public transport hasn't been shut down a la disaster of 1981.

One good one is Dupont Circle - it has a subway stop. I used to live near there at 17th and S.

My favourite neighbourhood was Adams-Morgan. I lived there for years... But it's nowhere near a subway. And given they probably won't plow anything for at least a day (it IS the weekend, after all - what kind of cruel heartless boss are you?) my guess is you're going to be stuck in the Union Station area until you can get to the airport and get the fuck out of there.

I hated DC. The nastiest, most racially divided (literally - 16th street - west of it: white, east of it: black. It may have changed since I left in 1991, but it was extremely segregated when I was there, and I always found that utterly appalling), wildly incompetent, psychotically murderous and crime ridden, brutally in-your-face belly of the Beast cities I've ever had to live in.

You have my sympathy. I hope you get out in time to be home for the Superbowl. Watching it on a plane or on a TV at the baggage claim would suck... a lot.
 

Quiz Roid fucked himself by smiling. Up until now, he was contending for the 2010 E-Blo Thousand Yard Stare crown. Too bad, the kid showed some potential.

Who knew that something as simple as a naked gay cameraman could get the guy to wipe that assinine pout off his face.
 

Ass Bandit.
 

Well, Troy, you know your hellholes. They cancelled my Sunday flight, which had been pushed back from Friday.

van damme.

So now the question is: How long will I be able to hold out before ordering the $85 bottle of Jack Daniels from Room Service?

Not long; not long.

Could go with the 12 year old Macallan for $120...
 

"Look Mommy, what kind of snow angel is that?"

"That's a whiskey vomit starfish, Sweetie. Step around it, and don't touch the architect sleeping in the middle of it".
 

Nice to hear you are still alive, Mr. Sock. They are referring to your current storm in the media as "Snowmageddon".

Enjoy!
 

I like the everday normal guy... if he put his hat on straight i'd probably buy him a beer
 

Samurai Scrote uses baby seals as pez dispensers. Of kitten sausage.
 

Samurai Scrote brushes his teeth with a sack of ice picks
 

Samurai Scrote dug up John Candy and made a sandwich out of him.
 

If I'm stuck here I reckon I'll go ahead and push the SS thread on up to 20,000.
 

I know your pain Darksock, there's a slight rain, maybe even a heavy drizzle, here in San Diego and it's annoying as hell.

I mean, rain, San Diego? That just doesn't make sense.

I'll be attending my cousin's wedding this afternoon and I'm giddy with excitement. The free booze and liquored-up females will be nice, but my cousin, a complete princess is destined for a mental breakdown with this rain. It will be an asshole's spectating dream. God I can't wait for the tantrum.

Bottoms up baghunters!
 

@ Troy & DarkSock

spent about 8 weeks in DC about 2 years ago, & although I had swanky digs (Ritz Carlton on 22nd & L) I found the town tremendously walkable & wandered around piss drunk unmolested (is that a good thing?) nightly... felt safe. with proximity to Georgetown & Dupont circle many fine decent to exceptional Irish pubs & steak houses... & a fine strip joint on M st. worked nearly everyday so I didn't see many sights, but the Roosevelt monument is something to behold after dark. although still a tad racially divided, the lines are blurring. get a half smoke at Bens Chilibowl on U st. (open til 3 am) sure cure to a queasy drunken tummy... great liquor store on N st. between 22nd & Rhode Island. there may still be puddles of my frozen vomit around the canal above the Potomac.. stay away from those!
 

@ Darksock--

When an architect passes out in the snow and a puddle of his own piss and vomit, do other architects sense it, show up and point at him?
 

Bravo on not opening pages in new windows or tabs!
 

I'm only trying to help keep Darksock amused.


That, and I'm trying to procrastinate on scrubbing out a rodent cage and doing laundry.
 

@ Medusa

so that's what you call it.... the 'rodent cage'?
 

