Hot Chicks with Douchebags

Friday Thoughts and Links

2009-11-20T13:02:00.000-08:00

I have many thoughts upon this crisp, Los Angeles Friday.

With the 2009 Douchies coming up fast, the pics are being processed and the awards committee is hard at work. And by awards commitee, I mean me. Sitting around. Scratching myself. Eating bowls of Frosted Flakes and enjoying my 1970s Eliot Gould Netflix festival.

The Douchies begin December 7th.

I tip a half eaten HoHo to all of us bag hunters and huntresses. I sip an Ubiquitous Red Cup filled with Trader Joe's Blood Orange soda from one of the vintage bottles I keep on my Blood Orange Soda rack. And I burp.

My burps taste like fresh HoHos.

Here's your links:

Lets get our retro groove on with the uberhott and frequently naked Dolly Read "singing" Sweet Talkin' Candy Man in the Roger Ebert scripted classic, Beyond the Valley of the Dolls. This song is genius. Crying out for an updated indie cover.

Moving up a few decades, how's about some 1980s retro douche: The William Zabka Trilogy.

And, in our present historical moment, there's: Michael Bay. Douche.

Reader Matt looks up The Salt Licker's stomach tatt and discovers it's the symbol for sulfur.

Speaking of the 80s, This'll cheer you up.

But also sad news: Ken Ober has passed away. At a ridiculously young age. The hilarious host of the great game show on MTV that inspired much of my early teen years, Remote Control. In memorium: Kenny wasn't like the other kids.

My contributions to the development of linguistic discourse continue.

Do not click on this link. I'm serious. If you do, I don't want to hear any whining about it. I must include it because it's superdouchey, but it's also psychologically scarring. I take no blame. (although if you can make it to :53, the dance is hilarious. Good luck making it.)

Okay, after that link I owe you.

Here's your payback: Sky Pear.

Red Tony Prepares for the Weekly

2009-11-20T11:18:00.000-08:00

Red Tony thinks he's going to be up for HCwDB of the Week on Monday.

He's so excited, he's serving up Vodka and Red Bulls to get Michaela drunk while he prepares to compete.

Sadly, Red Tony hasn't heard that he's not making the cut.

Sorry, R.T. Pumped up Jerzguidery without faux and kissylips just isn't enough.

Vegas Hal

2009-11-20T09:14:00.000-08:00

Vegas Hal isn't major league douche. Sure he's got the mini-faux popup head. The douchey tatts. The six pound watch. The white belt.

And, of course, apparently tweezed eyebrows. But it's not the sneery punch-worthy kind of douche.

If Vegas Hal bats for the hometeam, I'd simply mark him a gaybag and be ready to dismiss him from the debate.

But Vegas Hal's currying favor with Sexy Sandra suggests faux-gaybaggery, which is, of course, authento-douchery.

I call 'bag.

And now, I will softly rub my flannel shirts from the early 1990s, hum angsty Stone Temple Pilots songs, and dream of brunette boobie marshmallow peeps.

Friday Haiku

2009-11-20T07:02:00.000-08:00

Sneery Goose Runner
Almost pulls "Double Shocker,"
Needs index to hold.

Frosted glass at night
In a Seventies basement
Side boob and lip gloss

-- Publius Choadius Naso

Spring Break trip mistake
Got on plane to Russia, oops
Still met bags with booze

-- Dr. DB

Latin goblin bags
Vanilla chocolate goose
Hots drink to endure.

-- The 'Baggernaut

Three hotts in a room
Douchebag Pack encircle them
Forsake all hope, run!

-- Hector, Tamer of Douches

It's Los Stooges Tres.
Left to right, there's Moe, Curly,
and El Carne de Porch.

-- "Lesbian Thermos" Ernie Tubesock

El Chupacabra
turns his back on tequilla
por que, amigo?

-- Douche Wayne

Nipsy Hussle

2009-11-19T15:55:00.000-08:00

I chalk this up as a variant of the game young children play.

The "I'll show you yours, then you show me mine, then I'll shoot 20 CCs of Andro into my eyeballs and beat up a couch."

