Hot Chicks with Douchebags

Friday Thoughts and Links

douchebag1@hotchickswithdouchebags.com (Douchebag1) — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 20:46:00 +0000

Yup. Your narrator is already drunk. Because it's Friday.

And, as we all know, the concept of the "Weekend" is simply a temporal framework to justify habitual alcoholism.

Here's your links:

Regis and Kelly dress as Jon and Kate HCwDB for Halloween. It's a simulacra of an echo of a postmodern pastiche. And stupid.

For the nerds among us: Baguette shuts down Large Hadron Collider. No word on if it was Josephine.

Most underrated genius videogame of the 1990s: Parappa the Rappa. Kick! Punch! It's all in the mind. Don't get cocky! It's gonna get rocky!

What happens when a couple of Aussie douchebags in Melbourne decide to produce their own party video? Nothing much for the first two minutes. And not much more after that. (this may actually be the longest, most boring, and slowest rap in history)

An Indian douche in New Delhi sues Lynx bodyspray for not getting any hotts. That won't curry favor with the jury.

Bags on Board. Not what you think it is. Although they're experts at cleaning up poo.

Ass Pear as optical illusion? Disturbing.

Here's your real Pear... Desk Pear.

Go forth, kids. It's time for good times. And by good times, I mean hott liberating. And, of course 'bag mocking. From a safe and healthy distance.

Skin Comics

douchebag1@hotchickswithdouchebags.com (Douchebag1) — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 18:52:00 +0000

I've got it. New art project: Skin Comics.

A new framework on avant-garde storytelling as art.

The viewer sits on a chair in an empty downtown Soho gallery, staring straight ahead. And these tools run by, one by one. Each one telling a different panel of our superhero: Doucheman.

The art is found in the modality of communication. Ambulatory panels of corporeal story telling. Think of it as a critique of the mechanization of man, the inscription of the body, and the alienation of the image as a projection of the self.

Oh, and I see you too, Betty Hott. I'll get to you at the gallery after-party. We will sip champagne and discuss Proust, and then I will grab your butt with deep repose, and pensive aplomb.

HCwDB Hallows Eve Contd III

douchebag1@hotchickswithdouchebags.com (Douchebag1) — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 17:02:00 +0000

Full post coming tomorrow of all the 'Ween pics, but here's HCwDBs own g0dluvsugly getting the ladies to kiss the Bra!! Gunshow.

While Ubiquitous Red Cup watches with ironic appreciation.

Friday Haiku

douchebag1@hotchickswithdouchebags.com (Douchebag1) — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 15:04:00 +0000

Robopud and bros,
Make monkey poo hand gestures,
While Lana hates life.

The unemployed
Construction jobs scarce for bags
Sign of the times

-- ImageWrangler

Gaelic alphabet
tattooed across hairless chest
Franzia drinker

-- and you will know us by the trail of the douche

Ouiji-tat left douche
has no nipples; right's are gross.
Wish we could see hers.

-Bagnonymous

Civilization
Never meant skanks with meatpuds
Aquinas doth weep

-- Fyodor Dostedouchesky

Detroit Tigers cap
Hiding on the the ground, ashamed
Can't be seen with douches

-- Roscoe P. Scrotestain

Four scowls and a smile
MandanaBag's a Newbie
Life sucks in Fresno

-- Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt

Hott's face says it all
"What is that stench behind me?"
Oh, it's quadra-poo

-noobbag

Bagpoleon Strikes Back

douchebag1@hotchickswithdouchebags.com (Douchebag1) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 23:00:00 +0000

HCwDB of the Week winners The Bagpoleon Complex and Josephine respond to the community with erudite clarity:

----
YEAHHHHH WOOO HOOO YOU I WANT TO THANK YOU ALL FOR MAKING ME FEEL SO GOOD ABOUT MYSELF...

YEAH THAT ME ALEX MIJARES!!!! REMEMBER IT!

WOW YOU TOOLS MADE MY DAY!!! KEEP WRITING I WANT TO TAKE UP THE WHOLE BLOG!!
----

And a few moments later, his hott chimes in:

----
i dont understand why u guys gotta talk so much shit.. This guy is f*cking hot... i think all of u gotta look in the mirror before talking..... stop hating ppl!! why cuz hes got a hot body n u dont? ooohhh wait is cuz hes got the hot girl and u cant get near anythin like that right!!! EXACTLY
----

Oh no I di'int.

I believe I was just made to talk to the proverbial hand.

EDIT: Bagpoleon has posted his phone number in the comments threads and requests that people talk shit to him in person. 305-(edit: phone number appears to be a fake, sorry Miguel).

HCwDB Halloween Continues

douchebag1@hotchickswithdouchebags.com (Douchebag1) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 20:48:00 +0000

All right, I hear all yer bitchin' that the pics this week haven't been up to snuff.