@ DarkSock

do watch out for randy punks like these that traveled up to NYC for an snl show
 

uhm... ya gotta check the whole page^
 

Darksock-

DON'T splurge on the expensive likker at the hotel. there's a really good liquor store 3 blocks away.

It's called Schneider's Liquors. They have a stupendous collection of wine, but I'd bet dollars for donuts they have Maker's and similar brands of likker.

I have NEVER known a snow storm to stop a likkaaaa store from opening. Fuck - think about - what else is there to do in a snow storm? It's like printing money.

So put on your boots and go to 300 Massachussets ave NE. IIRC you're at 65 Mass Ave NE. So just go along Mass Ave NE, AWAY from Union Station. If you're at 65 Mass Ave NW, then walk TOWARD and PAST Union Station. IIRC, it's right where 3rd NE, D st NE, and Mass Ave NE all cross.

The last time I was in DC I bought some wine there. And had food at a Mexican Place just past it. It was OK. Nothing super great.

If you want to see the foot ball game, my guess is that one of the local watering holes will have it on screen. I would think the hotel would, but fuck hotels. The only bar I could ever tolerate there was (Kelly's? Pat's? Something like that) Irish Times Pub. I remember te sign in front: "Bring me your tired, your poor, your thisty masses..." If it's still there, it should be on F St NW, just west of North Capitol. I'd call them to see if they're showing the game - trudging through the snow for nowt would "suck".

Otherwise, I don't know of anything on that end of Capitol hill that's worth a fart. All my friends in DC live out in the burbs now (Aqua's out in Takoma Park, for example), and none of them are into football.

Good luck - let us know how it is going for you. From here, it looks like a complete disaster down there. Obama called it "Snowmageddon".
 

I like snow.
 

@DarkSock: It's on the other side of town, but if you can get to "Old Glory" in Georgetown, it's pretty good bbq (if they're still open).

I second the Adams-Morgan rec. Head for the bar called, "Madam's Organ". -No, I'm not kidding.
 

Fuck.

I'm exhausted. Was up all night.

Never, ever, do that again.
 

@DarkSock

Could be worse. You could have taken you boat.
 

Sorry. I mean't your boat.
 

I'm on 1000 H Street Northwest at the Grand Hyatt. The Metro's running its snow route so I could get from Metro Center to Union. But...All's I brought were my dress shoes and some Rockports but for liquor I could tie a couple of gift shop bags around my feet...if'n its more than three blocks though I ain't walkin' nowhere. Hell, I just bought two tweeter diaphragms for my Heil ESS tweeters that were $85 apiece; I reckon I can afford another $85 for Jack D. The snow here is retarded.

There's a sports bar in the hotel with a shitload of screens; food sucks but there'll be my fellow architects there and hopefully booze; however architects tend to drain the stocks quickly. I went into the atrium at 3 am this morning and the lobby had 200 architects gettin' they drank on. I reckon I could get there early and stake a seat...
 

^ 3pm is early to start drinkin'?

Hmmm, I may have a problem.
 

I farted in a zip lock bag.
 

I always wanted to pretend I was an architect.
 

^ If I was going to pretend to be something it would be an astronaut, Ass Belch.
 

The American Apparel global ass campaign is, on its surface, honorable, but the horrible reality is that those asses are outsourced badunkadunks from sweat shops in Bangladesh and the Mariana Islands. Those poor women are working their asses off (or on) for slave wages.
What a cruel world we live in when a man can't fwap his own American grown porchbeef to computer images of true homegrown American lady lumps.
Sad, so sad...
S
 

^ I guess I should have said "ass sweat shops". My bad and apologies to all.
Back to your regularly scheduled fwapping.
S
 

@Darksock

Just a George Costanza quote.
I wanted to pretend to be an architect. You need to get your drink on.
 

Chapter One

Erica

The island was a paradise.
This was the first thought that came to her as she stepped from the mainland ferry onto the creaking wood pier that could have been thousands of years old from the decrepit, yet somehow stately look of it. It was a pier to mark end or beginning to legendary voyages that are always too fantastic to believe. It was a pier where old men and children fish with strings on bright afternoons.