That's what they call it in the schoolyards now, right?

Jerztoberfest

2009-11-19T13:43:00.000-08:00

Puds, please leave the Kappa Kappa Woo Sorority Sisters alone.

Jerztoberfest isn't until January.

Name that Scrote

2009-11-19T11:02:00.000-08:00

Last night's HCwDB After Dark pic, in which this tatted up, hat tilted, pants dropping grease-scrote was found rubbing up on a fiery zebra Latina we'll call Jezebel, was not given an official tag.

Since the naming pool is plentiful, I figured I'd open up the 'tag for Monday's Weekly. The leading contender right now is Troy Tempest with "Scribbles."

Can you do better?

Tag that 'Bag in the comments thread.

Reader Mail: The Britbag

2009-11-19T09:17:00.000-08:00

----
DB1,

Last weekend, I, an American woman, met this British guy who was perfectly normal and pretty attractive.

He was wearing not-too-tight clothes, there was not a trace of orange on his skin, and the tips of his hair were mercifully unfrosted. He had a cute accent, laughed at my jokes, and was a good kisser. I liked him.

Fast forward to this afternoon, when I noticed that he had friended me on Facebook. I looked at his profile pictures, and was shocked. He was displaying multiple sure-fire signs of scrote -- including but not limited to: forehead shine, hair gel, kissy face, and chest-revealing dress shirt. Throw a fake tan and some Armani Exchange on this bloke, and he's HCWDB material.

Is it possible that a Jekyll and Hyde phenomenon is occurring here -- i .e. Dr. Normal and Mr. Douche? Or, more disconcerting, maybe he's like a Were-douche and his baggery only reveals itself during a full moon?

Your thoughts and guidance on this matter would be greatly appreciated.

-- Natalie
----

There are frequent cases of split personality 'bags, Natalie, and you must be careful to check for the signs.

Search for hidden canisters of Axe Bodyspray in the bathroom. Rummage for old "Affliction" shirts hidden in the closet. Check his online bookmarks to see if he reads "The Dirty."

It is not surprising to learn that such split-level choadsity is occurring in London. The alienation caused by living on an island of failed empire can only lead to the fracture of the self. That, and way too many Robbie Williams songs.

The Salt Licker Softly Weeps

2009-11-19T07:07:00.000-08:00

This week's HCwDB of the Week loser (winner), The Salt Lick, is not taking his loss (win) very well.

In protest over the vote, The 'Lick went out and got the Gaelic symbol for "semi-employed" tattoed on his belly button. And now he's macking on Tiny Lori with only semi-efforted douchosity.

Because The Licker's blue.

He wanted scrotal appreciation. And we gave him only disinterest. Which is like spiritual death to a 'bag.

HCwDB After Dark

2009-11-18T18:35:00.000-08:00

Come on in!!

It's late nite HCwDB.

We've got chips and dips.

'Bags and whips.

Zebra hotts and creepy drips.

And a basket of tasty organic gourds.

Red Tony

2009-11-18T13:04:00.000-08:00

Because when Red Tony really gets serious about playing the hilarious "Nipple Button goes 'Boop!'" game on Lisa at the State Fair, he knows that only one forearm sweatband is for amateurs.

True Playahs wear two.

Chin Pube Dribble

2009-11-18T11:03:00.000-08:00

Still out there.

Still douchey.

Smoot Laughs at Robopud

2009-11-18T09:10:00.000-08:00

HCwDB of the Year contestant, Smoot, laughs at Robopud's pathetic attempts to become uberdouche in presence of hott.

Smoot does not need Groin Shave Reveal in the presence of the ladies to announce his scrotal powers.

Nor does Smoot need kissy lips, hand gesture or facial hair.

For Smoot is douche. It is Zen Douchosity. And as such, it must be observed.

And by observed, I mean plaid shorts.

HCwDB of the Week: Robopud

2009-11-18T07:03:00.000-08:00

A subtle pic when it first appeared, the power of Robopud's "Ayyy!" hand gesture and GSR (Groin Shave Reveal), plus the Giggle Hottness of Mona and Kate, was too pungent an HCwDB combo, and took the Weekly.

