Hot Chicks with Douchebags

P.T. Bagnum

2010-02-09T07:02:00.000-08:00

There's a tonguer born every minute.

No More Douchebaguette Lick

2010-02-08T18:03:00.000-08:00

Friday's Douchebaguette writes in:

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Will you please remove the posting that contains my picture and the comments that follow. The comments are incredibly hurtful, untrue and defamatory. Also, please do not disclose my identity in any further postings.

Thank you.

- S
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Look on the bright side, S. You could be dating Eye Browbot.

Elmer Pudd the Poet

2010-02-08T14:29:00.000-08:00

In case you thought the poetic rantings of Stackhouse were unique in douche culture, a reader submits Elmer Pudd's Facebook soliloques. I title this poem, "I hate those Quiet, Salad Eating Bitches":

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I hate those quiet,salad-eating bitches,those real quiet ones, you know.The kind of women, you take them out to dinner, you say:"Hey, what you wanna eat?" They go, "I'll just have a salad."And you hear their stomach going:"I don't know why my stomach is making that noise.""Because you're hungry, bitch."

No such thing as a loyal man. Ladies, do not be fooled. I know some men have some strong raps and they'll have you believing it. No loyal men. All men f*ck other women We are low by nature and have to do it. We are men. All men do it, We have to do it. We are men. It is a man thing. Men must find and conquer as much pu...ssy as they can get. Do not think for two seconds that you are the only one your man is f*cking.
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I believe this is a variation on Freud's theory of "Wit, Salad Tossing, and the Unconscious."

The Rocker Douche

2010-02-08T12:38:00.000-08:00

We haven't featured a classic Rocker Douche on the site in awhile.

With hipster pink t-shirt, do not be fooled by Jim Douchison's attempt to pretend he is not schrod. Note "flavor savor" and, of course, the wristdanna + sideways peace sign -- as clear a connection to Vegas douchery as one needs to tag a 'bag.

Hippy Goldie has a strangely robotic feel, but that would not prevent me from meekly nuzzling her belly button with only a small can of gherkin pickles and a Sherpa named Uzbeke to guide me.

Creepy Dorm Guy

2010-02-08T10:45:00.000-08:00

Creepy Dorm Guy and Amy Winehouse Hippie Chick just voted in the HCwDB of the Week.

Have you voted yet?

HCwDB of the Week

2010-02-08T07:04:00.000-08:00

Congrats to the New Orleans Saints and all that. But we got work to do people. There are schroads licking perfectly tasty hottness as we speak. They must be mocked. And by mocked, I mean categorized. And then mocked. Here's your finalists:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: The Quizzical Hemorrhoid and Princess Lickmah

The Q.H. is one of those rare partybags. The type who amazingly manages to make the same stupid douche-face in every pic.

Even when popping a squat or makin' the party pile.

His greased up Eurotaint is garbagian in its poocrappery.

Yeah, I said both "garbagian" and "poocrappery" in the same sentence.

Up yours, Merriam and Webster.

Mmmm... Euro hottness....

Princess Suckle Thigh is quality Italian-French hybridity. I blame her for the 100 years war. In my pants.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: The Double Flush, aka Fists of Poo

About time we get some classic Vegas douche-poo back up on the site.

Here we have two extremely sweet, high quality, hot chicks.

They're smiling.

They desire the DB1 to gnaw on their ankles.

And for that, I would buy them each a car.

And then we have two Vegas "Fists of Poo." Tatted up, greased up, large watch and sunglasses wearing crappogians.

But what takes this pic to Weekly status?

The Sideburns Money Clip (tm). As seen on TV.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Yellow Lips and Sophomore Karen

At first, these two may seem unlikely HCwDB of the Week contestants.

Look again.

They may not be over the top hottie/douchey spectacle. But for real world Frat assholitry, Yellow Lips earns his slot in the Weekly.

Note Y.L.'s shirt print, nuclear sunglasses, chest reveal and masterful Kissy Lips.

Top it off with some crappy Busch beer, and this is a Frat party poor Sophomore Karen will be in therapy for years trying to forget.

And Sophomore Karen more than holds up her end of the real-world sexy sultry, hottness. With barely any makeup on, she's already quality sweets.

I would gnash angrily on her childhood teddy bear, "Boo," with my teeth until she called campus security and had me escorted off the premises.

(Dis)honorable mention to Slick James, Sticks McHead, Mopey the Beanstalk, the weirdness of Alice in Choaderland and the uber-hottness of Sun Sandra (see you at the Douchies, my dear) and The 'Bag Face.