She hailed a leather-skinned old man in a battered taxi.
She heard the ferry bell ring twice, then a third time. A gray gull came gliding with perfectly still wings directly toward her, but at an angle that permitted her to see only one of its eyes and that one eye looked like a stone that had been set into its head; the gull, its head cocked slightly, pulled up with a swift grace only a few feet from her and flew on indifferently past her, past the ferry, out to sea.

She had to call the old man four times before he heard her.
Then he smiled, nodded, started the loud engine of his taxi and drove the less than ten yards between where she had been standing and where he had been parked.

“I want to go to Samurai Scrote”, she said.

The old man grinned now as if he were vastly amused, but he did not move. He merely looked out of the open window at her with pleased yellow eyes that were wrapped in wrinkles.

“I have some luggage", she said.

He shrugged and nodded and after a few moments during which he seemed to be almost asleep with the grin on his lips, he stepped from the taxi, loaded her four bags onto the rack on top, tied them with rough jute and a moment later they were on their rattling way over the dirt road that led around the harbor and headed off towards the distant hills.

From the taxi, Erica could see much of the town, built as it was in a crowded jumble of houses that seemed to have been piled one on top of the other.

Houses along the curving harbor front were built up into slim, elegant tiers. There was a fountain whose three round basins held rain water and the droppings of gulls and pigeons that rested all day on its rims. Gray pushcarts and women in black and boys screaming in short pants and girls fondling the distant sighs of patched sails with their dark eyes - all these were a feast of pink, black, yellow, red, green and umber along the narrow alleys and colonnades running between the houses. Bony cypresses behind the facade of the harbor, held in their shadows broken towers and part of a wall grown heavy with weeds and a thousand skins of decay.

The old man drove as if he thought the taxi was competing at Rome's ancient games. It bounced over high bumps and at each one he laughed proudly and slapped the wheel with one hand or the other. The machine was a live animal to him. Erica heard him muttering from time to time and what little she could make out, he was saying to the taxi, not to her.

But the windows on both sides caught views of such open splendor, they took her breath away. Swallows and martins dipped and swerved over the empty fields. Yellow sickle-shaped eucalyptus leaves held the sun as if it had been caught in the palm of a hundred golden hands.

She moved to the center of the seat to escape the sun just as the old man struck a gigantic bump that nearly made him cry from laughing so hard at his success of getting over it.

Small fish flickered through the green shadows.
 

Chapter Two

Samurai Scrote

I sat naked and gleaming on a great rock. My body wore the sunlight as a suit of armor. The sun burned brightly on my face, as if it had been caught in an urn of brass. I sat there with a hand full of cherries and watched Erica’s taxi wend its way up the mountainside to the Samurai Scrote Palatial Manor, caressed by the backdrop of the sea.

Escaping the shroud of the taxi, Erica sucked in a deep breath, clamped her lips shut and somersaulted herself over the taxi's hood, her bare ass catching an instant of the sun as she slid toward my awaiting manhood.

She came to me . . .

“It's safe here; I am Samurai Scrote” I whispered, my eyes racing toward the rigid outline of her erect nipples.

“What is?" she asked, her heart beginning to pound as she reached and grasped my throbbing penis firmly. Erica caught her breath and stared down at it. It was round and stiff and long and a lovely shade of rare, pastel coral. “My goodness! . . . What’s its name. . . “

“Rod.” Grinning impudence. Lip-licking assurance of my voluptuous boy-powers to stun and disarm. “Do you like it? . . . Describe it . . . love it out loud. . . I wanna hear you say it. . . !"

“Yes. . ." Her eyes reflective and caught. . . entranced
by this flaring prong of flesh I had for her caress. “Yes, it should be talked about,” she said, “for there's never enough publicity about them when they look like that. If only more men had the courage to unveil the really special adornments such as yours, our failure to communicate and choose a proper mate would be greatly minimized .”