Alls I'll say in your humble narrator's defense is that I've been swamped with admittedly hilarious Halloween pics, which I'm planning on putting together into one big post in the next few days.

Many regulars and semi-regulars, like dennis 'bagger pictured here, came up with some truly inspired douchosity.

But as a result of so much 'Ween, the regular pics haven't been coming in as much.

So bear with as I clear out the secondary pics this week. I promise to make it up to you. And by promise to make it up to you, I mean STFU, the site is free.

Robopud

douchebag1@hotchickswithdouchebags.com (Douchebag1) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 18:49:00 +0000

Part of me wants to give Robopud credit for busting one of the rarest of rare 'Bag Hand Gestures (#92).

"The Fonzie."

Way to go with your retro old-school self, Robopud.

Keith Barely Tries

douchebag1@hotchickswithdouchebags.com (Douchebag1) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 17:06:00 +0000

Listen, Keith, if you're going to step away from the bar to douche it up with the Kathy Sisters, at least make a little more effort than minimal kissy lips and the obvious Sideways Peace Sign.

And get some Ubiquitous Red Cups while you're at it.

Wholesome, soft skinned, shiny cleavite on Kathy One makes me want to break-dance in a bunny suit while gargling Japanese boba and juggling two small African orphan children named Umbeke and !chol.

Wholesome, soft skinned, shiny cleavite on Kathy Two makes me want to, uhm, touch them.

Because all my metaphor entendres were used up on Kathy One.

Time for Shots!!

douchebag1@hotchickswithdouchebags.com (Douchebag1) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 15:00:00 +0000

And by shots, I mean vaccines.

"Scrotes and Brunettes"

douchebag1@hotchickswithdouchebags.com (Douchebag1) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 00:09:00 +0000

Play the new boardgame, "Scrotes and Brunettes"!

New!

From Milton 'Bagley.

Yeah, I got nothin' more to add to a pic when the douche writes "prick" under his cap while making the universal sign for 'I've never done this to a real woman'.

But the giant hawk on Sickboy from "Trainspotting" is pretty enjoyable.

As are the tasty ambiguously Semitic brunettes.

Mmm... I'd Natalie their Portmans.

The Enchantment Under the Sea Dance: 2009

douchebag1@hotchickswithdouchebags.com (Douchebag1) — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 20:52:00 +0000

Marty McFly just drove the DeLorean off a cliff.

Grinny Guy

douchebag1@hotchickswithdouchebags.com (Douchebag1) — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 18:51:00 +0000

Every party has one.

Yeah, he's not much of a douche, but Brunette's sulty stare and pokey cheekbone/boob complimentarian symmetry makes me want to slap a penguin and ask for an after dinner mint.

Spanky Feels Ignored

douchebag1@hotchickswithdouchebags.com (Douchebag1) — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 17:14:00 +0000

Spanky's still pissed no one cares about mocking his douchey ass. And while he wants to congratulate 'Bagpoleon on winning the HCwDB of the Week, he has one question for us:

Spanky: What's a brotha gotta hairspike and hottie mug to get some mock around here?

You just didn't have it, Spanky.

Now go fetch me a chicken pot pie.

HCwDB of the Week: The 'Bagpoleon Complex and Josephine

douchebag1@hotchickswithdouchebags.com (Douchebag1) — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 15:04:00 +0000

In a hearty contest in which we linguistically dissected choad and boobies like a cracked up sushi chef, the winning coupling of the 'Bagpoleon Complex and Josephine was too much skin to ignore.

The voters speak:

Tony Ventresca: I choose Bagpoleon & Josephine due to his extreme overcompensating little man complex and her incredible hottness (even if she is sucking in her tummy).

Whoop-di-douche: It is exceedingly difficult to decide which is the most stunning: her Top-Drawer-Smiling-Perfect-Figure Hotness or his Fedora-Not-Top-Hat-Neck-Blinged-Double-Reveal: Abs AND Groin-Shave.

Dr. DB: Why Josephine must you get so close to the little man with the low pants? Bagpolean FTW, and by win I mean a short and smelly loss for Josephines dad.

One for the Choad: Ooh, tough choice this week. Pudwick is most a worthy candidate, but I have to go with Bagpolean ftw, because his hott is makes me think of cheesecake and kittens.

Wedgie: Baggie for the weekly. GSR is a pet peeve of mine; only women should be allowed to get Brazilian bikini waxes.

noobbag: Waxed chest is an easily displayed scrotrait, but the GSR takes it to a whole new level. May Bagpolean put the razor to better use in the nether region and self-castrate. Bagpole FTW.

"Lesbian Thermos" Ernie Tubesock: Bagpoleon looks like the star of Rick Moranis' new joint: "Honey, I Shrunk Lou Ferigno". Bagpoleon wins but loses in life.