But three couplings may enter. Only one may (de-)ascend. Which?

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

Superbowl Sunday

2010-02-07T12:59:00.000-08:00

You know who isn't playing in this game?

Matt Stafford.

Vanilla Ass

2010-02-07T08:02:00.000-08:00

If David Bowie were still alive, he'd be furious.

Friday Thoughts and Links

2010-02-05T12:56:00.000-08:00

This gaggle of tainted turd just cured my constipation.

It's a rainy, chilly Friday here in Los Angeles. David Lynch hasn't done the weather reports lately, so instead, you'll get it from your humble narrator.

My butt heads to San Francisco on Wednesday for five days.

Five days of hipsterbag mocking and late night S.F. art hottie hitting upons. Good times will be had. Tasty chocolate Hostess Cupcakes will be consumed.
And the lamb lies down on Broadway.

Here's your links:

Your humble narrator isn't just on Twitter, I'm all Twitpicin now too.

One of the Miami douches we feature in season #2 of Is She Really Going Out With Him? takes to YouTube to attempt to preemptively blunt the show's revelations that he's a scrotewad. Keep diggin', King Scrotecles.

He's Just a Regular Everyday Normal Guy. His sexual performances are average.

As we always knew, the scale of the entire universe is defined by Ubiquitous Red Cup. (click PLAY then scale to find the URC).

In Oregon, they like their beavers orange.

I know we're not there yet, but how's about a sneak peak of some Orange Guidette Ass Pear?

Ed Hardy continues to dump steaming loads on our culture.

Christina Hendricks goes Librarian Boobie Hottie Suckle Thigh.

A little retro 'baggery: The late, great Andy Kaufman turns into "Latka the Playboy" on Taxi.

I don't know what Foresquare is, but it has a douche problem.

American Apparel earns permanent nottadouche status for running a global ass pear contest.

Okay. After that last link, it's probably anti-climaxtic. But you've had a tough week mocking choad and hott lusting. Here you go... you've earned it:

Self Peartrait.

Go forth. Go forth and spread the gospel of hottie/douchey mock. For life is short. And soon you'll have a kid.

Ask DB1: More Douchebaguettes?

2010-02-05T11:02:00.000-08:00

PIC DELETED

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Hi DB1,

you posted a letter a few weeks back from someone requesting more pictures of the douchebagettes, I'd just like to second that notion.

I understand the allure of a girl with some dirt around the edges and I get that douchiness in men tends to scrub out the hott while in women it can oddly enhance it. Some of these chicks though are so skeezy that you couldn't bleach it off them and I'd like to mock to them too.

Thanks, keep on mocking!
R
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Would a leopard print 'baguette making the "sideways peace sign" and kissy lips while getting licked by Joey the Used Car Salesman qualify, R?

I thought so.

Ashlee's Poor Choices Continue

2010-02-05T09:15:00.000-08:00

2009 Hottest Girl Next Door Hott finalist, Ashlee, still has a taste for the Fratchoad.

And for that, we are all complicit in culture fail.

Friday Haiku

2010-02-05T07:02:00.000-08:00

"Sveden is great, Ja!"
Ref Hottie blows whistle foul.
Fill in "blows" joke here.

Umpire hottie,
I see the regret that you
Went home with a 'bag

-- Dicy

Elke, ditch this clown
Leave Billy Idol Junior
Dancing with himself

-- Father Guido Sardouchey

Kissy face Douchebag.
Shows off discolored finger.
Hot throws yellow flag.

-- Bar_Bag91

Run, Lola hott, run.
Olaf wields IQ of 9;
Runs on 4th and long.

-Amerigo Vesdouchey

Ivan Drago 'bag
Tanned funbags in the disco
A View to a Douche

-- Bag A

With a Rebel Yell,
Hot cried Axe, Axe, like a child,
She has been tainted

-- Douchesquire

Known for his toughness
World Analingus Champ called
for not trimming nails

-- Douche Bigalow

HCwDB 2.0 on the Way

2010-02-04T15:52:00.000-08:00

As we approach the four year anniversary of HCwDB, I'mma get some design all up in this place.

That's right. HCwDB 2.0 will be launching in less than a month.

I'll be finally ditching the Blogger Software nightmare that has slowed this site down, caused many brilliant comments to be lost in a "conflicting edits" abyss, and generally sucked teeny tiny monkey ballsack.

Replacing it will be pretty much the same site, but with a few new and fun things (full message board functionality, ability for anyone to upload and vote on pics, etc.). However, many of you may need to reregister your names and profiles, and I'm still determining if original comments threads will fully carry over as well.