“. . . Yeah . . .yeah . . . tell me more!"

“. . . It’s so enormous . . . and nicely turned-out with such a valiant, lusty sweep to It . . . and . . . it's so young-looking, as if it had :just been born this very instant . . .”

“Man! . . . that's the best character sketch anyone ever did of it . . . and they all flip over It right away, which is why I like to show it to 'em real fast in case maybe they might faint. My big fat baby here has tamed the most difficult to satiate. On that I guarantee!” I boasted, watching her grow wet between her legs. Shining pubescence.

I laid her down in the gravel. . .

Mounting her tense body, I enticed her further. “For every suck I give this baby, you match it with one down there on my baby. . .”
 

Shit, we're losing him. Get some salt and blow driers, we've got to get him outta there!
 

Cheese & Rice, Socky!!!
You're like the love child of Kathleen Woodiwiss's "The Flame and the Flower" (1972) & G.G. Marquez's "One Hundred Year's of Solitude" (1970) with some vintage spunk from Penthouse Forum (1984) thrown in for good measure.

Salinger has inhabited your body (or socks).
S
 

I'll show my solidarity by starting in on the Crown Royal now, and watching reruns of the Daily Show.

Okay, so that's how I spend every Saturday, but this time it's to support our good friend in distress. This third jigger's dedicated to you, brother.

*gulp* Aaaaaaaahhhh.
 

I pooped in a snow drift.
 

i killed a frozen hobo
 

@ Creatch 11:03
Ha ha ha....no, I mean a bona fide rodent cage. Long story, but I have come into possession of two gerbils. Can it with the wise crack, you pervs. They are pets and I adore them and they're good company for my odd, hermit existence. They don't go up anybody's ass. It's hard to say now, though, when Mr. White has the cardboard tube up his butt and makes those puppy-dog eyes at me. But I stand firm. Playing WITH animals is a no-no. Playing AT animals, however, is fine


RE: Darksock: Damn, between him and Scrotato, why aren't there literary awards being given in here? Smut is art, too ya know!
 

I once took a dump on the hood of a beer delivery truck parked outside of Hussong's Cantina in Ensenada.

True story.
 

I once took a dump on an empty pizza box and was instantly made king of Florida State University.
 

I once buried myself in a snow drift once, with only my pecker visible. as it turned blue, a raven pecked at it. a crescent of blood dripped below the knob... it looked like a smiling smurf
 

I pooped in a toilet and then I flushed it.
 

The fecal festivities continue.
 

I once took a dump in a truck, which I thus christened the "Dump Truck". And so it began. This was in 1924, and the name has stuck to this day. Tru dat.
S
 

I pooped in a Pringles can.
 

@DarkSock

Trust you to make the best of a bad situation. Me, I'd be masturbating to hotel porn until my cockk fell off.

Chapter Three please. Mrs. Scrotato Head has generously volunteered her most prized Victoria Secret lotion...
 

@ Darksock:

surrounded by dozens of your guild? You are in good hands.

Drink up, be merry and have fun tomorrow.
 

Self-peartrait obviously has the trait of doing things bass-ackwards and in mirror-image, AKA echolalia.
 

Samurai Scrote once noted how difficult it was to make a wisecrack about a blond with a camera and a mirror taking a photo of a bikini up her crack.

That is, untill he saw her asspear. Then he noted how difficult it was to aspirate when choking on a wisecrack about a blond with a camera and a mirror taking a photo of a bikini up her crack...

That is, untill he noticed how far up shit crick, er crack, her bikini was.

At that point, all he could do was shutter, er, shudder...

And at that point, the mirror cracked, the lens cracked, and all the crack in the world came flying out his own ass-pear.

And all the narcs in the world are hot on his tail, er, trail.

He was last seen hiding in a "Where's Waldo" site, somewhere between a rock and a hardplace, AKA a "crack...."

...Where he has taken up residence as the Sensei Master Butt of All Jokes.
 

