Damnit, damnit, damnit! This whole "it was a Jersey Shore party" thing is getting out of hand.

Well, here's this instead. I love The Onion.
 

I was going to write something funny, but I clicked Jacques' link and laughed so hard I forgot it.

So go do that. Clicky clicky.
 

The "It was a Jersey Shore party" is the perfect excuse for everything.

Your wife caught you cheating? It was a Jersey Shore party.

Miss Skanky McSkankass gave you herpes? It was a Jersey Shore party.

Your pic shows up in HCwDB? It was a Jersey Shore party.



Best excuse ever.
 

Muriel’s furious caressing uponst the shaft of Gulliver’s well-tanned groin-worm brought forth the crowd-pleasing sandle-ejaculation.
 

Although the tragic firecracker explosion held dire consequences for Wallace’s right forearm; the subsequent hand to elbow reattachment surgery was a smashing success.
 

Dammit, that guy really did look like a young Orson Welles and his mouth really did look like Rosebud.

Or a puckered something else.
 

It's "My girlfriend and I..."

Dumbass. A really polite and probably likeable dumbass, but, dumbass nonetheless.
 

Lonnie’s unfortunate penchant for perspiring pigment-eating acid from his right armpit seemed to manifest itself at the most inopportune times.
 

Although the enormous rectal belch was heard ‘round the entire room, no one dared to look at the linear spray pattern that was left on the wall to their rear.
 

In the brunette hott's rear, I would pee.

In fact, that's me back there.

(The skinny brown dude with the droopy green hair... not the curtain.)
 

Yeah, this "Jersey Shore" shit is friggin' annoying, at least this guy seems somewhat cool and his girl...oh sh*t...Just noticed Christian Balebag...Lost my train of thought/dinner.
 

This one time I had to take a shit real bad, but I was no where near a toilet so I tried to hold it in using my ass cheeks. Instead, the turd just oozed its way up and down the crack and into my pants.

Once I made my way to a bathroom, I used a half roll of toilet paper to clean my ass off with. I had to damped the TP and stand on the sink counter bent over so I could see my crack in the mirror to make sure I had gotten it all as I dabbed away at my shit stained ass. I stuffed my underwear in the bottom of the owner's waste basket and used one of their hand towels as temporary undergarments.

I'm not ashamed however. It was a Jersey Shore party.
 

I thought I torched these guys the other day
 

Faux Fooled Faces Far and Wide. Good one, Faux.
 

Doucheteau, you've been in the ivory tower too damn long.

Or making sandcastles at a Jersey Shore party.
 

Douchal, please show me the way to your latest musical incarnation of genius, as my visit to your site has only two compositions.
 

I give the Faux Walken credit, that hair was ghastly and brilliantly done for the shore party.
 

That dude in the hot-lips tee and blue-rimmed sunglasses reminds me of a caucasian Gonzi.

Come to think of it, there's a lot of white in this photo. Teeth. Skin. Hair. Even the sole of Quiz Roid's shoe.

All the better to see the orange skin of Quiz Roid and that orange necklace on Blue Rims. Which might explain why everyone BUT Quiz and Rims is laughing.
 

I'm pretty sure the QuizRoid isn't really alive, but is a manikin someone found and thought would be funny to cart around and pose for pictures with.
 

@ Jacques:

"The stench of perfume and tequila was overwhelming".

Ha...they must have been in Pacific Beach (San Diego).

DB1, thanks for cutting the guy some slack. He was not a douchebag anyway, in my opinion (which, when added to a quarter, gets you zip).

Regarding the fuccen photo of Quizzie and his gang, this guy might be the new E-Blo. That's four pics of him that I can remember (difficult for an aging drunk) and his expression never changes.

Is this what too much Botox and/or felching does to a guy?
 

"It was a Jersey Shore Party" is the new "I used steroids to overcome injury" excuse.

I will under no circumstance accept it as valid from this point forward.

Guess what? The "Jersey Shore" is a show about huge DOUCHEBAGS. Finding enjoyment through mimicking their behavior makes you an automatic douchebag as well you fucktards!

I watched the "Jersey Shore," there, I said it. I found it a fascinating study in douchebaggery and stupidity. It was akin to watching the Discovery Channel to learn about zebra mating patterns. The same here. The exercise of watching the show was an educational venture into the world of idiocy.

Do you go to the zoo and immediately attend a petting zoo party by dressing up as a goat? Huh, DO YOU!?!

No, you fucking don't! You dressed up as Jersey Shore wannabes because at some level, probably a very high level, you and your douchey cohorts admire and want to duplicate said "lifestyle."

And that right there is the essence of douche. Trying to immitate a "popular fashion style" centered around visual spectacle through the concentration of name-brand signifiers renders one douche. Douche! Douche! DOUCHE!!!

I don't care how politely you requested that your picture be taken down, which was probably an attempt to conceal your truthly choadesque personality, it only confirms that you are indeed douche. Had you not been douche, you wouldn't have cared, because it was a dress-up party, it was suppossed to be a "joke," and thus you should have enjoyed the process of others laughing in ridicule about the douchiness of the "Jersey Shore" cast.