So if you've written some brilliant stuff in a past thread, and most of the comments threads are filled with genius, be sure to copy/paste/save anything you want to keep. I'm doing my best to make sure all archives carry over 100% but I'm still not sure if it'll work.

It's about time we take HCwDB to the next level.

The war between hope and hair grease, this Ed Hardpocalypse of cultural suck and hottie suckle, must carry onward.

And so it shall, kids. And so it shall.

Ask DB1: Unseen Consequences of HCwDB?

2010-02-04T14:04:00.000-08:00

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DB1,

Do forgive me if this question is old news to you, but I'm curious:

Do you think it possible that the presence of your site/book/TV show may have actually increased the presence of the douchebag in modern society? I feel as though you've likely ruminated on this matter and I'd be interested to hear your thoughts.

Respectfully yours,

Business-Casual Douche
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This is a hard one to answer, BCD. It's something that I've meditated on frequently during recent incoherent cheap wine and sugar rush enhanced evenings spent sitting on my stained rug and scratching myself.

I would like to think that rendering the choad laughable and mockworthy is a potent antidote to the scrotocalypse, but it is too early to tell how well it's working. However your question is valid, and one we should consider as the war to save the hott from the scrotund goes into stage II (the televisual and cinematic realm).

However, making a culture aware of its endemic rot is often potent and altering, even if some toadbags become exemplars rather than shunned lepers in the process.

The Double Flush

2010-02-04T12:07:00.000-08:00

When douches are in the pool, crushing the hotts in a double press sandwich, and making fists to show their phallic power, where's the only place to keep one's cash?

Why, the Sideburns Bill Clip (tm), of course.

Salvador Doucheli

2010-02-04T11:20:00.000-08:00

I loved your early collaborations with Luis Bunuel on such films as Un Sheen an da Poo, Dream Caused by the Flight of a 'Bag and Persistence of Scrotery.

Yup.

2010 may be the year of the Hipsterbag.

Prepare yourself. It's only going to get scruffier.

Lorenzo's Oil Head

2010-02-04T09:16:00.000-08:00

Mark of the 'bag in the forehead shine. Check. Rosarie Beads. Check. Unbuttoned red rayon shirt. Check.

What's next to complete the cliche, Lorenzo?

A few "Ayyyy!" and "Fugghedaboutit!"s to Anna while saying how you work in "construction?"

Anna may have the Jerz nosejob and boobies by Dr. Zizmore, but she still deserves better.

Later, Lorenzo tries for the patented Trenton Threesome. With mixed results.

Bucky Upgrades

2010-02-04T07:04:00.000-08:00

Bucky saw last night's Pink Mesh Hat Tilt and felt threatened.

Even though he's the 2009 Douchie winner for Douchiest Hat Tilt, Bucky, and his nearly award winning Hottest Hott, Kathy, don't rest on their laurels.

And by laurels, I mean trade school.

Identical pose, but that's some stylin' quality Yankee hat, ripping its four dimensional axes tilt in the space-time continuum. This proves Bucky's win (and our culture's loss) was well deserved at the 2009 Douchies.

Kathy looks different. Strange. Still hot, but not quite Kathy. But I'd still awkwardly grope her kneecaps like a cauterized New York sewer rat searching for tasty fried plantains.

No More Faux Walken

2010-02-03T20:28:00.000-08:00

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Hello DB1,

as funny as I myself find the website to be, I must respectfully ask that you take a picture of me and my girlfriend down from the website.

The picture titled "The Faux Walken" is actually a picture from a party we had for the season finale of the MTV show "Jersey Shore". Everyone was to dress up like the persons from the show, and in turn that picture was taken at the party.

My friend as a prank sent that picture into you not thinking it would actually post up. Me and my girlfriend are actually quite conservative in everyday dress and would like the picture taken down for various reasons however. I hope this is not a problem since you list an e-mail to you as a way to have a picture removed in your FAQ section. I wish you further luck with the website though, I do enjoy it.

Thanks for being understanding.

-- Faux Walken
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Dammit. I hate nice, polite, well spelled un-Stackhousian takedown requests.

The "I was dressing up for a Jersey Shore" party may be the 2010 version of "it was a douchebag themed party!" Irono-baggery is still authento-douchery, people. Except on Halloween, and only for readers of the site.

The Faux Walken

2010-02-03T16:37:00.000-08:00

PIC DELETED

We've seen many styles of hair on a kissy-lippin' douche in presence of tasty Midwestern Future Midlevel Employee Real Girl Cutie.