Mr. Scrotato Head: Billy Barty once said "The general public thinks all little people are in circuses or sideshows. We have doctors, nurses, just about every field covered." That's right Billy. Short people have dreams. They go to college, get married, have careers, raise families. Unfortunately somebody forgot to tell Bagpoleon. Congratulations, now Douchebag can officially be added to the list of societal obstacles little people have so courageously ovecome.

riverdouche: josephine is quite simply one of the hottest women posted on this site(even the kanye shades don't bother me), and bagpoleon certainly holds his own. wee man and her hips for the win.

J bone: Shaved groin? Check. Stupid plastic sunglasses? Check. Jesus bling, fedora and giant watch? Check, check and check. And she has a stomach I would eat breakfast, lunch and dinner off of while furiously fwoping.

BallsDeep: a microcosm of the loveliest flowers and douche-pollen, the sunrays glinting off her baconstrip body and oily delicious juices and her forced smile that shows the rest of us onlookers that there is still hope.

jonezy: Bagpolean FTW, because we all win when Josephine is re-posted repeatedly.

DarkSock: I must cast my ballot for The Bagpoleon Complex and Josephine because 1. She is hotter than fresh cat poo in a microwave and 2. Little Bags are the worst offenders. They try harder, because they have to. No hott fantasizes about 68'ing.

Captain Bringdown: There is no reason outside of cancer surgery for a grown man to have his groin shaven and placed on display. Tack on the probably spindly Daffy Duck legs that accompany so many upper body queens and this guy becomes, like Corky before him, a living reminder that eugenics is not always a bad idea. Poor Josephine has to wear welding goggles so she isn't blinded by the glare off his front porch.

An excellent round of linguistic 'bag mock and hot lust, gold stars for all. And then there was Truckstop Pudwick:

Mr. Bungle: Truckstop Pudwick and Shana are the winners (?) this week. First of all, don't point at me Thomas Haden Douche. Your love for Ed Hardy and ironic tats have no business touching my future ex-wife Shana or "Danica Patrihott" Its my job to rub cocoa butter on her muffin ass after a day at the races.

Medusa Oblongata: Trucker Pud FTW and by tht I mean Flatbed Truck Wash. And a kick in the nads besides.

nopepr: Truckstop Pud. If there was ever someone I wanted to buy a truck and hit with it it's that pud. I'm still angry from seeing that a week ago.

Archidouchies: I'm gonna have to go with the sloppy drunkenness and traditional pointing of the out of work Patrick Swayze stunt double and his sultry, tight dress wearing lady that inspires thoughts of black jack tacos.

Burning Giraffe: It's sad to think that Truckstop Pudwick once had the ambition of a being a singer/songwriter for the Freecreditreport.com band only to experience the reality of being shivved in a prison bathroom.

The blessed Scrotini: Truckstop Pudwick FTW. Sure, he IS the most obvious 'bag to point out in a group so it'd be hard to miss him - even in a room FULL of 'bags. But that is also what makes him my choice. I believe even his pinky fingers whisper douchebag in the ears of every man he meets. As far as Shana goes, she would be welcome to be a model for a sculpture I would create if I had any artistic talent in that form. And as such hers is none to argue about.

And the ginormous watch of the Big Ben 'Bag and his two lovely ladies, including the Holy White Triangle, also found support:

Gee Forgé: Holy White Triangle and Brunette Jenna Jameson for the Hall. Holy white makes orphan children attempting to flee Darfur giggle with joy at the beauty and promise of the world. She makes illegal fundamentalist jewish settlers and hamas extremists break into leaping high-fives and face to face motorboat mimicking. That is the potency of her transcendental majesty. That and her patooty tastes like organic licorice.

Patrick: My Vote goes to The Big Ben 'Bag. His hotts are unreal. I would caress their right arms ever so slightly, just enough to bring up goosebumps and then I would hurry away in a 5th grade bit of "She looked at me" style Embarrasment.

dbBen: Big Ben Bag. He just cut me off in his 350Z.

Big Bag Bag had enough power-hott to win an average week, but this week was too stocked with hott and choad for him to compete. So we turn it over to El Caganer to take us home:

My vote goes to Bagpoleon. He has spent years in the gym working on his overdeveloped abs. This shows his committment. He is also an early adopter of the groin shave reveal. That needs to be stopped. No one wants to see that junk. Josephine is a true beauty and has taken the place of Francine in a number of fantasies that are unspeakable. Bagpoleon has the hottest hott and that is always enough for my vote.

Well said, El C. Well said indeed. All four couplings of gnaw-hott and crap-on-a-stick have been selected for the Monthly on Monday. The groin shaven metaphysical gun is cocked and loaded.

Good work, people. Now lets all eat some sugar cereal. And by sugar cereal, I mean Frosted Flakes.