So here's something I found out about at the AIA conference: Pecha Kucha nights. Pecha Kucha Night was started in Tokyo in February 2003 by a couple of British architects as an event for young designers to meet, network, and show their work in public. You get to show 20 slides, each slide is up for 20 seconds; you don't control the slides, so your narrative lasts 6 minutes, 40 seconds. Then the next person's up. Graphic designers, architects, musicians, anybody that wants to participate. They usually take place in bars, and there are "beer breaks" built in.

For example, Medusa, at the Chicago PechaKucha night YOU could put together some slides of your art, or the playroom, or whatever, and you'd have 6 minutes of fame in front of some really cool people, then you'd see their stuff. In Chicago (where our presenter at AIA was from) they meet at a cool looking place called Martyr's on Tuesday nights.

Find a PechaKucha city near you and meet some wacked out architects and designers and chug some beer.

Check it out, Croosh!
 

You could take Friday's ass pear menagerie and your Pecha Kucha slide show is DONE. 6 minutes 40 seconds of frothy fwappicino.
 

@DarkSock,

I’ll have to check it out some time. A guy I worked with up until late last Fall mentioned this gig a few times. Having known me for some time, he warned me against it though. He actually told me about this site. He hath also witnessed me lacquered up enough times to know that alkeehäll and networking don’t necessarily mix well with The Croosh. Crooshing pussy? You bet. But I don’t tend to fit in well with the majority of the cocktail huffing stooges I meet at these AIA blow-downs. The minute some stuffy weasel with standard issue square-framed glasses and soul patch starts bellowing about his urban this and his renewable that whilst his blubbering lips sookle another watered down-appletini into his semen-filled belly – my mind automatically checks into that warm place where Ass Pear reigns and Scottish Donkey Logs carry out her personal business.

I have issues.

I have met a few cool cats though, so I may have to give it a shot once we get our wheels back under us. We’ve gone fairly unscathed in this rotten economy until a few months back when we had a few stellar projects put on hold. These last few weeks have been hectic. Been scramblin’ like a severed penis worm-dancing its way around the rim of the Spearmint Rhino stage in search of awarded contracts. Got some good stuff last week. Hoping for more this week. Hope your endeavors amongst the uncircumcised in the District are fruitful.

May Lämp have mercy on our souls.

And brother, your work in the Samurai Scrote thread did not go unnoticed.

“Amish Womanplant and Bullet Teeth LaVolta…” Are you kidding me??

CHUKLCOPTRZ!!!!!@#1!
 

The more I look at these douches the more I want to vomit in my outdoor swimming pool which I just cleaned.
 

For those who enjoy Anne Hathaway.....
 

so, i finally watched Downfall last night and had one crappy nights sleep because of it.

amazing film - the source of all the Hitler rolls on youtube.

Brutal and depressing? That too...

Instructive and illuminating? That too...
 

Awwwww, look: Shithouse and Quiz Roid have found each other.

I should've known Beanlick was a tramp.....
 

DB1, you lazy bastage. Its Sunday, and the latest update is from Friday.

I hope you're in Miami, waking up hung over and discovering three naked strippers in your hotel bed.

You get a kitchen pass if that is your excuse. Otherwise, your punishment is spending next Friday night cooking chicken with our favorite FSU grad.

And I don't mean Burt Reynolds.
 

@ Crucial 11:33

"...The minute some stuffy weasel with standard issue square-framed glasses and soul patch starts bellowing about his urban this and his renewable that whilst his blubbering lips sookle another watered down-appletini into his semen-filled belly...

Yeah, I guess I got all revved up at the seminar here, which was run by some pretty cool dudes who handed out German beer during the session. You're probably right; these would also attract that most tiresome sub-species of Hipsterbag: The Greenie-Weenie Archidouche with the Ugoff glasses.

Dammit Crucial why must you tear down everything good in my life?
 

@ Darksock 8:15

It's open to non-architects? Those poor bastards will never know what hit 'em.

@ Wheezer 2:37
Great. Now I'm not going to get anything done today.