The voters speak:

Wedgie: I gotta go with Robopud. GSR is an automatic vote getter in my book. Like Baggie a couple of weeks ago, the newest douchie maneuver tops all others in pushing my gag reflex. What could be worse than a man who is not preparing for a hernia operation intentionally shaving his crotch? Nothing.

08armydoc: Robopud, hands down. The abs say it all - if someone puts that much effort into his *abs*, how much effort does he have for the rest of his life? Ie, that last workout left him too tired to even smile. And to have that little body fat in order to show off said abs, he eats fewer calories than the slutty bookends.

Genital Electric: The Robopud. For his Hotts are the hottest, and his swim trunks have demonstrated their disgust over the GSR by vomiting their innards like a tired sea cucumber.

Patrick: Robopud. GSR, Bag Pouty Face, Stupid Hand Gestures, shirt hanging out of the trunks, stupid oversized sunglasses. Very hott hots. The pud wins, but we all lose.

The Donger: I have to go with Robopud and his hotts. They would all be stars if Paul Verhoeven decided to re-shoot "Robocop" and "Showgirls" together as a single indie arthouse film, though I would much prefer Robopud get run over with a steamroller while he just feature the girls in a movie called "Alabama Piledrivers #3."

Bourbon Bill: Robopud ftw. He has come from the future to help proliferate the GSR to new levels. Who else could have known it was a great place to hang a shirt? Robots, that's who

miss leigh: robopud!!! the hotts are hot and the douche is douchey!

End the Habedouchery: At some point in his worldly travels he decided "You know what? This shirt would look better hanging out of my shorts. That way I can show off my sweet abs."

French for Shower: The Robopud kind of sneaks up on you. It's hard to see just what a Douche he is because of the poor exposure but on close inspection the guy is an uberdouche. Warning don't look to closely at his manscaping it's horrifying.

Massengill: Gotta give it to Robopud for best impression of ED-209 by a douche.

Filthy McBaggin: Robopud. GSR has clearly become the province of the truly narcissistic Bag. Even with the welding shield on, I can see the self absorbed look on his face. He's not happy to be there, he thinks those Bleeths are his birthright. I'll bet he also thinks male porn stars are, well....stars.

Jessica: I like Robopud the most. He's kind of an everydouche himself, but I love the girls, especially Mona, with her great ass, side-swept hair and glasses tilt. She reminds me of an 80s beer commercial, which makes me happy

Mmmm... Jessica bringing the sapphic imagery on this Wednesday morning. Good round on voting and excellent points all around. And by all around, I mean GSR makes me weep for the future.

Coming in a solid second, and nearly taking the prize, was the ridic Salt Licker and white glove:

Mr. Scrotato Head: Salt Lick for the win because someone in Interpol needs another opportunity to see this pick, show it to Franz and Helga, and ask in perfect Belgian dialect, "Heir Kruger, Frau Kruger, is this your daughter?" At which point Frau Kruger will burst into shieks of anguish and tears will roll down Franz's face as he nods in stunded silence.

Anonne Huntress: Salt Lick ftw. If the only way you can get a barely legal chick while looking like that is to drug her until she can barely stand, you are a douche of epic proportions.

El Queso: I say it once, I say two times: Salt Lick Crew effects douchebag re-enactment of Rembrandt's masterpiece, "The Night Watch". and some dang screwball sour mash Kentucky poon-tang, aged in the finest hollers the backwoods can offer, a bona-fide 15 years.

El Caganer: I have to vote for Salt Lick. He has those goofy Mickey Mouse like gloves and spiky hair with a touch of dried bird poo. He also has the barely legal hott collection. His hotts are nice and slutty, just the way I like them.

Desert Douche: Salt Lick FTW. The gloves, the attempt at making seagull shit a fashionable hair trend, the under-age drunk girl who snuck out of the house to go to this slammin' party and his hanger-on Sancho Panza make me want to rub salt in my open wounds.