HCwDB After Dark: Adam Goldbag

douchebag1@hotchickswithdouchebags.com (Douchebag1) — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 04:21:00 +0000

Your humble narrator is half naked, sitting on his floor and scratching himself in all sorts of awkward places.

I'm munching on tasty Cheetos, sipping some quality fortified wine ripple, and watching TiVo'd Curb.

And yet, my mind wanders.

What's with the hooky chin pubes? Is this a new formation? Or is his douchal face rearticulating previous patterns of inscription?

What's with the six pound watch? Is it really necessary?

And what's with the glasses? Max, are we driving through plutonium?

And, most importantly, did Adam Goldbag here actually buy a shirt with a bling necklace printed on it?

Help me, Brunette Future Party Mom. It makes as much sense as your dress.

Boobie Duckie

douchebag1@hotchickswithdouchebags.com (Douchebag1) — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 00:31:00 +0000

Boobie Duckie asks: Should DB1 pull the Fratbag pic two pictures down?

I'm getting complaints that I may be violating the girl's privacy, and now I'm all guilty. And I should never be made to feel guilty after I've eaten half a box of Trader Joes Joe-Joe cookies.

It struck me as a pretty harmless gag, I highly doubt anything actually happened. And Sad Karaoke Robot cracks me up.

But I'll take a poll.

What say you? Should I yank it?

And by yank it, I mean boobie duckie.

HCwDB Halloween Pics Contd.

douchebag1@hotchickswithdouchebags.com (Douchebag1) — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 22:47:00 +0000

Your humble narrator is enjoying a tasty HoHo, as I'm absolutely, gloriously, buried in HCwDB Halloween pics this year. I totally should've done a contest. The scope and breadth of these things are absolutely hilarious.

Pictured here is Dooshenstein.

I will run a post with the top 25-30 in the next few days, but keep sending them in. Absolutely hilarious work, people, and the fact so many of the HCwDB legends influenced so many of you this past Hallow's Eve warms the cockles of my groinshave.

Breaking: Fratbags Get Clever With a Sharpy

douchebag1@hotchickswithdouchebags.com (Douchebag1) — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 20:12:00 +0000

All while Sad Party Karaoke Robot looks mournfully on.

Edit: Pic amended to protect the identity of passed out sorority girl.

The Jerzey Meatwich

douchebag1@hotchickswithdouchebags.com (Douchebag1) — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 19:06:00 +0000

Poor Nicole.

All she wanted was a chicken Caesar salad.

Brooke and The Tangelo

douchebag1@hotchickswithdouchebags.com (Douchebag1) — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 17:03:00 +0000

Listen, Brooke.

I know you've hated your dad ever since he stopped paying for your tuition at Bennington when you ran up that 3K on his credit card after pledge week.

But still. Must you date the Tangelo?

Look at that smarmy douche-face and by now standard 2009 highly creative "Middle Finger" hand gesture.

He's not even trying to scrote it up.

Pick a direction, Brooke. Either go full retard to the dark side, or come back to the light.

And by come back to the light, I mean let me massage your toesies with melted peeps and a butter wedge.

Nigel Stays Young

douchebag1@hotchickswithdouchebags.com (Douchebag1) — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 15:02:00 +0000

It's okay, Nigel. Put down the hair gel, take off the bling, and back away from the MILF.

Middle Age really isn't as bad as it looks.

Well, okay, it probably is.

But still. Let it go.

HCwDB Halloween Pics

douchebag1@hotchickswithdouchebags.com (Douchebag1) — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 01:17:00 +0000

The pics are pouring in, and there are some hilarious HCwDB costumes from last weekend. Like Ben here.

But since your humble narrator is vaguely hung over, I probably won't get around to going through them all and posting them until this weekend.

But if you went as a douchey/hottie couple, or just a lone scrote, send your pic in, and I'll post the best ones next week.

Breaking: The Beckhams Douche Up their Kid

douchebag1@hotchickswithdouchebags.com (Douchebag1) — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 23:21:00 +0000

Dear Britain,

You once gave us Shakespeare, Dickens, Wilde and The Beatles.

Now you give us this.

Piss off.

Sincerely,
The Rest of the World

Axl Boot

douchebag1@hotchickswithdouchebags.com (Douchebag1) — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 20:41:00 +0000

And when he's not impressing the Vegas Townies, Axl's leather rubber wrist thing can repair my car's rear chassis.

Spanky Voted

douchebag1@hotchickswithdouchebags.com (Douchebag1) — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 19:14:00 +0000

Even though he's pissed that not only didn't his girl get any love last week, but his smackdown was muted at best, Spanky still showed up to vote in the HCwDB of the Week.

Good for you for showing good sportsmanship, Spanky.

Now put on a shirt.