Rarely do we see a Faux Walken.

The Pink Mesh Cap Lives

2010-02-03T14:42:00.000-08:00

When the only item of clothing on your upper body is a levitating pink mesh cap at 52 degree tilt, you're a huge sack of existential douchebaggery.

Nietzsche just called to say there is no ubermensch. Only primitive inchoate darkness.

Michelle and Heather, please continue to fondle each other.

For the only answer in the darkness is boobie fondle.

Ask DB1: The 'Bagface

2010-02-03T12:22:00.000-08:00

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Hi DB1,

Here's a question that's been bugging me for quite some time.

Can someone be considered a douchebag merely based on the expression on their face?

- Maury Bag
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Yes. Yes they can.

Vin Douchal's "Ass Pear La Plante"

2010-02-03T10:22:00.000-08:00

We interrupt your regularly scheduled douche mocking and hott lusting to bring you the great Vin Douchal singing an ode to HCwDB's award winning Ass Pear:

Ass Pear LaPlante.

Available on iTunes soon...

Where's Annoyed Famke Jansen Hot Chick?

2010-02-03T09:11:00.000-08:00

Somewhere in this pic of steaming furry dog poo on a snowy winter day, I've carefully hidden an annoyed Famke Jansey Hot Chick.

Look closely.

Can you find her?

HCwDB of the Month: Stackhouse the Poet

2010-02-03T07:03:00.000-08:00

There could be no other. No one so far in 2010 who fully encompases the narcissism, shallowness, ignorance and obsession of the self (and tasty fried poultry) that defines douchebaggery.

Witness the run: Poetic douche-verse, 2, 3, 4, poultry 1, more poultry, The Church of Poultry, and hating Philadelphia. Pussy Crushin' and Donating his dick to charity. WTF, he's tryin' to do tri's and Get Some.

The voters speak:

Bagnonymous: Stackhouse has truly defined the month of January 2010 here at HCwDB--he's been all over it like stink on sh*t.

doucheywallnuts: Stackhouse is an irresistible force of doucheness, akin to the forces of nature like Hurricane Katrina or the earthquake that hit Haiti. In another month, in another place and time, Supermang would get my vote. However, Stackhouse is Babe Ruth to Supermang's Lou Gehrig, and Stack overshadows all other douches of this era. He has trumped douche looks and all the outward trappings of douche-itude by revealing his inner self. As a matter of fact, he could adopt any kind of look and he'd still be an HOF douche.

Anonymous: GET SOME... Community college

Douche Bigalow: I was leaning Gonzi until Stack summoned forth his considerable prosaic skills and produced the groundbreaking "Harvard, Wisconsin, and my 8000.00 mattress" rant Stack for honorary poet laureate because, well, anything less is just garden variety narcissistic pussy crushin'.

ted: Ugh. Normally, any of these idiots could win and there would be neither harm nor foul. But these are not normal times. To deny the walking obscenity that IS Stackhouse would be akin to denial of the moon landing, or that two plus two is four. Stackhouse. For the win. God help us all.

Evil Otto: Stack for the win of the monthly, the yearly, the decade. In fact, this vile chunk of debris needs a lifetime achievement award.

clam fist: Stackhouse for telling it like it is and living the lifestyle we all secretly want. Deep down all of you fellow basement dwellers are afraid of admitting it. We just wish any of his whobag jumpoffs would give us the time of day. thats just how this hatter rolls!

Michael Douchekakis: Stackhouse's genes have spread long into the future. Please note in Avatar where one of the SkyPeople keeps saying "GET SOME" as he shoots at the Na'vi in the forests of Pandora. Stackhouse FTW.

little beaver: Stack wins the monthly. The other douches are just a guess. We know Stacky crushes p*ssy on the reg. Whobag jump offs are lining up for the Stack Attack and fried turkey dinners. He dishes out the prison popular HIV creampie like it's going out of style. He is a man of high standards. F*ck water, I f*cken hate it too. How do we know all this? He told us. Get some.

El Caganer: Stackhouse FTM. He was the after Christmas gift that just kept on giving. Whobags, jump offs, mirror time, swole would not be part of our collective lexicon without him. Sure he deserves a swift kick in the crotch, but he also deserves the monthly. Get some. water at the bar.

Publius Choadius Naso: Stackhouse FTW. Because sometimes the choice is just that clear. And by "clear" I mean that if some whacked out, paranoid semiotician of a parent decided to lock their newborn in a closet and not speak to him or her for the first ten years of the kid's life in a effort to ascertain, a la Paul Auster's New York Trilogy, what the Adamic/pre-Tower of Babel language is--that that kid, upon being allowed out in to the world and being shown in those first moments a picture of SH, would STILL say "I see Douche."