Vin Douchal: He looks like he's peeing on his leg at the bowling alley as he readies himself for a shot at a 300 game and greatness in his own mind.

And a solid third place belonged to the Dissected Frog:

AV: The Frog's hair is a registered lethal weapon in three states. And he has been banned from riding blimps and hot air balloons in all fifty. Plus, his hott, Angelica, has an exotic quality that rouses my loins; more so than the other hotts. I hope he gets eaten by an alligator while riding a log to his home.

Publius Choadius Naso: Frogger FTW. Manicured chin pubes and eyebrows are enough to call douche on, but the emo affectations juxtaposed with the street (in)cred matching tats and t-shirt put him over the top in this weekly. And bouncing between all of that black and white stuff--hair, shirt, hott garb--adds an extra layer of poo to the swirling vortex of HCwDB.

Justin: My vote goes to Froggy. He has the outrageous hair spike, the chin dribble, the smug facial expression, the incomprehensible gang sign-like hand gestures, and he has pretty hot babes around him. Oh, and plucked eyebrows. Fuck you Froggy.

DoubleBock: With a nod and a shocker salute to F. Scott Fitzgerald's quote, "There are no second acts in American Lives", I vote Dissected Frog/Alpaca Farm Head for the win. His glorious return from the trash heap of history to the HCwDB weekly should inspire us all.

Well said, D.B., the 'Frog reminds us that 'bags on this site never really go away. They just pose again.

But as we gear up for the 2009 Douchies and vote in these smaller contests, Robopud, Mona and Kate had the hottal/douchal goods to take the prize. Lets let Bob take us home:

One vote for Robopud. He's got the Dumb Hair, he's got a little Meaningless Bling, he's got the GSR, he's got the Overdeveloped Abs, he's got the Oversize Mirrored Sunglasses. All good and worthy 'bag attributes. But mostly, he's got those hotts. Mona, the one with the Side Ass profile? I would cockpunch a football field full of adorable penguins just for the opportunity to gargle the discarded water used to wash that bikini she's wearing.

Well said on the hotts, Bob. Those football field penguins deserve their cockpunch. Given the short Monthly, Robopud may just sneak in and snag one of the coveted Yearly positions in a few weeks. For now, we laugh at his groin shave, and appreciate Mona's curves. Excellent work to all who voted, and I get cereal now.

The Cure For Constipation

2009-11-17T15:39:00.000-08:00

1. Put on your cheapest Ed Hardy

2. Lean over a well endowed lady friend's boobs (for inspiration)

3. Flex intensely

4. Make "The Kissy Lips"

5. Squeeze

Pootiny on the Bounty

2009-11-17T13:27:00.000-08:00

I'm convinced that, in many of the rural regions of this country, owning a small boat on a lake is like owning a Lamborghini in Miami.

It is vehicular douchosity.

Then again, so are lame Chinese body tatts that order "Beef with Broccoli" in Mandarin while making the "Rocker Horns," all while the secretarial pool from Initech take the weekend off.

And yes, that's an Ed Hardy bikini on Shawna on the left.

Or, as I like to think of it, the modern equivalent of Abandon hope, all ye who enter here.

Ask DB1: "The Cosmobag"

2009-11-17T11:16:00.000-08:00

-----
DB1,

I was wondering if you could discuss a new trending topic I've seen sweeping the douchebag nation.

It's something I like to call it the "I'm from NY/LA/Miami/Las Vegas" phenomenon.

It seems to me like the cool thing to do now is for douchebags (AND douchebagettes - they may actually be more guilty of this than your typical run-of-the-mill dbag) to claim that they're "located in" or "are from" a number of big cities where the doucherity flows like wine and the Bleeths flock like the salmon of Capistrano.

Am I missing something?

Do dbags have out of body experiences resulting in their presence in multiple places at one moment in time?

Keep fighting the good fight,
-- Saving Private Guido
----

What you are referring to, SPG, is the Cosmopolitan scrote, aka "The Cosmobag." Cosmobags attempt a perpetually distracted and constant Blackberry checking 'tude that suggests a perpetual "high roller" travel schedule. This implies untold wealth in other cities (not the one they're in). Multiple homes where they "Run with the Goose" in various sundry party scenarios. That exist only in their imagination.