But that picture WAS you, you fucking coward. You were hurt because you were in fact outted to the cyber world that you are indeed a narcissistic putz. Well your girlfriend, or party, or even "conservative dressing" excuses (which are tired and weak) won't work here.

You are a douche, and just because your picture has been taken down does in no way clear you of douchehood. That weird feeling you have? That's called regret. Regret for being a completely vapid waste of society's time. Instead of trying to hide your shittyness from the world, why don't you take this well deserved insult, and actually change your douchey ass life, you asshatted numbskull.

In summation, fuck you.
 

Seriously, these "Jersey Shore Party" folken should not be so easily dismissed in the future. Recently, a douche hive here in Hermosa Beach coincidentally enough called "The Shore" hosted one of these scrote gatherings. All it did was give credence for the various forms of surfer/beach douche to shift philosophically East and reveal their inner Jersey 'Bag.

Douches imitating other douches.

Think about it.
 

To tell the truth, I've never wastched Jersey Shore because I don't have a TV. I read books.









Ha! Yeah right. I'm just too damn cheap to pay for a dish. And what's the point with a 19" Sony sitting on a milk crate? My trusy Super NES is all the entertainment I need.
 

*watched
 

Well...at least he requested the takedown in a polite manner, not stellar grammar, but no misspellings. He also asked "respectfully", and wished DB1 luck with the site.

Therefore, I move we leave this one alone. Dopey excuse aside, he's being a man about it, and there wasn't even threat of legal action from his imaginary team of Leprechaun lawyers. Nice work, Walknebag. Just remember, you are what you eat, and if your brain is consuming slop like "Jersey Shore", it's not doing you any good. Read a book, take a long shower and reflect on this deviation from the Straight and Narrow.
 

Everyone in the current pic needs a prostate exam with a PaintShaver Pro. Even the chicks.
 

^ Fuccen terrific avatar.
 

^Long showers don't necessarily do one any good, Medusa. My long showers always lead to wobbly knees, a strained wrist, and a deep sense of shame.
 

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@ Sarge:

Black tar heroin is the remedy for that misplaced anger. And you'll sleep like a baby.

@ Mitch

You and I both know there are absolutely no douchebags in Hermosa Beach.
 

@ Wedgie

I agree one hundred percent that black tar heroin is a delightful way to drift off to sleepy land.

But my anger is not misplaced my friend. I'm putting my foot down. This monkey business must be nipped in the bud.

And I have commenced nipping.




And I have also commenced shooting-up.





Aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.......
 

aw...too bad, Faux Walken, your little lass was bangin'...and by bangin' I mean it's a good thing I saved that pic to my documents otherwise this poor lonely box of tissues would go to waste.
 

Ponder me this: Why can't there be a day when all the douchebags decide to dress up like decent human beings?
 

@ SSS

Thank you. Unfortunately, just like "Lasagna Doom Tube," I took too much time making something that won't be funny tomorrow.


....which is pretty much a summation of everything I do nowadays.
 

Gotta watch that, db1. People will use that excuse, whether or not it's true. Just because he's polite and well-spoken in email doesn't mean he's not douchescrote.
 

@Medusa^

Crushin Pussy on the Reg!

Absolutely purest definition of VAG-BLAM!
 

Dicy,

As per your ponder, it would be a grand day indeed...a doucheless day...well this is what we baghunters and huntresses strive incessantly to bring forth to the world, using our arsenal of sometimes crude, and sometimes most devilishly clever mockery...in the meantime until such a day comes we shall continue to soldier on...

...and by soldier on I mean make fart jokes while using the remaining tissues I have left while browsing the Hall of Ass Pear archives...(not to mention yours and Medusas avatars) pardon me...

brrrrrrrraaaappppp!!!
 

@ Whoop-di

That link that Db1 supplied should work. If not right click and save to desk top, then open it with the Windows Media Player or Quicktime
 

Those are the douchiest kissy lips since J.P.
 

No I'm sorry DB1, I disagree, if you dress like that guy on Halloween...your still a douchebag.
 

What?

It was a Jersey Shore party!
 

@JCvD

Maybe it is just me but sometimes I feel our mock is all in vain. How many success stories are there of mock bringing a douche back to the light?

Maybe I am a pessimist but will the Stackhouse's of the world ever change?

Maybe we need them to remind ourselves that the grass really isn't greener on the other side and that all those scrotes bags are scrotes.
 

Fear not Dicy, many have been reformed from the existence of "Hot Chicks with Douchebags."

Can we change the scrotal masters such as the Gator, Fish Slap, Smoot, Stackhouse, Cheeto Man (**shudder**), or the Donk? Not a chance in hell. They are forever lost and we must simply enjoy their uneducated, simplistic existence.

But the lesser douches, the stage ones and twos, are within our grasp. I doubt many of them write in to DB1 to thank him for their net-wide humiliation, but the embarrassment they experience, hopefully multiplied by peer mocking, probably steers them back to a path of nottadouche.