Merle Baggard: Stack for the monthly. Lois for Goldenest globes yearly award. Don't forget Mandy for Hottest Girl next door in the yearly.

Vin Douchal: Stackhouse has that special quality that brings out the best in everyone else, like Magic Johnson does for coffee stores or Tim Tebow does for aborigine children. And by everyone I mean baghunters.

Wedgie: Lost in the overwhelming background noise of Stackie's poetry and lame rebuttals to our mocking is the fact that he has shown a savant's genius at pulling quality hotties. A virtual Raymond Babbitt of pussy crushing, poultry fondling, and misspelling, he diminishes his own legacy when texting.

The Freezer: I know it's about the hot chicks as much as it's about the douchebag, and Stackhouse the Poet doesn't exactly have a consistent gal pal, but he's simply unbeatable in this monthly. And by unbeatable, I mean worthy of being beat to death with Klondike bars, bags of frozen peas, tatter tots, Hot Pockets, and, um, a half-filled ice cube tray.

Jean Claude Van Douche: Gonzi is the downfall of western civilization... but Stackhouse makes Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings sound like Aeschylus reincarnate...
Stackhouse for the Monthly...

Wheezer: Shithouse crushes these other fat f*cks and annihilates any and all comers to his scrote throne. Poultry 'tude FTW on the reg, and then he'll deep throat Hurley's gizzards to celebrate.

Dicy: Any other month I would go for Gonzi and his tragic choice of wardrobe plus his hotts are hott so everyone is a winner. But Stackhouse is a dick. And therefore I must change my original stance that we can't base the winner(loser) on personality... because Stacky is just too tainted to let slip by on a technicality. Besides, he still looks pathetically douchie and his ladies are always quality.

Sad Party Karaoke Robot: For all you water drinking pussies out there that are anti-Stack, Get Some siemen. For the Jump off, whoabag hatters, Get Some Hurley mann-goo. I mean Stackhouse for FTW. I think that's what I said. We need a fuccen dictionary for this retard.

It was a Stackslide. The pussy crushin' on the reg was too much to ignore for the Yearly. The other candidates barely mustered a threat, but did find passionate defense on the grounds of verbal disqualification of the Stack, and visual supremacy of the other hottie/douchey couplings:

Douchesquire: Pablows ftw. Stack sucks and his hotts are notts. Gonzi is a retard or stuck in Halloween Mode. Mang does not inspire the hate, for whatever reason. Its probably those lovely funbags he's posed with.

Crazed Aborigine: My protest vote goes to Pablow, his later appearances have convinced me he isn't a gaybag, despite my earlier posted doubts.
Artschool Tina for HoH.

Dr. DB: If it wasn't for the poetry Stackhouse would not be a contender. My vote will follow the visual spectacle of HCWDB. As such, The diminutive Supermang is a classic, and I can't take my eyes off of Lois' Lanes. Supermang FTM.

Tony Ventresca: I choose Supermang and Lois. Why? He's clearly a douchebag: bandanna, darker-on-top sunglasses, unshaven teenage facial hair pattern, big biceps and pecs (which he clearly works out too much, ignoring other muscles - look at that puny neck), HUGE wristwatch, and he's clearly skilled at throwing down a hand signal while still gripping his cup. And he's much shorter than the hott.

jonezy: Gonzi. May a stiff forearm be eternally shoved up his rectum. I would be amused to see him and E BLO have a stare-off contest.

Gonzi and Mandy probably would've won in a normal month. But this was not a normal month. So lets turn it over to Mr. Choad's Wild Ride to explain how we got here:

Stack is a meme. He's transcended mere pudwankery and has become something more. He's a meme who creates memes- crushing p*ssy, fist pumping the f*ck out of 2010, poultry consumption, GET SOME! Having learned of our collective mockery, Stack never requested that DB1 remove any of his images or musings. Stack said (paraphrasing), "I see that you mock me and yet it concerns me not." Stack embodies the qualities of the douche from not only his photographic array but also the substance of his poems. He is the archtype of the self-absorbed, soulless, hedonist douche. Thus, Stackhouse FTW.

Indeed. We'll see this puss crusher get some water hattin' on in the Yearly. Until then, no more Stackhouse. Like Kadebag, he's reached his limit on HCwDB, and we move on to new mockworthy hottie/douchey couplings.