It is another oblique strategy that marks true douche, and you are correct to highlight its strategic use in the act of nightlife presentation.

Caption This Pic

2009-11-17T09:03:00.000-08:00

Tony's crop circle hair and face sucking ability inspired M. Night Shyamalan's latest thriller, "The Hackening."

Wedding 'Baggers

2009-11-17T07:03:00.000-08:00

Da dum da dum... da dum da dum... da dum de scrotes, dum de scrotes, smells like poo poo...

As if the hand gestures weren't bad enough, out comes the douche poses.

Reader Mail: Jennifer's Superdouche Tag

2009-11-16T13:58:00.000-08:00

----
TO DB1:

These are some pics of douches we met in Seattle's infamous bar, Amber.

(Pic #2 -- Hot Tub Guy)

They thought it was necessary to do these outrageous poses for whatever reason. The lights were really dim, and one guy thought he actually pulled off the "just got off the yacht" tanned look. He almost did until we clearly saw his orange face from the flash in the pictures. LOL.

Anyway, let me know if any of these pictures make it onto the blog.

xoxo,
Jennifer
----

I don't know which of these three ladies are you, Jennifer. But I know that this is a quality 'bag tag, worth at least 350 points on "Douche Hunter," and so I would thank you. By massaging your temples with melted tuscan chocolates and light, powdered 'nilla extract.

Until you grew bored and texted your BFF to come over before I went for the boob.

Faux or Background Bottles?

2009-11-16T12:05:00.000-08:00

Okay kids, time to play another round of the game that's sweeping the nation, Faux or Background Bottles?

Ah what point does Party Patrick's multi-greased fauxhawk end, and the bottles on the background shelf begin?

E-Blo just Voted

2009-11-16T10:30:00.000-08:00

HCwDB of the Year finalist E-Blo (far left) just threw a hott party (complete with bros and alien light show) before casting his vote in this week's Weekly.

You may not be able to tell how excited E-Blo is by the total lack of expression on his face. But he is overjoyed.

Note the sideways peace sign. Like with dogs wagging their tail, that's the giveaway for E-Blo to demonstrate joy.

HCwDB of the Week

2009-11-16T07:00:00.000-08:00

One more slot to fill before the HCwDB of the Year begins. You know what to do.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: The Dissected Frog

For giving me the chance to make the rare E.T. Erika Eleniak reference, the 'Frog makes the Weekly.

And for punchable douche-face, chin dribble, hair spike and hieroglyphic hand gesture.

And on the H.C. side, she may not be conventionally hott, but pouty Long Island Princess, Vera, does it for me.

She just wants to finish cosmotology school. Because she wants to be an astronaut.

Also, lets not forget Frogger's #2. There's something fascinating about girls who giggle while their douche makes two "Shocker" hand gestures.

Tee hee hee, he's describing what he'd do to your weewee and hooha!!

And for originally appearing back in June as Alpaca Farm Head, as well as possibly popping up elsewhere over the months, Frog gets his shot.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Robopud

Killer douche cyborgs sent to clean up crime in futuristic Detroit always make the weekly.

Robopud also brings two A-List brunette party hotts to the giggle table.

With bodies a slammin'. Of great genetic quality.

Expensive drinks and texting of friends.

But there's something about Robopud that qualifies him as truly mockworthily scrotal.

Yup.

You guessed it.

Groin Shave Reveal (GSR).

One of the absolutely worst of the 2009 'bag innovations. The act of revealing the shorn testes to the world. I smell a 2009 Douchie Award for this concept. And by smell, I mean smell.

Also, Mona's butt on the left deserves an Ass Pear award. Extremely biteable.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: The Salt Lick

For mackin' on the barely legals with that douchey-ass hair.

And then actually scoring some drunk roofie makeout with 'bag hand gesture, The 'Lick earns his place in the Weekly.

Not to mention the Goofy gloves.