Or maybe not. But hey, that's what alcohol's for.
 

Ah Dicy. Such sweet and naive innocence you display. You've not lived long enough to have gained the massive burden of nihilistic cynicism that has befallen us old goats. You've not had your will beaten down to the flat and lifeless tortilla of despair, nor your soul torn from you by certifiably retarded and obscenely overweight sexual deviant department managers who make twice as much money as you do.

Fear not young lass. Soon you too shall join our ranks, and drown your sorrows each evening in a bottle of Canadian whiskey and old VHS tapes of Press Your Luck.

Each morning you shall awaken, possibly shave but most likely not, and rush to the computer to bitch about the youth whilst attempting to flirt with young folks with whom you think you identify with, then clear your browser history so your spouse doesn't find out. But they wouldn't care anyway, because they don't respect you anymore. Just you wait.

Off the subject, yer really cool and I think we have a lot in common. Ever thought about traveling to Oregon? I could give you a tour if you're ever in the area...
 

@ JD ^

How dare you discuss the details of our private life in here!!!

Oh, wait. Sorry. I was having a Mr. O. flashback. Damn, dude. Thanks for making me want to kill myself. And here I am without proper tools. Well, I have guns, but then those bastids will use my death as an excuse to push more anti-gun legislation.

I'll just masturbate to death. Ta!
 

Is that The Hairodox in the poo blue shades? Either that, or he has an understudy.

It's quite douchey to not only try to make kissy lips, but to also have them all over your sister's t-shirt.
 

one of these days, someone is gonna step up to the media and say that he found a cure for cancer while attending a Jersey Shore dress-up party.

and that guy would still be a fucking douchebag.
 

Being a douche is a way of life.
These turds look way to happy in their choice of attire.
Sorry no pass for you.
 

@ Medusa -
only because I know of your (and my) insistence that the internet does not automatically allow users to spew poor grammar and spelling, it's "Walkenbag" ;)
 

This guy needs to find another face. I've heard Wal-Mart is selling them at giveaway prices, but I don't shop there.
 

i'm with the quiz roid on this one throwing the wtf face... lemme get this straight, you love the site AND Jersey Shore but you're too "conservative" to leave a pic up? write in, tag it for consideration for a notta' pass, explain the whole situation... send some of your good buddy that posted yours... but tapping out cause you're a "conservative" fan of HCwDB and Jersey Shore, that's just not sporting...
 

i confess, i will be attending a jersey shore party this weekend. i still maintain that non-halloween ironobaggery is a potent and valid form of mock
 

What that the fuck is wrong with these people? (Not Walken, the picture)
 

@Dicy -> if the problem was just the way they dress, it would be bad but just a fraction of the real problem: douchebags are complete douchebags.
 

I think a takedown request pretty much qualifies for auto-douche.
I mean, if you are that narcissistic and self-obsessed that your are worried about someone laughing at a pic of you or thinking you are a douche, you probably ARE a douche. If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck.....................
 

Hey, JD, what the hell you dissing me for? What did I ever do to you?

Oh, yeah, one more thing. Jersey shore party = autodouche.
 

@ Wedgie,

There may be a preponderance of Douchebags in HB, but they are offset by the emergence of Black Flag and Pennywise, so the town gets a pass.
 

@Douchesquire

I agree about Black Flag and Pennywise. But I believe Mike Ness said it best when he talked about HB in an OC Weekly article a few years back:

"Huntington Beach is the epitome of poseurdome. You walk down Main Street and every other guy is covered in Hot Topic clothes, with a stripper girlfriend and a pit bull in his jacked up truck."

Plus they stole the name "Surf City" from Santa Cruz.

No pass.
 

OK but you still haven't addressed Seal Beach, Laguna Beach (chock full of 'em), Newport Beach (lip injections, anyone?) and just about every other fuccen beach around here. And we haven't even started on Malibu yet, which should be the epicenter of DB1's next season on MTV.

Oh, the humanity. Too much to contemplate....must get to rehab.....(passes out).
 

D'oh. I read HB as Huntington Beach and not Hermosa Beach.

Boy am I a douche.
 

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@ Anon-

No harm, no foul. Having never been to Huntington Beach personally save a quick drive through, I'll defer to Mike Ness' assessment as he is the coolest motherfuccer ever, and knows of what he speaks.

@ Wedgie-

I wholeheartedly concur on Laguna, Newport, and Malibu. I have an innate fondness for the South Bay, though that's coming from an East Coaster that is faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar to close to NJ, the bastion of all that is Douche.

Time to rock some Descendents to try to forget THAT reality..
 

@ Anon 3:16

D'oh!!! No viking yogurt for me this morning then :(

Fuck yeah, I'm on some of this rockin' out today.
 

@ Medusa,

THATS what I'm fuccen talking about!
 

No, seriously, what the hell is going on in this picture? It looks like underwater mannequin rape.


Descendents = *rawkz*
 

"Look, yer Honor, about that douchebag I cut up in the bathtub... see, we were having a Sopranos Retrospective/Jersey Shore party..."

--VS