And not to mention the nip pinch of douche #2.

We even have "Lost Ed Hardy Zombie" in the background.

And Hustlin' Vietnamese Trader Guy on the left.

Add 'em up, and it's a worthy third entry in our Weekly.

(Dis)honorable mention to The Trollbag, who just missed the cut for being more freakish than douchey, and Brooke and the Tangelo, who sort of fascinate me but I'm not sure why.

Them's your three. We have an abbreviated few Weeklys left before a final Monthly, and then the Yearly at the 2009 Douchies.

You know what to do.

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

Smoot Says "Grroooo"

2009-11-15T09:36:00.000-08:00

HCwDB of the Year candidate and scoliosis sufferer, Smoot (without Crystal, on the right), has picked up the gauntlet thrown down by E-Blo on Friday by bringing in Hall of Scrote legend King Douchuous the IV to validate his chances.

As well as two Hoochie Blondes, a secondary douche, and Brothabag Vern. Who just wants to go home.

Yup. The Yearly is going to be a smackdown of epic proportions.

Just to get you ready, here are your HCwDB of the Year finalists who will be competing at the 2009 Douchies:

1. The Ghoulbag and Tri-Hotts
2. Crimson Ted and The Legs Girls
3. Crosshair McJohnson and Leia
4. Anchor Chin and Racquel
5. E-Blo and Brittney
6. Bucky and Kathy Hott
7. Smoot and Crystal
8. Mack the Nozzle and Francine
9. The Poopaloompa and Jane
10. Sir Sucks-a-Lot and Assorted Hotts (wildcard)
11. TBD

One round of three HCwDB of the Year semifinals (3 per), and then each winner in the finals.

Hmm. Eleven makes my job confusing, as I'm not sure how to break down into three groupings of preliminary voting to determine our final three couplings. May need to drop the bottom two from contention.

In the meantime, get ready. The 2009 Douchies are almost here.

The 2009 Douchies: Let the Nominating Begin

2009-11-14T09:07:00.000-08:00

The 2009 Douchies are coming. They begin December 7th.

Our two week orgy of excess, heavy drinking, 'bag mocking and assorted hottie lusting where we go through and process what we've learned this year. Where we vote for the best/worst of iconic couplings from our hyper-stimulated over caffeinated media culture, our changing understandings of body, gender, alienation in the age of modernity and really sexy boob reveal.

Get ready. For it's goin' down.

But before we give out the awards, I need your help. As a regular reader, a comments thread veteran, or even a casual visitor to the site, here's where you need to tell me which pics stayed with you. Which hottie/douchey cohabits offer themselves as exemplars of merit. And by merit, I mean poo stain.

Here's the categories for nominations this year:

Hottest Hott
Best Golden Globes
Smells Like Poo
Orangest Orange
Crimsonest Crimson
Most Expensive First Date Hott
Douchiest Hair
Douchiest Facial Expression
Douchiest Hand Gesture
Greasiest Greasestain
Most European Eurobag
Douchiest HCwDB Celebrity Couple of the Year
Most Annoying 'Bagling
The Ricky (aka the "Everybag")
Greatest Crisis of Modernity
Hottest Girl-Next-Door Hott
Bleethiest Bleeth (aka "The Douchebaguette" for the douchiest lady)
Most Innovative 'Bag Maneuver of 2009
Most Likely to be Part of the Permanent Collection of the Guggenheim Art Museum in 2023
Clearest Proof of Natural Selection
Best 'Bag Hunter of the Year (Comments Threads)
Best 'Bag Huntress of the Year (Comments Threads)

Suggest which pics should be nominated in some or all of these categories, or just suggest which pics from the past year deserve recognition. Some categories will be open to voting. Others I'll just give out, since I'm usually drunk and can't add up that many votes.

Feel free to come back to this post if you need more time and enter your nominees/suggestions. But help me out. I can't do this without you. I need you. Anita! Don't go. The plants'll die!

Get your ass ready for the 2009 Douchies are almost upon us. Strap in and strap on, cuz it's gonna be a bumpy moob.